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jaffycakes — Hope
Published: 2006-05-05 16:50:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 337; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 10
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Description
To hope for something,Is to long for something so p u r e
To course through your veins
And to unlatch that door.
To hope for something,
Is to want for something so b a d
That you're stuck in denial
For that thing you've never had.
To hope for something,
Is to pray for something so h a r d
That sometimes it can hurt
And your soul could end up marred.
To hope for something,
Is to wish for something so t r u e
That it fixes upon your mind
And never again be new.
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Comments: 22
i have a few problems with this poem.
the rhyme scheme is rather bland and generic... there are umpteen poems with the same general structure, and once in a while, it's nice to see something different.
in the first stanza, i don't see the association between the two images, of the coursing through the veins, and the door part. it sounds like you were just searching desperately for something to rhyme with 'pure'. i found the same case with the 'hard' and 'marred' stanza... the phrase sounds rather forced.
also, the last stanza was rather... confusing. not only did it have the problem of the forced rhyme, but the two bits didn't even seem to fit together. i dunno what it is, you're missing a verb or something in the last line... it's not clicking... 'it fixes upon your mind and never be new'. say it to yourself a few times and you'll get what i mean. i'm pretty sure it's a conflict in verb tenses.
overall, i think this poem is written too literally and the repetition of the first lines of each stanza left a bitter taste in my mouth. and i'd like to think that a piece that can make 'poem of the week' would be something that stands out from the rest of the stuff that is out there.
good luck in your future writing endeavors.
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Well thanks for letting me know.
I do not read your comment with anger, for I know I am not a good writer, but I try hard in all that I do.
If you look at some of my other deviations, you will see that most of them seem to follow a rhyme scheme. I know rhyme schemes are bland, but that is the way I feel most comfortable writing.
In the first stanza, there is a meaning of the coursing through the veins, and it does fit in with the opening of the door. The poem is talking about hope, and the different ways we hope. The first stanza implies that there is something within all of us that races around in our veins. But it has to find the right path to get to the centre of our being, and to "open the door", so to speak.
I agree that the "hard" and "marred" does sound kinda forced. I did have difficulty in finding a rhyming word that condensed my ideas properly and went along with the feel of the poem. Marred was the best I could come up with, and although I didn't feel it was the best option, I regarded it as the only one I could think of at that time. It fitted in well with the whole idea of wanting so bad that it can scar you for life - if only mentally.
I understand how you can think of the last stanza as being confusing. However, the underlying intention in that last line was to show how hope can confuse and frustrate you. I personally don't think that the last stanza has forced rhyme - the meaning of the last two lines were to show that when you long for something for such a long time, it imprints itself on your mind forever. And so it is old - it will never again be new. And I think that it es sense in the context I tried to use.
I would go back and change the things that aren't right - but I never change a piece of work I have submitted. I will always keep them up there. If I receive many comments like yours then I may move them to my scraps, but I will not delete them. I know my work isn't good, but I am trying. That's why I became a member of a poetry group, that's why I'm submitting deviations. To get comments like these.
So thank you for telling me what's wrong, and I will bear it in mind in the future. [Or try to remember anyway!]
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don't get me wrong, it's not the rhyming words that sound forced, it's the way they were placed... awkward sentence structure is usually the culprit.
writing is all about trying new things. i remember starting out at your age, writing the same kind of stuff as you did. the best way to improve is to step out of the box, write about something different, try a different form, fool around with metaphors and similes and other literary devices. of course you feel safe in this format... it's what we're taught in school, and it's what we know.
i'm not saying you should change yourself to please the poetic community. i'm saying this because you stated that you don't think you're a good writer. if you want to be, just know that it comes with time, age, maturity, experience and practice!
so keep it up. if you can gracefully accept a critique like that and confidently justify what you've written, then you definitely have what it takes. good luck.
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Yeah, I guess I will try to "step out of the box" as you put it. I will fool around with different things. It's just at the moment I feel more confident with writing in a rhyme scheme. But I guess there will be other times where there won't be a rhyme scheme, and my work will be completely new to me.
I hopefully look forward to comments on my further works as so I can learn from mistakes and hopefully become better at what I do.
Thanks.
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Thank you very muchly :] Yay you're a Nightwish fan! [And a Twizted one, too?]
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Nightwish is awesome.
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I love NightWish. I only recently started listening to them, but I downloaded some of their songs. I think my favourite must be Within Temptation. What about you?
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I wish I had an angel...
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Yeah, I guessed from the signature that might be one of your favourites.
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Lol I guess you could say that...
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Pretty cool. One tiny crit- using the adjective "coarse" adds no double meaning, fix the typo to "course", the verb.
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Ah thank you very much - did not spot that ^__^ Will change it.
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Congratulations this poem is The-Last-Stanza's poem of the week.
Selected by *infernal-raynata
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hey this is pretty kewl... for some one who doesn`t smile! lol
im not online much atm cause im on holiday for a month...to japan! yey! its going good so far, i have some pics if ya wanna check em out.
[link]
let me know what ya think!
-Michael-
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