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MikkiMarie β Selfish Suicide
Published: 2013-11-25 20:24:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 185147; Favourites: 1895; Downloads: 33
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"People who kill themselves are selfish."Well, darling, let me tell you a story,
A story all too true.
A daughter who became a wife, a wife who became a mother.
A mother of three girls...
One just above the age of a toddler,
One at the age of twelve,
And one entering the life of a married adult.
Now, the youngest girl was watching television,
And the oldest at the neighbor's home.
The twelve year old daughter sat at a computer with her closest friend,
When something terrifying happened.
Her mother was in the kitchen, coughing.
The daughter, although unable to see her mother, only could imagine the situation.
The mother walked calmly past the daughter with tears rushing down her face,
And up the stairs she went,
Into her bedroom...
Locking the door behind her.
The daughter, hearing the door lock, didn't bother to check on her mother.
She decided to expect and hope for the best.
Five, maybe ten minutes passed, the daughter still sitting at the computer,
When the mother stumbled down the stairs.
The daughter panicked, as any daughter would.
"Mom," she said. "Did you take pills?"
A few seconds passed before a response.
"Yes."
The daughter demanded her friend to dial 911,
And so the friend did, her hands shaking and struggling to press the numbers.
The daughter and the friend quickly explained the situation.
"The ambulance will be there soon."
The daughter rushed to her mother, who was now collapsed on the floor,
And tried to hold her up, tried to keep her awake.
Minutes passed before the ambulance had arrived.
By that time, the youngest daughter had walked into the kitchen,
Only to find her mother on the floor.
"What happened to mommy?" she cried.
The oldest daughter, seeing the lights of the ambulance, ran into the house.
"What happened?" She screamed, her voice shaking.
The paramedics opened the door, and immediately asked...
"What happened to your mother?"
The twelve year old daughter, the one who witnessed it all,
Spoke in a trembling voice,
Explaining the situation.
People began to ask the mother...
"Why?"
... "I didn't want to bother her anymore."
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I was suicidal once. Dangerously so. I was in so much pain (emotionally) that I simply wanted to stop living. Not necessarily that I wanted to die, I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to wake up in the morning and not sob because I woke up. I wanted someone, anyone, to notice I was in trouble, but they didn't. I felt ignored, unloved, unwanted. More pain. No one would miss me. No one would care or cry. The obsessive thoughts never stopped. Not even with meds. It was continual torment, living in my own mind. A prison of torture I couldn't escape. Every harsh word ever spoken to me would replay in my mind endlessly, keeping me from sleeping. I often cried until I passed out from pure exhaustion, and dehydration no doubt. It didn't help that I'm already an insomniac. I'd get to bed around 2 or 3am, only to be up by 6:30am for school. I ran on 5 hours of sleep or less. And I rarely ate.
Yes, I'm fat. I'm not making excuses. I'm not blaming genetics, or medical conditions, or putting it another way like "I'm just fluffy" or "I'm big boned". I'm fat. It used to hurt when people would make fun of me for it. They didn't know that I almost never ate. They didn't know that despite giving a good several months to every diet and exercise plan imaginable, fat still clings to me like it's been attached by superglue.Β
I let other people tell me how I should feel about me. They were all too happy to do it, too. "No one will ever love you". "You're ugly". "You're lazy". "You're a waste of time". It only confirmed how I already felt. I was staring into an endless void of misery and it stared back. I was at the jumping off point. I no longer cared. I just couldn't keep going anymore.
That's when I voluntarily committed myself to a psychiatric hospital. Oddly, they helped me get over my suicidal thoughts, but not in a way they expected. I guess having to deal with chipper morning people when you're severely depressed, and being forced to literally sit in a circle to sing freaking Kumbaya (I wish I was lying about that, I really do) while the counselor on call plays his guitar can shift your deadly focus. I wanted to shove that guitar so far up that guy's backside that he'd emit music any time he so much as hiccuped.
At this point in my life, I've decided, no matter how depressed I get, I've lived through too much to throw in the towel now.
I've lived through:
Being raped when I was 4 years old.
Having my home being broken into when I was 6.
