skwish-e [2003-09-15 20:21:58 +0000 UTC]

Well, it looks like you've gotten a lot of good comments on this already, so I won't try to add too much. This seems like a semi-vampirish piece. The bit about the concourse makes me think of Steven King's Night Flyer. I really like the line "I can't remember why I longed to carry this disease"

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cyclethrough [2003-09-15 20:18:53 +0000 UTC]

i just want to say i LOVE the ending of this poem. absolutely love it.

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mechadragon [2003-09-01 19:42:28 +0000 UTC]

well 3 things matter to me in a poem
1) rythm
2)intensity
3)the shock of some realism even in such places as fairyland
i am soooo happy to this amazing work has all 3 of my favorite things that i read poetry for
thanx for sharing such great work

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theamos [2003-08-30 18:35:49 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Deep. Yeah. o.o Very emotional. Blink 182 has a song called Lemmings but this is definately not like it. Very different meaning. Well written

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kittiez [2003-08-29 17:08:07 +0000 UTC]

pretty, and emotional

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liowood [2003-08-29 16:25:28 +0000 UTC]

its good i like the meaning of it

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deathsdream [2003-08-27 02:14:23 +0000 UTC]

quoth the raven "nevermore"

Awesome Poem I like it... but yea I would agree that some of the rhyme schemes in this are off... I'd recommend that if rhyming was what you were going for then try and rhyme through the whole thing ... but if not just make the words flow. flow is sort of a lax term, but yea... just think of the words flowing together and hope for the best and then go back if need be and clean it up a bit.

This gives me like a crazy psycho wanting, feeling, craving to die sort of feeling... and then when he's on the edge of what he's getting he sort of wishes he wouldn't have chosen that path. In respect to the lemmings, I would just say that those are all the other like minded people that were just too depressed or what not too hope for the best. instead choosing death... which I can totally relate to this poem.

Have Faith my friend and hope for the best!

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edf [2003-08-27 01:53:34 +0000 UTC]

Now, I don't know much about poetry, but I do like that you made me realy want to read on. The peom carries through, and makes the reader interested in continuing on. You do have a way with words!! When I was reading this, I had good mental pictures of what you were describing. Very descriptive!! Keep up the good work!! +fav
edf

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kindred [2003-08-26 20:00:52 +0000 UTC]

This was very interesting.

If you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism:

I enjoyed how the begining of this piece started. But what seemed like...oh...about half way through, you switched into what seemed like a rhyme scheme, which, while it did lend a quickening beat to the poem, I felt that it took away from the piece as a whole. The only other thing I saw was that "Course" and "Concourse" didn't work very well. Concourse threw off the beat with it's extra syllable (spelling? Yeesh...I suck.).

Besides that, I really enjoyed the way that the piece ended. I think that it has a really...powerful message, should you choose to use that word. I hope you know what I mean.

Anyway, I liked this very much, and I think that you show great potential. You have nice imagery, and a point to what you write. Both great combo's!

You! On my watch! Now!

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