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“this is a safe space”

you sent me to a month of christian camp the summer that I came out to you-
a young (gay) scared child
you would think that the (scared) (child) part would come to mind first,
but it didn’t.
they made me run miles upon miles of hills,
threw bible verses and prayers at me
like it would cure my fear,
or rather, cure the gay out of the (scared) child
i was nothing less than terrified
self hating
i ran with rocks wedged into my shoes
so that they would slash my calves open,
when the boy in my group pointed it out,
i pretended that i was surprised.

most nights i woke up sweating like i was already in hell.
i was, wasn’t i?

“but this is a safe space”

love the sinner, hate the sin,
but I couldn’t separate the “sins” from who i was,
tried to kill myself twice that year
didn’t care when my doctor over-prescribed my anti-depressants
walked around so drugged that I couldn’t think clearly,
couldn’t love, couldn’t crush, couldn’t seem to exist outside of my head
maybe this was the answer,
am i still gay am i still gay am i still gay
played spin the bottle four minutes before i’d speed home to meet curfew,
drank too many bottles to forget
worked out four, five, six hours a day
lost weight until my body was a perfect girl
lightheaded hallways and doctor’s visits
is this a safe space?

“this is a safe space”

i was dragged to my pastor
given stacks of papers to read
about how homosexuality is the worst kind of downfall
it is difficult to see yourself demonized
that was the night i tore my skin apart for the first time in months
refused to eat for weeks
is this what redemption looks like
"this is true love
i have your best interests in mind—"
that is what he told me,
years before he was kicked out for lack of truths
my father felt betrayed
i had been cast aside long before the entire church
there is no such thing as perfect community

“this is a safe space”

another pastor told my mother
that true love was tough love,
and that in order for me to truly appreciate my recreation
she was to tear away all support
the only thing that i learned
was that nobody will help you
and nobody will believe you
except yourself.
that is not the gospel;
“good news” and love thy neighbor,
that is damnation and judgement, all the things
that my sunday school teachers told me were not a part of church
by “loving the sinner and hating the sin”
and you have cast me out
locked yourself in
i wonder who wakes up burning at night.