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LugiaLuvr13 — In the End
Published: 2011-10-08 09:29:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 3880; Favourites: 152; Downloads: 29
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Description
In the end,We try to pretend,
Everything's fine,
And you're still mine.
But you aren't,
And you can't,
Stand to be,
Around me.
We're upside down,
And running around,
Trying to find,
What we left behind.
But what do we do,
I wish I knew,
How to fix it,
Even if only a bit.
I love you,
More than you knew,
But you didn't know,
I wish I could show,
How I feel,
But your heart's like steel,
You've rejected me now,
And I don't know how,
I'll be able to look at you again...
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Comments: 135
it's ok, this poem makes people do that -hugs you if it's ok-
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I like hugs so it's fine ^^
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Let me start by saying that there's a lot of emotion in this piece, and I can feel that. I appreciate that fact. You did a good job of conveying that.
However, I do see some flaws in this piece. To be frank, the language you've used is a little bland. There's no imagery. There's no soul. I mean, the words are there, and I get what you're writing about, it's just dull. What am I meant to see when I read this? I mean, I get the feelings you're trying to convey, but only because they're fairly simplistic emotions. In the end, I have no real insight into how this experience is unique to you, or to the person you're writing about, or whatever. It just feels...generic.
And, oh man, you have got to stop throwing commas at the end of every line. It's fine to end a line with no punctuation. The traditional role of the comma is to indicate when a reader or speaker should pause, and if you say these lines to yourself aloud, you'll notice that you have no reason to pause in 90% of the places you've inserted a comma.
Just my two cents. It's a good start.
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thanks for the suggestions
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No problem! Always happy to offer advice to a fellow writer.
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I really like this 
Reminds me of my ex haha :/
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thanks ^^ wow, thanks a lot for the favs and watch O.o
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If you don't mind my suggesting, try deleting some of the punctuation so it flows a little better... it sounds kind of choked. But overall, the lines are AMAZING!!!
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heh thanks for the suggestion, but i think i'll leave it the way it is, i like it this way, and thanks ^^ that means a lot
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No problem. That's what art in Literature is all about. It's about how it works for you.
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So beautiful ♥ I wish my poems were as enchanting as yours.
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wow thanks ^^ i'm sure they are
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Nah. c: Congrats on front page too, btw.
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thank you, that means so much to me!
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You just gotta move on.
But the love drug is EVIL. It doesn't forgive. You go through a paaaaaainful withdrawal
It's like heroin. Someone should make Oxytocin illegal. And the girls that cause it to course through your veins.
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sounds like my current predicament... especially that last part :<
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awwwk i hope things get better
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This is my friend. She is really depressed but idk what to do or say to make her feel better, Than when i say to come back from her bad ways she just says. "If only you knew."
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Yup! But anyways!!!! Good poem, i love your writing
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Reading it again ] no prob lol it awsome so going to show my friends if u dont mind
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O.o you don't have to, thanks!
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do you somehow sense that in my heart? i guess, sometimes when chances slipped through us, we could never find them back. now that it has become awkward. i put down my pride and everything and said sorry which i've never done such thing before. but perhaps it's fate that we couldn't go on anymore. love is not just about the two. it's far more than that.
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thanks for the poem
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