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CarmineKanzer — Soulseer and Nightfangs
#angel #babies #carmina #homestuck #kyle #raising #vampire #karkat #vantas #leijon #kankri
Published: 2016-05-18 03:13:32 +0000 UTC; Views: 882; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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October 2011“For today's exercise, you will work in pairs.”
The students in the room started to chatter, turning to their neighbors and happily deciding which of their friends they'll work with. Ms Peixes, French teacher at Skaiacademy, walked between the tables to give exercise sheets and nicely telling squads of three they had to work in pairs for the dialogue, although she agreed to let them do as they pleased after some supplications. In a matter of minutes, the tenth graders were practicing the dialogue, talking about school titbits in an awkward imitation of French accent. They were all talking, except one of the boys in the back, whom Ms Peixes approached.
“Kyle.”, she said. “Why aren't you working?”
The rust-haired boy looked at her, worried he had done something bad.
“I...there's no one.”, he stuttered. “We're an odd number.”
The teacher looked around the room, glancing at the groups of students.
“Is anyone else without a work partner?”, she asked. “Or maybe a group of two, who'd have some room?”
The other students seemed uneasy, suddenly looking very focused on their work. Kyle sighed; no one would have wanted to pair with him, anyway. Nobody in this class liked him much.
“Carmina's alone.”, the teacher noticed. “You can work with her.”
At the mention of her name, the girl in the third row of seats raised her head, and looked at the teacher, then at Kyle, who felt the weight of her stare somewhat heavy. But he hadn't much choice; he took his pencil case and binder, and sat next to his new partner.
He had noticed her sometimes, but never really seen her. From what he knew, she was an average high-schooler, who never raised her hand in class but never dropped too low either. She moved her stuff aside to let Kyle put down his', and looked at the exercise sheet.
“So.”, she said. “We're supposed to practice this text orally and answer the questions below.”
She was speaking calmly, in a low voice that made Kyle wonder how anyone could even hear her.
“I'll play Martin. You'll be Aurélie.”
“Erm...alright.”
They worked their text with attention. Carmina had a relatively good French accent, while Kyle was still sputtering on some words, especially those with nasal consonants. At least this never changed, no matter what life he was in.
But they were doing good.
“What does 'papillon' mean?”, Kyle asked.
“Butterfly. She's talking about the shape of her necklace.”
“Oh, right.”
Kyle took down a couple of notes to answer the questions. While Carmina was writing, he looked at her a little more.
She wasn't very pretty, but wasn't ugly either. Her ginger hair was messy, somewhat finger-combed, and her nails were chewed on. She had a shiny pendant around her neck, and her handwriting was nice and fluid. Tons of little sentences ornamented the corners of her notebook, many being about time, death, love or hope. There were also lots of tiny scribbles, of crabs and cats of all sorts. She was someone poetic, with some talent.
And most important, she didn't push him away, even though he was known as a freak.
There had to be a reason.
“So...would you have time, after school?”, Kyle hesitated, without knowing why.
She looked at him funny.
“Is there an understatement?”
“No, nothing...but...just wondering if you could help me with some math homework. I'll help you with whatever you want in return.”
Carmina blinked, then returned to her exercises. Kyle mentally called himself a moron for wasting his chance to finally make a friend, when he heard her answer.
“In the library at 5pm. Hope you know about History.”
“I'll be there.”
~~~~~
January 2012
“Can I sit there?”
Kyle rose his head, chewing on his sandwich. Standing next to him was Carmina, lunch tray in her hands and uneasy look on her face.
“Er...sure.”
Kyle moved aside, letting her sit down.
“Thanks. They wouldn't let me any room back there.”
She looked in the direction of other girls, who had apparently taken all the places at their table on purpose.
“They shouldn't.”, Kyle said. “Who do they think they are?”
“They're right.”, she replied, distractedly nibbling from a chicken nugget. “Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend, anyway.”
She didn't spoke these words in a sad manner of any sorts, but simply admitted it as a fact. Kyle didn't know what to say.
For the past months, they have mostly talked to each other as work partners, having too many different classes. Despite the fact they were in good terms, they never really became friends, for a simple reason.
“They all think I'm a freak.”, she sighed. “And soon you'll think that too.”
“That's not true...”
“They're all afraid of me. They think I'm some kind of witch. But truth is, I'm a soulseer. Not a witch.”
A soulseer. One who sees ghosts. So, they were real? Carmina would often talk about paranormal things, with some kind of excitement in her eyes, but then tell him to forget it and focus on their work. Was she that afraid of rejection? He didn't know, but still he answered her.
“You're not the only one.”
She looked at him. Again, her black eyes were sort of creepy, but he didn't mind. Or at least tried no to.
“I mean...”, he stuttered. “I can't see ghosts. But I'm weird. Everyone thinks that about me.”
