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Kuraiou — Not Too Long Ago
Published: 2009-04-21 23:50:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 230; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 13
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When I was youngI would never, ever cry
It was a promise I had made to myself
blinded by naivety
I did not understand the way the world worked
But I made this promise, and I kept it
And then she broke my heart.
Always or a girl;
not too long ago, I had sworn I would never cry again.
I had learned my lesson.
Touch hedgehog, get stabbed.
Cut to little pieces.
Not too long ago I was in love.
And I swore I would not hurt her and she would not hurt me.
And I cursed and hated myself because it was all lies.
Those were halcyon days, looking back, because
although every second was agony and pain
at least I had those feelings, at least I felt
that I could fight the rising bile in my throat.
And then I gave up.
But something of that remained;
the shell I had erected remained with a crack.
And now I cry at everything.
I hear a woman speak of how she survived the holocaust
and my heart catches in my chest.
I see an old man, beautiful and wise, and all I feel
is a sense of loss, pre-emptive.
He will not live beyond the year.
He will not get to share his creativity much longer.
I ran out of clever turns of phrase.
My well had not run dry, but I no longer saw the point
in playing around with language.
There was no fun in it any more.
There was only the realization that, no matter what I wrote,
I was playing with myself,
alone,
and it is always a girl that has to make me break my shell,
and it is always a girl who is too afraid to reach in and pull out what lies inside.
