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Jasper only smiled. “It’s a circular argument, little brother.” He closed his eyes and I found a feeling of calmness wash over me.

“I don’t have the…control as you do, Edward. I’m still not sure why you chose a human. But-“ he paused, collecting his thoughts. “If you’re right, if we are damned,” he shook his head at the thought, “then having someone who loves you-for all eternity-redeems you.”

He placed his hand on my shoulder, then left me with my thoughts.

I felt restless. Emmett and I would be leaving soon, so I couldn’t leave the house. Otherwise I would run-I would go to the meadow and think.

I looked over at my piano-aye, there’s the rub, I quoted to myself.

I started to play, letting my mind close itself, not letting myself think for a change. I didn’t realize what I was playing, it didn’t matter, all that mattered was the fact my mind was slowly becoming clearer.

I drew the last note out, wanting the depth that could only come from the vibration of the chord in stunned silence air.

I felt Esme’s presence. She had come behind me, listening to the music.

“Edward. That was beautiful. Haven’t you played it before?”

I frowned. “No, I don’t think so.”

She smiled. “Yes, you have.”

She sat next to me on the bench. “You were thinking about Bella when you were playing, weren’t you?”

I realized that I had been-the she had completely permeated my thought processes. Even when I wasn’t thinking, I was thinking about her.

“It’s ok, you know. Alice tells me you love her.”

“I’m not-“

“Oh, stop it Edward. It didn’t work with Jasper, why do you think it’s going to work with me?”

“I can’t be with her, Esme.”

Esme frowned. “It’s complicated, I know. But if two people are truly meant to be together, they should be.”

She kissed my forehead. “It will work out, Edward.”

Emmett came down the stairs, grinning widely. “Are you ready, little brother?” he asked excitedly.

“Yes,” I said simply, getting up from the piano bench.

We ran, where we were going, people didn’t go camping. It felt nice to run, to let myself go in a physical sense, to feel the wind in my face and in my hair.

Though Emmett was excited about hunting, he was thinking about Rosalie and their time together.

“Would you stop thinking about that?” I asked him irritably.

“Jeez, Edward. It’s not like I can help it. Get out of my head if you don’t like it.”

“It’s a bit hard when your thoughts are screaming themselves in my head!”

Emmett just shrugged and grinned. “We’re almost there. Maybe hunting will get you in a better mood.”

“So why do you watch the human sleep?” Emmett asked curiously after a while.

“Bella,” I said automatically. It bothered me more than it should that Emmett called her ‘the human’. She was a person, she wasn’t a food source, no matter how much I craved her.

She had a life, an existence.

“What?” Emmett said, confused.

“Her name is Bella. Don’t call her ‘the human’.”

“That’s what Rose always calls her,” Emmett said simply, as if that explained everything.

“Rosalie shouldn’t. Rosalie knows better,” I growled.

“Edward, c’mon, don’t be like that. You know she doesn’t mean any harm. She’s just scared. You’re way too harsh on her.”

“Rosalie needs to remember that she chose a human too.”

“But I was going to die. That bear-and if Rosalie hadn’t come…” Emmett trailed off. The thought genuinely appalled him-not knowing Rosalie.

“She’ll come around,” he assured me. “Now, don’t go beating around my question. Why do you watch her sleep?”

Emmett tended to answer his own questions, be the answers right or not. His thoughts immediately turned lascivious.

“She doesn’t sleep naked, does she?”

“What? No!”

“Then what’s so darn fascinating about watching a human sleep?”

I didn’t want to tell him the truth-that she said my name and every time she did so warmth washed over me. That I hung on her every word, relishing the sound of her breath and her heart. That she would be restless and stir her hair, causing her magical scent to envelope me.

“You don’t, you know-enjoy it more than you should, as you would put it?” Emmett said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Emmett, for God’s sake, get your mind out of the damn gutter!”

“Stop being so touchy! Jeez, didn’t mean nothing by it-just saying-here I was, trying to be nice by putting it nicely and you go and snap at me.”

His thoughts were hitting too close to home-in not the sense he meant, of course, but rather…

Watching Bella while she slept was easily the most sensuous of experiences I had had in my life.

Using the term life loosely, of course.

Our conversation came at an abrupt end-Emmett had caught the scent of his prey-a bear that would give him a challenge.

I preferred to hunt alone. I didn’t mind going with my family, but once we started to hunt I preferred to make it a solitary activity, allowing me to solely concentrate on my prey.

I turned my mind off, concentrating on the scent of the grizzly, the warmth it offered, the nourishment I needed.

I came upon it, circling it, confusing it with my speed, slowly crouching in preparation for the attack.

It swatted, barely missing me. I lunged, biting it in the jugular, making sure to kill it quickly. While Emmett preferred to play with his food, I preferred a mercy kill, drinking the blood quickly so as not to lose its warmth.

I felt it fill me, the taste of it good quality, if not as amazing as I imagined Bella’s blood to be.

I suddenly became aware of what a sheer monster I truly was. Even when hunting, I thought of her, craved her. I was sustaining the monster, allowing the civilized portion of me to wrestle control away from it, only to have it fight back in the only way it could effectively do so.

I became sickened as I drank, wishing to stop, knowing I couldn’t if I wanted to see her.

I acknowledged the monster’s victory in this metaphorical battle.

But it would not win the war.