Having a friend die in the Murrah Building Bombing when I was 7.
Being hardcore bullied every single day, not just by class mates but by my own father.
Speaking of my father, he's an abusive narcissist, and I mean that in the classical definition of the word.
Having my very own mental terrorist/stalker in my 4th grade class.. who also lived literally just down the block from me.
Having stomach ulcers and suicidal thoughts because of said stalker.
Being sexually harassed in the 7th grade by another student.
Having horrible flashbacks to the OKC bombing when 9/11 happened.
Going into a psychiatric hospital.
Almost dying from pneumonia on Mother's Day in my senior year of high school.
Moving out and living with a total psycho. (Didn't realize she was nuts at the time)
Watching my dad file for divorce not 10 days after my mom's dad died.
Having emergency gall bladder surgery, after which I was told would have ruptured that very night if I hadn't gone to the ER, and because of how far I live from the nearest hospital, I would have died before they could get an ambulance to me.
Having been bitten by a Brown Recluse spider only months after my surgery.
Having had a rare and aggressive form of cancer called a Carcino-Sarcoma, which resulted in a full abdominal hysterectomy, 6 rounds of chemo (carbotaxol) and 3 rounds of brachytherapy radiation.
And those are just the major stressors of my life. That list doesn't account for the other every day bull that I've endured. I'm a survivor. I keep going because I don't have a choice. I've been forged in hell and I keep going anyway.
"PainΒ isΒ the breaking of the shellΒ that encloses yourΒ understanding." I know pain of all varieties. So I understand why someone would want to end their own pain. Not because they want to die, but because they can't see an end in sight and they can't bear the thought of going through another day of it.
ETA:: I'm only 28.
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..Awh.
This is.. something.Β Indescribable.
(I'm probably too late. I was just strolling around literature stuff, and came across this. I'm glad your mom is still alive.)
Y'know, you deserve a new watcher. <3
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People who say suicide is selfish may be right but it's also not a valid enough reason to not support suicide. Making depressed people feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts will only make it worse, and also every one is selfish so trying to use selfishness as a reason to not kill yourself isn't gonna work.
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No reason to make them feel guilty.
Just get them to open their eyes.
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Wow, thank you for posting this. I also liked that you put "Suicide eliminates all possibility of anything ever getting better." I'll post this somewhere where I can see it, but no one else can. I really like that. It's very helpful.Β
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I'm a mother, I keep my happy face on for my Daughter, but I'm not good enough for her, I often think she'd be happier somewhere else, I don't know what to do anymore, the pain hurts so much...
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You have to believe in yourself more, and it's okay if you aren't prefect you are only human. All you can do is your best and above everything else love your daughter, if you do that I'm sure things will turn out fine.
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No no, please i have a huge rant about this on my page, please read it.
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I'm glad someone understands that suicide isn't selfish, we're doing it for others...Β
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thanks for posting this...I'm glad to hear your mom is okay.
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This is literally, one of the saddest stories i have ever read.... Β My worst nightmare lived by another.... Β Β Suicide is NOT selfish, people who think that are, just.... nevermind. anyways, i'm glad you you and your mother are alright. Β Β
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I'm sorry but people's ignorance get me so angry. For one thing how dare they call the people who killed themselves "selfish". I find it strange because they only want the victim to survive for others, but what about the victims themselves? Don't you think that's ironic? It's like they don't care about the person who is REALLY suffering. One time, this kid in my class called a girl selfish for killing herself and I was so close to going off on him! Anyway, I'm glad you're mother is alive and okay now, I hope she's getting better.
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Wow how come you haven't written anything new
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It never helps anyone though. My dad killed himself when I was 3. everything became harder for everyone involved. I know that sometimes it seems like there is no way out but then just keep searching... there has to be a better answer somewhere. Thank u for this
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Thanks so much for posting this, i'm myself attempted suicide several times because of the pain of a depressive illness.Β I hope your mother's getting betterΒ
Anyone who thinks attempting suicide is "selfish" or a "cowards way" is a sh*t and a lowlife. Fuck you, you have no idea what it's like!
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Stay strong, even though we don't know you, everyone here is thinking of you!