She glared at him.
“Stop making fun of me.”
“I'm not! Look...”
He needed to show her. He pulled his bag from under the table, and took out a small leather notebook, which he showed her.
It was filled with drawings of trolls. Carmina chuckled.
“Come on...don't tell me you're one of those guys who believe in trolls.”
“Trolls are real. And the most famous of them was a vampire!”
He showed her a series of portraits, representing a humble yet terrifying troll in a servant's garb. She wore a surprised face.
“And...”, he continued, “...and he was the servant of King John II of Prospit, who tricked him into becoming his vampiristic servant!”
“What are you saying?”
“And he could turn into a cat!”
She appeared shocked, but in an amused way. Kyle could easily tell she was on the edge of laughing.
“And you wanna know the big news?”
He took an interesting tone, gesturing to her to come closer, before whispering into her ear.
“I actually am his reincarnation.”
Carmina spurted out laughing, and Kyle couldn't help but laugh with her.
They had more in common than they thought, and that was a good start.
~~~~~
April 2012
“Do you think there's a life after death?”, Mina asked.
“I wish. I'd really want to know more about my parents.”, Kyle replied, watching clouds go by.
“I know it's hard.”
It was a warm afternoon, after school. Some children were playing nearby, as the two teenagers were lying in the flowery grass, under the shadow of an oak tree.
“I guess you miss your dad, right?”, Kyle asked.
“I've never met him. He died before I was born. He had saved my mother.”
“I'd want to save you someday.”
“And I'd do the same.”
Their hands touched, their fingers entwined. Under spring's high sun, which warmed up their bodies, he rested his head on her shoulder, as she ran a hand through his hair, petting his almost-invisible nubs.
“You don't need to die for me, vampire boy.”, she smiled.
Then, some seconds later, she added:
“What is it like?”
“Dying?”
“Yeah. Does it hurt?”
Hesitantly, Kyle closed his eyes and tried to remember. He could recall as much fragments of his past life as what happened before his 'awakening' in this new life: not much, but enough.
“The way I did, it hurts. But then, it goes away. Everything is dark, and you don't feel anything...”
“That sounds scary.”
“Yeah...it is. But then, it…. I don't really know, but on the moment, I have felt...appeased.”
Mina seemed worried.
“Do you think they suffer?”
“They don't. They have suffered enough in their lives. They don't need to be any more hurt.”
He put his other hand on her face, cupping her cheek.
“I'm sure our parents are happy, wherever they are.”
“Yeah.”
She held him a little closer.
“They'd be proud.”
~~~~~
August 2013
He dampened the cotton ball with more cold water, and softly rubbed it on her bruised eye.
“You didn't have to defend me.”, he said in a low voice.
“I wanted to. Those guys should know better than to bully you.”
She still had that triumphant smile on, although her lip was cut. She had taken some fists in the face, but she was still proud of herself. Her band-aids and messy hair would have seemed part of her usual appearance.
“Nobody tells me what to do.”, she affirmed proudly. “And if I want to help you, I'll do so.”
Kyle couldn't help but smile. Gently, he kissed at her bleeding lip, and she giggled.
“Guess it's a family thing.”, she sighed, resting her head on Kyle's shoulder. “Rushing into the fight, get our butts kicked...”
“Oh, come on, Mina. You butt is too sacred to be kicked.”
She chuckled, shoving him away.
“You sap.”
He grinned, and pulled himself closer.
“But that's true.”
“Stop kidding...”
She playfully pushed him away, only to drag him closer a second later. Their lips touched again, and they shared a cheerful kiss.
“Your butt is still sacred to me.”, he whispered into her ear.
He ran a hand over the small of her back.
“Pretty much like the rest of your person.”
She draped her arms around him.
“Oh, come on...”
Still, she was smiling.
~~~~~
May 2014
“I knew you could do it.”
She was nearly choking him, seeing the force she was hugging him with. But still, Carmina was proud of him, of how he had managed to graduate.
“I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. You...you can't imagine.”
“It's all thanks to you.”
They kissed, once again, both proud to finally be free of the burden of high school.
“I can't wait for college.”, Carmina said with hope. “Maybe they'll accept us both?”
“Did you apply at Beforian Arts, too?”
“Sure! No doubt they'll take in both of us. We're talented. And if they don't, well...there's still Sburb University, in Seattle. They have a good program too.”
Kyle kissed her again, eager to finally step into the adult world.
“It's gonna be wonderful. I...I just can't wait. It's gonna be great.”
Their hands interwined.
“It's all gonna be great.”
~~~~~
July 2014
“I'm pregnant.”
Those words were short and easy to speak out. But they represented the end of a dream.
