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Description
Author's Note:
*insert typical disclaimer here*

Falling

When you stepped out from the post-match logorrhea meaning to find a vending machine, you, instead, found an upset Kuroo Tetsuro. Although you assumed that it was normal to be depressed after losing an important game, Kuroo just didn’t seem like he was someone who’d let the loss get to him. Needless to say, this was quite unexpected.

He’d placed himself on a quasi-secluded corner next to a vending machine, with his head slumped against the wall. His eyes were tight shut, while his eyebrows were knotted just as tightly. Anxiety had made itself prominent across his features, painting it with a troubled expression.

You couldn’t believe what you were seeing.

In all honesty, you had no clue that a volleyball match could have this much of an impact on a person. Plus, you weren’t one for watching tournaments. It just so happens that your perpetually-guy-hunting-best-friend dragged you along, saying that the men here were ripe for the picking regardless of what you had to say (again). Only at your arrival did the two of you find out that your school, Nekoma, was playing too. As mentioned before, they lost.

Strangely enough, right after the match, he didn’t seem to be so upset about the loss – indifferent even. If you hadn’t personally seen him in his corner of despair or someshit, you wouldn’t have even guessed that all of that was just an act.

A part of you wanted to turn back and run and another part wanted to offer words of encouragement, but you were pretty sure from personal experience that half-assed comforting was the last thing on the list of what he needed at this very moment. Hell, if the latter happened to you, you’d probably want nothing more than to hit that person’s face with a fucking brick, but since open interspecies hostility is socially frowned upon, you’d just tell that person to go fuck off or something.

But as you were about to leave, his eyes flashed open. You froze. When you were about to choke out an apology, he closed his eyes again, probably realizing that you weren’t anyone worth taking note of.

Then, relief washed over you. Instead of leaving, you proceeded to buy a drink figuring that there wasn’t anything to worry about anymore since he was now aware of your presence. When you got your preferred beverage, you motioned to leave. But with one last look at Kuroo, a pang of guilt runs down your spine. Something about simply leaving without doing shit left a bad taste in your mouth.

Before you could register it, you were on your way back to the vending machine. You slid another bill into the contraption and pressed the button for lemon balm – something that has always seemed to soothe your nerves. After, you took a sticky note from your bag (you had a habit of constantly having a pad or two since remembering practically everything proved to be so fucking difficult). After, you left the beverage at his side along with a brief note:

‘I have shit people skills so here’s some tea to calm you down, I guess. :>’

With that, you left.

•••

It hurt.

You’re your heart palpitated within your chest, along with the abrading pain that perforated through. At that moment, the only thing you could register was the pain. More importantly, though, you had no fucking clue why.

Then, tears fell from your eyes one by one, as if each of them were released in a calculated beat. You looked up apologetically, but he was no longer there.

No one was.

“Oi.”

Huh, you tried to reply, but not a word escaped your lips. All there was was a deep inhalation and a burst of light. You were dreaming, you realized.

“Oi,” The voice called yet again.

Greeted by a pair of feline-like orbs, you woke up. And there he was, you recognized, Kuroo Tetsuro.

He donned that slack expression on his face, while his hair was as messy as you’d remembered it. Only, this time, he too was wearing the same uniform issued by your school. It took you a couple of seconds of blatantly staring at the perpetually-bed-headed boy before you could register what was happening and, coincidentally, the cold item he was pressing against your cheek.

With a battalion of curses occasionally directed to the apparent douche, you managed to pry the ice-cold drink from your cheek. Strangely enough, he breaks into a hushed laughter. Naturally, you respond by melodramatically rolling your eyes.

Goddammit, this was not, in any circumstances, the way to wake up from a lunch-break nap. On another note, it’s been a week since the match, but this was the first time you’ve actually talked to him.

When he’d settled down, he apologized cooingly before explaining, “Well, I saw you in the cafeteria, I thought you looked familiar. Then, I remembered the tea with the note, which, I assume, was from you?”

You reply with a cross of a smirk and a smile, “So you decided to ambush me in my sleep with a hypothermia-inducing beverage?”

He scoffed, “I wanted to pay you back.”

“By placing that unholy piece of arctic-slur on my face?” you cooed, generally amused. Strangely, you were in no mood to bite anyone’s head off as of the moment, which was pretty rare considering how you woke up.

“Pretty much,” he smiled, as he gives you the drink with a throw.

“The name’s Kuroo Tetsuro. What’s yours?”

“[L/N] [F/N].”

With that, the afternoon melted into a nexus of chat, banter and slapstick humor, courtesy of Kuroo Tetsuro himself. Needless to say, you’re glad you left that note.

•••

That same day, you made your way to the station in a jog. You cursed under your breath, when you realized that you were in the brink of missing your train home, and a bit louder again when you realized that the next train wouldn’t arrive until another hour.

Slipping through the mass of people in the train station, you managed to squeeze into the vicinity of the stop. With a final turn, you catch a glimpse of your train…

… just before it speeds off into the distance. You couldn’t believe your luck, honestly. With pursed lips and a fuming head you plopped yourself down on a bench. To wait was now officially your solitary choice.

Bitterly, you stared into nothingness, because there was no fucking way you’d wander around town to kill time, whilst risking missing the train again. Thirty minutes into the wait, you catch a glimpse of an all-too-familiar matt of hair. It seemed as though Kuroo had managed to spot you too, since he traipsed towards you with a nod. Not long after, he sat next to you with a lopsided smirk draped across his face.

“Is this your stop?” he inquired.

