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Description
Title: A Boosh Fairy Tale part 2
Pairing or Characters: Howince
Summary: Naboo's niece comes to live with her uncle and begin school at Daltson's local shaman school.  Can Vince and Howard learn to live with the little girl and grow as a couple?
Rating: pg-13
Warnings: Unless you have issues with men kissing and sleeping in a bed for this chapter you will be fine.  Completed.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or make a profit off them. They belong to Baby Cow productions and Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett. You men deserve metals of honor for what you created oh heck knighthood!

Part 2

In the middle of the night Vince was awakened by that little girl Epiphany crying at his bedside. He figured if he ignored it, it would go away and he could go back to sleep. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes and gave a pitiful "Howard!"
Oh shit now it won't leave...
The man she called for turned on the light "Epiphany what's wrong dear?"
She was crying "I had a bad dream and Naboo is gone can I sleep with you two?" she asked.
Vince kept his eyes closed pretending to sleep ...If you love me you will say no and tell her to go to bed and then go hold me tell me we are getting our own place with a huge bathroom and a Top Shop just down the...
Howard opened the covers for her "Alright luv com'on now."
Moon you traitor!
Epiphany crawled between Vince and Howard and snuggled in between them with her blanket. Vince rolled away wishing he could lie in Howard's arms.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, bugger off...leave me and Howard alone this is our bed go sleep in yours!
The next morning the flat was still, but like all flats where three men live with a gorilla. It was a dreadful mess of a place. The rubbish from last night's take away supper was still out on the table along with banana peels on the chair and table. Fashion magazines were strewn about in the area in front of a round rattan chair with mismatched c.d.'s in the wrong cases some were laying about upside down on the table. Howard was even guilty of not doing last night's dishes
The supply closet suddenly opened and the broom and mop went to work cleaning the flat's floor as it tidied itself up putting things back where they should be. The vacuum turned on and ran itself over the cleared up carpeting.
The water faucet turned on and out from the dispenser soap squirted into the hot water making suds for the sponge to wash the dishes and then rinse them themselves up. Counters were washed and the bathroom was scrubbed up by a brush and sponge getting rid of grime and dirt.  Vince's hair tools were put back into place then turned on so they were ready for him.  As clothes for the day were taken out and ironed before they were hung up on the hooks on the wall in the bathroom towels were warmed up over the radiators same for house coats as shoes and boots were polished and hats brushed before they were hung up on the hooks.
Paper towels and glass cleaner started to clean the windows and so clean that the birds hit their heads on the glass. Rubbish left out overnight started to gather itself up into the waste bin and when it was full was tied up and went to the front of the store as the welcome mat of the shop was shaken out. The sidewalk was being swept clean of leaves and rubbish as the squeegees cleaned the windows.
The store inside was dusted by the dusters and the floor mopped and cleaned as the register's till was filled with money from the safe in the back.
A kettle lifted off the stove and filled itself with water then placed itself on the lit hub.  Cupboards opened as plates and dishware flew themselves into position on the table as pancakes fried in pans. Flowers came in through the opened window and landed in the vase that floated down to the centre of the table.
The alarm went off playing Jazz It was the only way to motivate him to get up and actually move in the morning and out from under the covers Vince's arms reached out to desperation and without moving from the soft warm covers and the arms of the man he loved.  When he finally turned it off he popped his head up from the covers and yawned then he sat up stretching not noticing how his housecoat slipped itself over his arms and tied itself as his slippers slipped onto his feet. Then he went to the bath to shower not noticing that the water turned on itself and getting himself wet. He felt his bath poof rub his back down. He closed his eyes and smiled "Howard i knew you couldn't resist you dirty ball scrubbin'..." Vince turned around to kiss him and saw his bath products float around and pour some of their contents over his head. He screamed like a girl and Howard ran in and saw Vince grabbing the wall for his life. "Vince can ya keep it down Epiphany is still..." just then his razor and hair brush came at his head.  He tried to run but was cornered in the bath by his grooming goods beginning their work of cleaning Howard's face for the day the shave cream brush getting the cream in his mouth. "Vince stay calm let them do their work." Howard watched them as he stood carefully still as scissors trimmed his moustache.