Carmina's mother wouldn't let her daughter out in the real world with a child to raise. Even though she would be 19 in December, she would certainly not fly off to the other side of the country in her current state. Supplications and long pleas to Natalia Leijon didn't help: Carmina was to stay in Altownia, hich meant she could forget about college.
She told it to Kyle with soaked eyes. She didn't blame him in anything: they were both at fault.
“Did you try and get an abortion?”, Kyle asked.
“Mom would never let me. I know I can do it without her consent, but I'm afraid of what she'll do to me. She doesn't...believe in abortion.”
Kyle was feeling really bad. He couldn't help but feel guilty about her. Because of him, she wouldn't be able to follow her dream career. She could have become a famous screenwriter, as she had wanted since high school; but this child might compromise it all. It might put all of her life at risk, and waste all of her efforts.
“I'll help you.”
She looked at him.
“I'll help you.”, he repeated. “College doesn't matter. I'll help you with...it.”
“Don't do this. You've already paid so much for your tuition. Don't waste your future.”
He took her hands in his'.
“You are my future.”
“What will your guardian say?”
“He'll still have his son to be proud of. What I care about is your safety.”
He held her in his arms.
“I'm ready to throw it all away if it meant staying with you.”
She stayed silent for a long moment. Then, she smiled slightly.
“You're crazy.”
She nested inside his arms.
“We'll make this work.”
~~~~~
January 2015
“Please, stop crying...”
She tried to adjust the baby's position in her arms, awkwardly putting its face against her breast, trying to get it to suck and get quiet for once.
In a corner of their bedroom, Kyle was trying to make a phone call, as away from possible from Kankri's unceased cries.
“Look, I know I have said things, but you could still try and help me! Do you think this is a game to me?”
He closed his jacket all the way up. This damn room was so cold…
“Listen. I have a girlfriend and a newborn, and I have to look for a second job to pay the bills! Do you think this is funny? I only need- hey, wait, where are you going?”
He hung up abruptly, and sighed in despair.
“Even John won't help me. Look like we'll have to stick it to that.”
She whined in a mix of anger, frustration and sadness, while almost forcing her nipple into Kankri's screaming mouth.
This cramped room was the cheapest they had found. The heaters wouldn't work as water pipes were froststruck with the arrival of winter, the common sanitaries were either dirty or out of service most of the time, and paper-thin walls had them already scolded several times by neighbors not-so-pleased by the ever-lasting wails of a child one month old. They had no other options: Kyle's tuition debt was looming over them like poisoned bats, unseen but ready to bite; Carmina's mother couldn't tolerate the very presence of the guy who made her only daughter pregnant; and Kyle's job at his guardian's joke shop would only make so much. The time when they would have to end up in the streets was coming closer every day.
“I can't take this anymore...”, Carmina cried out. “I just can't!”
Kyle walked to her, readjusting the wafer-thin blanket on her shoulders, wrapping his arms around her.
“Please...don't give up. Don't give up yet.”
“Why bother? We can't live like this. Kankri can't live like this. Do you really see us raising a child in such a place?”
Kyle didn't say anything, but let her rest her head on his shoulder.
“I don't want to spend my life there...”
“It's only a phase, my love. We'll find a way to get out of here.”
He kissed her on the cheek, trying to convey by this gesture all the love and care he had for her.
“We'll give our child a future. We'll make him proud of us, and we'll be proud of him.”
In the meantime, Kankri had managed to get a hold of his mother's teat, finally falling quiet after what had seemed like an hour of non-stop cries. Carmina sighed of relief, brushing a couple red hairs from the baby's forehead.
“I hope so...”
~~~~~
December 2015
Sitting on his father's lap, Kankri was trying to turn the thick cardboard page by himself, as Kyle read aloud the words to him, comically grumbling when the child was skipping pages on purpose, which usually resulted in bubbly giggles.
Kankri had much energy, and was quite coordinate for his age, but yet wasn't very bright. He could toddle just fine and already drink from the bottle by himself, but wasn't gifted in speech. Natalia had said that “those things take time”, and that each baby had their own rhythm.
Carmina's mother had slowly started to accept her daughter's pregnancy and motherhood over the course of the last months. She was one of those parents who couldn't stay with a baby of their own blood without getting into instinct-driven parental care. It only took some of Kankri's teeth-growing smiles and blabbered words for her to forgive, as well as lots of patience. She had needed much more time to accept Kyle into her house, let alone her family, but Kankri just wouldn't stay without his father for long. So Natalia had somewhat reluctantly accepted to help out their couple, especially when she had seen in what conditions Carmina was raising her child. Outraged and shocked, she had immediately lent them enough of her own savings to find a decent place to live, telling Kyle that he could repay her later.