“No,” you mused sarcastically. “I just wanted to hang out here for the next half-an-hour staring into space.”

“Well, I take that as a yes,” he rolled his eyes, as he offered to let you drink from his bottle of soda with a nudge. Muttering a quick thanks, you took a few gulps from the beverage.

“Don’t you have volleyball practice?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“No practice during Thursdays,” he replied, not a bit appalled about you knowing about his club. “What about you? Don’t you have a club or something?”

“Nope. I’m not really into staying late in school premises when I could be at home, you know, actually away from the hellhole that is school?”

He chuckled, “Good point.”

A moment of silence ensconced itself between the both of you, but there was not a single strain to fill it. There was no need to. All there was was the faint buzzing of the crowd, intertwined with millions of random steps and recorded announcements melting into one inscrutable cadenza. After a multitude of beats, the sound of a billowing train runs through, followed by an even louder murmuring of people.

When the both of you got in, there was hardly any space left. You’d managed to place yourself against the corner where the door and the side of a seat coincide, while Kuroo stood in front of you with a hand clutching a pole and another against the train door. Thankfully enough, if it weren’t for the fact that he was loosely caging you in the space between his arms, the flood of people would’ve crushed you whole.

With that, you thanked him, but he couldn’t quite get what you’re thanking him for – as though it was just common sense. Although stricken by this boy’s seemingly uncharacteristic kindness, you thanked him once again nonetheless.

Although, naturally, the distance between the both of you would’ve inflicted discomfort and awkwardness towards you both, all that was washed away by his terrible sense of humor and knack for story-telling. In fact, his tales ranged from his volleyball exploits, how that one terror-teacher managed to get a dude to tie the knot with her, to what the both of you wanted to be in the future.

Apparently, he plans on playing for the national team someday. Then, he asked you what you wanted to be.

“I want to be…” you paused. “happy, I guess.” You couldn’t even tell if you were just joking, in all honesty.

His lips crack into a smile, “Don’t we all.”

As soon as you reached your stop, the both of you made your way out of the train. He, surprisingly, insisted on walking you home, along with his signature self-serving remarks. According to him, his house was just around the corner and that it was no big deal. With a shrug, you let him.

The walk home was a brief one. When you reached the front of your apartment, you smiled at him, and for the umpteenth time today you said, “Thank you.

“Remind me to always make you owe me, since they pay-back’s worth so much more than what I gave,” you cooed.

“Noted,” he said back. Just before you turned to leave, you heard him call your name.

“[L/N].”

“Yeah?”

“I almost forgot. Gimme your phone number,” he says nonchalantly.

This was your turn to scoff at him, “Too bad it’s not for free.”

He rolled his eyes at you, like legitimately rolled his eyes at you. You couldn’t help but laugh. With that, a glint of something you couldn’t quite place flashed on his eyes for the briefest moment, before he wears the smirk that indicated that he’d just decided to get his game on.

And, oh boy, was his game on.

He inched closer to with an intense stare. Normally, you’d be flustered, but since you figure that fake-flirting was his thing, you just played along with his impulses. But when you clearly saw his eyes beneath the dim luminescence, you knew your heart had betrayed you when it skipped a beat. He’d already won.

“You shouldn’t really mess with a wolf, [F/N].” Without you noticing that he did, he’d messily scribbled his number across your palm. When you did, though, his face cracked into one his sardonic smiles.

“Call me,” his smile, crumbling into a full-on grin.

•••

A couple of months into your unexpected friendship, Kuroo has managed to show you that he, a matter a fact, was not as douchey as he seemed. At first, you expected your first conversation to be your last, since it seemed like he’d be the type that’d have no care for maintaining some acquaintanceship by chance. That was not the case.

He’d consistently nod to you every time you guys come across each other in the hallways, he’d chat with you from time to time and he’d still uphold your Thursday-evening walk homes. However, what you liked most from all your other encounters with the bed-headed boy was how you’d text each other into the night about essentially mundane yet amusing things. There were times, though, where the unconventional banter would steer into a serious topic, and in those cases, Kuroo still served to be a swell conversational partner. Plus, since you figured that the both of you had already texted each other in a much later hour than this one, it’d be okay to send him a short message.

It wasn’t like it was anything serious, though. It was just that your reoccurring dream slash nightmare was on a persistent repeat that night, and you didn’t really know what to do since your batch was in a school trip. Fresh air and a whiff of Kuroo’s humor, you assumed, would somehow help.

‘Penny for your thoughts?’ you pressed send, without really expecting a reply.

Strangely, a response came soon after, ‘I’m thinking why the hell are you still awake at this unholy hour.’

You bit you lip in guilt. He must’ve been sleeping, you assumed. With a quick ‘Sorry,’ you sat on the grass, and proceeded to stare into space.

The panorama featured a night sky. It was a starless night, yet its lack held a certain beauty. The solitary source of luminescence was of the full-moon’s, and the torpid clouds that dimmed this light served only to adorn its beauty. This temporal expanse was the one draped across the earth’s sky that night. Ultimately, you were glad you stepped out to get fresh air.

You inhaled the wind’s earthy fragrance, as you listened to how each gust threaded through the swathe of greenery. Then, from your left, a voice you knew too well whistles to a tune of the song that you weren’t familiar with. Kuroo sits next to you, whilst pressing a warm beverage against your cheek. Thanking him for it, you take the beverage.

Lemmon balm, you thought, remembering your first encounter with the bed-headed boy. There was a warmth in your chest that spread like wildfire – fast, without exception and, in a sense, frightening. However, you shrugged it off.

