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Peek-a-booPants — Real Vampires Don't SPARKLE
Published: 2008-11-25 07:04:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 11679; Favourites: 256; Downloads: 2495
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SO.I FUCKING HATE TWILIGHT.
WITH AN INTENSE, FIERY PASSION.
This has to be the single most retarded book ever written.
EVERRRRRRRR!
Unless, maybe, the following books are worse. From reading the synopsis in Film Fantasy magazine, they very well may be. (Come on… Reneesme? You’ve gotta be KIDDING.)
So, in case you’ve never read Twilight and are interested thanks to the movie (which I have not seen and have no intention of seeing), let me save you a lot of trouble.
Do you enjoy books that are interesting?
Do you enjoy books that are well-written?
Do you like vampires and vampire lore?
Do you like to read books with a plot? And I’m talking any plot, here. Good, bad, many; just plot in general.
THEN DO NOT EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SO MUCH AS GLANCE AT THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR LITERATURE.
I can’t even begin to describe the atrocity that is this book. I fail to understand how it’s become so popular. Are today’s youth really, seriously this stupid?
The characters are flat, uninteresting, and – dare I say it – (**GASP!**) MARY SUES AND GARY STUS; the poor excuse for a plot doesn’t even show its face until about 400 pages in to the 500 page book; Stephenie Meyer whipped her damn thesaurus into submission; it idealizes stalking and abusive relationships…
I could go on forever. I could. But my mind cries for mercy just thinking about it.
My dog could write a better novel.
So this avatar is just one of the many things I have to say about Twilight.
Y’know why?
Because our hero in this book, Edward Cullen, is a vampire. Not just a vampire; but a vampire who can read minds, move at super human speeds, is absolutely perfect in appearance and every single thing he does, never sleeps, feeds off of animals (as well as the whole “vegetarian” Cullen family), and can go out in the sun.
Oh yes. A vampire walking around in the sunlight.
Know what happens when you catch Eddie here in the sun?
…He sparkles.
A bloody fucking sparkly vampire.
And that’s only the beginning. I figure I’ll blog a full-on rant about every aspect of this wretched waste of trees, but this is all I can muster for now.
Agree with me? Let me know.
Disagree? First off, give me a valid reason to like this book and/or anything in it.
Second, don’t yell at me for ranting. It’s my opinion and I’m sure you have yours, but if you seriously think this is better than Harry Potter or even worth mention, I’m not really interested in hearing it.
Also, please know that any flames will merely be used to bake the delicious meat pies that I shall stuff you
**I HEREBY GIVE GENERAL PERMISSION TO POST MY SUBMISSIONS**
EDIT:
SO UM WOW. I had no idea such a little avatar would stir up so much controversy!
I'm so happy I could cry!
I have since seen the God-awful movie and read book numero dos. And guess what?
They're JUST as retarded.
Kthxbai.
I wanna give a giant THANK YOU to all you folks who stood up against the Twitards whilst I was away. YOU GUYS ROCK. PROPS, YO.
And just as big of a HELLZ YEAH! to everyone who's faved and downloaded!!! You guys rock my sox; hardcore.
And as for those of you who seem to think my intense hatred of this... thing... is out of line, I feel I should inform you that even though you are a five hundred pound twelve-year-old girl with pimples on your ass the size of quarters who will one day go out and buy a freezable glittery dildo pretending that someone as OMG TOTLY HAWT AS EDWERD will somehow be attracted to you, the rest of us don't protest for the dildos and we leave you be.
Thank you and good day.
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Comments: 106
HELLS YA ANOTHER TWILIGHT HATER!!!!! VAMPIRE'S DON'T FUCKING SPARKLE!!!!!! ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY ARE PISS ME OFF!!!!!!!!
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...Real vampires don't exist. Now can we all please just shut up about Twilight for one day? I'm well aware this is an old thing, but seriously. I don't care if someone likes it or hates it, just stop with the freakin hate and hate something that MATTERS like bullying or something instead of a freakin book.