Naboo and Bollo came out to see what the commotion as the duster zoomed by his head. When he looked around in the sitting room he found Epiphany in her school uniform standing on the sofa holding a drink straw orchestrating the household objects around as if she was leading a symphony.  A teapot floated past Naboo's head as coats and shoes went back to the coat rack. Pillows were fluffed and throws were folded as CDs were put back into their spot and the air fresheners cleared the air.  "Epiphany nice sentiment but you don't need to do this we can handle it." He told her.
She stopped everything and put everything back "Sorry Uncle Naboo I just wanted to help."
Naboo helped her off the chair "Don't worry we may live with humans but they aren't apes."
Bollo put his hands on his hips in disgust.
Naboo shrugged, "Wha? They can be at times."
Howard came out of the bath dressed and ready for the day looking like he just stepped out of a relaxing time at a barber. "That was the most refreshing morning ritual I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Thank you Naboo."
"It wasn't me it was my niece she even made us breakfast." He pointed out.
"How very nice of you," Howard nodded to her.
Epiphany beamed with pride at her work.
Vince however was in even worse shape hair a mess dripping wet shampoo still in his hair. "What is all of this?" Vince complained he held between his fingers a strand of hair "Look at this?" He was in his dressing gown ticked off. "This is six months of daily washing with seven shampoos at different times of the day. I have a method ya little brat."
Epiphany looked at him "You are aware that you are so vain that when you sleep walk you are in the bath doing your hair?" She shot at him a look.
He then shot her a look "You aware that you annoy the piss out of me!"
That made his hair disappear.
Vince felt his bald head he now wanted to kill her "That's it ya little tartlet," and was about to grab her.
Howard got between him and Epiphany "Vince stop this you been nothing but mean to her since she got here."
Bollo then pipped in "She's just little girl."
"' 'ittle?  She's a menace to society at large! She violated me with me own bath poof!" Vince started to have a panic attack "Now she took away my hair!"
"She was trying to be helpful it's her nature." Naboo explained "Epiphany be a dear and give Vince back his hair before he has a mental breakdown of epic proportions and I have to use up my good mermaid's milk to make an antidote."
She smiled and undid what she did to Vince making him dressed and ready for the day properly. He then checked to make sure in a hand mirror then pinched her shoulder.
She rubbed the spot "Ouch!"
He got in her face "Do it again and you're sleepin' in the cupboard with the rats!" then sat down to the pancake breakfast.
Howard looked at the newspaper ignoring the angry look in Vince's face as Naboo got a cup of tea. The Shaman's phone rang he opened it and read the text massage said "Curse it all, Howard, Bollo a 'ord in 'rivate." Howard got up and went to Naboo's room.
Epiphany looked at Vince who shot her a nasty look she shot him an even nastier look.  Then it became a face making competition.
Howard came back but not Naboo or Bollo "Alright enough playin' eat up breakfast Vince you need to walk Epiphany to school."
"Why do I have to?" Vince griped about it.
Howard started to get to work "Because sunshine boy Naboo and Bollo are going to an emergency meeting with the Board of Shaman and I have to keep the shop and there is someone coming over to install a dishwasher today."
Vince spread his pancakes with butter and jam and rolled up a cake in his hands. "Can't she go by herself?" Vince whined.
Howard went about getting her lunchbox together. "No she needs an adult with her ya can't just send a child to school alone in a strange city Vince."
The dark haired girl as she ate her pancakes watched Vince as he ate.
"Wha never saw someone eat pancakes like this before?"
Howard sighed "Vince try and get over it you are going to be doing it a lot in the coming weeks."
"Why?"
"We are going to be getting a ton of improvements, today the dishwasher, tomarrow new locks, better paging system, new windows..."
"Where is Naboo getting the money for all of this?" Vince asked.
Howard opened Epiphany's school bag and put her lunch inside. "Naboo told me her father is giving up over ten thousand euros a month to pay for her care while she is studying in London." Howard was having more fun with taking care of Epiphany than Vince. Last night he talked about how he loved her school uniform as he polished her shoes with his black shoe polish, Vince's own black shoe polish. Her uniform was a sailor dress with a red bow on the front. Her backpack looked like the ones Vince saw in Japanese cartoons holding her books and supplies.  "And tonight we will be having a decent meal for once." Howard announced.

