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ClaraEugenia — (Chapter 5) Interviewing the Beatles
Published: 2012-07-25 06:50:01 +0000 UTC; Views: 1143; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 2
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Fictional interviews of the Beatles, filled with humor and sarcasm. Everything slashy is joking. Set around 1964.5th interview: "The Shameless Beatles"
INTERVIEWER: Fifth interview! You guys are giving me much more money than I could have expected! Fans love these interviews!
RINGO: And you're getting rich for sitting there listening to us talking about random shit.
JOHN: Ugh! Can you two stop it, please?
INTERVIEWER: You're talking to me?
JOHN: No! With Harrison and McCartney! Can't you see how they are flirting with their eyes?
RINGO: You're overreacting, Lennie.
JOHN: I'm not! Paul's not suppose to giggle like that when looking at George! That's something he does with me and only ME!
RINGO: Maybe he changed his mind…
JOHN: JAMES PAUL McCARTNEY!
PAUL: You said something, John?
JOHN: Don't pretend you didn't hear me!
GEORGE: Oh, you see… Paulie was relating me a hilarious joke…
JOHN: Joke? I'm the one who does the jokes here!
GEORGE: You're so funny, right Macca?
PAUL: You're so cute Georgie! You should be the cute Beatle, not me!
GEORGE: How adorable, darling…
JOHN: Uggghhhh! Stop it! Bloody queers…
RINGO: You're the bloody jealous queer, John…
JOHN: How can I not be jealous? Look at them!
INTERVIEWER: I have a marvelous idea; let's start the interview, for God's sake!
RINGO: I think that's fair…
INTERVIEWER: Do you plan doing gigs in Latin America?
RINGO: We don't really know. We tour in the places our manager wants to meet.
JOHN: Don't ask questions about business here!
GEORGE: They plan it all and we have to agree with everything.
PAUL: This interview is getting boring…
GEORGE: I could amuse you if you want, Macca…
PAUL: How are you going to do so?
RINGO: John is right! You two are annoying me! I'm used to John and Paul being queer with each other… But you two?
PAUL: You're jealous too?
RINGO: Me? Jealous?
PAUL: Gee, everybody's trying to be my baby, everybody's trying to be my baby, everybody's trying to be my baby now…
JOHN: You're a bitch, Paul!
INTERVIEWER: Hey! Watch the language Lennon! There are kids watching this!
PAUL: Yeah, watch it Lennon!
JOHN: And those kids swear more than I do, for sure!
RINGO: I bet it's hard to find someone who swears more than you.
JOHN: Can you shut up, Starkey? I thought you were by my side!
GEORGE: No one's by your side now…
JOHN: I hate you all!
GEORGE: I wanna be your lover Paulie, I wanna be your man. I wanna be your lover baby, I wanna be your man…
PAUL: Love you like no other Georgie, like no other can. Love you like no other baby, I wanna be your man…
RINGO: George wants to be Paul's man, John claims to be Paul's man…
INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you more questions! So… When was the last time you cry?
JOHN: John Lennon never cries.
PAUL: Actually, John Lennon cried yesterday when Ringo accidentally hit him with a drumstick.
JOHN: That's not true!
RINGO: It is true… But I understand… My drumsticks hit hard…
GEORGE: How can a drumstick hit someone hard?
JOHN: You shut up! I hate you, I fucking hate you!
GEORGE: I will take good care of Paulie for you…
RINGO: You better shut up before John kills you, George…
JOHN: And I wasn't the only one who cried yesterday!
RINGO: Paul cried watching some crappy romantic movie…
PAUL: How can you say Breakfast at Tiffany's is crappy?
INTERVIEWER: For once I agree with you, I love that movie! For a costume party, I dressed as Holly, with the long black gloves and everything!
PAUL: Yes, it's amazing! But I didn't cry!
GEORGE: Yes you cried Paulie… Fortunately, you had me to snuggle with…
JOHN: He had ME to snuggle with! You didn't even watch the movie because you were goofing with Ringo!