At that moment, all you could do was appreciate Kuroo for his twisted kindness.

You took a gander of his face. He seemed tired, but you couldn’t really tell, since he always looked sleep-deprived despite his hair. A sheepish grin plays along the crack of his lips, “Here I am, gracing you with my presence, so you might as well tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is,” you sent him a side-smile, “just having nightmares is all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

You weren’t really sure if you did, but you guess you owed him a story since he made the effort of going down here to meet you.

“All I remember about it is thinking about how much it hurt to breathe and how my chest hurt. I was crying – a lot, but I’m not really sure why. When I looked up, there was no one there. It feels like someone was supposed to be, though, but I don’t really know. It’s nothing, really,” you reassure him with a full-on smile.

“Do you want me to comfort you or to psycho-bullshit your dream?” he cooed half-assedly.

“Surprise me,” you mused.

With that, he pats your head, while endeavoring to fuck up your hair even more. You laughed under your breath as you wrestled with him to make him stop. Then, you grabbed a fist-full of his hair, and you started to dishevel tufts of his hair, too. Needless to say, your efforts were ineffective, since his hair always sprang back to how they used to be: all over the place.

Out of breath, you lied on the ground in surrender. He did the same thing. Then, in those few seconds, all that could be heard were your intertwined breaths.

On a whole new different note, his eyes, you realized, were beautiful. It shone against the night like swaths of interlocked obsidian. More importantly, the gentleness of his perpetually intense stare, you noticed, fully overthrew its playfulness. All that was left was a sheet of serenity.

If you hadn’t known any better, you would’ve assumed that you’d fallen for him at that very moment. However, you knew that you wouldn’t – that you shouldn’t. You didn’t want everything to turn to shit this time.

So, almost painstakingly, you turned away from the stars within his orbs to face the sky that lacked the same radiance.

•••

You knew too well how shitty the reality of falling in love is. For fucks sake, falling in love was like a cliff that happens to have this generously ornamented sign right next to it, promising you with all the joys and graces you could imagine. You, on the other hand, were the naïve retard that gullibly pirouettes off that edge, taking each entailing word by heart. What they didn’t tell you and what you didn’t notice, of course, was the fine print that stated that the chances of you receiving such would be one in a fucking zillion.

Needless to say, there was no one to catch you at the bottom, and all you’d ever know after was the unwelcoming coldness of the ground as it collides with you. In the end, you lose parts of yourself that you could no longer get back, and in exchange you gain scars across your already bruised skin that may never fade, but you think all that must’ve been just a mistake – that if you just try again, it might just go your way.

So, you claw your way up that cliff, ignoring the agony, ignoring the blood that bled through your fingers in your efforts to raise yourself up yet again. Finally reaching the top, you whisper to yourself, “This time for sure.”

But it’s not.

No one catches you. You break – a little bit more than before, but you try again…

and again…

and again…

Until a time came that you realize that there’s a motherfucking fine print hidden beneath all that wonderful bullshit – that a mere one in a zillion chance is not worth going through that hell until you lose all that’s yours. You get tired, and you form a conclusion:

Love is not worth it.

So when you realized that you were in the brink of toppling down in that cliff again, it terrified you. You didn’t want to suffer – to be only one who died in the inside every time you discovered that he just didn’t love you like you loved him. And boy did you love him. There was no way you’d go through that hell again, even if that meant that you’d never get to be with Kuroo Tetsuro.

You, you had decided, were better off keeping these feelings far into your chest, where it wouldn’t see the light of day. And you would keep it there, even if it meant the death of you. It was easier that way.

That is, until, one Thursday night.

You and Kuroo headed home together, as usual. In the walk home, however, the topic steered into the location of his house. You remembered, at one point, that he told you that it was just around the corner of yours. Curious, you asked him about it, and his response was nothing short of dodgey. Naturally, you insisted.

And, hell, you kind’a wish you hadn’t.

“You do realize that that’s two stations away,” you stated, a tad bit more acrid than you meant for it to be.

“Congratulations, you know your train stops,” he replied, sarcasm dripping in each note. But god knew that wasn’t what pissed you off.

“You said it was just around the corner. In case it wasn’t obvious, Kuroo, two stations away is not just around the corner,” you huffed. “Why would you lie about that?”

He scratched his head, not really alarmed by how you’ve raised your voice. He was just as chilled out as he normally would be in normal circumstances. Then, he said, “Well, you wouldn’t let me drop you off if I told you I’d have to go two stations back, won’t you?”

At that moment, you were overcome by two emotions. The first one was happiness. You mean, who wouldn’t be? The fact that he was willing to go way out of his way to just take you home was enough to send an army of butterflies to your stomach and to enrage your already violently beating heart. But that brings us to the second emotion:

Anger.

Not towards him, though – god, no – but towards yourself. Clearly, you’ve let his little act of kindness get to you again, and you know for yourself at in the span of that conversation, you allowed it. You knew, more than anyone else, that this momentary bliss was not worth the long term agony you’d experience.

“[F/N], I honestly don’t get why the hell you’re mad.”

You didn’t quite understand why, too.

You smiled quite bitterly, “Right. Sorry. I just- I’m having a bad day, Kuroo. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” advanced towards you, lightly grabbing your arm. “What’s up? What’s wrong?”

You could feel every inch of your flesh betray you the moment your heart skipped yet another beat. After all, all that lied in between you and him were your shared breaths. So close. If you hadn’t known any better, you would’ve thought he would kiss you right then and there. But as your lips were about to meet, he stopped – waiting. It took every part of you to stop yourself from diminishing the thread of distance that stod in between you. After a few beats, you almost winced when you turned away.

