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Description

As I look out the window at the death of the sky, the dark clouds seem like the ones hovering over my heart. I am alone but, I think about my friends and how they ignore me. I bet they are at the movies or at the mall. It probably didn't even cross their mind to ask whether I wanted to come or not.

Oh well, that okay its not like they hate me or anything… right? Its not like they don't care, they might have just assumed that all the music stuff we have to do that I might be exhausted. I start to hear the tapping of the rain on my window speeding up, pounding on the glass as if they were trying to run away from the horrors of the sky. I am crying and screaming inside, I want to tell them how I feel, the secret I have been keeping from them for years. They don't have time… for me.

When they come over my house they make a huge mess and don't clean it and I don't say anything. They are quick in judging me on what I say or do, and then I TRY to laugh with them but, it hurts.

I hate trying to be happy when I'm not and its hard to hate them when I want to love them…love Him. The phone rings breaking my attention from my thoughts and the rain. I answer it.

"Hello?" I ask hoping that it is Him.

"Hey Ruki its Reita whatcha doing?" I try to make something up.

"Uhhh, I am watching T.V." I bite my lip hoping he'd buy it.

"Oh, well we're just going to Shinjuku Mall !" He sounds excited I want to come now since he is going to be there, but I don't want to ruin his fun.

"Okay have fun, I guess." I just want to hang up right now I can't stand hanging on the phone with him in silence.

"Doushita no nani ka armashita ka? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I hung up. I don't want to tell him the real reason, what happened to me and why I am like this now. I start to crying, the tears streamed down stinging my lips. I liked it. It made me feel calm. I wait for the phone to ring but, it doesn't. It never does, I grab my blanket and wrap myself up in it and lie down on the floor. I don't feel like going to the couch. I close my eyes and listen to rain on the roof I let sleep take over me. I hope to see Him in my dreams. I wake up realizing I have been asleep for 4 hours straight I look at my answering machine, the light is blinking. That has never happened. I push the button to hear the messages.

"You have 3 new messages." *Beep* "Hey Ruki why'd you hang up on me? Call me back. *Beep* " Ruki, your really scaring me, please call back." *Beep* "Hey, its Uruha we were wondering if we could come to see if you are okay and of you want to talk. *Beep* To repeat these mess- Enough of that I don't them to come over I don't want Him to come and see me like this. I got up and went in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I am disgusting and tainted; I don't like looking at myself, to be reminded of that night.

4 Months Ago

"That was our best live ever, 253,719 people!" Uruha screams backstage. As we walk back to our van, I start to feel weird like I shouldn't go with them. I should just go home. But I stayed.

"Hey guys, I heard there is this awesome party going on and Sakamoto's place we should go!"

Aoi is such a party freak but, how bad can a simple party be. As we drove up there were a lot of people, I tried not to think I got out and followed behind Reita. The music was loud and it gave me a headache, which is saying something because I'm doing lives all the time.

"Ru, just relax you'll be fine." Kai was right I will be okay I'll just sit down. Sakamoto has a huge house, he comes up to me and asks me do I want a beer, I take one 1...2...3...4. There was stuff going on outside so I walked out people were dancing. I just stood under a tree away from everyone. Some dude walked up to me.

"Hey why is someone as beautiful as you hiding in the shadows, come dance with me."

Back to reality

The doorbell rang taking me away from THAT. I opened the door, "Moshi moshi, Ruki!" Kai loud voice kinda woke me up. I saw Reita, the God of HOTNESS, I just wanted Him to come in but, of course they all have to come in, right?

"Hi" I let them in and they take off their shoes. "

Ruki why haven't you been calling us or wanting to come out with us or ANYTHING? Have you been getting any of our messages?"

"Uhh yes, I think- I mean yeah I have and I just don't want to go out I get tired easily." Aoi looked at me as if I was retarded.

"Really Ruki your on stage practically everyday you are never tired afterwards, do you think we are that stupid?" How would he know how I feel after our lives, he doesn't know anything. Reita looks at me, and I look at him, I can't take my eyes off of him.

"Ruki are you sure your okay, we're really worried about you." Oh god Reita I wish I could tell only YOU, but I'm afraid to.

