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Mari-Limmy β White Ice -Page 02-
Published: 2010-06-08 02:38:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 2224; Favourites: 36; Downloads: 0
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Description
Script:
Pencils:
Inks and Tones:
Kori (c) *Mari-Limmy
Shiro (c) ~WhitePhox
stuff from SRA (c) SEGA XD
Page 01
Page 03
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Comments: 33
esta muy bueno me gustan los diceΓ±os de los personajes y me gustari saber... ΒΏq programa usas para hacer este web comic?
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Gracias ^^ usamos el Manga Studio EX 4.0 :3
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aaaaand, i'm officially stupid-- forgot about the clicking on the pic itself thing .-.
so i don't double-post on the first page, i'll do it here. I personally think his mother is beautiful lol but anyway, what i notice is that the design on her clothing doesn't change or distort with the clothing's folds--though it's not that big of a deal; many artists do this
however, in that panel's a major problem: Perspective/Eye level
The perspective/vanishing point of the panel should coincide with the "eye-level" of that same panel. (the eye-level would usually be the literal eye-level of one char in the panel, but not necessarily--it's kinda hard to explain 
that is, based on how you drew Kori's mom, the eye level would be around, say, her own eye level. Then, based on the way the castle was drawn, the vanishing point would be somewhere above and behind it. Since the perspective/eye-level of the castle/character (respectively) do not match, the picture looks odd/awkward, unless they were standing on top of some hill away from the entrance--which doesn't seem to be the case. hehe, this kinda thing is easier to explain through example, so...
let's see... what else..?
Speech Bubble order
seems like this isn't really right to left, but that's besides the point. I can see how the order's supposed to go, esp. since some crossover into the next panel, but this is how i read it:
Kori's mom: We'll be back before you know it! Will you be ok alone?
Kori's mom: Alright, honey.
Kori: Y-yes, mother. don't worry
if anything, "alright, honey" should have gone in Kori's panel, or it could have crossed over into it, or it could have been moved farther right. Even if "Alright, honey" was supposed to go first, left takes precedence over right, while top takes precedence over every other direction, so yeah, just saying
language
well, you said i could, in the journal
"We'll be back soon before you notice"-->"We'll be back before you know it."
"Why do guards suddenly surrounded me?"-->"why did the guards suddenly surround me?"
*PHEW* now for page two XP
Everything's fine as far as the scenery goes, etc. so it's just language here.
"I'm fine alone"--> uh... "I can handle myself"? just reword
"There are problems!" --> "We have a problem!"
"He already beated a couple guards!"--> "He already beat blah blah"
also, that bear guy, or whoever, needs to address him like everyone else is-- with "your higness" and such. "Sure"--> "Yessir"
I hope you don't mind all this crit
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*Mari-Limmy already answered a few things, i'm going to add something about the first panel, like she said, it is like an introduction, the background with kori's mother is like a "two panel fused together" even you can see it in the movies like Dracula, where Count Dracula is behind the castle (like if he was a giant) expecting his new victim, or when someone tells a story and goes flash back sometimes having the character on a side whilelike there is a scene in a scene.
As for the order, it pretty much goes with what i said before D; it's from left to right, you see the castle, then the "Alright, honey" and then you see his mom and what she is saying from top down.
But thanks again for pointing it out D; there are a few mistakes in the traduction which i'm the one responsible.
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keep in mind about the first page, it was a start, Kori's mother wasn't supossed to be into the background, maybe i should managed the panel ruler layer to keep her away a liiitle just to show she's not inside of the panel anyway XD
browsing the pages, you can see, we did improve alot with the technique now we can manage the panels much better
and of course you have to read this in the "western" way (i think, it's noticeable)
thnx for the crit, i'll see how i can manage the english better
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lol it's ok.
As for kori's mother: using the patter like that is actually pretty normal in most mangas. 2nd: the first panel isn't supposed to be in perspective o_O She is just in front (actually there might be a mistake i forgot to let Aiky know when she inked it
and if the order looks odd it's cause well... it actually was not meant to be read right to left, hun XD;; if it was, i would've told in the comment.
Again, the order looks odd because his mom seems to be part of the panel... which she actually SHOULDN'T BE (but i admit it, that's a mistake i forgot to point out, but i thought it was understandable that she didn't belong to the first panel anyway...)
As for gramar, yeah i pointed those mistakes out myself, just we need to figure out how to fix them (probably I will, with photoshop)
but i disagree: "I'm fine alone" is acceptable, maybe doesn't sound too... "natural" but it's gramatically corect at last (maybe would sound better if it was "I'll be fine alone")
Also the "sure" doesn't sound rude to me XD; but yessir would be fine too.
(I'll see if i can fix the grammar stuff on photoshop, as for the other... i'll see what i can do)
It's cool, i like crits as long as they can be used to improve :3 now we'll have to see what we can actually be fixed and what not, but we'll look into it! thanks!
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Si, la pifiΓ© un poco con la traducciΓ³n D; es que como la traducimos directamente de espaΓ±ol, pero buenu, dentro de todo se rescata :c quedΓ³ muy buena la pΓ‘gina 8D
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lol pero esta bien, son errorcitos numa :33
(si quieren lo escribo en inglish XD yo no tengo problema pero avisenmen noma XD)
pero sii la pagina esta genial, ningun pequeΓ±ito errorcito de traduccion la haria ver mal
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"he already beated a few guards" just pointing out, I don't think that's proper O.o
whoops sorry. Very nice comic though!
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"he has already beat a few/some guards"
there. Beat is not a regular verb and it should be in present perfect, better? o.o
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I'm sorry I wasn't trying to criticize, I guess there really isn't anything you can do about it heh. And uh.. yeah yeah it's better. Ok i'm sorry. >_<
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lol no it's ok, the dialogues are originally done in spanish and then translated, so mistakes are usual XD
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oh hehe that makes sense ._. i guess i thought i was gonna be helpful, my bad D:
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My mistake translating that part XD;
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no you guys are fine! obviously you did so great on everything else, that didn't even matter! ^-^;;
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The pages so far looks like it was made by a professional manga artist o3o
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it's done in Manga Studio EX 4 wich does a professional result with the comic pages
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I know *v* That's thanks to ~WhitePhox and ~howlzapper <3 i'm also in love with this inking and tones so much
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AMO a Kori, sinceramente D: Es tan adooooorable!
Me encanta como esta yendo este comic xD Trabajan re bien las dos juntas, las expresiones y como los personajes entre si se diferencian con tanta facilidad. Los sirvientes en especial me resultan muy comicos :'D
Quiero mas! Mas, mas! xD
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jajaja gracias tatyyy 
ya la seguiremos, be patient XDD
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De nada :3 Kori-Kori es divino xD
Oki xD Pero no puedo esperar!
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pa ser sincera yo tmpoco xD ya tengo ganas d ver como va quedando la 3er pag!
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Can't wait to read more (:
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Ru-chaaaaan<3 (omg long time no see :'D)
thankies, we're giving our best *v* glad u like!
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( haha, hello! >U< D: i know, it's been awhile, i need to update )
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i missed you too! D: glad you liked this!!
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i already have completed one recently, but i want to post several pages per time, to make it more easier to read
and yaay i hope you're doing well!!
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all i think when i see his face in the last panel is "oh... so troublesome"
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