Pepper-the-phoenix [2018-01-05 23:30:39 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Hi! I thought I'd critique a piece by a fellow nutcracker.
I really like this piece. The premise is very strong and there are some genuinely creepy moments in the story. I love working in a local legend and introducing the monster through a college initiation. I think that is very clever and provides fresh love into the whole local legend/monster is real trope. It's also a nice way to get your main character to face the monster on his own. I, myself, am a fan of the disembodied voice illustrated through italics and I think it worked really well here.
I think my only comment is to slow down. This story is very strong and has a strong plot to arrange itself around, but I think you're rushing through it. Once Alex starts encountering creepy things, it'd be nice to slow down and give us a chance to fully feel the free. You have some nice moments, already, but building on top of those moments and paying a painful eye to the environment and how Alex's body is reacting to ghost would add the suspense. This would be particularly effective when the white lady shows up. In this draft, thinks speed up after the white lady shows up and we're not given a chance to understand her or to see how Alex responds differently to her and how the fear she inspires is different from just walking through the woods.
Although Alex is surprised to see the white lady, he seems strangely determined to follow her/stick around. There isn't a moment when he thinks of calling for Dan and the others or even running and finding his legs can't move. He also just assumes the lady is a ghost and doesn't stop to wonder if this was arranged by Dan and the others to scare him. Also, after he asks about the house, you tell us he was shocked, but you don't show us it's shocked. And you tell us it's a terrifying feeling, but you don't show us the terrifying feeling. Taking your time at the very end will add the creepiness factor and suspense factor.
My only other comment is that it might be helpful if you provided some of the local legend in the beginning. Give us an idea of what we should see, so we can either be surprised that the legends were true or that they weren't true and it'd help us understand why Alex is so scared in the beginning. Right now, he's just scared and we can assume he's scared because of the local legend, but since we don't know what that legend is, we don't know if we should be scared to.
Overall though, I think this is a very strong piece with a great plot and an interesting approach. Honestly, the fact that I want you to slow down and add more is because I enjoyed it so much and it left me wanting more. Keep up the great work!
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JessaMar [2018-02-09 18:27:01 +0000 UTC]
You build the suspense in this piece very well. And I like your brief exploration of how sometimes having a light on a dark night is no help at all.
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BlizzardBlitzer [2017-11-04 04:31:19 +0000 UTC]
Ah, I didn't notice the critique bit until after reading. The only thing I could point out is that "Was his ears . . . ?" should have "were" in there instead.
I like your use of a local legend. It's unique and sounds like the kind of thing you'd hear, which would later prevent you from traveling that road at night, gobbledygook or not.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1