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goldshroom β Star-crossed
by-nc-nd
Published: 2013-07-02 15:46:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 5413; Favourites: 236; Downloads: 0
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Description
You woke up onthe wrong side of
a cosmic bed
A pillow of
nebulae,
crushed
under your head
Meteorites
are all the tears
which you have shed
Your ring finger
is Saturn,
yet
remains unwed
Forever lost
in outer space
among a dreamed
starry array
Your light shines bright
lightyears away
but not enough
to seize the day
Star-crossed
and vaccum-cleaned,
sleep-tossed
and solar-weaned
Let your love be
a tesseract-
then I'll wish to
become Titan.
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Comments: 41
I like the simple style combined with elaborate word-choice. The mental picture is vivid and beautiful, and the subtle descriptions help create the empty feeling of deep space and lost love. A good message is presented, but it could use a little more emotional appeal. The style in which it was written is beautiful, elegant, while also personal. The story, while slightly unclear, is obviously timelessly themed. A good poem does not need explained... And this was a good poem. The meaning was complex, as if hidden, but poetry is the key to its own code. The symbolism could be deciphered, but not without some work. Still, emotional appeal gathers wide audiences. Every artist expresses himself so that we can be heard without words. Otherwise, beautiful. Tres belle, mon ami.
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You did an excellent job with this piece, so let me start off by saying good job. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
This piece is excellently written and has poignant imagery that really makes it pop. The fact that every image captures some aspect of space is a feat on its own, and you managed all of it quite nicely. My favorite stanza has to be the second to last. It really paints a sharp image and serves as a bit of a contrast to the other stanzas.
However, there are a few places that could use some work. The first is the third stanza, which lacks the flow of the rest. It also fails to paint the typical scene like the others. I understand the idea of shed nails, but it just seems off.
The third line of the sixth stanza is also bothering me. Forgive the uptight English student in me, but it lacks a proper (not quite) antecedent. As in, there's not enough of what? It's not enough light or it's not far enough away? It's without a doubt a beautiful passage, but that line just seems off to me.
The final place is the final line. If I understand correctly, Titan is being used in the sense of Saturn's moon. If not, then feel free to ignore this section. This is definitely a clever use, and it paints a clear picture, if the reader knows what Titan refers to, but there are just so many possibilities out there and this is one of the least known. It also seems to throw the piece off a bit because you go from a set of space-related but not instantly connectable references to a clear "you're Saturn, I'm the moon that follows you around." It makes perfect sense to put a change in the final stanza, but I wonder if it's just a bit too big. The end just lacks a note of finality, and brought all of the beautiful imagery in the piece to a screeching halt.
Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece, and I think you did a fabulous job with it. I hope to see more of your writing soon. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
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First of all, thank you for the critique. I'll address each of your statements in order.
I know exactly why the third stanza doesn't flow like it should (I forgot that nails is a two-syllable word for God-knows-why), but I didn't notice until hours after submitting the poem. This is indicative of how the poem is actually a rush job cranked out an hour before I had to leave for work. :/ All the attention it has been getting is legitimately surprising! Now, there are several possible fixes that don't drastically change the content of the third stanza, and I'll be looking further into them in the near future. In its current state, I would not attempt to get "Star-crossed" published anywhere.
The third line of the sixth stanza is referring back to the brightness of the light, but I understand your confusion. I could probably fix it by replacing "enough" with something else.
"Your light shines bright
lightyears away
but not so near
to seize the day"
As long as the meaning is intact, I'm fine with any alterations.
As for the end, I think we'll have to agree to disagree. For one, Titan is one of the most well-known moons in the solar system. Secondly, I believe that the change is appropriate since the final stanza is about bringing the star-crossed lovers together, not about being worlds apart.
