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Hellooooo World!

(I wonder if this is going to be posted in the newspaper? If so: Hello all you early morning readers I never met! Don’t worry, your name’s not one of the ones listed below. (Ho-ho-ho!))

Otherwise, I am sure I’ve read this at my living wake- unless I died before the wake. (Oh ho ho! Wouldn’t THAT be a riot? Here I am, in this hospital bed, perfecting the timing of all the killer jokes I’ve got lined up in this here obituary, and then I go and kick the bucket before I can read it out loud! If that happens, dear friends, please raise a glass in my memory- I finally mastered the in’s and OUT’S of comedic timing, I just wish I didn’t have to die first. Woulda’ been nice to laugh with you all.)

Alright, now that we’ve broken the ice a bit, let’s get down to business.

But where do I start? (Oh… dagnabbit. Give me a minute to compose myself here- I’m old! I have my reasons for writing this, but I was never quite as eloquent as SOME people -yeah, Fuhua, I’m looking at you, kid!- let me just... think… Okay! I got it! Stand by~)

I didn’t want some stranger writing my obituary. It’s not that I thought they’d do a poor job or anything, I’m sure whoever usually writes these is very talented, but I thought this was the last chance I’d get to chat and LAUGH with all of you.

As you guys already know, my name is Winnifred Moore. Most people call me Winnie. Some call me Guppy. Some call me Gran. Some call me ‘The Bottomless Pit.’ And others: ‘That Old Lady Who Talks Too Loud!’ I’m sure there are others, but again, I am old and this medication’s making my already hazy memory downright foggy. (Feel free to swap nicknames amongst yourselves, though! I loved them all!)

I am 85 years old. I smoked since I was 14, which probably has something to do with the predicament that I’m in. (They were good for you, in my day!)

I married three times, but I only had one love. I waited until I was 48-years-old for him, but you know what they say: all good things come to those who wait. Simon was well worth it. I miss him more than you can ever imagine. I can’t wait to see that stupid dolt again.

Take it from me, young’uns, it’s never too late to find your soulmate. I know that sounds mushy and it’s hard to believe but it’s true. I don’t say this to make you blush or gag, I say it because I’m old and wise and am tired of people making themselves all upset over something that’s beautiful.

(Also, your soulmate doesn’t have to be one person and it doesn’t have to be romantic, either. Patrick, David, and Mudan… thanks for everything. I’ll elaborate on you all in a minute.)

Talking about my marriages, I had a son with my second husband. His name was David and despite what the doctors and his no-good father said, he was perfect. He had little tiny baby fingers with little stubby fingernails (that were sharper than you’d think!) His skin was so fair, I could sometimes see light shining through his hand as I held it in my own. Sometimes, I could see it through his ears and hair, too. He was so radiant!

He used to stick out his tongue when he smiled or laughed, OH! How that child could laugh! Most people think I can shake up a room with the sound of MY LAUGHTER, but David’s laugh. Oh, David’s laugh. David’s laugh was honey-sweet. It’d bubble out of him and he’d grab his sides and fall over, kicking his heels in delight. It’d reach you, right in the belly. It’d give you this big hug and nuzzle into you and it’d tickle your heart and before you knew it, you’d be laughing with him at the most ridiculous things!

David could make anyone laugh.

He was so good at making other people feel good. I’d like to say I taught him that, but no- David was born with that gift. That was all him.

He passed away when he was just 3. He had a weak immune system.

It was hard, living without him, but David encouraged me to become a nurse so I could help the women and children that people back then didn’t want to have anything to do with. (If you’re in the position to help someone, you should always take it. You don’t know how much your actions could mean to someone- and you could meet some interesting people along the way.)

Mudan helped me through so much in my life. I can’t imagine it without her. We’ve been together since we were girls! (We went to the same one-room schoolhouse, for Arceus’s sake!) She was there for me when I didn’t know if I'd get into high school. She was there during the ups and downs of all my marriages and when David died… She encouraged me to be a nurse and she let me be there, to play with her children and grandchildren (oh oh oh! “Fatty Fu, I love you~~”)

She suffered through Mrs. Wompus’s class with me- and several detentions that I got us into (sorry, pal!) She was my gossip buddy, she was closer to me than my actual sister, she was the person I always thought of when things got tough because she is, without a doubt, the smartest, savviest, sassiest person I know!

