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Description
Marko said we should have left earlier, back in May when his family had just made it across. He said we should join them, start a new life there permanently instead of fluttering back and forth across the city, at night returning back to the cesspit where we lived out of fear; soulless apartment blocks jostling for sunlight, empty shops and empty streets. But I wanted a little more time; just a little more time to wrap things up over here. He didn’t like the idea, I could see that; he had that same look in his eyes that made him look like a kicked puppy. I almost changed my mind just from that look. Almost. But just as I opened my mouth to say sorry, cleared my dry throat, he agreed. He’d go over and I’d join him later. We were border guards; it should have been easy to sneak across when the commander wasn’t looking. Nobody had to know. Of course, it didn’t end up that way. Before I’d finally prepared myself to make the run, it was June. That June that would burn itself into my memories forever.

They’d been keeping a close eye on me since Marko escaped. Kept another guard with me at all times. Sure, they said it was so that if one of us missed an escapee, the other could get them. But everyone knew it was just to stop me from running. I’d almost gotten used to it, figured out a way to use an escapee as a distraction. And then it happened. The day had seemed pretty normal to start with; I’d headed towards my post, quicker than others due to the fact I was driving in a state vehicle. One of the privileges I’d have to go used to going without, I murmured to myself, trying to hide the growing smirk on my face. It was only when I left the vehicle and stepped up to my post that the penny dropped.

“They managed to put it up in a night. Pretty damn impressive, right?”

I turned around on instinct, hair bristling, body tensed. Dull brown eyes stared back into my grey ones, challenging, daring me to say the wrong thing. Tilting my head back to look at him properly, I snarled, my balled fists clenched by my sides. “Jans”, I murmured, each syllable dripping with poison, “Yes, it’s… very impressive.”

He shrugged, dropping his gaze and walking towards the barbed wire fence, looking at it like it was his beloved child. Needing something to drive my attention from that versager, I dove into my jacket pocket, pulling out a lighter and a packet of cigarettes. Unbranded, expensive and bitter to the taste. But they were the best I could do over here. I placed it between my teeth, about to light it when Jans decided to speak again.

“It’ll turn out very useful Felix. ‘ll stop people like that bastard Marko from betraying us.”

God I wanted to punch him that moment. Punch him repeatedly, until his face was covered in blood, screaming between punches about who Marko really was. About how he was a greater person than Jans could ever hope to be. But I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t and he knew I couldn’t. So I just flicked the lighter and tried to occupy my mind with watching the flame intently as my cigarette lit. I shoved the lighter back in my pocket, feeling the rough grey fabric rub against my raw fingers, the smoke like dragon’s breath in front of my face. I shook my head, moving a few strands of light brown hair out of my view. Marko used to refer to it as chestnut, I remember that. I always thought it was more like the colour of a dirty brick, but I was thankful for the compliment. Pulling the cigarette from between my teeth, I breathed out in a heavy sigh, running my free hand along my jawline, taking note of the scruff. I needed to shave. I avoided it usually, bare razors and cold water did that to a man, but I didn’t really have a choice any more. There were rules, regulations. And I wasn’t stupid enough to push the boundaries too far. At least I liked to think I wasn’t stupid enough-Marko would have said otherwise. He always thought I was a trouble maker, a boundary pusher. Which made it even more ironic that he’d be the one to make a move first.

“You were his friend, weren’t you?”

I knew without looking that Jans was going to be looking at me with those eyes, bitter, hate-filled, resentful. And I knew that I had no choice in what I answered, that if I answered that he was, Jans would find a way to get rid of me. That if I answered the truth, that everyone over here would want to get rid of me. One of the only things that wouldn’t change no matter where we were. I shrugged, the uniform that felt so alien hiding the motion in its shoulder pads. “Marko betrayed us. There’s nothing more that needs to be said.”

Jans shrugged, mirroring what I’d done, his greatcoat disguising all movement. It was only because I’d spent so long in those uniforms that I could even recognise gestures.“Thought you’d say that. It’s what everyone’s been saying since he ran. Frank, Ludwig, Gilbert. All of them. And they’ve been saying other things too. About you.”

My throat went dry and I swallowed the rising bile. “Oh. And what kind of things have they been saying?”

“I think you know.”

“Trust me, I really don’t.” An utter lie, but given the circumstances I felt it was justifiable. Official proof was still needed, even if everyone was suspicious of it. There must have been so many others in the same situation; even they couldn’t look into every case. Besides, they already had people following me, like that man I noticed Friday night, sulking into the dark of an alley, convinced he was unseen in the shadows. So long as I didn’t make any stupid mistakes, I was safe. Relatively. I took another puff at my cigarette, coughing slightly.