If anything, the "tesseract" reference is the biggest problem with the final stanza, since fourth-dimensional hypercubes are not inherently space-related. If it wasn't for A Wrinkle in Time, I myself probably wouldn't have used the word. Even so, I broke my own little ruleset because I felt it was too beautiful to pass up, and changing that part would be akin to pulling my own teeth. >_<
Again, thank you, and I can be expected to write more poetry (and officially start on my science fiction novella) very soon.
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Wonderful. Meaningful and well written. Β Very well done. Β
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awww...so cool! And it's literally like the definite meaning of "star-crossed lovers"!
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Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link] . Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by 
Keep writing and keep creating.
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hi! i hope you don't mind my humble feature:
your lovely piece is handpicked. (link)
thank you.
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2nd stanza I'd change "under" to "beneath" ...overall this was a light, fun, intriguing poem I very much enjoyed, wishing you all the best with it!
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This piece has been featured in #The-Asterismos ' weekly Showcase [here] .
Please support your fellow featured deviants, and thank you for sharing your wonderful work with the group! 
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In my oppinion your poem is wonderful and it is like the Universe and love are a great comparison. I found your poem because it is like my poem about love. Amazing pictures in words. I love how love always changes and so does the universe.
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I really like this, especially being an astornomy geek! I don't understand everything of it, but I really really like it!
Very well done!
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i really like this.
this line is pure gold.
Your ring finger
is Saturn,
yet
remains unwed
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" Madness rides the star-wind... claws and teeth sharpened on centuries of corpses...dripping death astride the bacchanale of bats from night-black ruins of buried temples of Belial. "
Your rhyme stumbles as illusion of order crumbles. Chaos is universal natural state and at this rate... humanity which is a tiny speck in a tiny speck of a tiny speck's tiny speck will soon meet it's inevitable fate.
All you ever have is just a loan. Only thing that is constant is change. So enjoy and fly until this illusion changes into another.
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This is very informative and neat. I like it when I can see a picture before me what is happening. Good job.
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I don't know what the hell you mean by that
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Absolutely gorgeous <3 It kind of freaked me out at first considering my whole bed depicts the universe on its sheets xD
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This is an amazing poem!!
Kinda reminds me of Romeo and Juliet a bit, you know, like how they are "star-crossed lovers".
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This is going to sound weird but I think this poem in specific could use music.
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You may be right, but I'm not going to learn how to play an instrument anytime soon.
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Sounds like a song more than it does a poetic foreshadow.
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Love that space imagery 
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I often find myself singing my poems, and this is no different. So I totally understand.
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This is published some where right? It just seems like it should, because in my opinion it's really quite good.
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This piece is so incredibly beautiful and well-thought out, I love it ^_^
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how i wish i was the one to write this beautiful poem.
i love its playfulness with the words
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I admire very much the way you were able to take a well known phrase and create a rhyme scheme that was original and catchy.
It's clear that you have a firm grip on extended metaphor and the astronomy motifs are well played as well.
I can't think of anything that could be improved or changed thus far.
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I love it. Just the third stanza didn't flow as well as the others. But other than that love love love it!
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That's actually the one thing I would love to change about this poem if it were to be officially published. I unintentionally flubbed the meter because I somehow thought that "nails" wasn't a two-syllable word. >_<
Still, not bad for a rare poem of mine that required little to no barnstorming from me whatsoever. Naturally, because it's the kind of poem I always had inside of me.
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Yeah other than that it's an amazing poem
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Ahh, I've not a single critique for this, it's extraordinary. Those first two stanzas alone have such an impact that you simply don't move on from this poem. I'll be thinking about it for a while, definitely.Β
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A pillow of
nebulae,
crushed
under your head
--
my favorite stanza. definitely reminds me of romeo & juliet. wonderful job
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Mine as well, because "nebulae" is the best play on words I've ever attempted.
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Beautiful, and deep. Star-Crossed lovers is an old ideal, but you speak of it rather nicely, and incredible. Well done!
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I really love the beginning to this,
it caught my attention,
and never strayed.
Well done.
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