"Describe decent?" to Vince a decent meal was jellies, boot laces and a sandwich washed down with whatever liquid was in his reach water, lager, fizzy soda, juice, cocktail, anything.
"Anything other than that junk ya normally eat on a daily basis. Tonight with the money Naboo gave me on my lunch I will be shopping for our decent supper. We will be having a delicious lasagne and for desert a good old fashioned apple pie."
"I didn't know you could cook that stuff."Vince asked.
"Well I am a connoisseur of the finer things in life Vince. I am an artist of both music and the gastronomical arts." Howard was having the time of his life. "I can't wait to put that pie on the windowsill and let it cool as the smell fills this place with a delightful scent."
"Come off it. Tell the truth Howard the only thing you've popped in that oven was ready meals and fish fingers," Vince was calling his bluff.
Howard just kept smiling "Just you wait and see."
"Get this Eppy," Vince leaned in "The pie be burnt and whatever he's makin's gonna have a nice layer of charcoal on the top for a crust."
Howard rolled his eyes knowing Vince wasn't going to believe him "Get up and get her to school before she's late."
Outside in the streets of Daltson Vince walked with Epiphany it was quiet between them. To Epiphany Vince was tall, gangly and thin. He looked like a giant to her a well dressed one at that. The first few blocks were quiet then she looked at her new roommate and said "You can call me Eppy if you want. I like it." She gave a small smile.
"I rather." he said uninterested about her.
She held the straps of her book bag and asked "So...what's it like here?"
"Like wha?" Vince asked.
Eppy looked up at him "Here in England. I'm from the mystic east. I've only seen England in pictures and stories." Eppy asked. "Where are the queen and king? Where are the knights in shining armour and princesses and princes? Where's Big Ben? Where are the Beatles?"
Vince rolled his eyes remembering how many American birds drunk at the clubs ask those same questions. If he had a euro for every time it has happened he could have paid for the electric bill this month "First the king's dead there is just the queen, a knight can be anyone quite literally, the prince and princess are not anything to look at. Big Ben's at Parliament and the Beatles don't live here much anymore and I rather listen to the Stones."
"Oh..." Eppy was disenchanted "How's your teeth then?"
It was another one of those stupid stereotype questions. Vince stopped and knelt down "Have a look?" he smiled his teeth at her.
Eppy looked into his mouth "Not bad one tooth's a bit out of line."
"I'm out of line," Vince got up "always out of line."  They continued on "They call me the outliner I outline everybody."
She giggled at his bad joke "You don't outline me." She smiled.
"We'll see about that." he told her.
"Here's my school." She looked through the bars of the school's gate. The schoolyard was full of colourful children. The boys wore what Vince remembered in his school days except some wore turbans and other strange head pieces and girls wore what Eppy was wearing. She looked normal compared to the other children.
Eppy's smile disappeared seeing all these new faces she never knew before. She again bore that sad long face the same one she wore when she first came yesterday. "I'm scared." She told Vince.
Vince saw the look of fear in her eyes. He had a change of heart about her. She was just after all a little kid in a big huge new city with strange new people she never experienced before. "It'll be fine," he reassured her putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked up as him. "There is nothing to be afraid of in this world, not now, not ev'er." They both looked through the gate again "Beside's you took on me and lived think of what else you can do." He added this time with his smile.
She took his first ever kind words to heart held onto her bag's straps and put on a brave face then proudly marched through the gates.
"Have a good first day," Vince waved.
Eppy turned around and waved back at him. "Good bye Vince! Sorry about this morning!" She ran into the building as the bells rang.
He just waved again and when she was inside he turned around to head back to the shop. He suddenly felt his hair shiner and silkier. Vince stopped to look in a store window. It looked better than it did in years. He looked back at the school now feeling really terrible for how he acted towards her this morning and yesterday "Thanks..." he said. Then walked back to the shop making a promise to himself to be better to her from this point on.

