Miserie [2004-08-17 05:30:58 +0000 UTC]

Very nice. I like the wording, and the phrases flow nicely.

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negullah [2004-08-06 12:12:58 +0000 UTC]

Lily-White

The poem can be seen as involving not only a teacher and student relationship, but a one of master and servant, of discoverer and discovery to be exact. You give comfort to your finder, and all that he does is shelter you from the outside world. His little treasure it may seem. The poem features excellent contrasts, that can be interpreted as both between you and the other and also inside of you both. Although the relationship seems full of calm, there is a great tension and dependance of one another underneath. What does Alberto mean to you?

Wait for the fury,
feet cushioned on clouds.
Forget the filthy and foul
while you hover,
transcendental.

This is off to a great start. The 'fury' has a much greater effect, if the one hit by it has his 'feet cushioned on clouds'. The courage of a man that has been through all, has seen all and still wants to experience the 'fury' of which you speak. This is very good in setting the mood of it all. The last three lines add to the feeling of weightlessness that the discoverer experiences. It is my belief that the cataclysm does not really happen, being more of an unrealised fear. Using 'clouds' is of a great effect, but the preposition is not perfectly right. It does not leave much room for interpretation. I would suggest using 'by' as it does not suggest any height. 'Transcendental' is used perfectly though.

Expose me
as anarchist with your
eyes so angelic, not
meaning to scrutinize.

This can be considered the center of all contrasts in the poem. Not only you are exposed as anarchist, but his eyes are angelic. The hyperbola in the last two lines complete the overall image of the character. He is all that can be pictured good in this life. As he has put aside all that is 'filthy and foul' he has proceeded in becoming somehow of a higher being, if not in body, at least in soul and the things he feels. It is now that he ends this transformation. You, on the other hand, are in his hand, his palm. You are his. This stanza is quite good, I see that the modifications you have made work well.

Treading on tranquil
obedience, you are
secluded, but not pure,
not holy.

With this, you change all that you built in the rest of the poem. All of the images and feelings are turning around as I read it, everything seems to be of no avail, as fate is not forgiving. Disregarding all that, the two of you have lived your lives together and now the sum of everything is shown. The emotions of a strange relantionship through time. The ending is quite good, the tranquil obedience that he is treading upon is yours, I believe. Seclusion does not lead to purity or holiness, but, by all means, to the opposite. Seclusion is evidence of an unwanted or bad deed. I have a few suggestions though: I'd move obedience on the first line, and leave only 'you are' in the second, even if this changes the structure in an odd sort of way. It's your poem though, and it's very very interesting and well done as it is.

I see that you still haven't corrected the title. 'Lily' has a total of three l's in it's structure. It has been a pleasure writing this.

This review was induced and somewhat written for ~ReviewsbyRequest .

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hexocain [2004-08-05 14:24:20 +0000 UTC]

This is a review from ~ReviewsbyRequest .

First off: Lily is spelled with a total of two l's.

This poem immediately drew me in because of its 'modest' size and shape (it could easily be cradled in the palm of my hand), and the title, which promised something pritty. And I wasn't disappointed; the poem uses a lot of beautiful and pleasant words, such as 'cushioned', 'angelic', 'obedience' and so forth. Yet it's balanced out with words like 'fury', 'filthy', 'anarchist'.

What I see is a teacher – someone with a habit of provoking his/her student so as to make the person think and act, to give the student a groundbreaking experience. (Something you've hinted in the description as well - is Alberto your teacher?) I can't help but think of Lucifer before his Fall, because he used to be the teacher of the angels, and I think especially spiritual enlightenment is best achieved through mild or harsh provocation. In my head the teacher's feet are cushioned on a (coffee) table, and there's a slight smirk on his face because he said something a little wild and the student is reacting as planned. But he's not mean, he's doing it to help. The obedience mentioned could, if we stick to the image of an actual angel, be toward the cosmos, or in the case of a rationalist, to the laws of nature. But it could also be a kind (of) obedience to the student, expressing that the teacher is still in some sense controlled by the student. The student is ultimately controlling the process, even if he/she is not aware of it, something which makes that learning process seem very gentle.

