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— Spirals
Published:
2002-12-04 13:29:48 +0000 UTC
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Description
Spirals
When I open my eyes in the morning the day greets me again. But I have to close them again quickly. Not for the bright light pouring through the curtains, washing me in golden radiance, for there is no light, it is still dark outside. I must stop from spiraling down again into my own self inflicted torment, stop from spiraling down those broken and cracked walls with jutted peaks to rip the flesh and soul. If I go down, I will no come back, and the bleakness that is at the bottom of that screaming corpse pit is a scary thought, though part of me yearns to be down there out of the cares of the world and in a place where I could close my eyes forever.
But I open my eyes again slowly and the world does not start spinning. It is safe to leave the bed for another day . . . hopefully. Vacating my next of warm blankets that shield me from the world I get up, pulling on clothes that will keep me warm against the bitter cold of the world outside, environmental and other. Walking out of my door I stop and clutch the doorframe, the path in front of me leading to my car had started to spiral again with a sickening speed. When my breath is no longer ragged and the pain in my head stops I step tentatively out of the door, breathing a choppy sigh of relief when I reach my car and the world has stayed stationary around me.
When I get to school, a joke of a place where repetitive information is being shoved down our throats year after year until we must learn the material by routine rather than the thirst to have knowledge, I turn off my car. Walking up to the office where I work the first period of a long day I press the "Play" button with the pad of my thumb, loud music pouring out of my headphones to drown out those around me, most of them with horrible conformist tendencies, the others who have no true value for the life around them. Life is precious, especially if you're trying not to spiral down into the black depths of shadows that pool up from nowhere to try and suck you down into nothingness.
When the bell has rung its long and monotonous ring I sit down at the computer and begin to type . . . type anything that can get these thoughts out of my head, anything to get the screams out of my ears that haunt that long and spiraling cavern to the underworld. I close my eyes, but this time the computer in front of me has not moved, it has not started shifting to spiral on it's own. I am thinking of him, for he is my anchor in this world, the only one who can help me, the only one who can pull me completely out of that black pit.
I open my eyes again, my haunted vision searching the screen and scrolling down. There has to be a letter from him here, there always is. Just for me, only for me. I frown when I see his name appear on the screen and I stop scrolling, but the opening message isn't what I'd think I'd see on any of his e-mails: "Terrible News ... We're So Sorry." What could this mean? Hesitantly I click on the e-mail and it loads before my eyes. Without realizing it that black pit started spiraling around me slowly as I read each word, each horrible word that jumped off the screen at me like demons. Before I could stop myself I stood and ran out of the office, leaving the work I was supposed to do, rushing past the class. The only thing solid I could feel were the keys in my hand, so I ran to my car and started it, not knowing where I could go, or who could help me fight this pain; the spiraling I ignored, I had to prove them wrong.
I sped out of the student parking lot, gasping for breath as the crystal drops rushed from my eyes, salty water sliding down my cheeks and onto my lips. Buildings, trees, people all rush by as I go faster and faster. It's too cold to go any faster but my foot kept pressing the peddle, I couldn't stop it, the cold in my mind and in my heart blocked out all logical thought about the cold of the real world. And then I realized too late that the spiraling had gotten me, I was too far into the pit and I couldn't get out on my own. And he wasn't here to lift me out again ... I was trapped in this place forever.
It was too much to take and my hands slipped from the wheel, cupping my face as tears rushed from eyes that saw nothing but arms reaching out from black and chipped walls, reaching for me. I heard a noise but it didn't matter, all that mattered was that he and I had died in the same way; I would be with him soon. I would never see the bottom of the black pit, only the warmth of his arms around me.
____________
When they found her things in the teacher's office where she worked 1st period they saw the screen and read the e-mail. Her friends were crying, her family in shock, the mother sobbing noiselessly in the corner.
From: Her_Angel_24
To: Black_Spiral_17
When: December 3rd, 2002; 9:04 p.m.
Subject: "Terrible News . . . We're So Sorry"
We thought you would have known, but since you replied to his last e-mail we decided that we would have to tell you. He died two days ago in a car accident. The ice on the road made his car slip and he crashed into a telephone pole. He died on impact. We'll be sending you the things of yours he had, and a few things he wanted you to have. We're so sorry, we knew how much the two of you cared for each other. If there's anything we can do please let us know.
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