Description
Title: A Boosh Fairy Tale part 2
Pairing or Characters: Howince
Summary: Naboo's niece comes to live with her uncle and begin school at Daltson's local shaman school.  Can Vince and Howard learn to live with the little girl and grow as a couple?
Rating: pg-13
Warnings: Unless you have issues with men kissing and sleeping in a bed for this chapter you will be fine.  Completed.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or make a profit off them. They belong to Baby Cow productions and Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett. You men deserve metals of honor for what you created oh heck knighthood!

Part 2

In the middle of the night Vince was awakened by that little girl Epiphany crying at his bedside. He figured if he ignored it, it would go away and he could go back to sleep. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes and gave a pitiful "Howard!"
Oh shit now it won't leave...
The man she called for turned on the light "Epiphany what's wrong dear?"
She was crying "I had a bad dream and Naboo is gone can I sleep with you two?" she asked.
Vince kept his eyes closed pretending to sleep ...If you love me you will say no and tell her to go to bed and then go hold me tell me we are getting our own place with a huge bathroom and a Top Shop just down the...
Howard opened the covers for her "Alright luv com'on now."
Moon you traitor!
Epiphany crawled between Vince and Howard and snuggled in between them with her blanket. Vince rolled away wishing he could lie in Howard's arms.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, bugger off...leave me and Howard alone this is our bed go sleep in yours!
The next morning the flat was still, but like all flats where three men live with a gorilla. It was a dreadful mess of a place. The rubbish from last night's take away supper was still out on the table along with banana peels on the chair and table. Fashion magazines were strewn about in the area in front of a round rattan chair with mismatched c.d.'s in the wrong cases some were laying about upside down on the table. Howard was even guilty of not doing last night's dishes
The supply closet suddenly opened and the broom and mop went to work cleaning the flat's floor as it tidied itself up putting things back where they should be. The vacuum turned on and ran itself over the cleared up carpeting.
The water faucet turned on and out from the dispenser soap squirted into the hot water making suds for the sponge to wash the dishes and then rinse them themselves up. Counters were washed and the bathroom was scrubbed up by a brush and sponge getting rid of grime and dirt.  Vince's hair tools were put back into place then turned on so they were ready for him.  As clothes for the day were taken out and ironed before they were hung up on the hooks on the wall in the bathroom towels were warmed up over the radiators same for house coats as shoes and boots were polished and hats brushed before they were hung up on the hooks.
Paper towels and glass cleaner started to clean the windows and so clean that the birds hit their heads on the glass. Rubbish left out overnight started to gather itself up into the waste bin and when it was full was tied up and went to the front of the store as the welcome mat of the shop was shaken out. The sidewalk was being swept clean of leaves and rubbish as the squeegees cleaned the windows.
The store inside was dusted by the dusters and the floor mopped and cleaned as the register's till was filled with money from the safe in the back.
A kettle lifted off the stove and filled itself with water then placed itself on the lit hub.  Cupboards opened as plates and dishware flew themselves into position on the table as pancakes fried in pans. Flowers came in through the opened window and landed in the vase that floated down to the centre of the table.
The alarm went off playing Jazz It was the only way to motivate him to get up and actually move in the morning and out from under the covers Vince's arms reached out to desperation and without moving from the soft warm covers and the arms of the man he loved.  When he finally turned it off he popped his head up from the covers and yawned then he sat up stretching not noticing how his housecoat slipped itself over his arms and tied itself as his slippers slipped onto his feet. Then he went to the bath to shower not noticing that the water turned on itself and getting himself wet. He felt his bath poof rub his back down. He closed his eyes and smiled "Howard i knew you couldn't resist you dirty ball scrubbin'..." Vince turned around to kiss him and saw his bath products float around and pour some of their contents over his head. He screamed like a girl and Howard ran in and saw Vince grabbing the wall for his life. "Vince can ya keep it down Epiphany is still..." just then his razor and hair brush came at his head.  He tried to run but was cornered in the bath by his grooming goods beginning their work of cleaning Howard's face for the day the shave cream brush getting the cream in his mouth. "Vince stay calm let them do their work." Howard watched them as he stood carefully still as scissors trimmed his moustache.