Best of all, she let me test her new dishes at the diner~~ Oh Moo! I could eat your food and nothing else for the rest of my life and I’d be perfectly happy. (Haha! That was a little joke. But, really, even if I wasn’t dying, I’d still be happy to eat my fill of your food, Moo. You know I love your cooking. It’s better than mine, that’s for sure! Ohoho! Poor Simon. He’d get so excited when we’d go out to your place to eat, bless him.)

Anyway, Mudan was a big reason why I moved to Raccolto, and I’m so happy I did. She opened her diner, I found Simon living nearby, and I decided to take up fishing with him.

I’ve met so many people here and this island has such a great sense of humor, every day is full of surprises! One thing’s for sure, nothing’s been dull!

It’s been quite a ride. I took up taxidermy and going to the theatre (you guys really oughtta visit that Ralph kid’s shows sometime. I’m always razzing him, but the poor guy works so hard. Buy a ticket to one of his shows, yeah? Sometimes I worry he’s gonna give himself a heart attack or die of stress! Ralph- take it easy pal. Kick back a few drinks in the pub, it’s all going to be a-okay. Just put on that show I told you about with the ladies in fishnet stockings~~~ you’ll be the talk of the town!)

Anyway, I’ve met a murderous sea captain (with a smoldering eye~~) and had to set aside our passions to throw him in The Clink, and I met a nice forgetful lad on a desert island, and I got to hear a young man recite poetry for me, despite my age. (Honey, none of my husbands ever did that! You’re an old soul, lad. You really know how to make a lady feel fine! Keep writing, Fuhua. I love your poetry. I hope you’ll still read them to me sometimes~ And don’t worry about looking like you're talking to yourself, I’ll be there, listening. I promise. Keep an eye out for your grandmother (ohohooh! Get it, Foo-hoo~~? Eye? OHOHOHO!), but also remember to take care of yourself. Find a girl a little bit younger than me to read your poems to, you’ll light up her world. I promise I won’t be jealous… I may haunt her a little bit though! She better treat my little Fatty Fu right!)

It’s been a full life and that’s all an old lady like me could ask for. Thank you, everyone, for making my life so rich.

Now go on an adventure! And don’t be afraid to make total fools of yourselves while you do it. No one’s perfect.

Laugh and be merry.

You’ll be happy you did.

-Winnifred Moore

(PS- I smoked two cigarettes while writing this obituary! HA! I’m going out on my own terms, baby!)

Description

Hellooooo World!

(I wonder if this is going to be posted in the newspaper? If so: Hello all you early morning readers I never met! Don’t worry, your name’s not one of the ones listed below. (Ho-ho-ho!))

Otherwise, I am sure I’ve read this at my living wake- unless I died before the wake. (Oh ho ho! Wouldn’t THAT be a riot? Here I am, in this hospital bed, perfecting the timing of all the killer jokes I’ve got lined up in this here obituary, and then I go and kick the bucket before I can read it out loud! If that happens, dear friends, please raise a glass in my memory- I finally mastered the in’s and OUT’S of comedic timing, I just wish I didn’t have to die first. Woulda’ been nice to laugh with you all.)

Alright, now that we’ve broken the ice a bit, let’s get down to business.

But where do I start? (Oh… dagnabbit. Give me a minute to compose myself here- I’m old! I have my reasons for writing this, but I was never quite as eloquent as SOME people -yeah, Fuhua, I’m looking at you, kid!- let me just... think… Okay! I got it! Stand by~)

I didn’t want some stranger writing my obituary. It’s not that I thought they’d do a poor job or anything, I’m sure whoever usually writes these is very talented, but I thought this was the last chance I’d get to chat and LAUGH with all of you.

As you guys already know, my name is Winnifred Moore. Most people call me Winnie. Some call me Guppy. Some call me Gran. Some call me ‘The Bottomless Pit.’ And others: ‘That Old Lady Who Talks Too Loud!’ I’m sure there are others, but again, I am old and this medication’s making my already hazy memory downright foggy. (Feel free to swap nicknames amongst yourselves, though! I loved them all!)

I am 85 years old. I smoked since I was 14, which probably has something to do with the predicament that I’m in. (They were good for you, in my day!)

I married three times, but I only had one love. I waited until I was 48-years-old for him, but you know what they say: all good things come to those who wait. Simon was well worth it. I miss him more than you can ever imagine. I can’t wait to see that stupid dolt again.

Take it from me, young’uns, it’s never too late to find your soulmate. I know that sounds mushy and it’s hard to believe but it’s true. I don’t say this to make you blush or gag, I say it because I’m old and wise and am tired of people making themselves all upset over something that’s beautiful.

