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AthenrilTheThief — The Gateway: Chapter Two
Published: 2013-01-26 00:26:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 292; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description     I stepped inside the bar. Tarika didn't look much worried for the fact that Safire wasn't accompanying me. But I bet she could tell by my face that I did indeed find him.
"So he wasn't bothered coming in here, am I right?" she guessed it perfectly, as I expected.
I didn't reply to her. I didn't have to.
"Yeah, I thought so." she sighed, as I walked over to the front table she was currently cleaning and then I sat on the closest seat to the ginger wooden wall.
Aliana and Vath and a few casuals were in the room, drinking whatever the short-haired woman gave them.
"I can't believe you gave alcohol to that soak-face." I pointed my chin at the redhead, who stuck out his tongue as soon as he heard his nickname.
I still remember when one time he was so drunk he passed out on the floor and Aliana had to get Safire to drag him out of the Jewel up to his house and babysit him for hours. Everyone in the Nightshade wouldn't stop the chatter about it for at least two weeks. What a drunkie. I would never trust him with the alcohol, you'd only blink your eyes and he'd be on his tenth one.
"You want some too?" she smiled.
Good reflex.
"With pleasure." I smiled back.
The bar-woman walked to the shelves and put out a glass and a bottle of something. She filled the glass with the lemon-like liquid and then rushed to me with it.
I first sniffed it and then took a sip. White wine. Ma préféré personnelle.
"Oh, you're too kind." I smirked at her and so did she, then left.

    It was late, and there was only me, Aliana, Vath, Tarika and some random man present in the bar. I moved to Vath and Aliana's table and just drunk my wine silently as the two had a small talk about Tarika's alcohol sources. The subject of the conversation didn't seem much interested in it, instead she began to place all the clean cups and the drinks back where they were supposed to be.
Out of the blue, Safire appeared at the doors. Tarika didn't notice him until she heard him approaching towards our drunks' table.
"Well well, look who honoured us by their presence."
So it begins...
The blonde grimaced but he snapped her off shortly.
"I can go away anytime." that didn't sound like a joke.
Tarika put a sad face, filled with hope that he was only saying that so she would just back off with the comments.
"Safire... Please don't." she begged him.
He didn't response but sat at the table next to Aliana.
We all knew what he was capable of. A few months ago he just left all of a sudden and no one knew anything about it. He wouldn't come back for weeks. Nobody knew where he went to, what was he doing and when or if he was going to come back. He left Aliana in despair, she didn't sleep a wink for the time he was away, we found her crying over nights, praying he's okay. The other times he only vanished for days, a max of a week. But at that time, we were all terrified of what might have happened to him. Callyn and Soto desperately wanted him back and sued us to go look for him. And we did look for him, miles and miles away from Nightshade and never found him. We were hopeless. Just when we were about to give up on our researches, he simply showed up at the Blue Jewel. Tarika shouted at him for hours and days, trying to get the information out of him. But he never told us where he went and why. One of Safire's big mysteries he's probably gonna bury himself with.
I came over to the bar-woman and demanded another glass of wine. She took my glass and poured the liquid in. I only managed to take one sip of it before she opened her mouth to ask me for something.
"Rushia, would you mind and run up to the Orphans' Shelter to check on the kids?"
I groaned a little but accepted the request. I turned my back on Tarika, walked away, put my glass on one of the second last tables and then ran out of the bar.

    The Orphans' Shelter wasn't that far from the Jewel, only about two or three houses away. I looked at the red-glowing letters imprinted on an iron oval, hanging near the door of the two-storey house. That was a masterpiece to me, create a banner out of metal, then carve the sign on it and make the magic interact with it, to make it glow any colour that was currently needed. I have no idea how to make the colours you wanted, probably potions though. I walked inside the hideout.
Out of about thirty beds in the first level, only two were taken. By Callyn and Soto. This used to be a full-house back in a few years’ time. The upstairs which had fifteen beds in total, were full during that time too. Some kids were adopted by kind adventurers who were on their voyages. But those who weren't as lucky had a different option. When the kids reached the age of fourteen, they were no longer recognised as children but as grown-ups and could take care of themselves, so they had to leave the Orphans' Shelter and start a new, and also a possibly better life. All of the grown-ups who got out that way, had to go for a journey or commonly known as 'The Early Pilgrimage'. The Early Pilgrimage is a practise that only the orphaned children who haven't been adopted are expected to do. They need to prove that they are independent, so they go on an expedition for three years or less and achieve something worthy during that time, then come back to their hometown and show the proof to the village's representatives. If they fail, they come back to their hometown anyway and as a form of punishment, they are bound to stay there for six years, can't get married or afford any weapons during that time. Orphans have a harsh life as soon as they lose their parents but then again to me, it seems a lot more adventurous.
I've never experienced how it is going on such a journey, though I was supposed to. Eight years back, all the adults were asked to leave and join the army, leaving their kids behind with the elders. None of us was expected to go, we had to stay. Unless all the elders died, which was possible in our village, since the only elder left was the Old Mother Ahiel. But she only passed away when I was fifteen. The only way you get to go, is when your parents die or leave before you're fourteen and you're not bound to stay with the elderly. The only person I know personally that went on The Early Pilgrimage was Aliana. She killed a bear herself, brought its head with an arrow in its eye as a proof and therefore achieved something worthy.
I looked at sleeping Callyn and Soto, the orphaned siblings. They won't go on the journey either, unless Tarika goes on some sort of a voyage but that's unlikely. She would probably never leave the bar, so all the kids she might also adopt in future will be staying with her.