Naboo and Bollo came out to see what the commotion as the duster zoomed by his head. When he looked around in the sitting room he found Epiphany in her school uniform standing on the sofa holding a drink straw orchestrating the household objects around as if she was leading a symphony.  A teapot floated past Naboo's head as coats and shoes went back to the coat rack. Pillows were fluffed and throws were folded as CDs were put back into their spot and the air fresheners cleared the air.  "Epiphany nice sentiment but you don't need to do this we can handle it." He told her.
She stopped everything and put everything back "Sorry Uncle Naboo I just wanted to help."
Naboo helped her off the chair "Don't worry we may live with humans but they aren't apes."
Bollo put his hands on his hips in disgust.
Naboo shrugged, "Wha? They can be at times."
Howard came out of the bath dressed and ready for the day looking like he just stepped out of a relaxing time at a barber. "That was the most refreshing morning ritual I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Thank you Naboo."
"It wasn't me it was my niece she even made us breakfast." He pointed out.
"How very nice of you," Howard nodded to her.
Epiphany beamed with pride at her work.
Vince however was in even worse shape hair a mess dripping wet shampoo still in his hair. "What is all of this?" Vince complained he held between his fingers a strand of hair "Look at this?" He was in his dressing gown ticked off. "This is six months of daily washing with seven shampoos at different times of the day. I have a method ya little brat."
Epiphany looked at him "You are aware that you are so vain that when you sleep walk you are in the bath doing your hair?" She shot at him a look.
He then shot her a look "You aware that you annoy the piss out of me!"
That made his hair disappear.
Vince felt his bald head he now wanted to kill her "That's it ya little tartlet," and was about to grab her.
Howard got between him and Epiphany "Vince stop this you been nothing but mean to her since she got here."
Bollo then pipped in "She's just little girl."
"' 'ittle?  She's a menace to society at large! She violated me with me own bath poof!" Vince started to have a panic attack "Now she took away my hair!"
"She was trying to be helpful it's her nature." Naboo explained "Epiphany be a dear and give Vince back his hair before he has a mental breakdown of epic proportions and I have to use up my good mermaid's milk to make an antidote."
She smiled and undid what she did to Vince making him dressed and ready for the day properly. He then checked to make sure in a hand mirror then pinched her shoulder.
She rubbed the spot "Ouch!"
He got in her face "Do it again and you're sleepin' in the cupboard with the rats!" then sat down to the pancake breakfast.
Howard looked at the newspaper ignoring the angry look in Vince's face as Naboo got a cup of tea. The Shaman's phone rang he opened it and read the text massage said "Curse it all, Howard, Bollo a 'ord in 'rivate." Howard got up and went to Naboo's room.
Epiphany looked at Vince who shot her a nasty look she shot him an even nastier look.  Then it became a face making competition.
Howard came back but not Naboo or Bollo "Alright enough playin' eat up breakfast Vince you need to walk Epiphany to school."
"Why do I have to?" Vince griped about it.
Howard started to get to work "Because sunshine boy Naboo and Bollo are going to an emergency meeting with the Board of Shaman and I have to keep the shop and there is someone coming over to install a dishwasher today."
Vince spread his pancakes with butter and jam and rolled up a cake in his hands. "Can't she go by herself?" Vince whined.
Howard went about getting her lunchbox together. "No she needs an adult with her ya can't just send a child to school alone in a strange city Vince."
The dark haired girl as she ate her pancakes watched Vince as he ate.
"Wha never saw someone eat pancakes like this before?"
Howard sighed "Vince try and get over it you are going to be doing it a lot in the coming weeks."
"Why?"
"We are going to be getting a ton of improvements, today the dishwasher, tomarrow new locks, better paging system, new windows..."
"Where is Naboo getting the money for all of this?" Vince asked.
Howard opened Epiphany's school bag and put her lunch inside. "Naboo told me her father is giving up over ten thousand euros a month to pay for her care while she is studying in London." Howard was having more fun with taking care of Epiphany than Vince. Last night he talked about how he loved her school uniform as he polished her shoes with his black shoe polish, Vince's own black shoe polish. Her uniform was a sailor dress with a red bow on the front. Her backpack looked like the ones Vince saw in Japanese cartoons holding her books and supplies.  "And tonight we will be having a decent meal for once." Howard announced.