Their new apartment wasn't much, but it was enough. A suburb flat with two bedrooms, not too far from an elementary school. At least they had a kitchen and a small bathroom. Both parents had low-rank jobs, which were much needed: with no diplomas or experience, they wouldn't find anything suitable soon. They often had to go through charity organizations to get clothes for their ever-growing child, and more than once have found their cupboards empty of any food; but at least they had a decent roof, and their relationship was still somewhat stable. Of course they did argue, even over the slightest things, and they have even fought sometimes; but it always ended up in apologies and forgiveness. They couldn't afford to lose the only things money couldn't buy.
Even if they had issues, they would give their child a loving home.
“You're doing great, lil' shrimp.”, Kyle cheered as Kankri was turning the small book's pages. “Soon enough you'll read it all by yourself.”
In their bedroom, Carmina was sleeping, still tired from her night shift. Yet in two hours she'd have to get up and let a friend drive her to her other job. Kyle knew how hard it was for her, as he had gone through a similar schedule last year, trying to repay his college debt.
When that point is cleared, he will save up some more. He'll take another job if needed. But he'll get the money needed to buy that one engagement ring he has spotted.
Even though they had a child approaching his first birthday and had shared a home for years, they weren't married. They had other concerns at the time, and soon have forgotten about it. But Kyle was determined. He wanted to give her a real wedding, as much as their funds could allow. He wanted to feel the pride of being the husband of a woman that great, that kind, that strong.
Anything that could bring them closer.
~~~~~
October 2016
Sometimes, Carmina would see ghosts.
Her baby sleeping soundly in her arms, she started to wonder about her life, her ability. Since her pregnancy with Kankri, her power had somewhat diminished. Maybe the fact she had borne life had counterbalanced the influence of death within her? She didn't know. Her mother didn't know anything useful either about her ability.
She had tried to meet other soulseers. The few she had heard about and talked with have confirmed her doubts: life and death exist as an equilibrium within each individual. Everyone is mortal, but everyone has the potential to create life. Carmina's life could never have been possible if her father hadn't sacrificed himself to let her mother survive, and give birth to their daughter. This strong relationship between life and death was the reason of Carmina's very existence, and the reason behind her power as a soulseer.
For all of her life she had seen ghosts. Since she was little, she has assumed everyone could, and had talked about is as something normal. Only years later did she understand this wasn't the case; but by the time she had realized this, everyone was already seeing her as a freak.
She wasn't afraid of ghosts, for ghosts weren't that scary in the first place. They were just hovering around, following people they knew. They never intervened, and watched from a distance the lives of their children, partners, parents. Sometimes they would smile, sometimes they would frown and shake their heads in disagreement. There were times where ghosts would laugh with their loved ones, or share their joy when something good happened. And sometimes, they would try to contact their family, to tell them they were still here, watching over them. Sometimes they would try to convey a last message before going, but the living couldn't see or hear them.
And then, they would see the little girl, who would have been staring at them for too much for it to be a coincidence. They would ask her if she could hear them, and she would nod. Some were relieved, some had thrown fits of joy, and some were worried.
They would ask her to give messages to their family. Carmina, so young at the time, didn't see the harm in it. She would go to her friends and convey what their dead relatives have wanted to tell them. She would approach complete strangers and bluntly tell them about their lost loved ones' last requests. Most people didn't believe her at first; but when they saw she was right, their unguillible faces would become weary, then outright afraid.
She had done this for years. She had never seen any harm in it.
Sometimes, her mother would sit with her, on a calm day, and ask her if she knew what her father was doing. Carmina would concentrate, looking around, and spot the familiar silhouette in a corner of the room. It couldn't stay for long, but it would never go without telling Carmina and her mother how much he loved both of them. Sometimes, Natalia would feel him too, and cry. When asked about it, she would say these were tears of happiness. And Carmina would believe her.
She has seen Kyle's parents. They were never far from their son. But unlike Natalia, Kyle couldn't feel anything, not even the slightest gust of wind or ghostly whisper next to his ears. He had taken a long time before believing her; she would tell him all the words his fathers wanted to tell him. They were proud of him, proud of his determination and courage through hardships. They would have loved to meet their grandson, and to get to further know his companion. They would have helped out their new family with a great pleasure.
Kyle would cry, too. But unlike Natalia's, his tears were tears of sadness. Mourning. Loss.
He missed his parents, missed growing in a home where he would have been accepted, and known more about his troll heritage. But he was relieved that, after all these years, they were still with him.
Carmina had never lost anyone. She had never known her father. She hadn't any cousins or relatives. She could see the ghosts of others, but hadn't any ghosts to mourn for herself. She always thought it was for the better: she could see ghosts for people who couldn't, and help them without her own spirits getting in the way. She was happy with it, and wouldn't want to change that.
Her child hadn't moved for hours now. Carmina smiled, stroking its pale skin, bringing its tiny body closer to her. For hours she had wanted to cry, or to say anything, but her tears seemed to have dried up. It was for the better.