"Yeah I'm good, so what do you guys want to do? We could have pizza and watch a movie or something?" Uruha ruined it.

"OR we could go to this awesome club, which would be really fun! Its in Tokyo and I heard they really cool Rock!" Parties and clubs, I don't do those I have to figure a way out of this.

"Umm, I really don't want to go anywhere like that, I'll just stay here."

"WHY? What's wrong?" My heart started to throb really hard as if it was going burst out of my chest.

"I just don't feel like it I want to stay home." Uruha was angry now, its not that hard to get him angry.

"YOU ALWAYS WANT TO STAY HOME, y'know what I DON"T CARE! STAY HOME" He left out the door, and opened it, "Uhhh! COME ON GUYS HE DOESN"T WANT TO COME!" But I wanted Reita to stay.

Bye Ruki, are you sure?"

"yeah." The rest of them left. Now I was again alone, sad and torn inside. I sat down on the couch and turned on the T.V. I laid down sad. Tears began to form in my eyes.

4 Months Ago

"Umm, maybe but I really to."

"Aww, come on don't make me beg." I think about it and I was stupid enough to say yes.

"Uhh yeah, okay." He held me close but, I thought the music was too fast to dance slowly.

"Uhh, maybe we shouldn't dance like this, everyone is dancing kinda fast." He laughed.

"Ok." So we started to dance a little faster, then I started to get dizzy but, I still tried to dance. Then the worst happened, he lifted me and kissed me on the lips. It was strong and…wet but, for some reason I liked it, it made me feel happy.

Back to reality- Next day

I have to go to an interview, I hate them. The interviewers always ask you the same questions, its annoying. I hope Kai does all the talking, he's good at that. I have no idea what I am going to wear I over slept so I NEED to find something quick. I just threw on some jeans and my Black Moral shirt and shot out the door. I'll skip breakfast it won't kill me, right. I saw Reita, I felt a little better.

"Hi Ruki, did you sleep okay? You look tired."

"I just couldn't really sleep last night. How was the party or whatever?" I hope he liked it; I want him to have fun.

"Eh, it wasn't that great I should have stayed with you or at home, especially after what Uruha did. Are you okay?" I still felt hurt at what Uruha said, only if he knew why I didn't like parties anymore, he doesn't understand.

"Yeah, is he still mad at me?"

"Not really, he just wanted all of us to do something." I understand that but, did he have to yell at me, and in front of Reita.

"Why didn't you want to come anyway, you used to love parties."

"Hey is Kai ready to go because I don't want to be at that interview forever." I walk away quickly trying to avoid the question. I hope he doesn't hate me for that; I just don't want to tell him. I don't anyone to know.

"Hi, Ruki are you ready to go?" No I'm not.

"Yeah, I'm ready." We drove over there which felt like forever. I hate driving for long periods of time. We went inside the studio and… it was a girl? A girl is interviewing us; this is going to be horrible. "Moshi moshi, how are you guys, I am excited to be interviewing you guys; I think this is going to be a show!" Oh my god! She talks too much. I am not going to have a good time. And now here we go.

"Konnichiwa, oken gi desu ka and welcome to Beat Shuffle! I'm Hitomi Muramoto, and my guests here are Ruki and Kai from the GazettE! Why don't you guys introduce yourselves." I'd rather eat my own vomit.

"I'm vocalist of the GazettE, Ruki."

"I'm the drummer and band leader of the GazettE, Kai." How come we had to introduce ourselves after she just did, I think she's stupid.

"Now, everyone is excited about your new tour coming up soon, would you like to tell us what it is called?" Alright Kai your up I'm not doing anything.

"Its called The End of Stillness, and its taking place in Yokohama." Good job Kai just keep talking and I'll just sit here, and not try too hard to get lost in my thoughts.

"That's pretty cool, and what goal do you guys want to accomplish during or after this tour?" it's the same question over and over again, what are we going to do afterwards, blah blah blah!

"Well, we want to be able to bring other type of music into people lives who don't know the GazettE."

This interview, that was only a hour felt like 10,000 years. I wanted to go home and hide under my blanket. I wanted Him, I Him to hold me and love me. I know that will never happen, he'll never love like I love Him. I hope she doesn't ask me anything, I wont have an answer.