"Describe decent?" to Vince a decent meal was jellies, boot laces and a sandwich washed down with whatever liquid was in his reach water, lager, fizzy soda, juice, cocktail, anything.
"Anything other than that junk ya normally eat on a daily basis. Tonight with the money Naboo gave me on my lunch I will be shopping for our decent supper. We will be having a delicious lasagne and for desert a good old fashioned apple pie."
"I didn't know you could cook that stuff."Vince asked.
"Well I am a connoisseur of the finer things in life Vince. I am an artist of both music and the gastronomical arts." Howard was having the time of his life. "I can't wait to put that pie on the windowsill and let it cool as the smell fills this place with a delightful scent."
"Come off it. Tell the truth Howard the only thing you've popped in that oven was ready meals and fish fingers," Vince was calling his bluff.
Howard just kept smiling "Just you wait and see."
"Get this Eppy," Vince leaned in "The pie be burnt and whatever he's makin's gonna have a nice layer of charcoal on the top for a crust."
Howard rolled his eyes knowing Vince wasn't going to believe him "Get up and get her to school before she's late."
Outside in the streets of Daltson Vince walked with Epiphany it was quiet between them. To Epiphany Vince was tall, gangly and thin. He looked like a giant to her a well dressed one at that. The first few blocks were quiet then she looked at her new roommate and said "You can call me Eppy if you want. I like it." She gave a small smile.
"I rather." he said uninterested about her.
She held the straps of her book bag and asked "So...what's it like here?"
"Like wha?" Vince asked.
Eppy looked up at him "Here in England. I'm from the mystic east. I've only seen England in pictures and stories." Eppy asked. "Where are the queen and king? Where are the knights in shining armour and princesses and princes? Where's Big Ben? Where are the Beatles?"
Vince rolled his eyes remembering how many American birds drunk at the clubs ask those same questions. If he had a euro for every time it has happened he could have paid for the electric bill this month "First the king's dead there is just the queen, a knight can be anyone quite literally, the prince and princess are not anything to look at. Big Ben's at Parliament and the Beatles don't live here much anymore and I rather listen to the Stones."
"Oh..." Eppy was disenchanted "How's your teeth then?"
It was another one of those stupid stereotype questions. Vince stopped and knelt down "Have a look?" he smiled his teeth at her.
Eppy looked into his mouth "Not bad one tooth's a bit out of line."
"I'm out of line," Vince got up "always out of line."  They continued on "They call me the outliner I outline everybody."
She giggled at his bad joke "You don't outline me." She smiled.
"We'll see about that." he told her.
"Here's my school." She looked through the bars of the school's gate. The schoolyard was full of colourful children. The boys wore what Vince remembered in his school days except some wore turbans and other strange head pieces and girls wore what Eppy was wearing. She looked normal compared to the other children.
Eppy's smile disappeared seeing all these new faces she never knew before. She again bore that sad long face the same one she wore when she first came yesterday. "I'm scared." She told Vince.
Vince saw the look of fear in her eyes. He had a change of heart about her. She was just after all a little kid in a big huge new city with strange new people she never experienced before. "It'll be fine," he reassured her putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked up as him. "There is nothing to be afraid of in this world, not now, not ev'er." They both looked through the gate again "Beside's you took on me and lived think of what else you can do." He added this time with his smile.
She took his first ever kind words to heart held onto her bag's straps and put on a brave face then proudly marched through the gates.
"Have a good first day," Vince waved.
Eppy turned around and waved back at him. "Good bye Vince! Sorry about this morning!" She ran into the building as the bells rang.
He just waved again and when she was inside he turned around to head back to the shop. He suddenly felt his hair shiner and silkier. Vince stopped to look in a store window. It looked better than it did in years. He looked back at the school now feeling really terrible for how he acted towards her this morning and yesterday "Thanks..." he said. Then walked back to the shop making a promise to himself to be better to her from this point on.