Wait for the fury,
feet cushioned on clouds.
Forget the filthy and foul
while you hover,
transcendental.

Starting off with 'fury' gives a strong contrast to the pacifistic qualities of the poem. There is a fury, but it's the rare positive kind. This contrast is repeated throughout the poem, showing also the contrast between the teacher and the student, and in a way, between the practical and the theoretical. I like the rhyme of letters: 'Forget the Filthy and Foul' – something slightly mirrored later in 'Treading on Tranquil', and supported by the repetition of 'not' at the end. The category 'free verse' is very often misunderstood to be verse without any meter at all, but it's actually poetry with whatever meter the poet chooses. Though I'm not sure if this is free verse, these little pieces of attention to the form and rhythm speak for it. (But of course either way the categorization is fine, as even DA doesn't know that free verse has a meter.) It also hints to the teacher's collected state of mind and control of the situation. But does he really forget the filthy and foul? Or does he simply push it away? Is it coming from himself or from the student?

Expose me,
as anarchist with your
eyes so angelic, not
meant to scrutinize.

The comma after 'expose me' tell that it's the teacher who is the anarchist. I guess it means he gives equal credit and power to teacher and student. At first I read it as 'expose me as anarchist', though, pointing toward the student as the anarchist. Meaning maybe that the student has too little control, letting emotions overflow?
'not meant to scrutinize' – this says that he's using his eyes in a way they were not meant for. It seems like what you meant was maybe 'not meaning to scrutinize'? Because what it says now seems to be negative toward the teacher, something that doesn't fit into the rest of the poem. Either that, or we're seeing it through the eyes of the angry student, who's apparently feeling very observed.

Treading on tranquil
obedience, you are
secluded, but not pure,
not holy.

This is my favourite part, especially: 'you are secluded, but not pure, not holy'. I believe that people who are not religious should still be allowed to meditate and do other seemingly religious things without being considered freaks. My mom's a healer and believes in some shaman thoughts as well as God as a higher entity, but I'm an atheist. Still she taught me to meditate and I've found it very pacifying, and later I fasted for a while to clear out my system in a Ramadan sort of way. However, these two things made all my acquaintances consider me a freak, because I had no religious 'excuse' to be doing them. So I see this part as telling that even non-religious people can be pious, peaceful and so forth. This teacher is not perfect, because no person is (though religion makes the mistake of believing that saints/bodhisattvas are), but the beauty lies in his/her acceptance and understanding of this fact. There is no need here to be perfect. 'tranquil obedience' is a nice wording in itself, it captures an important state of mind that is very rare these days. Modern man can better be described as 'impatient anarchy' – and here that appears to be the student.

As far as I can remember the lily is a symbol of death and loyalty. I don't see any death in this poem, except maybe the death of outdated thoughts, but the loyalty seems to be mutual between the two.

I'm glad to see you've taken the preview image yourself, I hate it when people just get one off the net and stick it on. And it's a nice, subtle image with fitting colors.

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gdpr-839733 [2004-07-21 16:49:57 +0000 UTC]

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Schrodingerneko [2004-07-21 12:52:42 +0000 UTC]

I had to read this twice, which isn't a bad thing. I found I could read it in different ways, discover more. I particularly like the effect of contrast here, and then the last four lines, which contain no negative words, but instead uses 'no', it has added power because these words picked up the notion of being the extreme side of good in the early use of clashing ideas.

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Zacha [2004-07-20 09:23:14 +0000 UTC]

Good poems with good line breaks. But the short ending became an anticlimax for me... but otherwise. Really good job.

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Majestical [2004-07-18 22:10:53 +0000 UTC]

I like this.. nice job

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