    I walked out of the Orphans' Shelter and headed towards the Blue Jewel. Firstly, I saw the bar-woman washing the cups. I nodded at her to acknowledge her that the kids are fine. The next thing I did was to look for my abandoned glass of wine I left five minutes ago. When I found it where I left it, reckless, I took it and drank some. But the wine didn't taste like it. For the first time after drinking, I felt dizzy. I gazed at the contents of my glass. I swear I could see some undissolved white powder. The last thing I could do consciously was to set the glass on the table. Then I faltered. My vision became darker and darker with every second. I was stunned, but I could somewhat hear Aliana calling. I think it was to help me. Safire rushed to me and caught me just before I hit the floor. Tarika, Aliana and Vath reached me soon. They were talking to me but I couldn't hear them. Lying in Safire's arms, dazed, I only made one conclusion of what has just happened.
"The man." I tried to say, but I couldn't hear myself, I wonder if I said anything, "He poisoned the wine. Find him."
Whatever I managed to say it had to be enough.
I couldn't say more. My vision became black.
I passed out.
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Comments: 10

uxv [2013-01-26 18:54:59 +0000 UTC]

I've got to say you're officially a tease . Starting slow and quitting just when it gets good .

So we get a bit of character development for Vath and Safire, though nothing too surprising .

It did surprise me how bad Aliana took Safire's disappearance - but you don't explain whether she cares that much for him in particular or if she's that way for everyone . Maybe their personalities and relationships will get clearer in light of some action, when you give them some situations and problems to solve.

I liked the bit of exposition about the Pilgrimage, it helps us understand their society a bit better. As such I would like to see more of their world . But try to keep it reasonable. At least I don't enjoy complex and elaborate mythologies for their own sake, especially if not immediately relevant.

And finally the action bit at the end. A cliffhanger is a good way to keep the readers hooked .

Looking forward to more .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

AthenrilTheThief In reply to uxv [2013-01-26 20:02:05 +0000 UTC]

I think I'm gonna like being a tease.
Sure, quitting when it just gets good is one of writers' tricks and even though everyone knows this particular one, surprisingly it usually works pretty well.

I guess the personalities and relationships aren't going to be in black and white just yet, everything will find its place and time in the story. But I'm pretty sure that some of them will become clear soon enough.

The Pilgrimage was one of the cases I had to deeply think about before typing it all down. And I get a feeling that even though I got really descriptive about it, there still might be confusion and therefore it might make people read it more than once.

I sort of felt I have to get stuff going, instead of those long depictions. So yeah, I've put things in action.

I am really happy to hear that you're looking forward to the story!

And I've got a little spoiler here as well: I've drawn Rushia and might upload it either today or tomorrow.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

uxv In reply to AthenrilTheThief [2013-01-27 12:07:10 +0000 UTC]

There are a few issues about the Pilgrimages I didn't understand. It's that on one hand they have unclear requirements, that you have to achieve "something worthy" and on the other hand there is a strict punishment for failing this vague task. Who determines what's considered worthy ? And what if there's a dispute? Also, if you failed your Pilgrimage, would you return to your village, knowing you'll be punished? I probably wouldn't .

And from a practical standpoint, I'm not sure it's in the best interest of the community to send their young people away - there's a big chance they won't return, whether due to them settling somewhere else or something happening to them. Young people, entering the productive age are a valuable commodity, even orphans .