“Nothing is.” You lied. You loved him, and that’s what’s wrong. Other than that, you felt guilty. He deserved none of this drama – none of this crap you were giving him. So, you forced yourself to fake a smile. “I’m fine, Kuroo.”

Usually, when it was time for you to go after the walk home, the both of you would take turns to say bye first. It’d always been like that. In a single motion, you smiled at him and said, “Goodbye, Kuroo.” Then, without another word, you left.

It was not your turn to say goodbye.

•••

It was now a fact that you’ve been avoiding him. You had to if you wanted to think about everything with a clear mind - something you obviously won’t have in his vicinity. What perplexed you most, though, was the night of the maybe-kiss. That instance could either have meant the world or nothing at all, and you hated that wide margin of uncertainty. All this only served to haul you further into a maelstrom of confusion with Kuroo Tetsuro as the eye.

What you weren’t expecting was how he wordlessly heeded your need for space. He somehow knew what you wanted to happen, and acted accordingly. He didn’t ignore you, though. In fact, sometimes you still found him looking at you from a distance. He wouldn’t even bother to look away. Just waiting.

One morning, though, you realized that you couldn’t drag this on any further. Otherwise, this could permanently put strain on your relationship with him. You weren’t going to take that risk. So, at one Thursday evening, you purposely waited for him in the entranceway. When you spotted him for afar, you waited for him to spot you back. When he did, you could’ve sworn that he lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.

Ignoring the pain within your chest and the fear that pumped into your body, you smiled at him, too – something you’ve constantly refrained from doing throughout your cool-off. Surprisingly, he smiled back. When he was close enough, he asked, “Ready?”

A wash of relief ran through you, as though a great thirst had finally been quenched. Who would’ve thought you could miss talking to someone this much?

“More than ever,” You lied.

The two of you headed towards the station, as per usual. However, the only thing that persisted between the both of you was silence. Thankfully, it was a comfortable one. Only when you got in your house did the both of you begin to truly talk.

After you pieced up a couple of biscuits and juice, you placed the measly meal on the table – more of a formality than a courtesy. The moment he’d settled in, you began, “As you might already know, I might love you.”

He was quiet, and his expression was nothing short of inscrutable. So, you simply continued.

“But I can’t.”

“Why not?” he replied almost too soon.

“Because, Kuroo, I know the reality of love. It’s- It’s not worth it.” Soon after, you immediately regretted what you had just said. An expression of hurt flashed ever so briefly across his face before it was replaced by comprehension.

“What’re you so afraid of, [F/N]?”

What indeed, you repeated to yourself. In retrospect, it would’ve been pain – the pain that the eventual aftermath would bring forth. But that wasn’t the case now, you realized.
“Kuroo,” you couldn’t stop your voice from cracking. “You’re not even mine, yet I’m so fucking afraid of losing you.”

That’s most honest that you’d ever been.

Then, he cupped your cheek into the heat of his palm. Then, traced his thumb across the ridge of your eye to your chin. “You won’t lose me.”

Exasperated, you attempted to express your skepticism, “Kuroo-”

“I love you, too, and I won’t fucking leave. I’ll be here, [Y/N]. I’ll be right here by your side – always.”

A surge of warmth spreads through our chest, overflowing in all of you, in spite of your protests. But you knew – too well – how all happiness was temporary, and that this bliss would somehow be turned to pain. That’s the thing about love – it’s too good to last. That was something you’ve learned from the past, and you sure as hell wouldn’t want to relearn it. However, for some reason, you couldn’t tell him that.

After, he planted a chaste kiss on your forehead before encasing you within the warmth of his embrace, hesitantly. The more time you spent around him, the more your resolve crumbled.

You were afraid – of the past, of pain, of loving Kuroo. And yet, all of that seemed to dwindle into an insipid nothingness. Frankly, a huge part of you wanted to allow it to. Your line of thought just took a turn into a jamboree of confusion and contradiction of logic. Everything no longer made sense.

You loved him. You wanted to be with him. You can. But someday it’d end, and that would kill you.

His voice was the solitary tune that lulled you from your thoughts into a vacuum of comfort only the two of you were allowed to enter: “I love you.” He whispered it into your ear. You could practically sense the mix of desperation and serenity in his voice.

“I won’t leave you.”

“That’s a hard promise you’re making, Kuroo,” you couldn’t help but interject.

“Well, I’ll keep it,” his voice, firm.

“I don’t think you fully understand the promise you’re making.”

“Did I fucking stutter?” he asked with humor, in spite of the lightest shade of red that dusted his face. Discomfort was present in his voice, but he still made effort to continue. “I understand what I’m saying, [F/N].

“I know it’s terrifying. I mean, I’m afraid of losing you too, but it doesn’t have to end that way. Hell, it doesn’t even have to end at all. [F/N], I fucking believe we can survive anything together. So, please.”

With each word he articulated, the sensation of gradually slipping unto the edge of the cliff intensified. Gradually, gradually, gradually. Until.

All there was was the sensation of falling.

Before you knew it, you lips had collided with his, capering into a nexus of a shared serenity and passion. You breathed him in – the trace of salonpas, class a perfume and something you just couldn’t quite determine – all of it, as though it was what you needed most. It felt as if there was only him and you. That was all that mattered.

At that moment, you knew that he’d told the truth. The both of you could survive anything within each other’s arms.

