Description
TRIGGER DISCLAIMER:
This contains a mildly descriptive rape scene. If this is something you are sensitive to, read at your own risk. It is my story from when I was violated, many years ago.
He had small hands, and they roamed my body deliberately. It seemed innocent enough; massaging my shoulders and upper back. His attentions were a new experience, and unexpected. I melted beneath his gentle touch, lost in a blur of alcohol and emotions. My chair and I became one.
The coke seemed strong for just a soda. It was nasty, but I drank it to be cool. The room spun, and I slumped in the chair. A man stepped from the shadows and I was lifted onto his back with my arms around his neck. Quietly, we returned to the shadows, us three; bathed in the darkness of the future unknown.
I was placed on a rigid mattress. The light from upstairs did little to illuminate the obscurity. They were both there though; I could feel their breath on my skin, taunting my senses with their intentions. My pulse quickened in the fear of their judgements. Helped to a sitting position, I felt the release of my breasts, and my shirt removed. My protections were thrown down without a second thought.
Large hands ease me back to the mattress where I remained – exposed. He made no advances towards me, but his friend’s wet lips found mine as small hands caressed my body. I must have kissed him back because his pelvis pressed firmly against the fabric of my innocence. Pinned by his skinny frame, I tried to pretend it was not happening this way. I was drunk, terrified, and unable to fight back.
Empty eyes watched in anticipation for the action to begin. It was a game. The glimpses I caught made my skin crawl in horror. A grand scheme was displayed on his features, and I was the unsuspecting pawn on the board. Fingers toyed with my jeans and I watched them fly across the room. I felt as if I was floating in water; my body was heavy and muffled voices spoke in deep tones. He rose to his feet and his own pants fell to the floor; he was naked, and so was I.
Flesh against flesh; I could feel him move against me, rhythmically. I felt nothing, but something was being stolen from me and I merely let it happen. I wanted to scream, but a large hand clasped over my mouth without a sound being made. The lights flickered in the on position, and I squinted. He was finished, and I laid there – stunned.
Sweat from the forehead above mine, dripped its salty droplets on my neck. It was far from enticing. I was confused and was not exactly sure what had happened. I had so many questions, but my tongue would not move on my command. The male bodies rose to their feet and stepped away as a blanket flew over my nakedness. I felt very ashamed.
I was carried, once again, from one room to another. Wrapped in scratchy cloth, I was guided up the stairs to the bedroom, and put to bed. For a few hours, I felt safe. For a few hours, I forgot about the basement and the story it had to tell. For a few hours, I dreamt of nothing – and it was a beautiful feeling.
Comments: 39
StrangelyShiny [2018-04-07 22:21:15 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
I admit this is difficult for me to critique. It took some time for me to get past the subject matter and give this piece an honest analysis, but I think it deserves one. The imagery you have here conveys just how horrifying and outright wrong the whole scenario is. What I like most is that you're concise and to the point here; you don't need to go overboard in description with this sort of topic, because the detail here is more than enough to understand what's happening.
"Something was being stolen from me and I merely let it happen."
There, that part is perfect. You don't need to spell it out; the reader has enough clues in the details to fully understand what's being done. And that final line, how beautiful it was to dream of nothing, just speaks volumes about the narrator's feelings and reaction. She's so overwhelmed by everything that she's in a state of sensual nothingness, and she would prefer that over actually being able to process what was done to her.
The one thing that stopped me was this line: "lost in a blur of alcohol and emotions." In the next paragraph, it sounds as if the narrator was given a drugged coke. But she was already described as being drunk, so I feel like the story really only needs one or the other. It's hard for me to say this though, because for all I know that could be exactly what happened to you. If it is, I apologize for nitpicking such a thing. I want to give your work honest criticism while still showing you the sensitivity you deserve. The one other thing I can think of is this bit here: "He was naked, and now, so was I." That feels just a bit clunky; I think it would be best rewritten as:
"He rose to his feet and his own pants feel to the floor; he was naked, and so was I."
But other than that, I really think you wrote something hauntingly beautiful here. If only your inspiration weren't from personal experience. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h… " width="35" height="17" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="576" title="Huggle!"/>
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PennedinWhite In reply to StrangelyShiny [2018-04-07 23:54:01 +0000 UTC]
Firstly, thank you for your insight. I have been trying to write this for years, honestly, and I could never get the memories to flow appropriately. I am glad this came out well, as it means I actually succeeded in portraying what happened, without having to sort through the specific details beyond what has been said at this point. I am sure there is more I could've put into this piece, but too much more would've made it miss the point.
