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Red-banner — Zealous
Published: 2011-07-16 21:31:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 574; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 3
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Description The woman took out a pencil. She rolled it back and forth in her hands, feeling the texture behind her fingers. Valleys and mountains shaped by teeth, an eraser that was covered in a sheet of graphite, a tip that was uneven and paint-covered. It was an inadequate tool, but it must do.

She got out a sheet of paper, tapped at her teeth, then began to write down the instructions as fast as she could. The words lost meaning after a while, simply becoming iterations of lines, but still she recorded every single idea that came out of the instructor's mouth.

... And talk to person at end of line. An imaginary salute later, she was tearing the halls apart as she ran, searching madly for anything that might help her on her quest.

"Woman! Hey!" someone called out. "Hey, stop! Where are you going?" she waved back to him, then continued on her way.

As she exited the building, a few blackbirds cawed madly and scattered. The day was bright and blue, every colour saturated after last night's rain, puddles dotting the streets. She re-adjusted her glasses, then dashed down the sidewalk to her first destination.

It was nearly night-time, and a tired woman walked towards her final job. The puddles had disappeared after a day of evaporation. Cigarettes and light poles worked together to light the almost-sleeping town, and car lights followed each other down the curved streets. Everyone was going home and leaving the work district, except for one zealous woman with an assortment of paperwork going upstream.

End of line, end of line. And suddenly there it was, line in the ground and person sitting on it. His head lay on his open palm, his eyes stared at the horizon.

"Sir!"

"Yes?"

"I have everything you wanted, sir." she took a deep breath. "I hope that your loss-"

"It's all right, and thank you. You may go home now," the man stood up and took the package from her.

"You're welcome," she turned to leave, trying to shut off how guilty she felt.

"Ma'am?" it was the man again.

"Yes?" the air was so cold at night. She really wanted to be at home.

"You're a fast talker. That's all I wanted to say," was he shrugging? The woman imagined him shrugging. "Next time you come with your assignments, take the time to speak well."

"I'm a busy woman," she muttered, and with a sigh left the scene.
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Comments: 21

TahniJNikitins [2011-07-22 01:13:23 +0000 UTC]

...she recorded every single idea that came out of the instructors mouth. I believe it should be instructor's, so that it's possessive rather than a multiple.
...except for one zealous women... And I believe you intended a single woman there.

Aside from that - this really was very good. Your descriptions are absolutely wonderful, and, as the reader, I felt very curious about the information she's getting for this man, who he is, why he needs that info...which is good. It's a nice...tantalizing piece. Thank you for sharing.

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Red-banner In reply to TahniJNikitins [2011-07-22 01:52:00 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the comment! I'll change what you pointed out, ahaha @u@.

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WaterColorSeaStar [2011-07-18 00:56:12 +0000 UTC]

Very well interpreted. o u o I love the beginning bit about the pencil.

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Red-banner In reply to WaterColorSeaStar [2011-07-18 02:41:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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WaterColorSeaStar In reply to Red-banner [2011-07-18 05:16:20 +0000 UTC]

No problem, keep up the good work. (:

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Red-banner In reply to WaterColorSeaStar [2011-07-18 15:08:29 +0000 UTC]

I'll try my best!

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Ixona [2011-07-17 09:42:12 +0000 UTC]

Well... This sure is interesting... The woman seems very confident and yet emotional... Can't rly rmbr when was the last time is saw anyone like that... An interesting piece.

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Red-banner In reply to Ixona [2011-07-17 18:27:42 +0000 UTC]

I feel that that is an under-appreciated characterisation, it can work out very well for many characters.

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Ixona In reply to Red-banner [2011-07-18 05:04:40 +0000 UTC]

True, true...

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GiadaDeo [2011-07-17 09:28:32 +0000 UTC]

Interesting piece.

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Red-banner In reply to GiadaDeo [2011-07-17 18:26:29 +0000 UTC]

Glad you found it interesting!

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DarthVengeance0325 [2011-07-17 00:09:14 +0000 UTC]

Huh. I don't usually associate exhaustion and confusion with zealous, but I may be misinterpreting her.

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Red-banner In reply to DarthVengeance0325 [2011-07-17 03:12:13 +0000 UTC]

I do . Whenever I work too hard on something, I end up feeling exactly like the main character. But then again, if it's different for you I guess it's harder to relate .

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eylookturkeys [2011-07-16 23:19:41 +0000 UTC]

I think ambiguousness is overrated.

You've got some great stuff going in here. The beginning is fantastic: it's a great hook, and the imagery is perfect. "Valleys and mountains shaped by teeth?" It's the perfect description of a chewed pencil. I mean, call me overzealous (no pun intended, I promise), but that image gave me the "good-writing" tingles.

The character's action and movements are very relatable, as well. The pencil, the teeth, the glasses - you really brought her to life.

Obviously it's just a first draft, but I think it's a great start. Well done!

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Red-banner In reply to eylookturkeys [2011-07-17 18:26:17 +0000 UTC]

Subtlety is a great tool, though.

Thank you! I wasn't completely sure about the allegory, so I'm very glad it worked out for you! I'm also very happy that the beginning was interesting, I work really hard on starting pieces. Once I've started, I can go on and on, but it's just hard to find a suitable lead.

Haha, thanks. Small details can shape a character very well, I think.

It is still a first draft, so thank you for the comments!

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HeartofSnow [2011-07-16 23:06:41 +0000 UTC]

It's very surreal. then again, most of your work is.

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Red-banner In reply to HeartofSnow [2011-07-17 03:08:38 +0000 UTC]

Haha, my work isn't that surreal, is it?


... Is it?

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HeartofSnow In reply to Red-banner [2011-07-17 13:10:24 +0000 UTC]

...it can be

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Red-banner In reply to HeartofSnow [2011-07-17 17:01:02 +0000 UTC]

Hahaha xD.

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JohnAndreButler [2011-07-16 21:35:12 +0000 UTC]

I get it, anxiousness to complete her task to the point that she seems rushed by everyone else. koo.

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Red-banner In reply to JohnAndreButler [2011-07-17 03:08:15 +0000 UTC]

Yes, you got it completely! Thanks.

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