Again, Jans repeated his noncommittal gesture, turning and walking away. He didn’t reply, but I decided not to pursue it further. Instead I just stared across the barbed wire fence, watching the group of West Berliners gather to stare at the blockade. They couldn’t believe their eyes; none of us could. I just kept my head down, maintained a vacant expression, tried not to seem like I had any feelings about this matter whatsoever-that I was content to watch as this prison fence was built up in front of me. Sure, for now it was only a barbed wire fence, but soon there would be a blockade, a concrete wall, a scar running down the middle of the city. I was stuck on this side now; I might as well start getting used to it. And I was almost succeeding at maintaining that façade when it happened. In the middle of that crowd of strangers, strangers who I would never, ever be able to meet, was the most familiar face in my life; standing tall, his fiery red hair cropped too short to be blown in the wind, his dark green eyes looking towards the wall, brimming with anger, with all the rage he’d built up over the years pouring out now that he was able to. And the worst part was that he was looking at me the same way; like I was part of that wall, a living, breathing component. I bit my lip, the bitter taste helping me to just about keep it together. He didn’t recognise me. He couldn’t have, not if he was looking at me that way. I dropped the cigarette stub on the ground, placing my foot down and grinding it to ash, my fingers shaking. Marko, I opened my mouth to scream his name, but the words just didn’t sound, Marko, just look at me!

Finally, green eyes met grey ones and his gaze softened, his brows turning upwards and his jaw dropping as he realised it was me. I shuffled my feet, looking around to check if Jans was still watching. Luck was on my side for once. The next few steps forward, walking up to the fence, seemed to take forever. All I could sense was that he was getting closer, that my breathing was getting heavier, that I would hear my pulse pounding in my ears. And that he was mouthing one word, one word over and over again.

Jump.

I shook my head. I can’t, I mouthed back. Marko pursed his lips, his shoulders sloping forward in a hunch and I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. And I couldn’t even reply; the only thing I could do was look at him, hope that he could see that my eyes were screaming a reply to him. I’m sorry, I really am. But I can’t. I really can’t.

I placed a hand on the wooden post, leaning forward until almost my entire body was in the West. As close as I was ever going to get to living there, I murmured to myself, before I took one last look in those deep green eyes. Then I turned away, walked up almost to where Jans was, not looking back until I was there. When I made it, I allowed myself one more look. Marko had left the crowd, had turned away from me like I had him. Biting back tears, I shrugged. What the hell did I expect anyway? That I’d be able to jump the fence, to jump to freedom, without ending up with bullet holes in me? That was just a naïve dream.

And the dream was over.

Description
Marko said we should have left earlier, back in May when his family had just made it across. He said we should join them, start a new life there permanently instead of fluttering back and forth across the city, at night returning back to the cesspit where we lived out of fear; soulless apartment blocks jostling for sunlight, empty shops and empty streets. But I wanted a little more time; just a little more time to wrap things up over here. He didn’t like the idea, I could see that; he had that same look in his eyes that made him look like a kicked puppy. I almost changed my mind just from that look. Almost. But just as I opened my mouth to say sorry, cleared my dry throat, he agreed. He’d go over and I’d join him later. We were border guards; it should have been easy to sneak across when the commander wasn’t looking. Nobody had to know. Of course, it didn’t end up that way. Before I’d finally prepared myself to make the run, it was June. That June that would burn itself into my memories forever.

They’d been keeping a close eye on me since Marko escaped. Kept another guard with me at all times. Sure, they said it was so that if one of us missed an escapee, the other could get them. But everyone knew it was just to stop me from running. I’d almost gotten used to it, figured out a way to use an escapee as a distraction. And then it happened. The day had seemed pretty normal to start with; I’d headed towards my post, quicker than others due to the fact I was driving in a state vehicle. One of the privileges I’d have to go used to going without, I murmured to myself, trying to hide the growing smirk on my face. It was only when I left the vehicle and stepped up to my post that the penny dropped.

“They managed to put it up in a night. Pretty damn impressive, right?”

I turned around on instinct, hair bristling, body tensed. Dull brown eyes stared back into my grey ones, challenging, daring me to say the wrong thing. Tilting my head back to look at him properly, I snarled, my balled fists clenched by my sides. “Jans”, I murmured, each syllable dripping with poison, “Yes, it’s… very impressive.”

He shrugged, dropping his gaze and walking towards the barbed wire fence, looking at it like it was his beloved child. Needing something to drive my attention from that versager, I dove into my jacket pocket, pulling out a lighter and a packet of cigarettes. Unbranded, expensive and bitter to the taste. But they were the best I could do over here. I placed it between my teeth, about to light it when Jans decided to speak again.

“It’ll turn out very useful Felix. ‘ll stop people like that bastard Marko from betraying us.”