She tried to get the baby to hold onto her fingers with its wee hands. But as wee as they were, they weren't complete. The fingers were nothing but very tiny, unformed nubs mounted on a skinny arm. Carmina gently poked the baby's face, to get it to wake up; but it didn't budge. She wasn't even sure whether its eyelids were separate yet. There was so much she didn't know about this baby, about her own child. A child so small, so pale, so fragile. Way too fragile.
Kyle entered the room, trying not to disturb her. She was still in the same position, sitting on their bed, cradling her baby. She was smiling, but it wasn't a happy smile. After all, if people could shed tears of happiness, they could smile out of sadness.
Kyle didn't say anything, and sat next to her, silently. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he tried to look at their newborn's face. But as he quickly realized it, it was impossible for him. All there was in her arms was empty space, which his wife was fondling with greatest care. He could have thought she had gone crazy, but he knew his wife more than anyone.
He knew that sometimes, Carmina would see ghosts.
~~~~~
February 2017
Kyle fell on the couch, exhausted after another rough day of hard labor. In his pocket, a handful of dollars, product of another week of working at this damned factory in the outskirts of town. He had burned himself more than once and almost died, all of this for minimum wage. And yet, he doubted it would suffice to cover this month's bills.
Kankri walked to him, his kitten plush in hand, and Kyle took him in his arms despite his exhaustion. Seeing his son well and healthy was a relief, and the proof his efforts weren't in vain. Kankri's happiness and well-being was something he had to preserve, no matter the cost.
“Is your mom still angry at me, little crab?”, Kyle asked in a sleepy voice.
“Ma…?”
Aged already two, Kankri was very agile, but not really bright. He could walk just fine, sometimes even run, and handle toys without dropping them; however, although he had a good vocabulary, he couldn't form sentences very well.
But Kyle was patient. He knew things often take time. Even though Carmina thought there was something wrong with him, according to the few she knew about parenthood, Kyle never gave up hope. His child needed time, and he would have it.
Kyle put Kankri down on the couch, and counted the money in his pocket. There were about a hundred and fifty bucks, product of a week's worth of labor. He took twenty dollars off the batch, and hid this amount in an old CD case, which he put back in such a way Carmina wouldn't find it.
He needed to cut away some of their survival money, but Kyle had a reason. In various caches around the house, he had managed to conceal about 2,000 dollars. If Carmina were to find out about this, she'd certainly kill him more than she already wanted to. But Kyle had a reason, and a very good one.
Maybe that way, they could save their failing couple.
~~~~~
September 2017
“Why did you bring me here, again?”, she whined. “I'm going to be late.”
“It can wait a moment.”
Of course, the fact they didn't have a car was turning their promenade into a hike across town, but Kyle was determined. He absolutely needed to show her that one place, granted they'd make it before nightfall.
“Are you sure Kanya known what she's doing?”
“She had a good experience with children, and has accepted to watch over Kankri while we were out. You don't have to worry.”
She had tried not to show her doubts as he was leading her across town, hand in hand. She didn't know where they were going; but she trusted him. Eventually, after an hour of walk or so, they had arrived.
The view was the first thing she noticed.
“Oh my...”
From their high spot, they had a splendid view of Altownia's lower part, of the coast and the harbor, of the hills in the background, and of the canola fields which looked like yellow spots in this sea of green and orange. Towers and houses were so tiny, seen from this vantage point, leaving Carmina with an impression of grandeur and height that stunned her.
Sun has started to set over town, painting the falling leaves an even deeper shade of orange. Streaks of pink and red were painting the sky like watercolor on a canvas, only flown across by stray birds. Wind was bringing in a somewhat salted smell from the sea coast, a scent that reminded the both of them of home. Their home.
“It's...beautiful.”, she said.
She held his hand tenderly, as they sat in the grass, looking towards sunset. He rested his head on her shoulder, and she petted his hornlets, as they'd do in the past.
For a long moment, they stayed like this, without saying anything. They didn't feel the need to, but they also had nothing to say. Things have been pretty tricky between them over the last months, and even though they had to stay united, they couldn't honestly talk about their feelings. There was some kind of barrier between them, one that love and promises couldn't overcome.
But Kyle was still determined.
“Mina?”
She looked at him, questioning.
“I've got something to show you.”, Kyle said.
“What more could you show me?”
“Close your eyes.”
She glared at him weirdly, but shrugged and complied.
“Wonder what it could be.”, she commented.
She heard him shuffle a bit. She was kinda worried, true, but she wanted to see what he had in store. Knowing him, it might be something cute, but Carmina had some doubts about this. Kyle was simply unpredictable. After a handful of seconds, the shuffling ceased.
