WushuKhanKu96 [2012-05-12 19:27:22 +0000 UTC]

Very sad, it's sad to hear about things like this...

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Puppy-eater [2011-05-19 18:21:21 +0000 UTC]

Hello, I'm =Puppy-eater , with , and I'll be critiquing you today.
You seem to have a sort of prosetry thing going on here, but you submitted it to our "Prose for Critique" folder, so I'll be treating it as such.
All of my comments on your piece are in parenthesies. I'm here to help, and just one opinion. If you have any questions or qualms, I'm glad to answer.


I can remember us as clear as yesterday,

Two soul lovers caught up in a dance. (this sentance should be combined with the other one using a ;. It improves flow, and otherwise, they are both fragments)

We met each other at a tender age(s) of 13 and 18, (Hm, like romeo and juliet....)

And immediately we became enticed. (I would re-word this so it's not a fragment, "Immediately, we were enticed." is stronger. Becoming takes time, being is immediate.)

You became my reason for living, my other half,

We kissed, we hugged and made love. (This sounds a little impassionate to me. You're just stating it and it sounds like this in my head, "Oh yeah, we kissed, we hugged, and we made love, nothing special, y'know.)

I thought I had everything until… (How about instead of a ... you use a "-" it breaks the sentance instead of dragging it on.)

That faithful(Fateful, perhaps?) day my family moved,

That was when I thought I lost you for good! (NO! PLEASE NO EXCLIMATION POINTS! Exclimation points are very childish, and I only use them in dialouage, sometimes. You should write so that your words are so strong that they don't need an exclimation point)

Then, four years down the line we got(REMOVE "got". It makes your writing immature) reunited,

That time, again, I'd thought you be mine! (this sentance makes no sense whatsoever.)

But, (REMOVE COMMA. IT'S GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT) it seemed your heart had changed,

You didn't seem interested, our love had faded.

We began to quarrel, argue and I made mistakes,

Then one day, you decided to let me go for good! (the same thing on the exclimation points. They're making me wince, actually. It's like fake drama.)

Was it me or you who have (had) changed?

And forgot our love in our younger age? (This sentance is really wordy, meaning it has too many words and doesn't flow very well. I would suggest combining it with the other sentance as follows, Was it you or I who changed, and forgot our youthful passion, love?)

Was I a fool to think we'd last? (This sentance is also wordy. That "a" is bothering me. How about, "Was it foolish of me to think we'd last?")

Today as I move on to my new love and close our memory box,

I can't help but think.

What our love could have been? (This sentance is grammatically incorrect.)

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Moonlit-RainStorm [2011-05-15 16:28:30 +0000 UTC]

That's quite sad, I've had something.. somewhat similar happen to me. I still love him, but I've moved on to a great guy, probably even better than the first one. Sometimes, things have to happen to see the truth, even when they really hurt. Sometimes things just have to happen in order to grow up.

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Kellodrawsalot [2011-05-15 12:33:22 +0000 UTC]

aww that was sad and sweet.

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