HOME | DD
NayruElric — Teresa Heiderich: Just a Game
Published: 2012-08-02 22:57:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 875; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 8
Redirect to original
Description
FOR ALL NEWCOMERS, SHE IS STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION SO NOT EVERYTHING MATCHES HER PICTURE. BEFORE YOU LEAVE A CRITIQUE PLEASE READ THROUGH ALL OF HER PROFILE. THANK YOU.Well, I decided that I'd draw my OC and make her profile because I have nothing better to do, one, and because I've been avoiding writing and my requests.
If you find anything that's Mary-Sue with her, doesn't make sense about her, or any of the above, please tell me because I really want to make this fanfiction good. (So many people are following it already.
) If you want to read the fanfiction she's in, I may post it on dA sometime but for now follow this link--> www.fanfiction.net/s/8215500/1… (Btw, if you want to review you can because I allow anonymous reviews.) Thank you to those who give me feedback!
IF YOU STEAL HER I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. LIKE GLUTTONY. Just sayin'.
Fandom(s): Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and Conqueror of Shamballa
Role: Sets story in motion as a major character (she is not the main character) She is supposed to be the Shamballa version of Trisha. Yes, Trisha would actually be 36, but Dietlinde was the alternate of Dante who was born over 400 years ago, so hopefully people won't consider it Mary-Sue.
Full Name: Teresa Heiderich
Name at birth: Teresa Elrick
Aliases/Nicknames (if any): Terry
Title(s): None
Preferred name: Terry Elrick (prefers not to be called Teresa)
Age: 15
Date of Birth: April 26, 1899
Race/Ethnicity: English and German
Skin Tone: Pale/light
Height: 5' 3"
Weight: 130 lbs.~
Build: Slender stature but sturdy in the legs--you can consider them muscly or fat. Whichever one.
Eyes: Deep, deep green, rounded, innocent, relaxed--most of the time
Hair: Dark mocha brown, reaches far past rear, flat and matted but smooth. Usually wears two braids on each side, while the rest of her hair is down. (Dang! I forgot her braids!
)Clothes Style: Usually wears a black blouse and dark brown dress-skirt. Her preferred outfit is a thin cream-colored trench coat on top of a white long-sleeved shirt, black pants. (Change in later drawings.)
Tattoos, Piercings, Marks, Scars, etc.: None. Freckles here and there but nothing special.
Appearance: Her face is narrow and she seems lost at times, but she's actually quite focused on the moment.
Political Affiliation: (can't put anything here without giving the story away--though, that's what I'm doing already because I haven't written it yet.
)Education: Went to proper school until she was 14, then dropped out.
Languages spoken: German
Weapons (if any): None
Occupation(s): Fiance of Von Heiderich
Past Occupation(s): Schoolgirl
Special Abilities/Skills: None (though she claims to be able to perform alchemy at the end of the story, she's bluffing)
Activities/Organizations: Can't say for the sake of the story.
Hobbies: Bike riding, dancing (but she can't dance well), shopping, eating, and styling.
Serious Problems/Flaws/Addictions/Disorders/Disabilities: Terry acts a bit too goofy or unfocused at times with her opinions and annoyingness. She prods people to do certain things until she gets it, literally driving them mad. Despite the fact she's just trying to help most of the time, this usually results to them screaming at her. Usually something along the lines of, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" is said, for she likes to poke and pick and prod. She is also very forgetful at times and doesn't know how her actions affect people until the damage has already been done.
Citizenship: Germany
Place of Birth: Germany
Now lives: Germany
Lives with: Von, Edmund, Alfons Heiderich, and later Edward Elric--he moves in with them
Current Relationship Status: Set to be married to Von Heiderich when she turns 16, once they get official authority. (I looked it up, that's what happened in Germany a long time ago.) Friends with Edmund, Alfons, and Edward.
Relationship History: None
Family: Her parents are poor and need money so Terry is set to marrying Von Heiderich. Edmund and Alfons are her step-brothers, being 15 and 14 years old as Von's sons from his late wife who died in a flood.
Other Biographical Remarks: Terry has a slight obsession with hair, which is why she grows hers so long. She also likes brushing the hair of others (even when they don't ask). Though she doesn't keep her own hair very straight.
So yeah. That's her. Please don't steal her. And please tell me if she's Mary-Sue! Again, I want to make this fic good! Thanks!
Tumblr: naysaltysalmon.tumblr.com/
FFN: www.fanfiction.net/u/2916305/N…
YouTube: www.youtube.com/user/Nayru41?f…
Fullmetal Alchemist © Hiromu Arakawa
Just a Game © Me
Related content
Comments: 23
Bwah ha! I know, right?!