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you just might be one of the smartest people on this website
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I definitely agree that sparkling vampires are disgusting. It just doesn't make sense. A friend of mine suggested a solution to the question of why vampires could possibly sparkle. As a young and upcoming writer I have decided that it is my mission to share this with the rest of the world. Sparkling vampires have a disease known as vampire pox. Please avoid them at all costs for it is highly contagious and deadly. If you see a sparkling vampire please either run away quickly or stab the shiny thing and then run.
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TWILIGHT IS THE BIGGEST EPIC FAIL I'VE EVER SEEN.
when I first saw it, I thought cullen's the antagonist. he's really not handsome. :/
" emo-boys-are-cuter-with-pale-skin-and-spiked-hair " ARE ONLY limited to anime characters. XD
haters gonna hate. XDXDXD
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I completely agree with this. I admit that I did read through the series and I don't think I've ever read such a poorly written piece of published literature. How she twisted vampires and didn't do a speck of research is just nightmarish and on top of that she created the mary sue/gary stu characters and yet managed to make the main three have the most disgusting personality traits as well. Edward's a borderline stalker who is overly possessive, Bella is a selfish little girl who really only seems to care about what she wants, and then Jacob is just an overall ass from what I saw.
Now, while I absolutely detest the book and movies (Though I do like Robert Pattinson, he was excellent in Goblet of Fire), I will admit that there is an aspect I liked and found to be rather inventive: Venom in the saliva. It would certainly be a plausible way to turn someone into a vampire. The only other options I could have thought of would be consumption of the vampire's own blood or necromancy.
Anyway I think the reason Twilight is so popular is because it appeals to the "lowest common denominator". I'm not sure whether or not Meyer is an evil marketing genius. She gave her characters such little personality, gave her female protagonist the most common physical characteristics (brown hair and eyes), made her think of herself as "plain" (which I'm pretty sure almost all girls think), gave her divorced parents and told the story from Bella's point of view in a high school setting. Voila, instant self insertion fantasy for teenage girls.
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FINNALY SOMONE UNDERSTANDS ME! (vampires maybe sparkle in their ashes(tehe)*
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I have read the books and I'll admit that I like the idea of venom in the saliva because aside from the blood transfusion idea, I haven't read any books where they've really explained how the biological process of turning someone into a vampire is initiated.
However, aside from that I completely hate the books. As far as I'm concerned, vampires burn in the sun. No sparkly. Also, it saddens me that this book/movie series is getting more attention and fanfare than some vastly better series out there. Also, the characters are just horrible. The main vampire is a borderline stalker, the protagonist is an extraordinarily needy and selfish girl who doesn't really give a shit about what anyone else wants, and the werewolf is an all around jerk.
And if you think about it, Edward's more of a fairy than a real vampire. He sparkles, is insanely beautiful, and he lives in the woods. Give him a set of wings and some pixie dust, he'll be good to go.
Though, some people have been ragging on the actors just because they're involved in the movie and I can't agree with that. If you look at their other films, most of them are skilled actors. Heck, I really like Pattinson as Cedric Diggory in Goblet of Fire. Apparently even he doesn't like the Twilight book and isn't exactly keen on the author or the fangirls, or at least if what he said in an interview has any merit. I believe he compared the screams of fangirls to what one would expect to hear at the gates of hell.
Also, if anyone knows of any good actiony vampire books where the vampire is the hero (male preferably, don't know why). PLEASE let me know. Over 300 pages preferably. I read the Darren Shan books, and while they're ok, they are WAY too short. Each book is only 150+ pages and there are only 12 books. 1800 pages total, I have some series that have that number of pages in 3-4 books!
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I don't suppose you could make a 50x50 size of this so i can use it for my icon?PLEASE!!!!1!one 
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I hate twlight so much i'm gonna se stupid vampires making fun of the film
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Twilight is absolute TRASH! x_x I always have this need to beat up Robert Pattinson
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this is true beyond true!!!! listen to this person!!
