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Rum burned the back of my throat, despite the mixing of coke with the fiery liquid. It tasted far from how it should, but little did I know or particularly care at that intense moment. I reveled in my rebellion; my breaking of personal rules, exposing myself in true humanity's form. Vulnerable to attack, I let down my mental guard, with my inhibitions following suit. Soon to be beyond saving; to be brought from my unguarded stupor, I did not realize that they had evil brewing in their thoughts. They were waiting for the right moment to strike, when I reached my weakest point before passing out. I would be complacent and compliant, so they could mold me into what they wanted me to be. I was at their mercy, but they were not there to save me, but to destroy the sanity of what I held dear.

It had been an innocent enough night, friends gathered together for a night of fun and games. Unaware of the hidden plans being put together by the men in the room, the two of us girls felt as safe as we could in the company of four males friends, two of them classmates. When alcohol was brought into the equation, we thought little of it, no realizing the danger we were putting ourselves in by partaking of the toxic drinks. We thought we were imagining things when we tasted the strong mixtures. Pushing the warnings from our minds, we continued to try and enjoy ourselves with music blaring and the engagement of games with the group.

Things turned south when one of our friends became bold and thought it would be amusing to chain my friend to her chair. I was beyond intoxicated at that point, and I felt helpless in my drunken state of confusion. I did not understand what was happening, and I knew she did not either. Two girls lost, in the protection of their friends, and to be betrayed by predatory instincts. They saw us as easy targets for their desires in our weakened position. Our fragile minds not realizing the willingness to participate in their evil plans to destroy our innocence. I watched as my friend was carried to the bedroom. Unable to know what was happening behind the closed door, I felt guilty for putting her in that situation. I blamed myself for my weakness in protecting us both from the unknown predators in the house. Allowing myself to be susceptible to the encouragements of our male friends. Little did I realize that my night was far from over.

Cooing in my direction, the last two of our friends, as one had left to replenish our drinks, saw their chance. Their hands were gentle, stroking my back as if to console my frazzled nerves. They presented an offer of comfort, and blindly I followed, lost in the drunkenness of my body and mind. I was long gone from the burning liquid that I had been served in a generous amount. Carefully, I was lifted onto one of their backs, and they did what they could to keep me calm in my near panicked state. My friend was out of my sight, and I had no idea what was going to happen to me – if I would suffer the same fate as she was that night, or worse. Little heed I took of my own situation, thinking mostly of my friend, not realizing the danger that was building around me.

I was carried down a flight of stairs to the basement, the room cool and dark. Laying me on a mattress that was there, I regretfully believed they were allowing me to rest; to sleep off the stupor that plagued my mind. Yet, I would soon find out that their intentions were far less honorable. One lay beside me, while the other climbed on top of me. He kissed me, and I was in no state to resist his persistence. I was no longer in my body. As I responded with instinctive reactions – kissing him back. Not understanding what my body was doing, as it was only encouraging him to take the next step, to rip sanity from my fragile mind. My response was not of my own choice, but the choice of being human.

Slowly, my clothes came off, one article at a time until I was left naked beneath him. I did not know what he was thinking, and I was in no state to guess. As my head rolled from side to side, unaware of the dire situation, I could do little to fight back – no awake enough to know that I was left open to their predatory minds. His clothes were off in a flash, at least it seemed like it. He pressed against me, and I was too lost to realize the moment my innocence was stolen from me. My body was no longer mine, but his for the taking and I could do nothing to stop him. Words failed to reach my lips, betraying me in my moment of preservative need. I barely felt it, never once flinching from his touch, but I knew something was not right. I was terrified.

Suddenly, brightness filled the room, blinding my sensitive eyes. He leapt off of me in horror, or what I believed to be horror. The soft caress of cloth covered my exposed skin. Words seemed to be exchanged, male voices arguing back and forth – my name mentioned from time to time. The two men disappeared upstairs, and I never saw them again that night. Gently, I was carried upstairs to the bedroom in a firm hold, keeping me steady on shaky legs. I was encouraged sleep off my blurred state of mind, and I welcomed the restless sleep, holding it close for as long as I could. Little did I know the repercussions of what I had just experienced. I was lost, confused, and fragmented from what they had done.

It would take years, many years, to find solace in my world of endless torment.