Anyway, you seem like someone I must have ticked off with a similar comment on your OC, seeing you just joined today and only made this comment, so who is it? AnimeEmm?
If not, I would like you to explain how they are Mary-Sue, as I know I did not in my comment (or, I guess I didn't). If you don't wanna that's also fine by me.
Cheers! ^-^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Actually, no. I'm not an artist of any means. OCs are not something I'm all that into, but I do like to look at them.
Recently, I've seen some of your comments on other OCs(that are actually decent) and you go off telling them they're Mary sues, and when looking at your OC, it seems that it's no better. The hypocrisy that you are giving out aggravates me beyond comprehension, and I bet for others as well.
Reason why I created this account? To tell you off straight that you should really develop your OC more before you deem other OCs as Mary Sues, or at least don't just leave a comment 'OMG MARY SUE DURR' and just leave with no helpful comments. Don't you just feel special?(insert sarcasm here). There's a reason why there are people who don't like you, and this is why.
I'm giving it right back at you: you comment 'ALL THE MARY SUE HURRR' and give no explanation why, and this ticks people off. I know it's obvious you're mad too, you can't deny it. Right? thought so. It would tick me off, too if I ever had an OC and someone besides you said 'Mary sue!' and take off. I would LOVE it if someone bashed an OC of mine, yet gave me criticism on why they are that would help me develop them more. Yet, you're asking constructive criticism from people to help improve your OC, yet you give none in return for others. Hypocrite.
Take what you can dish out next time, k?
Oh yeah, aside from that, I'm going to give you a reason why your OC is a Mary Sue(in my opinion).
First off, hair that is as long as hers would not be hung out like that, in reality. It would get in the way and would be annoying to brush every second of the day, so they would tie it back. Preferably in a braided bun, I've seen a girl with hair that long and she pulled it into a braided bun everyday so it didn't get in the way.Think about it, the hair would weigh her head down and that'll make her neck muscles sore all the time.
Her clothes: it just doesn't cut it. If she didn't want to be stared at all the time and be a victim of something, she would be wearing a dress down to her feet. Dresses down to her knees would still be considered weird in her time, and I'm not even sure what you've given her to wear; like seriously. Her time period would view her as a prostitute.
Her nickname: 'Terry' is not a legitimate nickname for girls.
BUT OMG, SUCH A COOL NAME(insert sarcasm here).
NOPE.
Remember, we're taking sexist time period Germany, and nicknames/unisex names were not even around. 'Teresa Elrick'. Seriously? You couldn't have chosen a better name not relating to 'Elric'? First sign of a Mary Sue: when a name sounds like a canon's last name.
Being an orphan has been seen too many times with OCs unless you can give a good and original story to it. 'BAWWW MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED, I'M AN ONLY CHILD OH WOE IS ME!!!' Please don't do that. That will turn people away, just for a heads-up.
And concerning her weight and height; she doesn't even cut it for having fat/muscular arms. That kind of weight is almost unnatural for her stature by the way you've drawn her out; you've exaggerated the fact that she would have thick arms.
This character needs some work. Her personality is borderline generic, watch out for that.
Seriously, it looks like you have a lot to learn. You lost my respect; keep this up, more people will. Keep this up even more and well...just steer away so you don't become the next deviant artist to end up on Encyclopedia dramatica; you're a potential target because you apparantely love criticize OCs that are paired with Edward Elric for being Mary Sues, and your penname is 'NayruElric', and on top of that, your bio declares you're an Edward fangirl so...that'll catch ED's attention and you'll get a bad reputation right there.
Have a nice day.
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
By the way, I looked it up and the nickname "Terry" can be used as a boy or a girl name.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Did you look up the year it started to get popular? Wiktionary can help you with that if you're looking for a female German name in that time period.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hmm lemme check...
Actually, the peak of using Terry as a girl's name was most-popular around the 1940s and 50s, but it was still used as a girl's name in the 1910s... does that still count?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yes. Because the German name 'Nina' started to be used in 1970's so that would legitimately work. But I think Terry sounds too much like a boys' which is why the nickname sounds peculiar.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yeah, I agree... Still, I can't think of any other nicknames for "Teresa" because I honestly despise the name "Teresa" so much that I had to give her a nickname, and Terry is the first thing that came to mind.
Thanks for the help!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Sweetie, I believe you've never heard the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right".
By the way, you must not have read it, because she is no longer an orphan. And I know, I'm trying to find a better name than "Elrick" but I do want it to be obvious she is the alternate version of Trisha Elric. Case you didn't realize that.
In the story I have made her wear dresses more often than not and she no longer wears shorts, since you obviously didn't read it.
