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The queens guards marched foward. Fast, strong, silent like shadows. Their empty faces looked like skulls in the shaky candle-light. I felt really weak, like one of those little flames, able to go out in the next second. For one moment, I thought I wouldn’t make it. I thought I would break down on this cold floor, and they would just drag me along the rest of the way. They wouldn’t care if they’d break my bones, in fact they wouldn’t even notice. But to my surprise my legs did their job, they carried me over the whole long, crushing floor of stone. Finally the sceleton men and me arrived at the last, deep red door which would lead us to the queens throne. “Who is that guy?”, one of the servants who stood in front of us asked with a silent, but clear voice. “The slave who ran away from the bird cage.”
Goddamn. They still don’t get the difference. Let me explain, just for myself. I’m not a slave. I’m a vassal, and it was my decision to serve the queen. When I was just thirteen, I ripped my own heart out with a razor blade and layed it in her porcelain-like hands. And she accepted my sacrifice. Since then, I was always around her, and even when not, I always heard when she called for me, and I always followed. But with the time, it went harder. Living without an own heart isn’t that easy as cutting it out of a body that is barely alive.
When it first happened, I thought I would halluzinate. But it happened again and again, so the queens appereance wasn’t longer a bless for me. Everytime I saw her, my body nearlly collapsed. It was like I’d a half-starved, lunatic animal scratched it’s way from my inside out. When she smiled at me, it took me around two days to start eating again without vomiting. When she touched me – even inadverently I tried to cut that parts of my skin which she grazed away. May she was too perfect, so my own demonish self wasn’t able to stand her nearness. Then, one night, she couldn’t sleep and asked if I would wait at her bed till the first morning sun, I took a knife which I stealed from the kitchen. It was long and sharp, looked like never used and for one secret heartbeat, I was fascinated by the idea to kill her. Her heart for mine, and I would be able to live again. But in the next second, I throwed it out of the window – later I saw that it hit one of the birds my queen loved so much. One moment of hesitancy, then I followed. Meating the ground in that way hurted like hell, but I didn’t scream. So, that’ how I escaped the bird cage, which now closed it’s gates behind me again.
“Fucking bastard,”, another servant hissed and spitted into my face. No twitching back, not even a wink. It isn’t worth it. With my head down, I entered the hall. Around fifty faces turned around. Some looked exactly like those of the men who brought me in, some where female, ageless and beautifull like the birds which live in the forbidden tree of paradise. Behind their fans I heard them giggling. A sound like chuch bells and sabre rattling. In the last corner i recognized a shadow. Unlikely to the others, it stand alone. It’s sulphur yellow eyes gloomed right into my heartless chest. In another situation, I would have smiled. My mute companion was still here, so there was hope. The second I walked on, the giggling stopped. Everyone starred at me, and at least, I understood that I would die in here. That thought scarred the shit out of me, and if they’d give me just one second to think it, I would’ve died cause of a dread attac.
A few steps before I reached the stages to the throne, I stood still. Slowly I went down on my knees, lowed my head to the ground and freezed in that position. “Judge me.”, I whispered. Then louder, cause I wasn’t sure if she heard my broken voice. “Judge me, my queen.” Yeah, I know how masochistic it sounds, but to be sure it’s the only way to dafe a quantum of my worthless life. “You wanted to kill me.”, her voice was as silent as those of her entourage, and without even looking at her, I knew that she cryied. The shock of that fact chased her tears – sparkling like diamonds – down her gracefully builted white cheeks. The chaos in my head didn’t fit into an serious answer, so I said nothing for a long while. Then I opened my mouth again. There was no one who saw me with that knife, I could tell her that she got it wrong. “Don’t lie to me.”, she sobbed. “I’d never lie to you, my queen.”, I lied.
My not existing heart ran like a rabbit, hunted by a fox. It struggled, came back on it’s feet, struggled again. I wouldn’t make it. I would fucking die and I would deserve it. I was so afraid, that I didn’t notice how she stood up and came to me. She sat in front of me and lifted my chin with one finger of her right hand. First I wanted to close my eyes, but then I opened them wide. It took me some time, to understand what I saw. I saw the final perfection, and that truth stole the rest of my power. Just with sulphur-gazes help I didn’t fell into her arms. Otherwise, the guards had tear me to pieces before I even winked my eye.
So I just collapsed, nearlly inabled to breathe. My queen held her face still just a few milimetres from mine. In my head, a voice screamed I should run away, or I should kill myself if I there was no escape, but I wasn’t even strong enough to hold myself in balance. “You did.”, her breath grazed my cheeks. “I swear I’ll never lie again.”, speaking felt like drinking acid. “You don’t believe yourself.”, reading my thoughts, she hided her face in her hands. “So I can’t believe you.” – ‘What do I have to do, to make you believe in me again?’. I didn’t spoke that question out loud, cause I knew she would hear it anyway. She did, and she looked at me. Smiling in silence. “You gave your heart to me some years ago. Now, give me your soul.” The shadow at my side, my beloved companion, my soul mate who never spoke a word since we first met, inhailed air heavily, but loudless. My eyes fixated my queen and it burned like my brain ate up itself like some kind of cannibal. “Please, take my soul as my sacrifice and as a sign for my absolute love.”, I begged. Then, her lips almost touched mine. Whyever, i truly believed she’d kiss me. But one moment before, reality exploded.
When I woke up, I didn’t feel the coldness around. When I sat up, I didn’t see the beautiful roses that grew up the walls. When I stood up, I didn’t smelled them or taste the fresh air. When I turned around, I heard my queens voice. “And now. Kill it.” In the middle of the room, layed a fox-like canine, holded down with chains. It was my true appereance, my soul that she turned out of my body. My hands where pressed down by a heavy biddenhaender-sword. My soul hissed and fought against it’s chains, but they resisted. I struggled. Because I just came back to life, because of the weapons weight, but not because of her words. Now, without soul I didn’t understood why I broke down for so many times. There was no need to. All I had to do, was killing my soul. Shouldn’t be that hard, right?