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Description
This is gonna be personal. I'm sorry about that. But this is a topic that is close to me, and something that more and more young people struggle with.

Suicide.

I have been struggling with depression and big mood swings since I was around 13, 14 years old. I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. Didn't manage to go through with it. Nobody knew about it. Second time I tried to do it was when I was around 23. Apparently, I failed that time too.

Between those two times I have done what I could to make the pain bearable. Mental illness is not fun to live with. It's really hard. Not only the illness it self, but in my case, to be told my doctors and other "experts" that I'm not sick, I'm not depressed. That I should just pull my self together and stop this silliness.

Not everyone understand how it is. When I was in class and we read about suicide, my classmates had no understanding for how it is. They could not understand the feeling and the pain that drives some people to end their lives. I understood, for I have been there many times. The comment my classmates said, they hurt so bad inside me.

Here in Sweden, mental illness is treated as a weakness. If you are depressed you are weak and a failure. If you go to a shrink and talk, you are weak and miserable. And young women that are trying to harm them self are put in mental prisons with murderers. They are being punished for being sick. So I understand if people suffer in silence. For who would dare say they feeling really bad, when the people around them might just not understand and make it worse.

Not all people that hurt them selfs do it to get help. Not all people that hurt them selfs want to get caught. I didn't. When I hurt my self it was not a call for help, I didn't wanted to be seen and make other feel pity for me. I simply did it to numb the pain. Physical is so much easier to handle than mental pain. When your arm hurt, you know that your arm hurt. You can see it being hurt and you can handle it.

But when your inside hurt, when your feelings is hurting, your mind and everything inside you just cramps up. And you just want to cry and cry and cry and hide from the world. When nothing seem to be worth all this deep sharp, blackness in you mind, when all you can think about is to get away from it all. To be free from this invisible prison. To be able to live a normal life without being thrown either into deep abyss of despair or being loved by the world. It's not that easy to handle. I have no idea what to do when I'm falling towards the bottomless pit of darkness in my heart. I have no quick ways to get up again. I can't take my life either, I'm not strong enough. Though sometimes I'm really thinking about it. I just have to keep living this. I know I sometime will get better, feel better and be on top of everything again. But till then there is this huge sea of darkness, negative thoughts and self doubt I'm drowning in every single day.

----

I guess it sometimes have it's perks to be depressed, I got this idea some days ago when I was feeling really down and under. I thought about it how I best could show this in picture. I know I had to use my dolls, and I'm very pleased with the outcome of it. I'm very pleased actually. Damn proud even.

And to you that know my dolls, no, Junie (the doll portrayed in this pictures) is not suicidal, nor has he ever been. This was done for my own personal needs.

Thank you for reading this wall of text. I appreciated it very much.

THANK YOU ALL for the love I have gotten on this deviation! I'm so honored and blown away from all the comments and likes and stories you have told me.

And thank you for suggesting this as a DD! And thank you for feature his as a DD

To all that is worried that I'm thinking about killing my self, you can rest assure that I'm not. I might fee down in darkness again, but I will always find my way back again. I always survive. And now I have so many stories to tell, so many picture to take, and so many hobbies to and friends to live for. Do not worry about me, I'm OK

__________________________
Photography© =lajvio
My photography is NOT stock. Do not reuse, repost or redistribute without my permission.

Description
This is gonna be personal. I'm sorry about that. But this is a topic that is close to me, and something that more and more young people struggle with.

Suicide.

I have been struggling with depression and big mood swings since I was around 13, 14 years old. I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. Didn't manage to go through with it. Nobody knew about it. Second time I tried to do it was when I was around 23. Apparently, I failed that time too.

Between those two times I have done what I could to make the pain bearable. Mental illness is not fun to live with. It's really hard. Not only the illness it self, but in my case, to be told my doctors and other "experts" that I'm not sick, I'm not depressed. That I should just pull my self together and stop this silliness.

Not everyone understand how it is. When I was in class and we read about suicide, my classmates had no understanding for how it is. They could not understand the feeling and the pain that drives some people to end their lives. I understood, for I have been there many times. The comment my classmates said, they hurt so bad inside me.

Here in Sweden, mental illness is treated as a weakness. If you are depressed you are weak and a failure. If you go to a shrink and talk, you are weak and miserable. And young women that are trying to harm them self are put in mental prisons with murderers. They are being punished for being sick. So I understand if people suffer in silence. For who would dare say they feeling really bad, when the people around them might just not understand and make it worse.

Not all people that hurt them selfs do it to get help. Not all people that hurt them selfs want to get caught. I didn't. When I hurt my self it was not a call for help, I didn't wanted to be seen and make other feel pity for me. I simply did it to numb the pain. Physical is so much easier to handle than mental pain. When your arm hurt, you know that your arm hurt. You can see it being hurt and you can handle it.

But when your inside hurt, when your feelings is hurting, your mind and everything inside you just cramps up. And you just want to cry and cry and cry and hide from the world. When nothing seem to be worth all this deep sharp, blackness in you mind, when all you can think about is to get away from it all. To be free from this invisible prison. To be able to live a normal life without being thrown either into deep abyss of despair or being loved by the world. It's not that easy to handle. I have no idea what to do when I'm falling towards the bottomless pit of darkness in my heart. I have no quick ways to get up again. I can't take my life either, I'm not strong enough. Though sometimes I'm really thinking about it. I just have to keep living this. I know I sometime will get better, feel better and be on top of everything again. But till then there is this huge sea of darkness, negative thoughts and self doubt I'm drowning in every single day.

----

I guess it sometimes have it's perks to be depressed, I got this idea some days ago when I was feeling really down and under. I thought about it how I best could show this in picture. I know I had to use my dolls, and I'm very pleased with the outcome of it. I'm very pleased actually. Damn proud even.

And to you that know my dolls, no, Junie (the doll portrayed in this pictures) is not suicidal, nor has he ever been. This was done for my own personal needs.

Thank you for reading this wall of text. I appreciated it very much.

THANK YOU ALL for the love I have gotten on this deviation! I'm so honored and blown away from all the comments and likes and stories you have told me.

And thank you for suggesting this as a DD! And thank you for feature his as a DD

To all that is worried that I'm thinking about killing my self, you can rest assure that I'm not. I might fee down in darkness again, but I will always find my way back again. I always survive. And now I have so many stories to tell, so many picture to take, and so many hobbies to and friends to live for. Do not worry about me, I'm OK

__________________________
Photography© =lajvio
My photography is NOT stock. Do not reuse, repost or redistribute without my permission.