Really? Terry isn't a name for girls. Honestly didn't know that. I'll have to look into it. (Seriously, I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me. *no sarcasm*)
And yeah, I was going to give her shorter hair. That length it would drive even me crazy.
Thanks for all of the critique! You've made things very clear for me!
I have never ever said that my OC was better than theirs. I never denied what I did was wrong. I am still working on my characters too. I only started writing recently and I am really surprised someone honestly has this much time to be bashing out some 13-year-old they don't even know. What, you trying to make me feel bad? You know nothing about me. Nothing.
Mind your own business and it'll take up all your time.
Thank you, too!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
The phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" is an excuse for someone to terrorize others unjustly continuously. Don't even bring that into this.
I must admit there was also a mistake on my part because I had skimmmed. I only pointed out the Mary sue traits you gave your character, my apologies. But those were something that caught my eye. Honestly, if you didn't want your character to have those old traits, just fix the info and rewrite it's under construction or something; more understandable, that way.
I did not see anything that said that she was the alternate version of Trisha. You really need to put that somewhere where anyone can see it first-hand, preferably in the beginning of the bio. Along with everything else, make the changes more noticeable.
And regardless whether or not someone knows you, if you do stuff like this on the internet or even in real life, someone is immediately going to react back, but they'll react differently...it's just a warning. I went easy on you. Besides, I'm closer to your age than you think, so you know nothing about me either.
As honest and plain as I can put it, if you pull this again at another time you might get a worse reaction in the future. Keep that in mind and you'll be fine.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Fine by me.
Yeah, I was thinking of deleting this picture and putting up her new profile because this one is misleading with the no shorts and hoodie thing.
Alright, I'll be sure to do that. So, in your opinion, does that still make her Mary-Sue or do you believe keeping her original last name as Elrick is fine?
Fair enough. Still, funny to believe you care this much.
Besides, I don't make comments like that anymore. I know, you saw what was old, so I can't blame you for that, but I learned my lesson with this one guy, sheesh, and I honestly didn't even say anything that bad. -_-
I've already gotten worse reactions.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
So, to be honest I'm a huge fan of Alfons Heiderich and Shamballa in general, as well as German history, especially around the 1920-1940's period. So I'll provide some critique on your OC? Keep in mind, I'm not trying to sound rude, I'm just trying to offer constructive criticism. I'm going to bullet points for sake of organization... Because it's long. ._.
*I'm a bit confused as to why her original last name is is so close to Elric? You have a ton of names to choose from~
*I think you have some dates messed up. Alfons was only 17 in the movie, and that took place in 1923. So that would mean in order for your character to be 15 when Alfons was 20 (assuming he doesn't die from his gunshot wound or his disease) then your character couldn't have been born in 1900.
*The clothing isn't era appropriate. :/ Not only that, but it didn't even exist in the 1920's. Unless she's wearing men's swim trunks, there'd be nothing close to black short shorts. Sweatshirts, either. Men's overcoats would be the closest thing to a sweatshirt. Even if Von doesn't let her leave the house, there wouldn't be anything available like that for her to wear. My suggestion (if you want to go with the "strange sense of style") would literally be to have her wear pants. All women of the time were expected to wear long dresses. 1920's was the "flapper era" in America and I /believe/ (I'm not entirely sure on this one) it was a slowly catching phase in Germany at the time as well, so she /might/ push it with shorter dresses. But by shorter, I mean to the knee. No-where near short compared to today's standards.
*Von isn't actually a name. It's moreso (at this time) used as a particle that indicated nobility. So it would be something more like Klaus von Heiderich, Felix von Heiderich, or any other German name you want to use for his first name. :3
*Please, please, please watch the orphan trait. It is the /biggest/ indicator of a Sue. It's so overdone in general, no matter how you kill off the parents, may it be murder, natural disaster, war, disease, whatever it is, it's been done before many times. >< Also, it's Sue-ish when your character goes form orphaned to picked up by a canon character (or the OC family of a canon character) and is highly improbably. Probably only something you'd see if you were in the Heart of Gold from Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy.
*Historically, her hair would most likely be short. Or if you /really/ need to keep it long, it would have to be tied back. Long hair (for men or women) in the 1920's was rare. That goes with that "Flapper phase" I mentioned.
*Lastly, I'm not sure how (or why) you're mixing Brotherhood and 2003? They're too highly different stories with plotlines that wouldn't match up and it'd be easier (and make far more sense) for you to just stick with 2003. The mood/themes of each series are basically complete opposites of each other, so try not to mix em?