God I wanted to punch him that moment. Punch him repeatedly, until his face was covered in blood, screaming between punches about who Marko really was. About how he was a greater person than Jans could ever hope to be. But I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t and he knew I couldn’t. So I just flicked the lighter and tried to occupy my mind with watching the flame intently as my cigarette lit. I shoved the lighter back in my pocket, feeling the rough grey fabric rub against my raw fingers, the smoke like dragon’s breath in front of my face. I shook my head, moving a few strands of light brown hair out of my view. Marko used to refer to it as chestnut, I remember that. I always thought it was more like the colour of a dirty brick, but I was thankful for the compliment. Pulling the cigarette from between my teeth, I breathed out in a heavy sigh, running my free hand along my jawline, taking note of the scruff. I needed to shave. I avoided it usually, bare razors and cold water did that to a man, but I didn’t really have a choice any more. There were rules, regulations. And I wasn’t stupid enough to push the boundaries too far. At least I liked to think I wasn’t stupid enough-Marko would have said otherwise. He always thought I was a trouble maker, a boundary pusher. Which made it even more ironic that he’d be the one to make a move first.

“You were his friend, weren’t you?”

I knew without looking that Jans was going to be looking at me with those eyes, bitter, hate-filled, resentful. And I knew that I had no choice in what I answered, that if I answered that he was, Jans would find a way to get rid of me. That if I answered the truth, that everyone over here would want to get rid of me. One of the only things that wouldn’t change no matter where we were. I shrugged, the uniform that felt so alien hiding the motion in its shoulder pads. “Marko betrayed us. There’s nothing more that needs to be said.”

Jans shrugged, mirroring what I’d done, his greatcoat disguising all movement. It was only because I’d spent so long in those uniforms that I could even recognise gestures.“Thought you’d say that. It’s what everyone’s been saying since he ran. Frank, Ludwig, Gilbert. All of them. And they’ve been saying other things too. About you.”

My throat went dry and I swallowed the rising bile. “Oh. And what kind of things have they been saying?”

“I think you know.”

“Trust me, I really don’t.” An utter lie, but given the circumstances I felt it was justifiable. Official proof was still needed, even if everyone was suspicious of it. There must have been so many others in the same situation; even they couldn’t look into every case. Besides, they already had people following me, like that man I noticed Friday night, sulking into the dark of an alley, convinced he was unseen in the shadows. So long as I didn’t make any stupid mistakes, I was safe. Relatively. I took another puff at my cigarette, coughing slightly.

Again, Jans repeated his noncommittal gesture, turning and walking away. He didn’t reply, but I decided not to pursue it further. Instead I just stared across the barbed wire fence, watching the group of West Berliners gather to stare at the blockade. They couldn’t believe their eyes; none of us could. I just kept my head down, maintained a vacant expression, tried not to seem like I had any feelings about this matter whatsoever-that I was content to watch as this prison fence was built up in front of me. Sure, for now it was only a barbed wire fence, but soon there would be a blockade, a concrete wall, a scar running down the middle of the city. I was stuck on this side now; I might as well start getting used to it. And I was almost succeeding at maintaining that façade when it happened. In the middle of that crowd of strangers, strangers who I would never, ever be able to meet, was the most familiar face in my life; standing tall, his fiery red hair cropped too short to be blown in the wind, his dark green eyes looking towards the wall, brimming with anger, with all the rage he’d built up over the years pouring out now that he was able to. And the worst part was that he was looking at me the same way; like I was part of that wall, a living, breathing component. I bit my lip, the bitter taste helping me to just about keep it together. He didn’t recognise me. He couldn’t have, not if he was looking at me that way. I dropped the cigarette stub on the ground, placing my foot down and grinding it to ash, my fingers shaking. Marko, I opened my mouth to scream his name, but the words just didn’t sound, Marko, just look at me!

Finally, green eyes met grey ones and his gaze softened, his brows turning upwards and his jaw dropping as he realised it was me. I shuffled my feet, looking around to check if Jans was still watching. Luck was on my side for once. The next few steps forward, walking up to the fence, seemed to take forever. All I could sense was that he was getting closer, that my breathing was getting heavier, that I would hear my pulse pounding in my ears. And that he was mouthing one word, one word over and over again.

Jump.

I shook my head. I can’t, I mouthed back. Marko pursed his lips, his shoulders sloping forward in a hunch and I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. And I couldn’t even reply; the only thing I could do was look at him, hope that he could see that my eyes were screaming a reply to him. I’m sorry, I really am. But I can’t. I really can’t.

I placed a hand on the wooden post, leaning forward until almost my entire body was in the West. As close as I was ever going to get to living there, I murmured to myself, before I took one last look in those deep green eyes. Then I turned away, walked up almost to where Jans was, not looking back until I was there. When I made it, I allowed myself one more look. Marko had left the crowd, had turned away from me like I had him. Biting back tears, I shrugged. What the hell did I expect anyway? That I’d be able to jump the fence, to jump to freedom, without ending up with bullet holes in me? That was just a naïve dream.

And the dream was over.