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The vampires I run into roasted alive by sunlight. (Castlevania)
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1. There are one or two genuinely nice bits of characterisation in those books. Granted, not in the two main characters. Emmett, I say to you. And as far as I'm concerned it's evocative story-telling. It's comfort reading, shallow and undemanding, but that's what I like about it. It's not something I'd want in all books in the world, but it's nice to be able to rest my brain once in a while.
2. "Real" vampires? *raises eyebrows*
3. In the Gary Oldman Dracula, vampires could go out in sunlight.
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I think I'll happily stick with Hellsing instead of ever even considering to open a Twilight related page.
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^^ i absolutely hate twilight, also with fiery passion. lol OH! if you have not (i bet you have) i truly reccomend Interview With a Vampire, and the Vampire Chronicles. i thought they were amazing. Also check out the author Sherrilyn Kenyon. Her books are amazing. and are more than just vampires.
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I agree with you, fully and completely. There are far better books out there.
The Wicked Years (Wicked, Son of a Witch, and A Lion Among Men) <- Good popular books
The Looking Glass Wars Series <-Good semi-popular books.
The Legend of The Five Rings <- almost NO ONE has heard of these books but I love them to death.
The Study Series (Poison Study, Magic Study and Fire Study) <-Wonderful books. Wonderful author. Support the hell out of her folks
With good fantasy lit out there, WHY do people read Twilight? I wish to shed a little light on the situation.
Well, while I HATE the Meyer books with the fire of a thousand suns, there is four reasons these books have done so well.
1) The present day setting
The average reader isn't a fantasy fan. A present day setting is easy to slip into for the casual reader. You know, kinda like how most smut is set in present day.
2) The descriptions of beautiful people. In the hormone driven pre-teen and teen years, many girls gush over "teh hotness zomg!"
3) The cover. The flat out sell-you-shit-that looks-like-chocolate marketing. It's mysterious, it's simple and it gives the reader delusions of reading a more "adult" book. And what's more appealing to a teenage girl than feeling like an adult?
4) Bella. She's vague. Vague enough for any girl to find something to relate to. True, you want characters to be relatable in literature, but her appeal doesn't come from good writing, it comes from vagueness, from making her a sort of Susie Everygirl.
I would not be surprised if Meyer researched trends in teen fiction and used the knowledge (and I use that term lightly in Meyer's case) to sell more books.
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I agree with you that they shouldn't spakle but i am a totall fan of the twilight saga
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i think i love you. that's all i really have to say...also, sparkily, freezable dildos? WTH? -dies-
just a random question, but do you happen to be a MLIAer? if not, you should totally check it out; you'd fit right in with us. WE'RE A CULT! -maniacal laughter-
right. shutting up now. thanks for making my day wonderful!
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Amen, you summed it up all the way!
seriously meyer? SPARKLY VAMPS?? if i ever meet any fan who thinks thats normal i swear i might just cry!
Twilight has literally taken over all the girls in my school! i can't walk an inch in my school without hearing "OMG EDWARD IS SO HAWT!" or "HARRY POTTER SUX! MOVE OVER TWILIGHT'S THE NEW COOL BOOK!" i think i'm the only girl in my school who makes sense anymore -.- i have to spend lunch and free period with the guys because they think twilight is stupid also! i have a new found respect for guys in my school now
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The only good vampire is one that kills everything in sight like Alucard from Hellsing! Those sparkly wannabe vampires ain't got nothing on that kind of awesome.
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Twilight's about to get published as a manga. There, at long last, shall the sparkles find justification, and thus be free to live and play without persecution.
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So because the fairy fags will sparkle on paper, their retardation is justified? o__O
Maybe I need to look up 'justify' in the dictionary, but I don't think being drawn covers it. I mean, I can make him sparkle right here and now, but that doesn't make him any less gh3y.
See?
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I take it from your use of fag and gh3y that you are anti-homosexuality as well as anti-sparkle? Also, your particular use of sarcasm makes you look less professional. Is this a personal point to you, or not? If it is, I would love it if you treated it as though it were worth a serious discussion rather than a simple tag out of thousands of identical tags on this site.