“You can look.”
Carmina opened her eyes, took a second to realize what was going on, then gasped in admiration.
Kyle was kneeling in front of her, holding out a shiny silver ring in his hands.
“Kyle...”, Carmina muttered. “Why...why did you...”
“I had to.”
He looked at the night sky, dreamfully, then at her.
“You and I have become so close. But then, life decided to make us pay for our happiness. We've had a life of hardships and difficulties, and it had drawn us away from each other.”
He sighed, somewhat regretful.
“But we can make up for it. We can try and stay strong. We already have the most wonderful child in the world, and our life has started to get better...so I want us to stay as united as on the first day.”
He smiled, stuttering a little on his next words.
“That's why...why I ask you today: Carmina Leijon, will you...marry me?”
She didn't react, at first. He turned his head away, fearing he might have hurt her. But then, Carmina took his hands in hers.
“I will.”
On that moment, Kyle smiled so wide, it felt as if his whole face was on the verge of being ripped off. To save him that pain, Carmina kissed him with all of her might, as he was putting the ring on her finger. When their faces drifted apart, some seconds later, they were both smiling.
“I know we might not be on the best of terms.”, she said. “But I want us to be happy. I want Kankri to know he's loved, and that none of his parents will leave him.”
“I'll do my best to make this happen.”
They kissed again, as the moon was rising, bathing them in its light.
~~~~~
June 2018
Kankri was often weirdly glaring at the tiny baby, sleeping in a crib which once belonged to him. There were some feelings in his head which he didn't understand, and which made him even more confused. He never had any siblings before, or played with other kids, and thus never learned about the concept of jealousy.
But now, this tiny wriggler in red pajamas (that once belonged to him, too!) was taking up all the space in their shared crib. Mama said it would be so until they've bought a new bed for him, and then he'd have all the space he wanted for himself.
Mama wasn't there for him anymore. She was spending all of her time with the baby. She was taking him in her arms, saying nice words to him, giving him milk and leaving Kankri all alone. When Kankri needed her hep, she would be feeding this baby he never wanted to know, and would never have time for him anymore.
Daddy knew what Kankri's feelings were. When Mama was with the wriggler, he'd take Kankri in his arms and play with him. Kankri wanted to impress his dad, showing him all the nice drawings he had done, mostly wiggly stick figures and shaky houses. Daddy would smile, commenting on how skilled he was, and sometimes they'd take crayons and draw together, in a big notebook made for this sole purpose.
Daddy tried to explain to Kankri. He told him that his Mama needed to take care of his little brother, because he was fragile and couldn't do anything by himself, just like Kankri was when he was little. That didn't mean she had stopped to love him altogether: simply, Karkat was a little baby and needed care, while Kankri was already three years and a half, and could already do things by himself. He could eat from his plate without help, while the baby couldn't and had to be fed. Because the baby couldn't talk, Mama had to stay with him and care for him, but that didn't mean she would stop caring for Kankri too.
Kankri tried to tell himself this was normal; but still, there was this feeling inside of him that would hurt, when he was seeing Daddy and Mama around the baby, all smiling and making nice faces. He wondered what was so special about this ugly red potato with no hair or teeth. He wondered what his parents could find “cute” with it.
He couldn't help but feel replaced, rejected, even if Daddy told him this wasn't true. He had seen Mama's tummy get bigger and bigger over the past months, and he was told he would have a little sibling; but he didn't expect it to be so quick. Because they didn't have another bed, the baby was put in Kankri's crib, sharing this space with him and waking him up every night. To make it easier for him, Karkat was often sleeping with Mama and Daddy, but Kankri still had to share his living space and his parents with this parasite.
One time, to ease this bad feeling, he had pinched the baby's arm with his nails, very hard. He had started to cry, and Mama immediately came, angrily scolding Kankri for that. She then had kissed the baby's arm, which now had a red mark that stayed for days. That didn't eased Kankri's feeling at all, and rather made it worse.
Some time later, Mama told him she wasn't angry at him, but she made it clear that he had not to hurt Karkat, because he was little. She had asked Kankri what was wrong, and Kankri had tried to explain, but he only knew so much words. He feared he could not tell her and she would reject him. He was never able to talk very well.
She had made him sit on her lap, and reassured him, explaining that the jealousy he was feeling was normal, but acting on it was very bad. Kankri's parents would never leave him or abandon him, and loved him the same way they loved his brother. Maybe when Karkat got older, they could play together, and Kankri could teach him how to walk, how to draw. They would play ball, or invent funny stories together. They would be good friends.
Kankri's feeling got somewhat eased after that, but it never truly disappeared. Their uneasy situation didn't help it. And deep down, even years later, Kankri never accepted the very existence of this parasite brother.
~~~~~
March 2019
“It can't be...”
