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Moominaba — Where are we now?
Published: 2006-04-12 19:24:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 72; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description
Oh tell me now please where we areIt's so dark, I can't see far
I taste only dirt, I smell the earth
I feel so cold, I've lost my mirth
So tell me please where are we now?
How could this even be allowed?
I'd like to think it isn't true
But I know the truth, and so do you
So I ask once more, where are we
I really would like to see
The sun rising one more time
To hear once more a spoken rhyme
No more will I see a child play
His sacred laughter gone away
No more will I hear a puppy's bark
Where are we now? We're in the dark
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Comments: 6
i think maybe more structure would be helpful for you. you've got the ryhme, but to make it more sophisticated get away from so many couplets. i think especially because you're writing so maturely your rhyming and structure should complement that more.
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I always have a probelm with structure for I have no idea on how it should look like.
I never had any formal... anything actually.
Even my lit teacher has no idea on these kind of things.
Maybe you could give me some advice on how a poem should be structured and how this one could benefit from it?
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well personally i don't know how i would rearrange this one (i'd feel bad trying; it's yours) to make it seem more structured. (also, no poem should be structured any way but the way you do it!) but play around with some of the classic styles maybe, and then take some of their ideas, if not the full structure, for your own. i think a villanelle especially might be challenging to you; it's an especially thoughtful kind of poem to read, like the poetry you're writing. then take that and think about where you put your rhymes and if every line needs to be rhymed and repetition and flow. couplets are very choppy. make longer stanzas, with a rhyme from the first and last line. work into the middle with rhyme. i'm just spouting ideas; i feel bad saying all this to you when i'm in such a creative rut right now.
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There is nothing to feel bad about. I want to improve my poetry if I can and your input is helping me with that.
Thank you for the ideas.
I'll start checking things out right now.
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Very good. I like the flow, the rhythm, the repeated 'o'-words at the beginning of each stanza.
Only one a little problematic line, even though I wouldn't know how to improve on it:
So I ask once more, where are we
A little flow-breaking, but I can't see how it could be changed, so maybe this critique's a little... useless.
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Yeah I noticed it's a little bit unfitting, but it looks well in my opinion in the big picture.
And no critique is ever useless. It is a way to point things out for future refrence so that I may improve my art.
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