Also, I know the meaning of justified, and I can prove that the Cullens and others are justified vampires. I've also looked up the word 'vampire' for you; it refers to the mythological undead that drain blood from living bodies. Meyer's works are fiction, which work as a form of modern-day mythology, they are undead, and they drink blood. Therefore, they are real vampires, if a fictional character can indeed be called real. True, the sparkling effect is a rather bizarre trait for a vampire to have, but since this is a work of fiction (from what I personally find to be a rather good book even if others don't), it comes with its own justification.
Also, I intended my remark to be a joke. Obviously, you didn't get it.
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Well, with all the homoerotica in my gallery, Lord knows I hate the gays. C8 And Jews and blacks while we're at it. Since the fact that I throw around the word 'fag' obviously makes me anti-homosexual and therefore if I call any of my buddies 'nigga' I am LOGICALLY anti-black; as any intelligent person would automatically assume. My, I'm quite the negative person!
I never said I was anti-sparkle. Sparkles are fantastic, but only when used appropriately, such as with unicorns, diamonds, and faeries. Like the whole Meyerpire enterprise.
When did I ever come off as professional? If I made you think that in the least, I'm sorry to have duped you. 8D
Ha, no I'm not.
Besides, even if I were to moonlight as a pro, nothing I did related to Twilight would fall under such a category; as there's nothing to be professional about when it comes to literary vomit. Concerning all teh sparklepires, I am in it for teh lulz.
Furthermore, I never said you didn't know the meaning of justified; I noted that I should look it up as I failed to understand how a graphic novel could justify the SOOPER SPESHUL SPRKLZ.
You must obviously know what it means as your failed attempt conveys, so I'm not entirely positive as to why you used the word in the wrong context the first time around. Perhaps all of Meyer's purple prose has deflated your brain, eh? 8D It's all right, I lost a good deal of IQ points when I read the book, too.
TAKEN FROM DICTIONARY . REFERENCE . COM:
vam - pire /ˈvæmpaɪər/
Pronunciation [vam-pahyuhr]
–noun
1. a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.
2. (in Eastern European folklore) a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.
O NOEZ!
I find problems with Stephenie's so-called "vampires" in both of those definitions!!1!!!eleventyhundred!!!!
So I'm still waiting for that justification you were talking about. ^_^
And sweetie, I spent two seconds doing a copypasta of some sparkles and fapping. Are you sure it's me that missed the joke? C8
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Well, that would be my mistake for not looking in your gallery first. I don't usually find it bodes well when the conversation includes the word fag.
I take it your 'appropriate use' of the Meyerprise would include an anus and a toilet?
Sadly, yes. God, Time, or Whatever smight me down for hoping for an honest arguement over the subjective lack in quality over the Twilight series; not just another piece of generic "OMG, Twilight is teh SUX" garbage.
Well, with your clever use of sarcasm, it was hard to tell if that was a joke or not. Granted this is the internet, it's hard to convey an emotion...
Also, as to the sparkle, it's a stock bishonen/bishojo effect (of course, since you found it in your schedule to photograph Death Note shoes, I'd assume you had at least heard of the idea from at least one other anime; sorry for thinking otherwise).
Also, for your definition of vampires, I must point out another vampire. Since you *might* be familiar with anime, maybe you've seen Helsing. During at least one scene, Seres, who fights to save humanity, walks out on a foggy day, but day nonetheless. Mmm, I've seen that before, I wonder where. Oh yeah, THE CULLEN 'KIDS' DID IT IN FORKS. Also, Seres feeds off of medical blood; the Cullens feed off of animals; in neither case to they go after sleeping humans. So, where's your biting criticism for her? Obviously, you've suspended disbelief for Seres Victoria walkin' around in daylight and shunning innocent people's blood in favor of something a little more moral, but not in the case of the Cullens. Also, I've done MY research; vampires were spirits, not corpses. The ground above their coffins was undisturbed, they had to get a virgin boy riding on a virgin horse in order to find out which grave contained a vampire.
