HOME | DD

ksmsoccer89 β€” Cliche Me
Published: 2010-07-10 06:14:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 1758; Favourites: 53; Downloads: 6
Redirect to original
Description i.
"They fell in love at first-sight."

He was the boy with the pocket-watch heart that no longer told time and the sandpaper skin that she was afraid to touch and a past that was better left untold. His heart used to tick effortlessly and his skin wasn't always that rough you know. She was the girl with the glass eyes and the broken smile and a secret for each breath she exhausted. Sometimes if you were lucky enough you could make out the words as they pumped out her mouth but she made sure to purse her lips when around him.

ii.
"I am nothing without you."

When she wasn't around he would count his steps so he knew how far he had walked without her hand in his. She would lie on her roof and count the stars and let out a secret for each one; a secret she was too scared to let him see. When they were together, you could hear the little hand and big hand scratching at his ribcage because they were trying to move, but his lungs would always get in the way. He was hoping it wouldn't come to him having to choose between his heart ticking once again and his lungs expiring oxygen no more. She would try and look into his eyes but get so frustrated because she would always only see the back of her head. That's the problem with glass eyes you know; you can only see distorted reflections of what's inside you and she never liked what she saw.

iii.
"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be alive."

His nerve endings malfunctioned once and he grew numb and he tried to bring them in but they wouldn't give him his money back. When he started losing his mind he went to the doctor but they said there was nothing they could do to reverse it and took all the money in his wallet. Then when his heart stopped ticking he took it in to a repairman and he was told he would have to fix it himself. He never found out how. She used to have the prettiest eyes and perfect vision and was always about the details. She was very observant of everything around her and then one day she took a good look in the mirror. She knew the world wasn't near perfect but had never realized how imperfect she was until she saw for herself. Ever since, she's only been able to see what's right in front of her and the ugly truth that lies inside her. She always liked to fix everyone else and when she first met him, she vowed she would make him whole. Too bad she never learned how to fix herself.

iv.
"You complete me."

Alone, they were the two most dysfunctional people one could meet, but together, for some reason, they worked. She wore away the rough edges of his skin and he replaced her glass eyes with replicas of his, so for once she could see how much he thought of her. He clawed away at his chest until he broke through his breastplate and removed the fragments of his once functional pocket-watch heart and placed them on the bedside table. He no longer wanted it fixed because then time would start passing him by again and he knew he wanted to live in this moment forever. She smiled her still broken smile but he loved it anyways and never wanted it to change. He planted his lips on hers and when he pulled away she finally exhaled a secret legible enough for him to read it.
I've been waiting for you my whole life. The wait was more than worth it.
Related content
Comments: 31

UniqueStrangeAwesome [2015-06-10 12:13:54 +0000 UTC]

That's the problem with glass eyes you know; you can only see distorted reflections of what's inside you and she never liked what she saw.
^^ love this line.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

thundybear [2010-10-25 22:20:38 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful -- really. Such an interesting, flowing style. Metaphoric, but not sappy-cliche like so many of the works today are. I hope you keep on writing forever . . .

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Cat-Tracker [2010-07-22 01:06:57 +0000 UTC]

A completely interesting and new way to present cliches.
I would think that you did more than succeed, though. It felt like a triumph. I love the concept of the broken people and the theme that there is someone out there for everyone. At least, that's what I got from it.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

writes-onherheart [2010-07-14 15:27:04 +0000 UTC]

Never stop writing.
I look forward to reading your work
its absolutely amazing.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

WorthlessxFate [2010-07-13 04:22:14 +0000 UTC]

My heart sir, has been reached.

The flow is fantastic, and this is a whole new spin on those cliches. Very fresh, and very sweet.
I teared up a little by the end.

--AK

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

LovePuppers [2010-07-12 16:36:43 +0000 UTC]

These stories are really tugging at my heart.
They're really amazing.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

ContagiousPixie [2010-07-12 00:25:35 +0000 UTC]

This is amazing, stunning and with beautiful flow.
Metaphors galore, but my favourite kinds.
You nailed it. Feel wonderful and proud. I could never do as well.

Never give up writing Kody.
For one, you'll just leave more room for shitty teenage writing to overflow dA.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

masvida [2010-07-11 22:08:06 +0000 UTC]

Yes, you certainly did! Interesting how you keep coming back to the broken people who can't ever be fixed...

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

ksmsoccer89 In reply to masvida [2010-07-13 04:35:48 +0000 UTC]

thank you. and well theres a reason why i do that. its because im one of those people...

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

masvida In reply to ksmsoccer89 [2010-07-13 14:33:24 +0000 UTC]

Aren't we all?

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

ksmsoccer89 In reply to masvida [2010-07-13 19:42:44 +0000 UTC]

idk maybe.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

masvida In reply to ksmsoccer89 [2010-07-13 22:16:26 +0000 UTC]

we'll see.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

ksmsoccer89 In reply to masvida [2010-07-13 23:07:05 +0000 UTC]

i suppose you have a point.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Vivalegato [2010-07-11 17:51:40 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful it almost made me happy-cry. i have felt these motions and you describe them so well.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

DES003 [2010-07-11 07:25:46 +0000 UTC]

This is an amazing piece. I almost didn't notice the cliches because they are so creatively written; it was very refreshing

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

DemyxsX6XWrongXNotes [2010-07-11 07:03:33 +0000 UTC]

(:
that's cuuuteeee,.