Description
Jasper only smiled. “It’s a circular argument, little brother.” He closed his eyes and I found a feeling of calmness wash over me.

“I don’t have the…control as you do, Edward. I’m still not sure why you chose a human. But-“ he paused, collecting his thoughts. “If you’re right, if we are damned,” he shook his head at the thought, “then having someone who loves you-for all eternity-redeems you.”

He placed his hand on my shoulder, then left me with my thoughts.

I felt restless. Emmett and I would be leaving soon, so I couldn’t leave the house. Otherwise I would run-I would go to the meadow and think.

I looked over at my piano-aye, there’s the rub, I quoted to myself.

I started to play, letting my mind close itself, not letting myself think for a change. I didn’t realize what I was playing, it didn’t matter, all that mattered was the fact my mind was slowly becoming clearer.

I drew the last note out, wanting the depth that could only come from the vibration of the chord in stunned silence air.

I felt Esme’s presence. She had come behind me, listening to the music.

“Edward. That was beautiful. Haven’t you played it before?”

I frowned. “No, I don’t think so.”

She smiled. “Yes, you have.”

She sat next to me on the bench. “You were thinking about Bella when you were playing, weren’t you?”

I realized that I had been-the she had completely permeated my thought processes. Even when I wasn’t thinking, I was thinking about her.

“It’s ok, you know. Alice tells me you love her.”

“I’m not-“

“Oh, stop it Edward. It didn’t work with Jasper, why do you think it’s going to work with me?”

“I can’t be with her, Esme.”

Esme frowned. “It’s complicated, I know. But if two people are truly meant to be together, they should be.”

She kissed my forehead. “It will work out, Edward.”

Emmett came down the stairs, grinning widely. “Are you ready, little brother?” he asked excitedly.

“Yes,” I said simply, getting up from the piano bench.

We ran, where we were going, people didn’t go camping. It felt nice to run, to let myself go in a physical sense, to feel the wind in my face and in my hair.

Though Emmett was excited about hunting, he was thinking about Rosalie and their time together.

“Would you stop thinking about that?” I asked him irritably.

“Jeez, Edward. It’s not like I can help it. Get out of my head if you don’t like it.”

“It’s a bit hard when your thoughts are screaming themselves in my head!”

Emmett just shrugged and grinned. “We’re almost there. Maybe hunting will get you in a better mood.”

“So why do you watch the human sleep?” Emmett asked curiously after a while.

“Bella,” I said automatically. It bothered me more than it should that Emmett called her ‘the human’. She was a person, she wasn’t a food source, no matter how much I craved her.

She had a life, an existence.

“What?” Emmett said, confused.

“Her name is Bella. Don’t call her ‘the human’.”

“That’s what Rose always calls her,” Emmett said simply, as if that explained everything.

“Rosalie shouldn’t. Rosalie knows better,” I growled.

“Edward, c’mon, don’t be like that. You know she doesn’t mean any harm. She’s just scared. You’re way too harsh on her.”

“Rosalie needs to remember that she chose a human too.”

“But I was going to die. That bear-and if Rosalie hadn’t come…” Emmett trailed off. The thought genuinely appalled him-not knowing Rosalie.

“She’ll come around,” he assured me. “Now, don’t go beating around my question. Why do you watch her sleep?”

Emmett tended to answer his own questions, be the answers right or not. His thoughts immediately turned lascivious.

“She doesn’t sleep naked, does she?”

“What? No!”

“Then what’s so darn fascinating about watching a human sleep?”

I didn’t want to tell him the truth-that she said my name and every time she did so warmth washed over me. That I hung on her every word, relishing the sound of her breath and her heart. That she would be restless and stir her hair, causing her magical scent to envelope me.

“You don’t, you know-enjoy it more than you should, as you would put it?” Emmett said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Emmett, for God’s sake, get your mind out of the damn gutter!”

“Stop being so touchy! Jeez, didn’t mean nothing by it-just saying-here I was, trying to be nice by putting it nicely and you go and snap at me.”

His thoughts were hitting too close to home-in not the sense he meant, of course, but rather…

Watching Bella while she slept was easily the most sensuous of experiences I had had in my life.

Using the term life loosely, of course.

Our conversation came at an abrupt end-Emmett had caught the scent of his prey-a bear that would give him a challenge.

I preferred to hunt alone. I didn’t mind going with my family, but once we started to hunt I preferred to make it a solitary activity, allowing me to solely concentrate on my prey.

I turned my mind off, concentrating on the scent of the grizzly, the warmth it offered, the nourishment I needed.

I came upon it, circling it, confusing it with my speed, slowly crouching in preparation for the attack.

It swatted, barely missing me. I lunged, biting it in the jugular, making sure to kill it quickly. While Emmett preferred to play with his food, I preferred a mercy kill, drinking the blood quickly so as not to lose its warmth.

I felt it fill me, the taste of it good quality, if not as amazing as I imagined Bella’s blood to be.

I suddenly became aware of what a sheer monster I truly was. Even when hunting, I thought of her, craved her. I was sustaining the monster, allowing the civilized portion of me to wrestle control away from it, only to have it fight back in the only way it could effectively do so.

I became sickened as I drank, wishing to stop, knowing I couldn’t if I wanted to see her.

I acknowledged the monster’s victory in this metaphorical battle.

But it would not win the war.