“The doctor said that it might.”
“I mean...how? How could you...how could it...”
Kyle tried to say something, but his words didn't catch up. He looked again at the radiography's results, not believing what the doctor has said.
“There's no way.”, he said. “No way this is cancer.”
“Kyle...”
“It could be something else! It could be anything!”
“Stop denying it.”
He his his face in his palms, and mumbles incomprehensible words, driven by rage and frustration.
“It can't be!”, he shouted out between two sob-filled mumbles.
“Kyle, calm down. It's nothing serious as of now.”
He looked at her with tear-drenched eyes.
“Nothing serious? This is cancer we're talking about! We don't have the money to treat it!”
“I'm sure it will be fine.”
In his mother's arms, Kankri was looking at her with worry. She kissed him on the forehead, in a comforting gesture.
“This is no good news, I know.”, Carmina said. “But it isn't the end of the world. We'll try to find a way.”
“How so? Treatments cost thousands of dollars! We can barely join both ends as of now! We don't even have insurance!”
“We'll find a way!”
With all of this yelling, Karkat woke up, crying out. Kyle picked him from his crib, trying to lull him. He sighed, and sat next to his wife.
“We can't do this anymore.”
There was despair in his voice, and he wasn't even trying to hide it. Carmina wrapped her arms around his shoulders, kissing him on the cheek.
“We will do this. Together. As we have promised each other, remember?”
She brushed some of his tears away.
“We'll find a way.”
She smiled, and Kyle looked at her.
She was his sunshine, his only sunshine in the darkness. He tried to return her smile, but failed, and sighed again.
~~~~~
October 2020
The sun was shining bright, covering the park in its light. The evening sky was so orange it almost looked red. Pink clouds were trailing across this sanguine immensity, and Karkat spent a lot of time looking at them with amazement. Kankri was grabbing handfuls of leaves under the trees and throwing them in the air, making a dry and messy rain fall. However, Kyle didn't really appreciate pulling crumbled leaves from his hair and cloths, and had to tell Kankri to play with something else.
Carmina was resting against a tree, listening to Karkat's babbled words, naming things to him, such as birds or flowers. He was a quick learner, and already had some vocabulary. Most of all, he was an affectionate child, loving contact and needing lots of reassurance. He couldn't yet walk without holding one of his parents' hands, but he had a great imagination.
Karkat gently tugged at her hat, but she put her hand away, still quite ashamed of her too short hair. Deep down, she knew her treatment wouldn't work, and only leave their family with a huge gap in their already thin finances. But she tried not to think about it too much. Today was a day she wanted to spend with her family, with her children. She needed some peace of mind.
Nearby, Kankri and Kyle were playing ball, Kankri doing his best to throw it high and far, but with Kyle always managing to catch it at the last second, emphasizing on how good of a player his son was.
Karkat looked at them, then at his mom, who smiled.
“Do you want to play, too?”
He nodded. She stood up, the pain in her chest still numbing her, and walked with him towards her older boys.
She'd never leave them. That's what she had wanted to swear. Even though her body was slowly falling apart, she would never abandon her family. The silver ring on her finger was a token of this promise.
They played together the whole afternoon, away from life's realities, free to take some time to bond with each other. Even though Carmina had to stop sooner, out of breath, she still watched them from the sidelines, sitting on a bench.
As she sighed of happiness, she heard a small trill. Raising her head, she saw a tiny robin, perched in the above branches, looking at her with curiosity. It stayed there for a moment, before flying away with its tiny wings.
“Symbol of renewal.”, Carmina commented, before catching the ball Kankri had thrown at her.
Some renewal would have been appreciated, indeed. But in the meantime, all she could do was hoping for the best.
She coughed, as if something was stuck in her throat. That didn't mean well, but she chose to ignore it.
Not now.
~~~~~
April 2021
“How do you feel?”, he asked.
Carmina didn't answer, her head feeling heavy. Kyle gently rubbed her hands to keep them warm, as her temperature was already way too low. Next to him, Kankri was watching with worry, not understanding what was going on.
He knew his mother was sick, and needed to rest; but he never would have known that it was that bad. When himself had fallen sick, he never have had such cold skin or pale face. But his mom had, and was breathing with difficulty, her eyes half-closed most of the time. Kankri didn't know what kind of sickness it was, but he was afraid of it. He knew his mother was hurt, and had tried to help her. But his mother wouldn't react to his calls.
Kyle almost never left her bed. Carmina had still an intact mind, but her body wasn't as strong: she had troubles standing, eating, or simply staying conscious. She was spending most of her time in bed, Kyle being here to take care of her.
“It's gonna be alright, angel.”, he said, trying to make her sip some water, which she denied.
“Mama?”, Karkat asked, trying to grab a hold of his mother's hand.