"So, Ruki?" Just my luck, I have to look at her now.

"We haven't heard you talk, Do you think you'll start and another band if this one is done?" I don't answer, I don't want to. Why should I, I have a right to whether I want to talk or not.

"Ruki?" I get up and leave, I don't want to be bothered by anyone so I dash, and end up in a storage closet.

4 Months Ago

I can't believe he kissed me, and right there I thought I had a boyfriend. I was saved, and I don't have to worry about anything… right? We went back inside and started to talk and then he said, "Let's go for a drive." I looked at him, I just got to know you and you want me to go somewhere with you, but I guess it can't be that bad. We went out to his truck I thought it was weird that he parked in the woods. I got in and he got on the same side and he was on top of me kissing me.

"Do you want to?" What did he say, I was too drunk to make out what he was saying.

"No." I just said "no" because I didn't know what to say. He started to kiss me on the neck and on the lips I tried to push him off, but he was too heavy.

"No, stop I have to go."

"Shh, its ok." I knew what he was doing now because all of a sudden, my was shirt up, and my pants were down. He smelled like beer.

"No! please STOP!" I tried to scream but, he put his hand over my mouth. I kept hitting him, but my punches were nothing to him.

"Shh, its ok, you wanted this to happen to you anyway." I screamed under his hand, my tears streamed down. I tried to bang on the window but of course no one could here me. I kept screaming hoping someone would here me, it felt like my insides were on fire.

"It's okay, I know you like it." I was able to scream out.

"No, please!" His hand covered my mouth again. He started cursing that I was too tight. I started cry, I tried to hit him as hard as I could with all the force I had but it wasn't enough. He started thrust in me harder and I started to scream louder hitting with all the power I had, trying to kick the dash board hitting to windows making my hand red. I put all my force in pushing him off. I felt him come inside of me and I gasped louder than ever. He laid on top of me, breathing hard. I couldn't believe what just happened to me. He got off and sat on the drivers' side. I was breathing hard as well tears streaming down my eyes. I looked up and just screamed putting my hands on my head nearly pulling out every strain of hair from my head. I felt like I was hyperventilating, I kept screaming I started to hear him laugh. I cried hard.

"Now, get the fuck out of my car." He opened the car door and pushed me out, and threw my pants at me and he drove off. I could fell blood trickle down my thigh, I got up and put my pants on and went back to the house. I was in pain as I walked though the party. I tried to find the phone, then I found it. I did the most horrible thing I could do to my best friend. I called the police.

"This is 911 Emergency Service, please state your emergency." I didn't say any thing I didn't know what to say.

"Don't worry we've found your location." A second later someone grabbed the phone and yelled.

"POLICE, This idiot called the POLICE!" I saw red and blue lights outside and then Reita grabbed me and we went though the backyard. Uruha and Aoi looked pissed.

"Why did you call the police? Ruki why did you call the police!" I didn't want to say anything I was scared and hurt.

"We should have left him." I can't believe Kai said that, I looked at Reita. He looked angry too.

Back to reality- In the Storage room

I opened my eyes and I saw Him, I was happy.

"Ruki what happened, are you okay?" He helped me up from the floor. I nodded, I wanted Him to hug me.

"Reita you found him. Ruki what's wrong with you?" I looked down at my feet and at the tile floor. The pattern was weird and it didn't match anything.

"RUKI!" Uh, oh I know Uruha's voice anywhere and the tone was very familiar to me.

"You just split in the middle of a live interview, what is your problem!" I don't like looking at Uruha when he's mad, I kinda get scared.

"I don't know." I mumbled so low he got even angrier.

"Why are you mumbling?" I am going to shut Uruha up for good.

"Your not mom, you can't tell me what to do. I can take care of myself, and decide whether I want to do a stupid interview or not!" He was speechless, thank god. Now all I have to do is get out of here. I ran out the door, I went to my car but I heard Him call out for me.

"Ruki, wait!" I stopped and turned around. "Reita, what are you doing don't you have to do a photo shoot?"

