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PennedinWhite — Until Death
#dare #death #ghost #ghosts #husband #initiation #lovers #shadows #spirits #wife
Published: 2017-11-02 17:59:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 544; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Description Alex walked behind the group of four guys. Dan, the leader of the troupe, stood at the front. It was a particularly dark night, as the cycle of the moon was new. Stars tried light their way down an empty road, but they were dazed by the beam of an industrial flashlight. Alex was not one hundred percent sure on where they were headed, but he had an inkling from previous conversations. His nerves were not going to be pleased if he was right. At last, the group came to a halt and the beam was directed at Alex's eyes.

"Ready?" Dan asked coyly.

"Where are we?" Alex responded with his own question.

"Doesn't matter, necessarily," Dan explained. "Just know, this place isn't for the faint of heart."

"Riverdale Road..." Alex mumbled. "Really?"    

“You want in, right?” Dan taunted with a slew of snickers behind him.

“Yeah.” Alex replied firmly.

“Well...what the fuck are you waiting for?” Dan gave him a small shove towards the thick darkness ahead of them.

The shove caught Alex off guard and made him want to bury his fist in Dan's face, but he knew it wouldn't accomplish anything. Besides, it was his initiation, so starting a fist fight would immediately take him out of the running. He didn't want to join to be a part of the 'gang' per se, but there was a particular girl at school he wanted to impress, and figured this would do the trick...if it worked. If he failed, he would be going to plan B and he had no idea what that would entail at this point.

“We're waiting!” Dan motioned to the depths of the blackness that was in front of them.

Alex flashed angry eyes at an impatient Dan; he would start walking when he was ready, and he at least wanted his eyes to adjust to the night. Turning his gaze away from the group, darkness stared back at him. Riverdale Road was not a place to take lightly, at least according to the stories. It was supposedly haunted, and Alex wasn't sure he was ready to take it on. But, he no longer had a choice; go for it, or give it all up. Digging out his phone, he turned on the flashlight and began his journey.

Shadows danced around him. Despite having the light from his phone, he was discovering it was more of a bane than an aid. He was certain he kept seeing eyes watching him, at least it felt that way. Voices whispered from all directions, making his skin crawl. It was far from a quiet walk. The trees creaked and the animals sent warnings through the branches. Glancing back, he could barely make out Dan and the rest of the guys. They were outlines in the darkness, but they waved their arms in the air as if they were cheering him on. He was not sure that was the case at this point. They ultimately wanted him to fail, and that was evident by the fact they had him go through this 'initiation' in the first place, but he was going to do his best to prove them wrong.

Even though he had a light, he kept tripping over random rocks in the road. He never fell down, but they made him stumble a good distance each time. The blackness was starting to close in around him, and the light in his hand did little to illuminate his path. His eyes began to play tricks on him. The shadows inched closer, and strange lights flashed around him. The temperature was dropping quickly, and the hair on the back of his neck was standing on end. There was something ahead of him, and he was not sure he wanted to find out what it was.

Suddenly, he thought he heard singing. Pausing his steps, he listened – motionless. It was a woman's voice and he frantically began to look around trying to find the source. It was really creeping him out, and his phone was of no help in finding where the voice was coming from. It was a sad song; an old song, and one he did not recognize. It almost sounded as if she was crying as she sang. And yet, he could hear all the words clearly. Were his ears playing a nasty trick on him?

He continued forward, trying to find the source of the singer, but she was elusive.

“Hello?” He asked the inky darkness.

Run away...

This time, he was quite sure his mind was playing with him. He could feel the presence of something, and it gave him the chills. With a quick scan, he still could not see anything. Though, the flashing lights were getting closer. Each step he took was more hesitant than before, wary of what may lay in waiting for him.

“Jesus, Alex. Get control of yourself...” He mumbled into the night. "Nothing's out there. It's just the wind."

Run away...

“Holy Fuck!” Alex jumped, finding a woman standing next to him as he turned towards the voice.

He leapt out of his skin. She was there, clear as day; fully corporeal, but glowing ever so slightly. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but his mind told him to keep his hands to himself. She was a beautiful lady; long blonde hair and stunning green eyes. The dress she wore was an old white gown, nothing you could find these days without going to a costume shop. He began to wonder who she was and where she came from.

“Who are you?” He whispered to her.

Who am I? Who am I... No one... But you are someone...

Her voice trailed off each time, as if she was trying to figure it out herself. He wanted to know who she was, and help her if he could. She seemed out of place with where she was. As if reading his mind, she pointed down the road and motioned for him to follow her.