She weakly pushed away. Not understanding why, he nearly cried, but Kyle took him in his arms.
“Mama's a little sick. She needs to be alone for a moment, you know?”
Karkat nodded, still a little sad.
“Mama hurt?”, he asked, tears in his eyes.
Kyle sighed, putting him down. Could he really lie to his own son about the possible death of his mother? Was Karkat old enough to understand?
He realized there were many things which he didn't know. He had always relied on Carmina's knowledge and instinct to raise their children. How would he do without her? How would he raise their sons without her? He would be lost, without anyone to help with his burden.
He couldn't let her die.
“Mama needs some rest.”, he told Karkat. “That's all.”
He tried to sound convincing, but failed. Miserably, as always. There was nothing that could be done to spare them the truth.
Kyle held Mina's hand in his, whispering encouragement words to her, trying to reassure her, to reassure their sons, to reassure himself. But he never had the hang of it, and was convinced he had only made things worse.
He was determined to make her live.
~~~~~
July 2021
“Don't go...”
Carmina was as weak as a shadow. The few color on her face had vanished, and her hands were shaking. Her breathing was irregular, her figure almost skeletal, and her whole being was close to its limits.
She had fought until the end. She had tried to resist the charming calls of death, but cancer had proved to be stronger. It had taken over her whole body, then her mind, and now that there was no return possible, Carmina would soon cease to be.
Her children were at her side, embracing her for what would certainly be the last time. They were crying; even if they didn't understand why, they knew their mother was going to die. She hadn't enough strength left to return their hug, but tried anyway.
“Carmina...I don't want it to end like this...”
She looked at him, her eyes veiled by a glossy mist, and tried to smile. He kissed her hand again, still sobbing.
“We had good times, didn't we? We have lived a good life...”
He wasn't sure whether she could understand him anymore or not. But he was sure that somewhere within her, was a spar of consciousness that wouldn't let go. She was a strong, stubborn woman, and always knew how to get what she wanted. She couldn't succumb that easily.
She had been her partner for eight years, her wife for four, and the mother of his two children. Their life together was really short, filled with hardships and problems and fights and difficulties...but he never regretted any of them. They have been happy together, fighting until the end.
He kissed her cheek tenderly, then her dry lips. He heard her moan slightly, her hand tightening around his fingers. When their faces parted, she was looking right at him, her dark eyes only giving her stare more creepy value. She blinked, slowly, and smiled.
She whispered something, but he didn't hear it, for her voice was too weak. Instead, he simply kissed her fingers again, and brought their children a little closer, so she could see them a last time.
“Mama, please stay...”, Kankri cried. “Stay!”
She didn't answer, her breathing getting more irregular. Karkat didn't know what was going on, and started to cry. Kyle came over, to held him in his arms, as Carmina was having more and more troubles to breathe.
“Kids...don't look.”, Kyle warned.
He wanted to spare them the pain of seeing their mother die in front of them. He didn't want them to live with that.
Gently, he took, Carmina's hand in his', and stayed at her side until her breathing slowed down. Soon, it stopped altogether.
And then, her hand fell limp, and light vanished from her eyes.
That's how Kyle understood that Carmina Vantas was no more.
He wished to cry, but couldn't bring himself to do it. All he could do was holding her hand until he was sure there was not even the slightest pulse under her skin.
He tried to comfort his children, but he was as confused and lost as them. All he could do was holding them as they cried.
~~~~~
I don't want to go.
I don't know where I am, or who are these people I sense around me. It feels as if my eyes are becoming crazy, for I see tons and tons of ghosts around me.
I try to look at my hands, but can't. I don't have a body anymore.
For some reason, I am not afraid. I walk forward, but my eyes are set behind. I don't want to leave them.
I hear voices. They speak in a foreign language, and yet I can understand them. I feel my chest getting heavy, but then the weight goes away, and so does the pain.
I try to remember what happened. I can't. All I know is, I can't leave them behind.
The voices speak again. I am told I have an interesting power. I can see the spirits of the dead; but with a little practice, I can learn to see the souls of those right about to die. I could help them out of their mortal bodies, into the spiritual world, causing them no pain once their time comes. I could escort them into their last home.
I say that I would like to be useful. I want to help people, to help my family. I want to do something good with my power.
I ask the voices whether I can see my family again.
My only answer is a feeling of heaviness that dreads through my body.
I slowly feel less like a wisp and more like a person of flesh and bones. My body seems lighter; especially, the pain has gone, and I can breathe freely. But especially, there is a foreign weight on my back and shoulders.
When I turn around to see what it is, I see green feathers. I smile, and look at my hands. Now I can.
The voices ask me whether this is satisfying or not. I nod.
I've found a way not to let them behind.
With no more explanations needed, I spread out my wings, and fly into the light.