RINGO: Jealousy is going to kill you…
JOHN: The world is treating me bad, misery…
GEORGE: John lost Paul now for sure…
RINGO: John won't see George no more…
JOHN: It's gonna be a drag… misery…
PAUL: I'll remember all the little things we'd done…
JOHN: Can't he see he'll always be the only one, only one... Send Paul back to me, 'cause everyone can see…
PAUL: Without me John will be in misery…
JOHN: I'll remember all the little things we've done. He'll remember and he'll miss his only one, lonely one…
RINGO: I knew somehow this would end with John and Paul singing together… again.
JOHN: And that's the way things are supposed to be!
GEORGE: Paulie, just one more thing boy, you give back your ring to me, and I will set you free, go with John…
JOHN: YOU HEARD HIM PAUL, STOP PLAYING AND COME WITH ME!
PAUL: Alright jealous boy…
RINGO: Wait, what? McLennon back again?
GEORGE: McLennon?
RINGO: Yes, it's how I call them. Sounds nice, right?
GEORGE: What about McHarrison?
JOHN: NO.
GEORGE: We were playing, just because we wanted to see you act all jealousy.
JOHN: Paul! Don't ever do that again… Not to Johnny…
PAUL: Paulie promises not doing something like that to Johnny again. But Johnny has to promise he'll shower every day.
JOHN: But Johnny doesn't need to shower every day!
PAUL: If Johnny doesn't shower every day, then he won't get to sleep with Paulie every night…
JOHN: Paulie is being mean to Johnny, but Johnny promises to shower almost every day.
RINGO: Stop talking like toddlers! I change my opinion back, I think George and Paul were more bearable.
INTERVIEWER: I didn't understand the shower thing.
GEORGE: Paul is the only one that showers every day.
RINGO: He showers twice a day.
GEORGE: He'd shower thrice if he could.
JOHN: We're lazy and sometimes we don't have time to shower, and that upsets Paul and his meticulousness.
GEORGE: But in our first time in Hamburg I think none of us ever showered.
RINGO: How could we? We were in a tiny room with a cheap bunk bed inside a club, and it only had ladies' bathroom!
PAUL: I showered in the ladies' bathroom whenever I could.
RINGO: Pervert.
GEORGE: With that baby face you could pass for a girl…
RINGO: But how can you hide his thing?
JOHN: We all tried to sneak in the ladies' bathroom, but the girls would always throw us out thinking we wanted to see them while showering.
RINGO: Which in part was true…
PAUL: But all I wanted was to fucking shower!
JOHN: Those Hamburg times with Preludin…
INTERVIEWER: What's that?
GEORGE: Preludin? Some pill that can keep you up for days.
INTERVIEWER: Like an illegal drug?
PAUL: No, no, we're totally legal! We haven't taken weed or anything like that…
JOHN: Yeah… Who needs Cannabis? Clearly none of us…
INTERVIEWER: Cannabis?
JOHN: The scientific name of marijuana. See? I told ye I was the smart Beatle!
RINGO: You're more likely to be the jealous Beatle.
GEORGE: Anyway… We haven't taken any drugs!
PAUL: Why are we talking about drugs that we are clearly not taking? Next question!
INTERVIEWER: Okaay… Do you―
GEORGE: Want to know a secret?
JOHN, PAUL AND RINGO: Doo-da-doo...
INTERVIEWER: Stop singing. And since we're talking about secrets, why don't you share one with us?
JOHN: A secret is something you hide from others because you don't want to know or find out. Why should we share a secret with you and the rest of the world?
GEORGE: We have actually said more than we should…
RINGO: Like in the third interview when we talked about our first shag…
PAUL: That was in the second, not the third.
RINGO: Whatever, my sense of memory stinks.
PAUL: Just as you all stink when you don't shower.
GEORGE: I didn't shower today and I don't smell bad.
JOHN: And that's the magic of the cologne!
PAUL: You're disgusting.
RINGO: I didn't shower; I took a long bubbling bath.
PAUL: Me too!
GEORGE: So you two bathed together?
RINGO: NO! That's John's job, not mine…
JOHN: Johnny promises to take a bath every day if Paulie takes it with him.
PAUL: Paulie likes Johnny's idea.
GEORGE: No! Don't talk like that again!
JOHN: Georgie dislikes how Johnny and Paulie talk?
