Comments: 31
UniqueStrangeAwesome [2015-06-10 12:13:54 +0000 UTC]
That's the problem with glass eyes you know; you can only see distorted reflections of what's inside you and she never liked what she saw.
^^ love this line.
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thundybear [2010-10-25 22:20:38 +0000 UTC]
Beautiful -- really. Such an interesting, flowing style. Metaphoric, but not sappy-cliche like so many of the works today are. I hope you keep on writing forever . . .
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Cat-Tracker [2010-07-22 01:06:57 +0000 UTC]
A completely interesting and new way to present cliches.
I would think that you did more than succeed, though. It felt like a triumph. I love the concept of the broken people and the theme that there is someone out there for everyone. At least, that's what I got from it.
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WorthlessxFate [2010-07-13 04:22:14 +0000 UTC]
My heart sir, has been reached.
The flow is fantastic, and this is a whole new spin on those cliches. Very fresh, and very sweet.
I teared up a little by the end.
--AK
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LovePuppers [2010-07-12 16:36:43 +0000 UTC]
These stories are really tugging at my heart.
They're really amazing.
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ContagiousPixie [2010-07-12 00:25:35 +0000 UTC]
This is amazing, stunning and with beautiful flow.
Metaphors galore, but my favourite kinds.
You nailed it. Feel wonderful and proud. I could never do as well.
Never give up writing Kody.
For one, you'll just leave more room for shitty teenage writing to overflow dA.
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masvida [2010-07-11 22:08:06 +0000 UTC]
Yes, you certainly did! Interesting how you keep coming back to the broken people who can't ever be fixed...
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ksmsoccer89 In reply to masvida [2010-07-13 04:35:48 +0000 UTC]
thank you. and well theres a reason why i do that. its because im one of those people...
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masvida In reply to ksmsoccer89 [2010-07-13 14:33:24 +0000 UTC]
Aren't we all?
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ksmsoccer89 In reply to masvida [2010-07-13 23:07:05 +0000 UTC]
i suppose you have a point.
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Vivalegato [2010-07-11 17:51:40 +0000 UTC]
Beautiful it almost made me happy-cry. i have felt these motions and you describe them so well.
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breakdownandfall [2010-07-11 07:01:51 +0000 UTC]
This is quite pretty. (:
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blueeyedgirl26 [2010-07-11 06:57:56 +0000 UTC]
Awww. This one is greattt!! I lava it! : D
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Chiherah [2010-07-11 06:50:28 +0000 UTC]
What can I say but simply beautiful? The extended metaphor that resonated throughout the piece really is exquisite. I had no problems comprehending this prose and the use of pathos is wonderful. I congratulate you, as you have exceeded your goal and beyond~
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daneh94 [2010-07-11 03:03:22 +0000 UTC]
I loved it
Loved the way you took typical cliche phrases and made something different of them. The words and imagery fit so neatly, it makes it easy to picture it all. Beautifully done.
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mehdi-vampire [2010-07-11 01:46:23 +0000 UTC]
For quite good many years, I have believed that those clichΓ©s should be eliminated since they are quite useless and of no importance at all, they make of love itself a clichΓ©. I find it vain to express such a noble feeling with clichΓ©d piece. How dreadful when I hear someone repeating this over and over.
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Amaya-K-Lilium [2010-07-10 11:32:52 +0000 UTC]
Minus the cliches, this piece is incredibly fresh and original, so I would say you succeeded. The flow works pretty well except for a few spots.
-"...and a past that was better left untold."
You return to the pocket-watch heart and sandpaper skin metaphors, but I don't think you ever return to his past (unless I'm completely missing something). I guess it's not a huge deal, but if you were to cut this out it would make that sentence a bit shorter and thus easier to read. It's really up to you, though.
-"His heart used to tick effortlessly and his skin wasn't always that rough you know."
I like this sentence, and I think I see where you were trying to go with it, but it doesn't feel like it fits with the other sentences. It sort of reads like half of a thought, so maybe if you added something to it it would fit better?
-"...as they pumped out her mouth..." You used "out" in this sentence twice. As a personal preference, I'd change this part of the sentence to "as they pumped from her mouth" or something similar. (If I'm being incredibly anal, I apologize. =/)
-"He was hoping it wouldn't come to him having to choose between his heart ticking once again and his lungs expiring oxygen no more."
You started to pose a choice, but it seems like the second half of the sentence is one single choice, or am I reading that wrong?
-"...and he grew numb and he tried..."
If you wanted to, you could change the second and to "so".
As always, your metaphors and imagery are gorgeous.
-I really, really, really like the pocket-watch heart metaphor, especially the bit at the end where he decides not to fix it so time wouldn't past and he could live in that moment for forever. 8D I also like the line "When they were together, you could hear the little hand and big hand scratching at his ribcage because they were trying to move, but his lungs would always get in the way." It's very creative, original, and absolutely brilliant.
-I don't think I've ever heard anything like the glass eyes metaphor. You did a very nice job with it, especially with it reflecting what's inside of her and the boy replacing her eyes with his own.
-The secret metaphor is so cute. "He planted his lips on hers and when he pulled away she finally exhaled a secret legible enough for him to read it."
All in all, beautiful job. I didn't click with the girl so much, but my heart really went out to your male character.
If this comment doesn't make sense, I apologize. It's 7:30am and I haven't slept yet tonight, so I'm a bit out of it.
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celticlamb [2010-07-10 08:09:07 +0000 UTC]
I'd say: Win.
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DerFluch [2010-07-10 07:17:41 +0000 UTC]
you did succeed
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A-Symmetry [2010-07-10 06:21:40 +0000 UTC]
You DID succeed. The imagery is good, it flows smoothly, but I liked how you twisted cliche phrases into something else altogether. Really nice.
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