Against his best judgment, he walked behind her; following her footsteps that made no sound on the gravel. How did she do that, he wondered silently. Could she be? It wasn't long before the outline of a very large house could be seen in the distance. A mangled dead tree was also within sight, and glowed much like the lady did. It wasn't very clear, but he thought he saw a rotten rope hanging from the branches, but the mirage seemed to disappeared as he drew closer.

“What is this place?” He asked the mysterious lady.

My home... Your home...

He was shocked. Had he been tricked? As they approached, she started glowing brighter and the air around him dropped steeply in temperature. He could see his breath crystallize in the stillness. It was a terrifying feeling. They drew closer to the house and he could hear laughter; the laughter of children playing, but no one was in sight. Something was definitely not right, and he felt he was in too deep to back out now, and he did not know what would happen if he tried to run.

Once again, she motioned to him to follow her, but he was hesitant and didn't move right away. The laughter had faded away and a cackling was heard. With a quick glance at the lady, he could feel his body trying to cower. She was changed. No longer was there flowing blonde hair; it was stark white. Her face transformed into hideousness. She was part of his nightmares. He tried to run, but was held by an invisible force. A figure stepped from behind the mangled tree; vileness emitting from it. The lady let out a ghastly scream before vanishing into the darkness. The shadowy figure rushed at him; rushed at his frozen body. He screamed his life from his soul.

You should have run away, dear boy...

Awake, my love. Breathe once more...
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Comments: 6

Pepper-the-phoenix [2018-01-05 23:30:39 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


Hi! I thought I'd critique a piece by a fellow nutcracker.

I really like this piece. The premise is very strong and there are some genuinely creepy moments in the story. I love working in a local legend and introducing the monster through a college initiation. I think that is very clever and provides fresh love into the whole local legend/monster is real trope. It's also a nice way to get your main character to face the monster on his own. I, myself, am a fan of the disembodied voice illustrated through italics and I think it worked really well here.

I think my only comment is to slow down. This story is very strong and has a strong plot to arrange itself around, but I think you're rushing through it. Once Alex starts encountering creepy things, it'd be nice to slow down and give us a chance to fully feel the free. You have some nice moments, already, but building on top of those moments and paying a painful eye to the environment and how Alex's body is reacting to ghost would add the suspense. This would be particularly effective when the white lady shows up. In this draft, thinks speed up after the white lady shows up and we're not given a chance to understand her or to see how Alex responds differently to her and how the fear she inspires is different from just walking through the woods.

Although Alex is surprised to see the white lady, he seems strangely determined to follow her/stick around. There isn't a moment when he thinks of calling for Dan and the others or even running and finding his legs can't move. He also just assumes the lady is a ghost and doesn't stop to wonder if this was arranged by Dan and the others to scare him. Also, after he asks about the house, you tell us he was shocked, but you don't show us it's shocked. And you tell us it's a terrifying feeling, but you don't show us the terrifying feeling. Taking your time at the very end will add the creepiness factor and suspense factor.

My only other comment is that it might be helpful if you provided some of the local legend in the beginning. Give us an idea of what we should see, so we can either be surprised that the legends were true or that they weren't true and it'd help us understand why Alex is so scared in the beginning. Right now, he's just scared and we can assume he's scared because of the local legend, but since we don't know what that legend is, we don't know if we should be scared to.

Overall though, I think this is a very strong piece with a great plot and an interesting approach. Honestly, the fact that I want you to slow down and add more is because I enjoyed it so much and it left me wanting more. Keep up the great work!

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JessaMar [2018-02-09 18:27:01 +0000 UTC]

You build the suspense in this piece very well.  And I like your brief exploration of how sometimes having a light on a dark night is no help at all.

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PennedinWhite In reply to JessaMar [2018-02-12 13:36:22 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. I know it does need some work, and I will revisit it at some point to clean up the fast pace a bit, but I feel it isn't too bad all things considered. It is definitely a learning experience.

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BlizzardBlitzer [2017-11-04 04:31:19 +0000 UTC]

Ah, I didn't notice the critique bit until after reading.  The only thing I could point out is that "Was his ears . . . ?" should have "were" in there instead.

I like your use of a local legend.  It's unique and sounds like the kind of thing you'd hear, which would later prevent you from traveling that road at night, gobbledygook or not.

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PennedinWhite In reply to BlizzardBlitzer [2017-11-05 22:14:37 +0000 UTC]

Ah, good catch! 

Figured I should stay close to hone. Seemed like a fun one!

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BlizzardBlitzer In reply to PennedinWhite [2017-11-13 00:54:55 +0000 UTC]

No problem.

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