(and oh how i promise you i said that with the taste of sarcasm caressing my tongue, but with the kiss of longing corroding my lips.)

I love what your shtufffff makes me think of.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

breakdownandfall [2010-07-11 07:01:51 +0000 UTC]

This is quite pretty. (:

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

blueeyedgirl26 [2010-07-11 06:57:56 +0000 UTC]

Awww. This one is greattt!! I lava it! : D

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Chiherah [2010-07-11 06:50:28 +0000 UTC]

What can I say but simply beautiful? The extended metaphor that resonated throughout the piece really is exquisite. I had no problems comprehending this prose and the use of pathos is wonderful. I congratulate you, as you have exceeded your goal and beyond~

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

pandanose [2010-07-11 05:03:02 +0000 UTC]

i love it reminds me of me

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

daneh94 [2010-07-11 03:03:22 +0000 UTC]

I loved it
Loved the way you took typical cliche phrases and made something different of them. The words and imagery fit so neatly, it makes it easy to picture it all. Beautifully done.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

mehdi-vampire [2010-07-11 01:46:23 +0000 UTC]

For quite good many years, I have believed that those clichΓ©s should be eliminated since they are quite useless and of no importance at all, they make of love itself a clichΓ©. I find it vain to express such a noble feeling with clichΓ©d piece. How dreadful when I hear someone repeating this over and over.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

ksmsoccer89 In reply to mehdi-vampire [2010-07-11 06:50:16 +0000 UTC]

so that means you hated it?

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

mehdi-vampire In reply to ksmsoccer89 [2010-07-11 13:09:57 +0000 UTC]

No, at all. I liked how you talked of these clichΓ©s in an original way. I find your piece a quite decent one. ( I mentioned piece in my comment, ooops! I wanted to say using these clichΓ©s to express love. I didn't mean your piece

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

MsStarryDuck [2010-07-10 18:07:36 +0000 UTC]

This was beautiful. I'd say you succeeded. The flow works well and the imagery was solid. They reached my heart

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Amaya-K-Lilium [2010-07-10 11:32:52 +0000 UTC]

Minus the cliches, this piece is incredibly fresh and original, so I would say you succeeded. The flow works pretty well except for a few spots.
-"...and a past that was better left untold."
You return to the pocket-watch heart and sandpaper skin metaphors, but I don't think you ever return to his past (unless I'm completely missing something). I guess it's not a huge deal, but if you were to cut this out it would make that sentence a bit shorter and thus easier to read. It's really up to you, though.
-"His heart used to tick effortlessly and his skin wasn't always that rough you know."
I like this sentence, and I think I see where you were trying to go with it, but it doesn't feel like it fits with the other sentences. It sort of reads like half of a thought, so maybe if you added something to it it would fit better?
-"...as they pumped out her mouth..." You used "out" in this sentence twice. As a personal preference, I'd change this part of the sentence to "as they pumped from her mouth" or something similar. (If I'm being incredibly anal, I apologize. =/)
-"He was hoping it wouldn't come to him having to choose between his heart ticking once again and his lungs expiring oxygen no more."
You started to pose a choice, but it seems like the second half of the sentence is one single choice, or am I reading that wrong?
-"...and he grew numb and he tried..."
If you wanted to, you could change the second and to "so".

As always, your metaphors and imagery are gorgeous.
-I really, really, really like the pocket-watch heart metaphor, especially the bit at the end where he decides not to fix it so time wouldn't past and he could live in that moment for forever. 8D I also like the line "When they were together, you could hear the little hand and big hand scratching at his ribcage because they were trying to move, but his lungs would always get in the way." It's very creative, original, and absolutely brilliant.
-I don't think I've ever heard anything like the glass eyes metaphor. You did a very nice job with it, especially with it reflecting what's inside of her and the boy replacing her eyes with his own.
-The secret metaphor is so cute. "He planted his lips on hers and when he pulled away she finally exhaled a secret legible enough for him to read it."

All in all, beautiful job. I didn't click with the girl so much, but my heart really went out to your male character.
If this comment doesn't make sense, I apologize. It's 7:30am and I haven't slept yet tonight, so I'm a bit out of it.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

celticlamb [2010-07-10 08:09:07 +0000 UTC]

I'd say: Win.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Forbidden-Lover [2010-07-10 07:41:38 +0000 UTC]

its very good i think it did succeed. u turned the rather cliche quotes everyone has before and applied them to potential real life situations. it is very original. and somethin that would be marked quite high in the HSC just for the originality of it if u were here in australia. keep it up. i look forward to seein more of ur writing and how it develops xx

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

DerFluch [2010-07-10 07:17:41 +0000 UTC]

you did succeed

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

urban-lingo [2010-07-10 06:35:19 +0000 UTC]

you use beautiful words. the pocketwatch heart part was quite genius

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

A-Symmetry [2010-07-10 06:21:40 +0000 UTC]

You DID succeed. The imagery is good, it flows smoothly, but I liked how you twisted cliche phrases into something else altogether. Really nice.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0