So again, I'm not being rude (or not trying to DX)... I'm honestly just trying to make this more historically accurate so your story makes more sense and runs much, much smoother. I hope it helped.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ah, hello! Thank you for taking your time to critique my OC and help me make her better! Let me respond to my best ability to your concerns. ^_^
Yes! I love Conqueror of Shamballa and the Heiderichs too, so I just had to try this fic! (Even if I haven't written much yet.)
~Ah, yes. Her last name is Elrick because Teresa is actually supposed to be the alternate version of Trisha Elric. I know, Trisha would be 41 by that time, but I wanted to make her younger for the sake of the story. Also, I was researching German last names and I went straight to the E's (since Hoenheim and Heiderich both start with H, and Hughes remained Hughes, etc) and saw that Elrick was, in fact, actually a real last name. And German, at that. I was in luck. So, technically, Teresa IS a cannon character, just changed up a little bit to try and make it more interesting. I hope that still doesn't make her Sue...
~Yeah, again, with the Teresa being only 15 when she's supposed to be Trisha, I'm doing it for the sake of the story. I know it's shaky, and I honestly wished no one would notice it...
~Ah, I see exactly what you mean. I believe I give her the "pushing it" style and give her a men's trench coat and black pants. ^_^ I agree completely with you there. But, like Winry, she's supposed to kind of a slut. Not purposely, though. Just what she likes to wear.
~Yeah, I was expecting that to come up... I honestly couldn't find anything even remotely close to "Van" like "Van Hoenheim", so that was the closest thing. I wanted to have people be able to distinguish Hoenheim with Heiderich without saying their last names, because Teresa calls him "Von" herself since he isn't actually her father. I could keep his first name as Van, spelled that way if you wish, unless you can think of any other German first names close to Van...?
~Oh, yeah, the orphan thing. Yes, I absolutely despise killing her parents. I do. But there's nothing else I can think of, unless they need money so Teresa is going to marry Van/Von to get it...? That may work... But also having her parents dead is a small part of what makes her who she is. Though, I agree it is Mary-Sue. Then again, 50% of parents are dead these days. So should I change that, as well?
~Haha, yeah! Her hair, REALLY, REALLY long.
~Ah ha, I agree. They shouldn't be mixed... but I got this idea and I just had to write it! I couldn't resist, and so far people seem to like it, A LOT, actually. (With only one chapter...) Maybe if you read what I had so far things would make a little more sense...?
No, no, you weren't being rude at all! I agree with all the points you pointed out! ^_^
As a side note, I'd like you to know that Teresa IS NOT the main character. She's a very major character, but not the main one. Edward, is. As fanfiction should make the cannon characters the main characters. Sorry if I seem like I'm the one who's being rude now, but you were acting like she was the main focus of the story, which I can understand why because almost all OC stories are about said OC.
Again, thank you so much for the feedback! If/when you see this, I beg you to reply and help me work this out if you have time!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Overall, you have a solid, believable OC, with only two things to check.
First, being an orphan has the potential to be very Mary-Sueish, so be smart about it. Whether or not Terry goes into that territory, to me, depends largely on how you do it. Did her parents get eaten by Envy? Die of disease? War? Exreme papercuts?
Next, remember that this is early 1900's Germany where people who stand out are targets. Terry's short-shorts and magenta sweatshirt would be unheard of. She'd most likely need to wear dresses or skirts past her knees (unless you want her to be a target of sexual harrassment), in dim colors, or plain pants (which is pushing it already). She could have a jacket, but I am unsure if sweatshirts existed yet. And if they did, I'd avoid bright colors like that.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh! I hope this helped.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No, no, thank you very much for the feedback! ^_^
Yeah, her parents were killed when she was five but I have yet to decide how they died to NOT make her Mary-Sue. I was thinking of having the main evil villain do it, but the more I think about it that's been overused SO many times and it's Mary-Sue, so it'll probably just be something natural like a flood or something. As for her orphancy, (that isn't a word
Yeah, I agree there. But I should also say that she doesn't usually get out much because Von doesn't like her to get out. Not that he's abusive or anything, but she just isn't "proper" or like "normal" girls, so he doesn't like to be seen with her because of her personality. But he is in love with her, though she isn't in love with him, he doesn't know that yet.
I have no idea if sweatshirts existed back then either, hahaha! I should probably look it up...
Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll add what I just told you to her profile so people don't get mixed up.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Excellent! you have a good character then. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Welcome~ thats such a cute face! i still dont even know how to tag people
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh, haha, I didn't know how to use gifs and stuff like that until about a week ago. ^^
To tag someone you just tell them on your profile.
If you want the whole set up you can see it in my journal entry that says, "I was Tagged... T_T"
👍: 0 ⏩: 1