[END]

Description
Author's Note:
*insert typical disclaimer here*

Falling

When you stepped out from the post-match logorrhea meaning to find a vending machine, you, instead, found an upset Kuroo Tetsuro. Although you assumed that it was normal to be depressed after losing an important game, Kuroo just didn’t seem like he was someone who’d let the loss get to him. Needless to say, this was quite unexpected.

He’d placed himself on a quasi-secluded corner next to a vending machine, with his head slumped against the wall. His eyes were tight shut, while his eyebrows were knotted just as tightly. Anxiety had made itself prominent across his features, painting it with a troubled expression.

You couldn’t believe what you were seeing.

In all honesty, you had no clue that a volleyball match could have this much of an impact on a person. Plus, you weren’t one for watching tournaments. It just so happens that your perpetually-guy-hunting-best-friend dragged you along, saying that the men here were ripe for the picking regardless of what you had to say (again). Only at your arrival did the two of you find out that your school, Nekoma, was playing too. As mentioned before, they lost.

Strangely enough, right after the match, he didn’t seem to be so upset about the loss – indifferent even. If you hadn’t personally seen him in his corner of despair or someshit, you wouldn’t have even guessed that all of that was just an act.

A part of you wanted to turn back and run and another part wanted to offer words of encouragement, but you were pretty sure from personal experience that half-assed comforting was the last thing on the list of what he needed at this very moment. Hell, if the latter happened to you, you’d probably want nothing more than to hit that person’s face with a fucking brick, but since open interspecies hostility is socially frowned upon, you’d just tell that person to go fuck off or something.

But as you were about to leave, his eyes flashed open. You froze. When you were about to choke out an apology, he closed his eyes again, probably realizing that you weren’t anyone worth taking note of.

Then, relief washed over you. Instead of leaving, you proceeded to buy a drink figuring that there wasn’t anything to worry about anymore since he was now aware of your presence. When you got your preferred beverage, you motioned to leave. But with one last look at Kuroo, a pang of guilt runs down your spine. Something about simply leaving without doing shit left a bad taste in your mouth.

Before you could register it, you were on your way back to the vending machine. You slid another bill into the contraption and pressed the button for lemon balm – something that has always seemed to soothe your nerves. After, you took a sticky note from your bag (you had a habit of constantly having a pad or two since remembering practically everything proved to be so fucking difficult). After, you left the beverage at his side along with a brief note:

‘I have shit people skills so here’s some tea to calm you down, I guess. :>’

With that, you left.

•••

It hurt.

You’re your heart palpitated within your chest, along with the abrading pain that perforated through. At that moment, the only thing you could register was the pain. More importantly, though, you had no fucking clue why.

Then, tears fell from your eyes one by one, as if each of them were released in a calculated beat. You looked up apologetically, but he was no longer there.

No one was.

“Oi.”

Huh, you tried to reply, but not a word escaped your lips. All there was was a deep inhalation and a burst of light. You were dreaming, you realized.

“Oi,” The voice called yet again.

Greeted by a pair of feline-like orbs, you woke up. And there he was, you recognized, Kuroo Tetsuro.

He donned that slack expression on his face, while his hair was as messy as you’d remembered it. Only, this time, he too was wearing the same uniform issued by your school. It took you a couple of seconds of blatantly staring at the perpetually-bed-headed boy before you could register what was happening and, coincidentally, the cold item he was pressing against your cheek.

With a battalion of curses occasionally directed to the apparent douche, you managed to pry the ice-cold drink from your cheek. Strangely enough, he breaks into a hushed laughter. Naturally, you respond by melodramatically rolling your eyes.

Goddammit, this was not, in any circumstances, the way to wake up from a lunch-break nap. On another note, it’s been a week since the match, but this was the first time you’ve actually talked to him.

When he’d settled down, he apologized cooingly before explaining, “Well, I saw you in the cafeteria, I thought you looked familiar. Then, I remembered the tea with the note, which, I assume, was from you?”

You reply with a cross of a smirk and a smile, “So you decided to ambush me in my sleep with a hypothermia-inducing beverage?”

He scoffed, “I wanted to pay you back.”

“By placing that unholy piece of arctic-slur on my face?” you cooed, generally amused. Strangely, you were in no mood to bite anyone’s head off as of the moment, which was pretty rare considering how you woke up.

“Pretty much,” he smiled, as he gives you the drink with a throw.

“The name’s Kuroo Tetsuro. What’s yours?”

“[L/N] [F/N].”

With that, the afternoon melted into a nexus of chat, banter and slapstick humor, courtesy of Kuroo Tetsuro himself. Needless to say, you’re glad you left that note.

•••

That same day, you made your way to the station in a jog. You cursed under your breath, when you realized that you were in the brink of missing your train home, and a bit louder again when you realized that the next train wouldn’t arrive until another hour.

Slipping through the mass of people in the train station, you managed to squeeze into the vicinity of the stop. With a final turn, you catch a glimpse of your train…

… just before it speeds off into the distance. You couldn’t believe your luck, honestly. With pursed lips and a fuming head you plopped yourself down on a bench. To wait was now officially your solitary choice.

Bitterly, you stared into nothingness, because there was no fucking way you’d wander around town to kill time, whilst risking missing the train again. Thirty minutes into the wait, you catch a glimpse of an all-too-familiar matt of hair. It seemed as though Kuroo had managed to spot you too, since he traipsed towards you with a nod. Not long after, he sat next to you with a lopsided smirk draped across his face.

“Is this your stop?” he inquired.

