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prettyflour — Runaway Pen
Published: 2010-12-17 03:25:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 1028; Favourites: 47; Downloads: 4
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Description
My hands stopped shakingMy mind stopped racing
I stood still
and reveled in some empty nothing
An idiotic box
A bottle of pills
and a runaway pen.
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Comments: 32
I found myself captured by the curious symmetry of the first two lines and perhaps I felt something contrary in them since often if I'm writing anything that vaguely resembles poetry it is often because my mind is racing and my hands are shaking (from the lack of sleep caused by the former situation).
"I stood still" is perfectly short, alliterated and sudden after the rhythmic pattern of the first two lines. "Still" seems to hang in the air and I find myself watching the empty space at the end of the line caught out by its unexpected shortness.
It's not until the next line that I realise that I've been holding my breath for something more to happen. This tension resolves and I find that I have "reveled in some empty nothing" The poet has read my mind. Or perhaps the poet has become my mind.
In the second stanza the poem stumbles into a heavier tone, full of thick tongued consonants as in: "An idiotic box" that contrast starkly with the smooth rise and fall of the first stanza and bring us into a new frame of mine. Our attention is drawn to the imagery. The imagery in the first two lines of the second stanza is ominous and a little mysterious and I think the poet has portrayed the idea of near-insanity well here.
At first the second stanza mimic the first stanza in the way that it's first two lines have some sort of symmetry like in the start of the poem. But when we reach the third line this mimicry is broken, as well as the thick tongued consonants that slowed us down - and like the pen we find ourselves running away on the suddenly easy to read syllables.
If this is a poem about the edge of insanity, it is a place I feel like I have been before, the Runaway Pen seems to be an object that seems so familiar, and for me it is the symbol of redemption, the one that takes insanity and makes it into artistic expression.
The poet here has expressed some deep thoughts and feelings in a way that is simple and delicately placed and I have thoroughly enjoyed looking into this poem. I wish the poet all the best with their writing.
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First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to critique!
When I write poetry, a goal of mine is to use few words that have a lot of meaning and you picked up on so many of the things I used to try and do this. You have a keen eye for detail and are perceptive to what I was trying to convey here. I am so happy to see the things you picked up on!
Thanks again and have a great night.
Peace
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All the best, you have a great feel for words!
Peace
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I really like this!
It makes you think and start wondering what happened with that person.
The edge of insanity is indeed what I thought about when I read your poem.
Oh, and I don't think it's too short. You don't always need a whole paper to make a point ^^
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate that!
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No problem!
There is not that much poetry here on DA so I comment on what I can :3
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It's a lovely poem,
I really like the length it fits in well with it!
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Awesome! Will add a critique soon as I figure out how...
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This is an interesting piece! 
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in my view i think you should really make it more detailed and when i first read it,it more made me think of someone who was just high instead of as you put it "on the edge of insanity",other than tht I LOVE IT
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nice poem! it does seem on the brink of insanity.....
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Great. That's what I was going for!
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It certainly does give an image of writing frenzy... the quick pace and length give off the feeling of anxiety and urgency of someone on the brink of insanity. So i think the length is perfect. I like the idea of a runaway pen, when your mind is racing it certainly feels like the pen was to run away... trying so desperately to write faster than what you're brain can process. Sometimes it feels the same with typing xD. Idiotic box... nice! xD I've always though of the TV in those terms...
Good poem
~♥
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Maybe another stanza. But maybe not. It does convey frenetic energy, a manic quality.
I'm not sure what the idiotic box is--tv? The runaway pen means that you are writing faster than you can think maybe?
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yes the idiot box would be the TV... the runaway pen is trying to write as fast as I'm thinking.
Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it!
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well that's actually what I thought. Sometimes I think too concretely.
Nice piece, you're welcome.
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that's the fun part about poetry... sometimes readers totally get my perspective and sometimes... they get something else completely. Which is still cool!
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