(Also, your soulmate doesn’t have to be one person and it doesn’t have to be romantic, either. Patrick, David, and Mudan… thanks for everything. I’ll elaborate on you all in a minute.)

Talking about my marriages, I had a son with my second husband. His name was David and despite what the doctors and his no-good father said, he was perfect. He had little tiny baby fingers with little stubby fingernails (that were sharper than you’d think!) His skin was so fair, I could sometimes see light shining through his hand as I held it in my own. Sometimes, I could see it through his ears and hair, too. He was so radiant!

He used to stick out his tongue when he smiled or laughed, OH! How that child could laugh! Most people think I can shake up a room with the sound of MY LAUGHTER, but David’s laugh. Oh, David’s laugh. David’s laugh was honey-sweet. It’d bubble out of him and he’d grab his sides and fall over, kicking his heels in delight. It’d reach you, right in the belly. It’d give you this big hug and nuzzle into you and it’d tickle your heart and before you knew it, you’d be laughing with him at the most ridiculous things!

David could make anyone laugh.

He was so good at making other people feel good. I’d like to say I taught him that, but no- David was born with that gift. That was all him.

He passed away when he was just 3. He had a weak immune system.

It was hard, living without him, but David encouraged me to become a nurse so I could help the women and children that people back then didn’t want to have anything to do with. (If you’re in the position to help someone, you should always take it. You don’t know how much your actions could mean to someone- and you could meet some interesting people along the way.)

Mudan helped me through so much in my life. I can’t imagine it without her. We’ve been together since we were girls! (We went to the same one-room schoolhouse, for Arceus’s sake!) She was there for me when I didn’t know if I'd get into high school. She was there during the ups and downs of all my marriages and when David died… She encouraged me to be a nurse and she let me be there, to play with her children and grandchildren (oh oh oh! “Fatty Fu, I love you~~”)

She suffered through Mrs. Wompus’s class with me- and several detentions that I got us into (sorry, pal!) She was my gossip buddy, she was closer to me than my actual sister, she was the person I always thought of when things got tough because she is, without a doubt, the smartest, savviest, sassiest person I know!

Best of all, she let me test her new dishes at the diner~~ Oh Moo! I could eat your food and nothing else for the rest of my life and I’d be perfectly happy. (Haha! That was a little joke. But, really, even if I wasn’t dying, I’d still be happy to eat my fill of your food, Moo. You know I love your cooking. It’s better than mine, that’s for sure! Ohoho! Poor Simon. He’d get so excited when we’d go out to your place to eat, bless him.)

Anyway, Mudan was a big reason why I moved to Raccolto, and I’m so happy I did. She opened her diner, I found Simon living nearby, and I decided to take up fishing with him.

I’ve met so many people here and this island has such a great sense of humor, every day is full of surprises! One thing’s for sure, nothing’s been dull!

It’s been quite a ride. I took up taxidermy and going to the theatre (you guys really oughtta visit that Ralph kid’s shows sometime. I’m always razzing him, but the poor guy works so hard. Buy a ticket to one of his shows, yeah? Sometimes I worry he’s gonna give himself a heart attack or die of stress! Ralph- take it easy pal. Kick back a few drinks in the pub, it’s all going to be a-okay. Just put on that show I told you about with the ladies in fishnet stockings~~~ you’ll be the talk of the town!)

Anyway, I’ve met a murderous sea captain (with a smoldering eye~~) and had to set aside our passions to throw him in The Clink, and I met a nice forgetful lad on a desert island, and I got to hear a young man recite poetry for me, despite my age. (Honey, none of my husbands ever did that! You’re an old soul, lad. You really know how to make a lady feel fine! Keep writing, Fuhua. I love your poetry. I hope you’ll still read them to me sometimes~ And don’t worry about looking like you're talking to yourself, I’ll be there, listening. I promise. Keep an eye out for your grandmother (ohohooh! Get it, Foo-hoo~~? Eye? OHOHOHO!), but also remember to take care of yourself. Find a girl a little bit younger than me to read your poems to, you’ll light up her world. I promise I won’t be jealous… I may haunt her a little bit though! She better treat my little Fatty Fu right!)

It’s been a full life and that’s all an old lady like me could ask for. Thank you, everyone, for making my life so rich.

Now go on an adventure! And don’t be afraid to make total fools of yourselves while you do it. No one’s perfect.

Laugh and be merry.

You’ll be happy you did.

-Winnifred Moore

(PS- I smoked two cigarettes while writing this obituary! HA! I’m going out on my own terms, baby!)