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paintausea β Sketch: Unable
#phone #blood #dark #depression #hikikomori #letmego #loneliness #pleasekillme #call #makeitenditall #deletelife #icantaskforhelp #becausethereisnohelp #paintausea
Published: 2015-09-12 21:27:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 2505; Favourites: 115; Downloads: 14
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Ring ring-...
I open my eyes only to find the darkness still engulfing me. I turn my tired gaze toward the sound that woke me up.
Someone is calling...
I whisper.Β
Slowly, thoughts invades my mind while I try to reach for my calling device.
Why is someone calling so late ? Is there an emergency ? Why did they called me...? I'm useless anyway...Who could that be ? Is someone dead ? Why can't it be me if that's the case ? Why am I even wanting to answer ? I should probably ignore it, they don't need a F A I L U R E that is even...
...U N A B L E to pick up a damn call.
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Precisely so...
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I hate talking on the phone.
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The hate is for me like a squirrel who's tail is being ripped off..
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Ouch.... The worst is that a squirrel would still live without it if they don't die by blood loss...Poor creature.
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it's kinda funny. They ask me to, but i can't on the heat of the moment. i never had the choice to ask for help, so now, i don't know how. and i feel so bad. they really seem to care for me. they seem to get hurt when i hurt myself in order to stop, without talking how i'm feeling and letting them help.
i'm happy tho. Your drawings, some really hit home, when it's relatable it's very much relatable. thank you for sharing your feelings. it's really nice to see every time the comments part, people asking for help, people giving help, people telling how they relate to it. it's amazing. i always get to remember that none of us are really alone on this.
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Yes... That is really the miraculous and wonderful side of the wonderful and caring friends and watchers I have on here...
It really cheers me up to be able to do this and give a platform for everyone to exchange these feelings with.. Not only with me..Β
Though.. Yes.. I completely understand where you are coming from...
I feel very bad most of the time as well..
But as much as some people seem to care, I can't allow myself to reach out...
The smallest even understandable matter of someone not being there for me when I need them leads me back to square 0 where I start to trust no one..
I am impossible...
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hm, it makes sense. getting used to be helped by friends, having support, and what if one day there's no more of it? who i ask for support if there's no one anymore to ask? it's scary, really. just wonder why trust is so necessary. i lived since a kid without trusting anyone fully (maybe it has something with it, but i don't know), and was called out recently for not being able to trust myself or my friends. but a lot of things are out of control, trusting seems to be receiving all the blown with no defense, so i can't really understand why should i trust people. people are kinda unpredictable to me, so not a good idea. or maybe it's my overthinking.
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To gain true trust is to give true love .. (:
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hm.. i hope to be able to do it then, one day, and learn how to do it too, because i have no idea after getting used to not trust for so long. i was reading yesterday some old things from one of them, and she said i was one of the people she trusted the most at the time, and i guess it's not fair if i can't do it back as well. besides, she's worth it, they all seem to be.
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I wish you the best of luck...Β
I know it is not easy, but it is very much worth it..!!
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when I get upset it's almost impossible to actually tell anyone. that's why I'm happy when people are able to ask me for help.
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Have you been able to help them successfully?
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they say I help, so that means I do. I know I can't fix things for people, but if I can make it a tiny bit easier even for a moment then I did a good job.
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.....this hurts....it hurts that you're feeling this way.
I cried hard over the weekend and since I have nails now, I just started scratching my legs over and over again.
I wanted to feel pain and digging into my legs like that felt good.
Im worried that this is going to become a reoccurring thing under times of stress and hopelessness.
I should probably just give up....
But Im holding on to that faint light that is hope.
We all love you though.... and want to see you pull though and be alright. <3
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Please.. sweety.. please try to keep your legs from scarring...Β
Don't hurt yourself.. I'll hurt myself instead for you..
aaaaa..I'm so sorry, I'm insane.. sorry...
Keep.. please keep that faith somehow.. I don't know how either.. but maybe if there is way.. then life is still bitter to hold cross to that fork..Β
(What am I even saying anymore..??)
Β I love you too though... I want you to be just as alright......
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Im so sorry I havent been able to reply...
Im so scared. I dont know if I can make it. It feels like the tide trying to pull me under is more violent and desperate than ever. Im so tired.
I've never felt this weak and pathetic before.
I feel bad for my family and my boyfriend. They dont want me to leave, and they're worried but I have no idea how to combat this. It hurts so bad.
God, I feel like Im fucking up horribly.
