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Indigo-Moon-Shadow — Time Stricken Heart
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Published: 2016-11-26 08:00:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 265; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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Description
Embracing and releasing as they spin -I hear gears clicking; but behind the glass,
The clock hands are a frozen set of twins –
Anchored tears, drowning in oxidized brass.
Yellow leaves shiver in the autumn breeze,
But I feel no wind blowing on my cheek.
Dandelions steal wishes as they please –
Without your kisses, my lips become bleak.
My hand sweeps across the delicate page
But murky ink leaves no visible mark –
For words cannot express our Golden Age
Once our tale is blotted – completely dark.
Although I stand here, alive and breathing,
I can no longer feel my heart beating.
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Comments: 15
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I never liked poetry much but I can say with all honesty that I do indeed like this! Even though I'm not familiar with the show that this is based around, I can see a very vivid picture painted by your descriptive and meaningful words. This poem, short as it is, is very alive and it reminds me of a story ^^ My favorite part has to be the middle Dandelion line. I also really love it how this sweetly rhymes; very good on that part. However, it is my opinion that it would flow more smoothly if you alternate the number of syllables back and forth. So, eleven syllables and then next line ten syllables and then next line eleven syllables etc.
Another technique that I really like rhyming inside the lines. This can be hard to do at first but it's rather fun to read. So, for instance, instead of: 'But I feel no wind blowing on my cheek' it would be: But I feel no wind blowing and it is snowing. Yeah, terrible example but you get what I mean XD Also, lines starting with a long word and ending with a short one is cool too.
Anyway, keep up the good work. I hope my critique has helped you. Have a good day/night!
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Thank you it means a lot 
Haha you don't have to know the show - it got my mind thinking but the poem really has nothing to do with it.
The syllable idea sounds pretty neat. This is a Shakespearean sonnet, so that's why it's all 10; but next time I write something, I'll keep that in mind. I know what you mean about the internal rhymes cx They do sound nice.
Thank you ^_^ Have a good day/night to you too
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This one really invokes feeling. Well written!
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You are most welcome!
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Thank you!
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your welcome
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