“No,” you mused sarcastically. “I just wanted to hang out here for the next half-an-hour staring into space.”

“Well, I take that as a yes,” he rolled his eyes, as he offered to let you drink from his bottle of soda with a nudge. Muttering a quick thanks, you took a few gulps from the beverage.

“Don’t you have volleyball practice?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“No practice during Thursdays,” he replied, not a bit appalled about you knowing about his club. “What about you? Don’t you have a club or something?”

“Nope. I’m not really into staying late in school premises when I could be at home, you know, actually away from the hellhole that is school?”

He chuckled, “Good point.”

A moment of silence ensconced itself between the both of you, but there was not a single strain to fill it. There was no need to. All there was was the faint buzzing of the crowd, intertwined with millions of random steps and recorded announcements melting into one inscrutable cadenza. After a multitude of beats, the sound of a billowing train runs through, followed by an even louder murmuring of people.

When the both of you got in, there was hardly any space left. You’d managed to place yourself against the corner where the door and the side of a seat coincide, while Kuroo stood in front of you with a hand clutching a pole and another against the train door. Thankfully enough, if it weren’t for the fact that he was loosely caging you in the space between his arms, the flood of people would’ve crushed you whole.

With that, you thanked him, but he couldn’t quite get what you’re thanking him for – as though it was just common sense. Although stricken by this boy’s seemingly uncharacteristic kindness, you thanked him once again nonetheless.

Although, naturally, the distance between the both of you would’ve inflicted discomfort and awkwardness towards you both, all that was washed away by his terrible sense of humor and knack for story-telling. In fact, his tales ranged from his volleyball exploits, how that one terror-teacher managed to get a dude to tie the knot with her, to what the both of you wanted to be in the future.

Apparently, he plans on playing for the national team someday. Then, he asked you what you wanted to be.

“I want to be…” you paused. “happy, I guess.” You couldn’t even tell if you were just joking, in all honesty.

His lips crack into a smile, “Don’t we all.”

As soon as you reached your stop, the both of you made your way out of the train. He, surprisingly, insisted on walking you home, along with his signature self-serving remarks. According to him, his house was just around the corner and that it was no big deal. With a shrug, you let him.

The walk home was a brief one. When you reached the front of your apartment, you smiled at him, and for the umpteenth time today you said, “Thank you.

“Remind me to always make you owe me, since they pay-back’s worth so much more than what I gave,” you cooed.

“Noted,” he said back. Just before you turned to leave, you heard him call your name.

“[L/N].”

“Yeah?”

“I almost forgot. Gimme your phone number,” he says nonchalantly.

This was your turn to scoff at him, “Too bad it’s not for free.”

He rolled his eyes at you, like legitimately rolled his eyes at you. You couldn’t help but laugh. With that, a glint of something you couldn’t quite place flashed on his eyes for the briefest moment, before he wears the smirk that indicated that he’d just decided to get his game on.

And, oh boy, was his game on.

He inched closer to with an intense stare. Normally, you’d be flustered, but since you figure that fake-flirting was his thing, you just played along with his impulses. But when you clearly saw his eyes beneath the dim luminescence, you knew your heart had betrayed you when it skipped a beat. He’d already won.

“You shouldn’t really mess with a wolf, [F/N].” Without you noticing that he did, he’d messily scribbled his number across your palm. When you did, though, his face cracked into one his sardonic smiles.

“Call me,” his smile, crumbling into a full-on grin.

•••

A couple of months into your unexpected friendship, Kuroo has managed to show you that he, a matter a fact, was not as douchey as he seemed. At first, you expected your first conversation to be your last, since it seemed like he’d be the type that’d have no care for maintaining some acquaintanceship by chance. That was not the case.

He’d consistently nod to you every time you guys come across each other in the hallways, he’d chat with you from time to time and he’d still uphold your Thursday-evening walk homes. However, what you liked most from all your other encounters with the bed-headed boy was how you’d text each other into the night about essentially mundane yet amusing things. There were times, though, where the unconventional banter would steer into a serious topic, and in those cases, Kuroo still served to be a swell conversational partner. Plus, since you figured that the both of you had already texted each other in a much later hour than this one, it’d be okay to send him a short message.

It wasn’t like it was anything serious, though. It was just that your reoccurring dream slash nightmare was on a persistent repeat that night, and you didn’t really know what to do since your batch was in a school trip. Fresh air and a whiff of Kuroo’s humor, you assumed, would somehow help.

‘Penny for your thoughts?’ you pressed send, without really expecting a reply.

Strangely, a response came soon after, ‘I’m thinking why the hell are you still awake at this unholy hour.’

You bit you lip in guilt. He must’ve been sleeping, you assumed. With a quick ‘Sorry,’ you sat on the grass, and proceeded to stare into space.

The panorama featured a night sky. It was a starless night, yet its lack held a certain beauty. The solitary source of luminescence was of the full-moon’s, and the torpid clouds that dimmed this light served only to adorn its beauty. This temporal expanse was the one draped across the earth’s sky that night. Ultimately, you were glad you stepped out to get fresh air.

You inhaled the wind’s earthy fragrance, as you listened to how each gust threaded through the swathe of greenery. Then, from your left, a voice you knew too well whistles to a tune of the song that you weren’t familiar with. Kuroo sits next to you, whilst pressing a warm beverage against your cheek. Thanking him for it, you take the beverage.

Lemmon balm, you thought, remembering your first encounter with the bed-headed boy. There was a warmth in your chest that spread like wildfire – fast, without exception and, in a sense, frightening. However, you shrugged it off.