OK, honeycakes; back to you.
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Again, that was my fault. Then again, I see people use all sorts of symbols just for the purposes of design without meaning what the symbols mean.
Well you wouldn't do it to the woods, would you?
Well, if you were to assume that, you would be off by a Y chromosome, about 100 pounds, several friends (forgive me for not counting them out), one life (although I do wish for more in it), a set of dreams, and four years of life. You would be utterly correct about the breasts though, though hopefully they won't be that big for much longer.
So rather than explain your views, you've decided to leave a thesis hanging like graffiti on a wall or a dog stain on the carpet.
So? Both sparkles and anti-heroes show up throughout literature. Also, while Bella is normal and while she is insecure about herself, she is not an emo loner. As a matter of fact, Meyer mentions in the books that she has at least one friend that isn't a vampire or a werewolf, but is perfectly normal.
Yes, but Victoria doesn't hunt it from sleeping humans, does she?
Also, true she was transformed by an original vampire. In the Meyerverse, there are no new strains of vampirism: if you are a vampire, it can eventually be traced back to the original.
Also, the Cullens don't sparkle on foggy days because it's foggy. That's why they can go to school, because the light isn't bright enough to set off the sparkle mechanism.
Also, while I've never read Interview with a Vampire, I do have some taste in my entertainment. In fact, I wanted to smack my brains out with my keyboard on several occasions (having very little bile fascination when it comes to entertainment). I just haven't found Twilight very full of bile. *sarcastically* What a hellish crime.
In conclusion, we've always had sentient thought. That was just before we turned away from the mythical explanations for something and tried science. Thus, the name of vampire is a catch-all for anything that was dead, came back to life at night, and caused problems among the living by draining human lifeforce.
Back to you.
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Oh ho ho, how your replies fill me with chagrin. Now I'm butthurt; I better call mahself a WAAAAmbulance.
It doesn't really take looking at my gallery to figure it out, hun. My avatar has two Mars signs right in it, which most people know stands for men. Two of them... together... hmmmmmmm....... >_>...
And no, I would never be that mean to a toilet!!!!!!!! DDD8
All I can say to that is, you know what they say happens when you assume. C8 I could assume without knowing anything about you sans that you enjoy this pathetic excuse for a novel that you are in fact a three hundred pound fourteen-year-old girl with no friends, no life, and flappy pancakes for breasts who dreams of a sexeh sparklepire to inseminate her with demon babies that will later be named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way-Cullen; but I try to be a little more open-minded than that.
We can't really elaborate more on the fact that "OMG Twilight is teh SUX", because anyone trolling around the anti-Twilight pages has probably read it all. The sparkles, the an hero, the **SUPER INTERESTING PLOT!**; and let's not get started on little miss "Beautiful Swan"; who is oh-so plain and boring and nobody wuvs her. TT_TT
I'm so sad for Bella, she's so SPECIAL; how dare the dirty dirty Forks people try to be FRIENDS with her?!?!?! Edward is teh only kewl one, so gtfo.
Instead of trying to figure out why we hate it, why not come up with a legitimate reason to explain how you could possibly like it?
Yes, my sarcasm is quite clever, isn't it?
You're right, it is quite commen in shoujo anime/manga to represent the pretty people when they show up. But they don't walk around with a sparkle. They sparkle when they show up, sparkle when something special happens, but they're not constantly sparkling as they walk around in the sunlight going about their lives.
(And on an art site, I cannot fathom as to why I would take a picture of shoes that I drew on and post it. Damn, must be on crack or somethin'. 
OOOH, WE USED CAPS TO DEFEND THE CULLENZ!!1!!11!!one!
I'm scared now.