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Thank you SO much dear friend!Β
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tN60yβ¦Β Β This video was made by a internet review before he committed suicide yesterday, whatever you're going through, I hope this helps you, and even though he did commit suicide that you don't have to take the same path, because people care about you.Β Even though we don't know you, we care.
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Gosh that was intense, so painful to watch someone and to know he's gone... I hope the guy in a better place now
Thanks a lot for your support
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You are truly welcome my friend.
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I cried... ;.; This is truly amazing. And I'm glad to hear your mother's alive... ^^
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When I read this I had to cry.
I'm not a mother yet I don't even know If I'll ever want to be a mother.
But the sad thing is, I feel like I could do the same thing as your mother did.
And I'm afraid.
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I got so mad at home that I wanted to kill myself. I put a knife against my throat when neither of my parents were home. I put down the knife after I thought about how bad it is to die.
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when thinking about suicide, do extreme stuff, do things u normally would not do, be the voice of ur generation, be colourful, in the edge, take lsd, weed, not cocaine or heroin, they make it worst.
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This definitely touches a cord with me. I'm so glad your mother made it through and I hope you're both doing well now. When I was twelve, spending the night in my older sister's bed, I couldn't wake her up in the morning. She had taken a full bottle of sleeping pills. She didn't make it. I've had many people over the years get angry on my behalf--angry that she did it at all, angry that she ensured I would be the one to find her when I was so young and loved her so much. They've called her selfish, called her a coward, called my crazy for never getting mad at her.
Well, it's not that fucking simple. Yes, it messed me up pretty bad until I got serious help. Yes, it devastated my family. But suicide is not a simple thing. April was sixteen, clinically depressed, and three days before she took those pills her birth mother, who she had searched years for, told her to her face that she was a mistake. Her birth mother told her that she never wanted to see her again.
We didn't learn of this until much later, and had no idea how bad things had really gotten for April, mentally and emotionally.
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Your story touched me deeply... I hope I will not forget this.
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Uh Bloody-Chivalry... uh no need to be an angry nut about this story ... not sure who you are ranting at but if it is the writer then this is a personal reflect, idea, belief and opinion of MikkieMarie...no need to be a bloody rude ass about it and yes everyone has a choice to live or die... this ladies mum also had that choice and she chose the path of death for her own reasons that's her prerogative not yours so calm that temper of yours. I'm not promoting suicide I am just saying calm the bloody hell down.
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Go fuck yourself its there choice to live or die, they owe you nothing.
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Dude, did you just read the title alone? Look at the writing. Look at the description. Calm down and see what a fool you're making of yourself by literally reading this book by its cover.
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To everyone saying that suicide is selfish. I implore you to remember one thing. People who attempt or succeed at taking their lives are MENTALLY ILL!
And also, to anyone saying that suicide is cowardly, that is selfish, arrogant, dismissive, and insulting. Not everyone was in the same situation, or has the same amount of mental fortitude as you. I attempted to take my own life two years back, because I was bullied day in day out and it never stopped. I did not, but not everyone in the same situation would have. Mental fortitude varies from person to person, as do the circumstances, which makes calling suicide selfish or cowardly, at least in my case, makes you seem arrogant and rude.
Alright personal rant over.
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Maybe suicide is selfish.
But making people stay alive when their lives are absolutely miserable just so you can feel comforted is selfish too.
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Also you have to notice that there isn't a human ever in the history of mankind that isn't/wasn't selfish. It's vital for our survival after all.
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Glad you got help to her. Ive had suicidal thoughts before but when they come i think to myself no im not gona kill myself i have a family and friends that love me and dreams i want to acomplish. i use to have to meditate on that untill those thoughts and feelings passed. now also i know thats not what i really want and i love my family. also listening to evanescence tournacit helped me to see the truth of what suicide does-the singer also describes a lot about the way i felt in many other evanecence songs.
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It's not selfishness it's depression, emotion,anger, and sadness all in one the only way out for them is death they don't seek out help cuz they can't find help. Your the selfish one for writing this true or not your selfishness makes those that committed suicide look bad when all they were was needing someone to help them.
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