GEORGE: Georgie dislikes it very much…
RINGO: Ringsy wants to know why Georgie is playing along with Paulie and Johnny…
INTERVIEWER: Well, if you don't want to share a secret, share something else.
GEORGE: I'm―
PAUL: Hungry?
GEORGE: Yes! How did you know?
PAUL: How could I possibly not know?
JOHN: I do have something to share! Paul and I are getting married!
PAUL: Wait, what?
JOHN: And George and Ringo are going to be the best-men!
PAUL: I think weddings only have one best-man…
JOHN: Then we're going to have two!
GEORGE: Is queer marriage legal?
RINGO: I don't think it is…
JOHN: Paul is going to be the most beautiful bride ever!
PAUL: I don't want to be the bride! I am a lad!
JOHN: But I can't be the bride!
GEORGE: Paul is the bride!
PAUL: If I have to be the bride I don't want to get married!
JOHN: But you'll get to wear a pretty dress! And you don't need fake eyelashes because yours are long enough!
RINGO: Paulie has long eyelashes, a girly face and cries like a girl!
PAUL: We can both be grooms!
JOHN: Alright…
PAUL: That's a yes?
JOHN: Only because I love you, princess.
PAUL: Don't call me princess!
JOHN: But you're my princess!
GEORGE: You forgot about a little detail…
JOHN: What?
GEORGE: You're already married.
RINGO: Cynthia Powell. Remember?
JOHN: Oh, but Cyn doesn't care!
GEORGE: We should get Cyn and Jane to be at one interview and see what they think about those two acting queer.
PAUL: Only Cyn and Jane? Why not Pattie and Maureen too?
RINGO: The eight of us in one interview? The interviewer is going to get crazy!
GEORGE: I think that if the girls are here, they won't act queer because they would be ashamed.
RINGO: But they are shameless!
JOHN: We're shameless!
RINGO: See? They are shameless and they're proud of it.
GEORGE: We are shameless too!
RINGO: The shameless Beatles!
JOHN: That could be a good name for the band! 'The Shameless Beatles'
PAUL: Remember when we were 'The Silver Beetles'?
GEORGE: What a stupid childish name…
PAUL: Not as stupid as 'Johnny and the Moondogs'
JOHN: 'Johnny and the Moondogs' was great!
PAUL: 'Paulie and the Moondogs' woul've been greater.
RINGO: Fortunately, I joined when they were already 'The Beatles'
INTERVIEWER: Whose idea was to be named 'The Beatles'?
JOHN: Mine!
GEORGE: It was Stu's.
JOHN: Well, 50% me, 50% Stu, alright?
INTERVIEWER: Who's Stu?
PAUL: He used to be the bassist of The Beatles and a terrific painter. He was in Art College with John.
INTERVIEWER: And what happened?
RINGO: He died.
INTERVIEWER: Oh… I'm sorry…
JOHN: He was a good friend…
PAUL: Yeah…
GEORGE: Shut up Paul, you kind of hated him…
PAUL: I didn't hate him!
JOHN: You were jealous of my friendship with him.
PAUL: But he was big and in college with you! I was still little and in grammars school…
GEORGE: We were all horrible with him…
JOHN: Sometimes we'd just say 'You can't sit with us.', so it was Paul, George and me joking together, and him alone in one side.
PAUL: One day I got in a fight with him right on the stage.
GEORGE: And everyone in the public was shouting, 'FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! HIT HIM!'
JOHN: But I was really sad by his death and us all, or at least I miss him.
RINGO: I never really knew him well… But he looked like a nice kid…
INTERVIEWER: That's a sad story…! Oh well, I think this interview is over…
RINGO: Bye bye!
JOHN: I'm looking forward to my bath with Paul tonight…
PAUL: And we have to begin planning the wedding!
GEORGE: Bye everyone! We shall repeat the same as always: don't take this too serious please!
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Comments: 12
Hey, not to complain, but where was my Starrison?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You will have your Starrison soon!
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Oh ok I was just makin' sure ya didn't fergit meh sugar
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I didn't forget you!
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^^ just checking luv <3
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A good question for the next one: Why it it always John and Paul and then there's George and Ringo?
I want the sillieness to continue!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you for the question!
The silliness may continue!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0