As for the being drugged assumption, I can't answer that honestly. I have no proof of additional products being used outside of the alcohol, but I wanted to express my ultimate dislike of the strength that they had provided, at least. I remember it being at least 1/2 alcohol (rum or jack), and 1/2 coke, hence it being really nasty. Heh. No one in their right mind drinks something that strong.
And, lastly, you are right about that line. I will combine those two statements for a more thorough thought.
Thanks so much again, dear. My own husband hasn't been able to read it all the way through yet. I don't think, without the personal experience, it would turn out like it did. Now, to try and write about the months that followed... Those were definitely rough in their own right.
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lovemyscars [2018-09-22 00:29:20 +0000 UTC]
I can't read because of triggers but you're very brave for sharing your story!!
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HaveFaithHopeLoveArt [2018-09-09 20:47:34 +0000 UTC]
I have something personal to say I was violated too. I was sexually harassed. Here's my story
The Time I Was Sexually Harassed Mature ContentContains mentions of sort of sexual content. Do not report this in please. People get this wrong. The side affects of trauma don't always have memory loss. People experience trauma differently. I know that because I experienced trauma because I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. Here's my story of how I was sexually assaulted. I was in Science class one day when I was in the 8th grade. And I decided to sit by a boy that I thought would be a nice boy to talk to. I started talking to him about cars. Back then I was obsessed with cars. We had a good conversation. When I was talking to him he touched my hair. I told him nicely to stop. He didn't remove his hand so I moved his hand for him. I kept talking and he kept touching my hair I asked him to stop I removed his hand. Then during the conversation he touched my leg. He did that several times. I told him to stop I had to remove his hand. He did that several times. Then he moved his hands down my
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HaveFaithHopeLoveArt In reply to PennedinWhite [2018-09-09 21:11:02 +0000 UTC]
Speaking of rape I have someone you can talk to too if I can convince her to get a DA account. She's only on Wattpad at the moment.
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PennedinWhite In reply to HaveFaithHopeLoveArt [2018-09-10 13:21:32 +0000 UTC]
I think I have a Wattpad account, that I use very rarely. If she
wants to talk, I don't mind.
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wouldwing [2018-09-06 16:37:20 +0000 UTC]
Bravery personified in telling your tale. Courage is not necessarily an act, you see. Those demons responsible for your suffering would have felt courageous, I expect. Yet cowardice is surrendering to sin, if one wishes to call evil by such a euphemism. You have not surrendered to it, and I applaud you for facing this aspect of your reality.
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wouldwing In reply to PennedinWhite [2018-09-07 14:15:44 +0000 UTC]
You’re most welcome. As the Son of a victim (though thankfully not the Son of a perpetrator) of rape, it boils my blood to hear of such things, and equally, to see these issues treated with such flippancy by media and popular vehicles of “entertainment”. I wish you the very best.
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GDeyke [2018-06-22 20:37:21 +0000 UTC]
This is very hard to read, but effective, and very well done. The prose flows very nicely.
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Memnalar [2018-05-08 02:48:30 +0000 UTC]
I believe you.
What kind of critique are you after, specifically?
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Memnalar In reply to PennedinWhite [2018-05-11 03:44:33 +0000 UTC]
On the whole, it's very effective. Particularly the way you focus on your attackers not as whole people, but as parts. That drives the point home in ways that don't have to be stated outright.
I have an observation, and that's all it is. I'm going to detach a bit to talk about it.
His attentions were a new experience, and the red flags were held at bay.
The room spun, and I slumped in the chair, not thinking about the motive behind the burning sensation in my throat.
Now, what I'm about to say may sound wildly out of line, and I apologize for that; my intent is to address the writing, not what actually happened, and absolutely not the narrator's choices. In that light, it seems to me that these two bolded statements draw focus away from the narrator's attackers and shift it toward the question of whether the narrator should have done more to remove herself from the situation. I don't think that question is appropriate, and that this would be best served by taking those parts out.
Anyway, you may disagree, and I'll say no more, except that you have all of my admiration for putting this into words.
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PennedinWhite In reply to Memnalar [2018-05-11 16:17:36 +0000 UTC]
Also, I switched up the lines in the first paragraph a bit, as the order felt a bit weird.
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Memnalar In reply to PennedinWhite [2018-05-11 16:25:26 +0000 UTC]
It reads better now. Your reorganization of the first paragraph is also an improvement!
I'm glad to help.
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