But the people in your story don't necessarily have to think in practical terms, so these are not really issues with your story, I'm just wondering about these things. Also most readers might not see the above as issues anyway .

I'm sorry I can't be more constructive regarding this, maybe I'm missing the purpose the Pilgrimage will play in your story, or maybe I just don't have the imagination for this .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

AthenrilTheThief In reply to uxv [2013-01-27 12:59:07 +0000 UTC]

If there are any issues, I can only tell you that it will all make sense at some point of the story. I like unclear beginnings.

I would get sort of confused by sending kids on an expedition but on the other side, their society needs the strongest and the Pilgrimage probably has something to do with the 'fragile' orphans proving to be strong.

I guess the practical terms are somewhat different for the people from my story than it is to us. I sure wouldn't send any kids on a journey by their own but them people do.

Actually, in my thinking your comments are very constructive and it's fun replying them. The comments I don't really consider constructive are like 'I love the story, keep it up!' or 'This chapter is amazing! Hope to see more soon!' - these sort of comments might even annoy me, because not even one part of the chapter was mentioned and I don't really know am I doing a good enough job to make actual sense, all I know is that the readers like it... Which is not enough for me!

And don't worry about the Pilgrimage just yet, when I read it by a newcomer's point of view I get confused myself. I haven't given enough information about it for anyone to understand it yet.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

uxv In reply to AthenrilTheThief [2013-01-27 15:47:47 +0000 UTC]

Or even worse, those generic comments might even mean they didn't bother reading it at all (since they're applicable to any story).

By not being constructive I meant I couldn't offer a way to solve the issues I mentioned. Though maybe I wouldn't do it anyway, because that's your job .

Anyway, "I'll explain it later" works well to answer my questions .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

AthenrilTheThief In reply to uxv [2013-01-27 16:19:06 +0000 UTC]

Hmm... I don't know... I mean, why would anyone comment something nice on a random piece of writing without bothering to read it? Or even why would anyone comment at all then?

Ah now, why would you think of yourself solving them? Sure, you can leave me suggestions but it's not really necessary that you fix them because, as you said and it's absolutely right, it is my job to have a solution to all the problems.

Heehee, I feel somewhat ashamed for the 'I'll explain it later' attitude but the answers will be in the story, so if I'll make it all clear now, I will just deduct from the plot then. And we don't want that.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

uxv In reply to AthenrilTheThief [2013-01-27 16:48:33 +0000 UTC]

Perhaps just to get their name into your comments area, to make their account more visible? Or hoping you would comment/fave one of their artworks, to make them seem more important ? I'm not saying you or I would do such a thing, or even that I've seen it happen here, but it's possible, don't you think so?

Because I'm used to give constructive criticism in a way that not only points out problems, but also suggests possible ways to fix them. And here I only did the former.
But yes, while I'd like to discuss your story, it's not appropriate for me to enter your creative process. But it's a thin line to walk and sometimes I might overstep it .

Like I said, I think explaining later is a valid reply and yes we don't want to ruin the plot . Perhaps from this point of view, it would be better for me to wait with my comments until your story is finished. On the other hand, I'd hope you enjoy discussing it even while writing .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

AthenrilTheThief In reply to uxv [2013-01-27 17:50:55 +0000 UTC]

Yes, I consider it quite possible. I may have seen it here before but then I saw previous comments on the piece, which were quite constructive and well, I think that the people who unfortunately got to comment later just agreed with these but haven't got anything to add from themselves while everything else seemed all right (aaand they felt the urge to leave some sort of opinion to praise the piece of writing ).

Don't worry about it. If you overstep this delicate line, it's no big deal really, since I'm not a professional (or a novelist in this case), in fact I'm in the beginner area , I'd definitely use some guidelines.

Don't wait with the comments! It's good to have someone with a clear mind to drag me away from the story and show me how does it sound to them and point out the parts I should think over. Also, like I mentioned before, I don't mind the suggestions, I find them really helpful. It makes me consider some parts I may have missed while typing it all out. I may not use all the advice wherever it's mentioned but it will help me focus on certain areas in the following chapters.

And yes of course, I do indeed enjoy discussing these while still writing.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

uxv In reply to AthenrilTheThief [2013-01-28 15:53:15 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the reassurance about it not being a big deal. I'll do my best to not abuse your trust .

Glad to know you enjoy such discussions. I think you can expect more in the future .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

AthenrilTheThief In reply to uxv [2013-01-28 16:29:15 +0000 UTC]

You're far from abusing my trust, but your care is quite welcome here.

I believe I'll look forward to them.

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