At that moment, all you could do was appreciate Kuroo for his twisted kindness.

You took a gander of his face. He seemed tired, but you couldn’t really tell, since he always looked sleep-deprived despite his hair. A sheepish grin plays along the crack of his lips, “Here I am, gracing you with my presence, so you might as well tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is,” you sent him a side-smile, “just having nightmares is all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

You weren’t really sure if you did, but you guess you owed him a story since he made the effort of going down here to meet you.

“All I remember about it is thinking about how much it hurt to breathe and how my chest hurt. I was crying – a lot, but I’m not really sure why. When I looked up, there was no one there. It feels like someone was supposed to be, though, but I don’t really know. It’s nothing, really,” you reassure him with a full-on smile.

“Do you want me to comfort you or to psycho-bullshit your dream?” he cooed half-assedly.

“Surprise me,” you mused.

With that, he pats your head, while endeavoring to fuck up your hair even more. You laughed under your breath as you wrestled with him to make him stop. Then, you grabbed a fist-full of his hair, and you started to dishevel tufts of his hair, too. Needless to say, your efforts were ineffective, since his hair always sprang back to how they used to be: all over the place.

Out of breath, you lied on the ground in surrender. He did the same thing. Then, in those few seconds, all that could be heard were your intertwined breaths.

On a whole new different note, his eyes, you realized, were beautiful. It shone against the night like swaths of interlocked obsidian. More importantly, the gentleness of his perpetually intense stare, you noticed, fully overthrew its playfulness. All that was left was a sheet of serenity.

If you hadn’t known any better, you would’ve assumed that you’d fallen for him at that very moment. However, you knew that you wouldn’t – that you shouldn’t. You didn’t want everything to turn to shit this time.

So, almost painstakingly, you turned away from the stars within his orbs to face the sky that lacked the same radiance.

•••

You knew too well how shitty the reality of falling in love is. For fucks sake, falling in love was like a cliff that happens to have this generously ornamented sign right next to it, promising you with all the joys and graces you could imagine. You, on the other hand, were the naïve retard that gullibly pirouettes off that edge, taking each entailing word by heart. What they didn’t tell you and what you didn’t notice, of course, was the fine print that stated that the chances of you receiving such would be one in a fucking zillion.

Needless to say, there was no one to catch you at the bottom, and all you’d ever know after was the unwelcoming coldness of the ground as it collides with you. In the end, you lose parts of yourself that you could no longer get back, and in exchange you gain scars across your already bruised skin that may never fade, but you think all that must’ve been just a mistake – that if you just try again, it might just go your way.

So, you claw your way up that cliff, ignoring the agony, ignoring the blood that bled through your fingers in your efforts to raise yourself up yet again. Finally reaching the top, you whisper to yourself, “This time for sure.”

But it’s not.

No one catches you. You break – a little bit more than before, but you try again…

and again…

and again…

Until a time came that you realize that there’s a motherfucking fine print hidden beneath all that wonderful bullshit – that a mere one in a zillion chance is not worth going through that hell until you lose all that’s yours. You get tired, and you form a conclusion:

Love is not worth it.

So when you realized that you were in the brink of toppling down in that cliff again, it terrified you. You didn’t want to suffer – to be only one who died in the inside every time you discovered that he just didn’t love you like you loved him. And boy did you love him. There was no way you’d go through that hell again, even if that meant that you’d never get to be with Kuroo Tetsuro.

You, you had decided, were better off keeping these feelings far into your chest, where it wouldn’t see the light of day. And you would keep it there, even if it meant the death of you. It was easier that way.

That is, until, one Thursday night.

You and Kuroo headed home together, as usual. In the walk home, however, the topic steered into the location of his house. You remembered, at one point, that he told you that it was just around the corner of yours. Curious, you asked him about it, and his response was nothing short of dodgey. Naturally, you insisted.

And, hell, you kind’a wish you hadn’t.

“You do realize that that’s two stations away,” you stated, a tad bit more acrid than you meant for it to be.

“Congratulations, you know your train stops,” he replied, sarcasm dripping in each note. But god knew that wasn’t what pissed you off.

“You said it was just around the corner. In case it wasn’t obvious, Kuroo, two stations away is not just around the corner,” you huffed. “Why would you lie about that?”

He scratched his head, not really alarmed by how you’ve raised your voice. He was just as chilled out as he normally would be in normal circumstances. Then, he said, “Well, you wouldn’t let me drop you off if I told you I’d have to go two stations back, won’t you?”

At that moment, you were overcome by two emotions. The first one was happiness. You mean, who wouldn’t be? The fact that he was willing to go way out of his way to just take you home was enough to send an army of butterflies to your stomach and to enrage your already violently beating heart. But that brings us to the second emotion:

Anger.

Not towards him, though – god, no – but towards yourself. Clearly, you’ve let his little act of kindness get to you again, and you know for yourself at in the span of that conversation, you allowed it. You knew, more than anyone else, that this momentary bliss was not worth the long term agony you’d experience.

“[F/N], I honestly don’t get why the hell you’re mad.”

You didn’t quite understand why, too.

You smiled quite bitterly, “Right. Sorry. I just- I’m having a bad day, Kuroo. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” advanced towards you, lightly grabbing your arm. “What’s up? What’s wrong?”

You could feel every inch of your flesh betray you the moment your heart skipped yet another beat. After all, all that lied in between you and him were your shared breaths. So close. If you hadn’t known any better, you would’ve thought he would kiss you right then and there. But as your lips were about to meet, he stopped – waiting. It took every part of you to stop yourself from diminishing the thread of distance that stod in between you. After a few beats, you almost winced when you turned away.