I've seen some of Hellsing but not all, and if I remember correctly, Seras started out refusing the blood, but eventually came to accept it, now didn't she? And I'm pretty sure medical blood still comes from, y'know... people? Seeing as she needs it to survive, and all; just as Louis started out in the classic Interview With A Vampire. He too found it immoral and disgusting; feeding only off of rats and other bottom dwellers, but soon came to realize that he needed the human blood. Though I doubt you'd know too much about that, those novels are actually written by someone with talent.
Not only this, but Seras was created by Alucard (i.e. Dracula, as in oldest vampire that ever lived). I thought it was pretty well known that the ancients could withstand the sun, and as Seras was born of the father of all vampires, so to speak, her powers are more than likely immense. I don't know for sure, as I'm not an expert on Hellsing, but that's my guess.
And I bet she didn't sparkle in the fog, did she? C8
Lol, read your Wiki right. Back in ancient times before we had sentient thought and people who could do something mysterious were OMG WITCHES!, they were believed to be demons or spirits. They didn't have a definitive 'vampire' yet, and that's what they would be associated with today.
Ta-da!
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OK, now you're just being hammy.
Ya' know, people do use symbols just 'cause they look pretty. Although I do admit to not recalling what that meant at that time.
Well you wouldn't be that mean to the woods, would you?
All the more reason I don't assume anything. In this case, it's because I know a girl who not only likes Twilight, she enjoys playing paintball with the rest of the guys (and my sister) and raising her pet bulldogs. And she very definately has her own free will, though she's actually rather nice to people.
So, you've left an orphaned thesis statement laying around like graffiti on the wall or a dog stain on the carpet?
Also, the anti-hero is not a new invention. You see heroes that are not quite heroic a lot in literature. Also, Edward is not necessarily an anti-hero, he's just worried that he's going to snap on somebody being the abomination he sees himself to be and as such not very friendly. That, I believe, was how Robert Pattinson (his actor) described him, and I believe that's not a bad interpretation.
Where does it say in the book that nobody loves Bella? In the book, she does have a set of friends that are not vampires or werewolves. Is it that much of a stretch for you to think that maybe she likes hanging out with the Cullens so much for some other reason than the fact that they're all vampires?
My caps were for emphasis, get off me.
Also, I wasn't questioning the reasoning behind you taking a photograph of shoes and posting it here. I stopped wondering why people do things long ago, toots.
And about Victoria: she doesn't hunt it from living people, does she?
The Cullens don't sparkle in the fog either. And in the Meyerverse, there are no new strains of vampirism; all of the vampires in that existance can be traced back to one of the originals.
Finally, you misused the phrase sentient thought. We've always been capable of sentient thought, it's just that the Enlightenment hadn't occured yet and most people believed in mystical explanations more than scientific explanations.
Back to you.
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ok i'm a twilight fan but i COMPLETELY agree with this.
i too think the whole sparkle in the sunlight thing is seriousely stupid.
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Thank you for having so much sense. 8D
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haha. all my friends are twilight favs and they all disagree with me but i just dont see the whole point in it XD
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MJAU.
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^-^! -runs around with arms out making 'whoosh' noises-
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twilight is so retarded. the movie sucked and it had the WORST stroy line EVER. Vampires will never be the same again...
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I laugh at people's insane ability to completely be blind and kill their brain cells with this ....
....
crap stuff.
I mean really, yea it's a romance, but now I disgrace my part vampire charactre :[ now she can hardly be part BAT. I'mma turn her into a vampire huntress XD
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what makes the twilight freaks so damn special that they can't burn in the sun?!!!
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Hahahaha great sticker! I love it! Thank you for pointing out the fatal flaw in Twilight!
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*points to my signatures*I'll admit..I TRIED to read the first book.After all the hype,I just HAD to see if the book was as good as people said it was....*shudders*Part way through reading it in the bookstore,I dropped it and ran to the horror section.I ended up sitting in that section,reading Blood and Gold by Anne Rice..JUST to get the images out of my mind...*whimpers*
and I tried to watch parts of the moive with a friend who got it for laughs....I have NEVER wanted to vomit so badly before....watching The Hills Have Eyes was less painful...
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