I dont want to give up, but it sounds so amazing....Im so pathetic.
I love you, sweetheart.
I wish you were closer, so we could help each other.
I think about you a lot, and find myself praying you're alright.
Im so sorry. <3
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I'm sorry that I'm replying to late...
I did read your message.. I do read all the messages...
But I'm also very anxious as you about replying...Β
I completely understand.. I know what it's like...Β
I'm going through this too right now...
I wish I was able to tell you something to console you...
but I don't want to sprinkle pretty words on your wounds that won't help them heal...
but please know, that I am thinking of you as well..
And hoping that you can somehow still hold on..Β
Somehow...
-offers a virtual bandage- ...
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If I could, I would come and steal you away and we could live together.... I desperately want to help you.
It makes me so upset, and so worried....
I cant do anything to help you from here.
You are the most emotionally raw person I have ever met.
And to me, that is so refreshing...like, a breath of fresh air.
You dont know how amazing I think you are <3 <3
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It's okay sweety..Β
It already helps me a lot just seeing your messages..Β
Though it would be wonderful to just be stolen away hehehe..Β
Thank you so much..Β
This is a place where I allow myself to be honest..
So perhaps this is why...
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I promise, Im here if you ever, EVER need to talk
I may not be online all the time, but any time I see a comment from you, I will always reply <3
And dont beat yourself up about allowing yourself to be in that "place."
Its hard enough of you that you have to deal with everything being thrown at you.....
You'll be alright, lovely~
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Thank you so much...Β
I feel so out of touch with everyone I love...Β
I feel like being me isn't right..
And that sometimes I don't deserve to be alright..
Or shouldn't even want that..
Because just not being fine.. has already been so much part of my life, that I couldn't ever imagine just being okay...
Sorry for ranting to you like this...
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I dont mind you talking
At all! An amazing person like you deserves to be able to share how they're feeling...
Besides, you have read all of my stuff so the least I could do is listen back.
I still really want to try and help....
Are meds not working? 
You DESERVE to be happy, because I think you're lovely. <3
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Thank you... !
The meds I take haven't ever been helpful much aside for the ones that help me sleep..Β
I don't know why people would think I'm lovely.. but I appreciate it a lot that you think of me like thie.. β₯!
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No worries, love!
So, how are you doing today? <3
By the way...I need to get on something that will help me sleep ;_;
What do you take? Maybe I could talk to my doctor about it. If it works for you, Im willing to try it.
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I've been really, really tired lately..
All I've been doing is sleeping.. and my back aches.. ):
I'm a bit more stable to day...
How about you?
I take Quetiapine/Seroquel and Dominal forte.
Both help me sleep pretty well, but the nightmares are still there even though the docs say it's supposed to help ease them ;;;
Seroquel, as far as they have told me, are supposed to calm your anxieties and stabilize your mood.
Dominal is just for sleep. I think... eeeh... I've never been too thrilled about taking medications, but they do help me sleep. I can't really sleep without them sadly...
Seroquel alone already knocks me out. But it really depends on the dosages you take... You might suffer from bad sleep hangovers in the morning if the dosage is too high. (but I'm a small lady so my body is quite sensitive to these things.)
I'm not too sure if Dominal is available in the states though... Perhaps your doctor could recommend you something similar to it?
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"Sometimes it's a battle even feeling upset."
I don't wish to sound like a broken record, but we're all here and support you no matter what you need.
Be strong dear.
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Oh how I wish knew how...
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Just don't strain yourself, me and many others on here care for you. I do hope things begin to go better for you.
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It's a constant up and down that's tearing at my strength to live...
Thank you so much for understanding...
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I'd like to tell myself that it's better that way..
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I will only hurt others....
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People are fragile and pain is common, you can't fear the pain you may cause or it'll prevent you from giving the hope you can bring
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how can you bring others hope if you don't have hope for yourself...?
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Just being yourself bring people hope I see in your comment sections each time you post something.
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I honestly believe it is ^^
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ohhh I feel this picture....
I relapsed yesterday and feel very guilty for it...
*hugs you*
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It's alright to relapse...
Such things will happen towards our way to recovery...
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I know....but it still isnt a nice feeling...
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I'm very sorry.... try to stay strong... but don't beat yourself up over it...
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trying too...
thank you so much
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you need anything at all, don't be afraid to talk me or any of your friends, we're all here for you
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It's so difficult to do..
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Β it must be, take it slowly, don't force yourself to speak all at once we, and myself, aren't going anywhere
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Thank you so much for understanding...
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