“Nothing is.” You lied. You loved him, and that’s what’s wrong. Other than that, you felt guilty. He deserved none of this drama – none of this crap you were giving him. So, you forced yourself to fake a smile. “I’m fine, Kuroo.”

Usually, when it was time for you to go after the walk home, the both of you would take turns to say bye first. It’d always been like that. In a single motion, you smiled at him and said, “Goodbye, Kuroo.” Then, without another word, you left.

It was not your turn to say goodbye.

•••

It was now a fact that you’ve been avoiding him. You had to if you wanted to think about everything with a clear mind - something you obviously won’t have in his vicinity. What perplexed you most, though, was the night of the maybe-kiss. That instance could either have meant the world or nothing at all, and you hated that wide margin of uncertainty. All this only served to haul you further into a maelstrom of confusion with Kuroo Tetsuro as the eye.

What you weren’t expecting was how he wordlessly heeded your need for space. He somehow knew what you wanted to happen, and acted accordingly. He didn’t ignore you, though. In fact, sometimes you still found him looking at you from a distance. He wouldn’t even bother to look away. Just waiting.

One morning, though, you realized that you couldn’t drag this on any further. Otherwise, this could permanently put strain on your relationship with him. You weren’t going to take that risk. So, at one Thursday evening, you purposely waited for him in the entranceway. When you spotted him for afar, you waited for him to spot you back. When he did, you could’ve sworn that he lit up like a fucking Christmas tree.

Ignoring the pain within your chest and the fear that pumped into your body, you smiled at him, too – something you’ve constantly refrained from doing throughout your cool-off. Surprisingly, he smiled back. When he was close enough, he asked, “Ready?”

A wash of relief ran through you, as though a great thirst had finally been quenched. Who would’ve thought you could miss talking to someone this much?

“More than ever,” You lied.

The two of you headed towards the station, as per usual. However, the only thing that persisted between the both of you was silence. Thankfully, it was a comfortable one. Only when you got in your house did the both of you begin to truly talk.

After you pieced up a couple of biscuits and juice, you placed the measly meal on the table – more of a formality than a courtesy. The moment he’d settled in, you began, “As you might already know, I might love you.”

He was quiet, and his expression was nothing short of inscrutable. So, you simply continued.

“But I can’t.”

“Why not?” he replied almost too soon.

“Because, Kuroo, I know the reality of love. It’s- It’s not worth it.” Soon after, you immediately regretted what you had just said. An expression of hurt flashed ever so briefly across his face before it was replaced by comprehension.

“What’re you so afraid of, [F/N]?”

What indeed, you repeated to yourself. In retrospect, it would’ve been pain – the pain that the eventual aftermath would bring forth. But that wasn’t the case now, you realized.
“Kuroo,” you couldn’t stop your voice from cracking. “You’re not even mine, yet I’m so fucking afraid of losing you.”

That’s most honest that you’d ever been.

Then, he cupped your cheek into the heat of his palm. Then, traced his thumb across the ridge of your eye to your chin. “You won’t lose me.”

Exasperated, you attempted to express your skepticism, “Kuroo-”

“I love you, too, and I won’t fucking leave. I’ll be here, [Y/N]. I’ll be right here by your side – always.”

A surge of warmth spreads through our chest, overflowing in all of you, in spite of your protests. But you knew – too well – how all happiness was temporary, and that this bliss would somehow be turned to pain. That’s the thing about love – it’s too good to last. That was something you’ve learned from the past, and you sure as hell wouldn’t want to relearn it. However, for some reason, you couldn’t tell him that.

After, he planted a chaste kiss on your forehead before encasing you within the warmth of his embrace, hesitantly. The more time you spent around him, the more your resolve crumbled.

You were afraid – of the past, of pain, of loving Kuroo. And yet, all of that seemed to dwindle into an insipid nothingness. Frankly, a huge part of you wanted to allow it to. Your line of thought just took a turn into a jamboree of confusion and contradiction of logic. Everything no longer made sense.

You loved him. You wanted to be with him. You can. But someday it’d end, and that would kill you.

His voice was the solitary tune that lulled you from your thoughts into a vacuum of comfort only the two of you were allowed to enter: “I love you.” He whispered it into your ear. You could practically sense the mix of desperation and serenity in his voice.

“I won’t leave you.”

“That’s a hard promise you’re making, Kuroo,” you couldn’t help but interject.

“Well, I’ll keep it,” his voice, firm.

“I don’t think you fully understand the promise you’re making.”

“Did I fucking stutter?” he asked with humor, in spite of the lightest shade of red that dusted his face. Discomfort was present in his voice, but he still made effort to continue. “I understand what I’m saying, [F/N].

“I know it’s terrifying. I mean, I’m afraid of losing you too, but it doesn’t have to end that way. Hell, it doesn’t even have to end at all. [F/N], I fucking believe we can survive anything together. So, please.”

With each word he articulated, the sensation of gradually slipping unto the edge of the cliff intensified. Gradually, gradually, gradually. Until.

All there was was the sensation of falling.

Before you knew it, you lips had collided with his, capering into a nexus of a shared serenity and passion. You breathed him in – the trace of salonpas, class a perfume and something you just couldn’t quite determine – all of it, as though it was what you needed most. It felt as if there was only him and you. That was all that mattered.

At that moment, you knew that he’d told the truth. The both of you could survive anything within each other’s arms.

[END]