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jaani-androphile — end life, end.
Published: 2012-08-31 03:48:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 661; Favourites: 30; Downloads: 4
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Description
when i was almost god,and my fingers were honeycombs
woven into embroidered dreams,
is when my breath danced
in your hair,
(never to be tamed)
your lashes weighing down your eyelids,
joining fingers with the ones below.
a wish escapes from between your teeth
(a cavity in the brain,
it's acid, it's acid. it's acid.
pleasant thoughts poison the mind)
end, life. end.
(wade into the ocean,
salt fills your lungs that shrivel up
like slugs in the desert sun)
sleep.
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Comments: 36
Well hello again Jaani! I'll be reviewing this for Writers Review.
The first thing I noticed was, of course, your sense of metaphor i've never heard. The honeycomb line was one that made me stop reading and appreciate.
The next line makes me pause a bit, but what really threw me off was the use of both past and present tense (was, is) in the piece. I've heard this kind of statement "When I was...is when" but it isn't grammatically correct so it made me stop and not in the good way I mentioned before. I was change "is" to "was" and that'd clean that bit up.
The next thing that threw me off were the last two lines of the second stanza. The lashes/eyelids/fingers thing is lost with me. I'm not sure what I'd consider doing with it. It sounds pretty, I just don't understand it.
The next stanza is wonderfully written. I enjoy it quite a bit and the final two, I include sleep in this, were really well written.
The problem I had with the piece is the lack of cohesiveness in the imagery. All of these pictures you put into the piece are great ones standing alone, but together they seem a bit jumbled. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for or if it's the fact you wrote it in such a short amount of time. Either way, I enjoyed reading it.
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thank you very very much for your review. i never really "go for" anything in my writing... i usually just write... kind of a jack keruac mentality, i suppose. and the when i was is when thing, i did not know that, actually. o.e thank you for clearing that up for me! (english isn't really my native language, but i've known it long enough... i SHOULD'VE known that i suppose haha.) Oh and the eyelashes thing i meant that the top lashes joined fingers with the bottom lashes.
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Oh wow! Thank you for clearing that picture up with me. That's a wonderful image I just wish the wording was a bit clearer because the description of the line just made my eyes go "O.O"
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hahaha i think a little blurriness in imagery is good sometimes
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There are some schools of thought that would agree , but the problem is if people don't understand the image, it eliminates the full potential of it.
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yeah that's true! but hey i'm on a learning curve... we'll see what happens 
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No, no....
Thank you...
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Beautiful poem, full of wonderful emotion and imagery. Awesome job!
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thank you very very much
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Wonderful imagery, even if only done in two minutes. You have a future as a writer.
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thank you very much mr smile
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The pleasure is all mine.
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thank you very much :3
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Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features .
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thank you soo soo so so soooo very very very much <333 Q~Q
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A little obscure, but there are some beautifully written lines in the first and second stanzas.
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2 minutes? wow! this was eloquent. so beautiful.
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thank you very much
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This is so brilliant.
That third stanza, "a wish escapes from between your teeth
(a cavity in the brain,
it's acid, it's acid. it's acid.
pleasant thoughts poison the mind)
end, life. end."
That's got to be my favorite part.
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thank you very very very much.
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You're quite welcome~
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"your lashes weighing down your eyelids"
There are such beautiful little touches in this poem.
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thank you very much
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There is a lot of interesting imagery here and a great hook there at the beginning ("when i was almost god").
It had a good flow to it and the end of this was particularly powerful.
"dances" --> I think it should be "danced"
(wade into the ocean,
salt fills you lungs...) --> you begin this with a command, then switch to narration. so you could say "wading into the ocean" or "as you wade..." etc.
an interesting piece overall, nice work
--#BuildingBetterPoets
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thank you. i might actually change dances to danced, however, the wade into the ocean part i kind of meant it to be that way. >.> thank you very very much for your feedback, i appreciate it. <33
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