"Nah, forget about it, I don't care. You were really cool for standing up to Uruha like that; someone needed to shut him up." I blushed, he noticed what I did, and that's a head start.

"So, um where you going?" I thought about that.

"I was just going home, but you and I could do something. We could see a movie that came out; or maybe we-." He put his hand on my mouth.

"You need to slow down, or you'll hurt yourself." I blushed even more.

"So, a movie, what did you have in mind?"

Description

As I look out the window at the death of the sky, the dark clouds seem like the ones hovering over my heart. I am alone but, I think about my friends and how they ignore me. I bet they are at the movies or at the mall. It probably didn't even cross their mind to ask whether I wanted to come or not.

Oh well, that okay its not like they hate me or anything… right? Its not like they don't care, they might have just assumed that all the music stuff we have to do that I might be exhausted. I start to hear the tapping of the rain on my window speeding up, pounding on the glass as if they were trying to run away from the horrors of the sky. I am crying and screaming inside, I want to tell them how I feel, the secret I have been keeping from them for years. They don't have time… for me.

When they come over my house they make a huge mess and don't clean it and I don't say anything. They are quick in judging me on what I say or do, and then I TRY to laugh with them but, it hurts.

I hate trying to be happy when I'm not and its hard to hate them when I want to love them…love Him. The phone rings breaking my attention from my thoughts and the rain. I answer it.

"Hello?" I ask hoping that it is Him.

"Hey Ruki its Reita whatcha doing?" I try to make something up.

"Uhhh, I am watching T.V." I bite my lip hoping he'd buy it.

"Oh, well we're just going to Shinjuku Mall !" He sounds excited I want to come now since he is going to be there, but I don't want to ruin his fun.

"Okay have fun, I guess." I just want to hang up right now I can't stand hanging on the phone with him in silence.

"Doushita no nani ka armashita ka? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I hung up. I don't want to tell him the real reason, what happened to me and why I am like this now. I start to crying, the tears streamed down stinging my lips. I liked it. It made me feel calm. I wait for the phone to ring but, it doesn't. It never does, I grab my blanket and wrap myself up in it and lie down on the floor. I don't feel like going to the couch. I close my eyes and listen to rain on the roof I let sleep take over me. I hope to see Him in my dreams. I wake up realizing I have been asleep for 4 hours straight I look at my answering machine, the light is blinking. That has never happened. I push the button to hear the messages.

"You have 3 new messages." *Beep* "Hey Ruki why'd you hang up on me? Call me back. *Beep* " Ruki, your really scaring me, please call back." *Beep* "Hey, its Uruha we were wondering if we could come to see if you are okay and of you want to talk. *Beep* To repeat these mess- Enough of that I don't them to come over I don't want Him to come and see me like this. I got up and went in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I am disgusting and tainted; I don't like looking at myself, to be reminded of that night.

4 Months Ago

"That was our best live ever, 253,719 people!" Uruha screams backstage. As we walk back to our van, I start to feel weird like I shouldn't go with them. I should just go home. But I stayed.

"Hey guys, I heard there is this awesome party going on and Sakamoto's place we should go!"

Aoi is such a party freak but, how bad can a simple party be. As we drove up there were a lot of people, I tried not to think I got out and followed behind Reita. The music was loud and it gave me a headache, which is saying something because I'm doing lives all the time.

"Ru, just relax you'll be fine." Kai was right I will be okay I'll just sit down. Sakamoto has a huge house, he comes up to me and asks me do I want a beer, I take one 1...2...3...4. There was stuff going on outside so I walked out people were dancing. I just stood under a tree away from everyone. Some dude walked up to me.

"Hey why is someone as beautiful as you hiding in the shadows, come dance with me."

Back to reality

The doorbell rang taking me away from THAT. I opened the door, "Moshi moshi, Ruki!" Kai loud voice kinda woke me up. I saw Reita, the God of HOTNESS, I just wanted Him to come in but, of course they all have to come in, right?

"Hi" I let them in and they take off their shoes. "

Ruki why haven't you been calling us or wanting to come out with us or ANYTHING? Have you been getting any of our messages?"

"Uhh yes, I think- I mean yeah I have and I just don't want to go out I get tired easily." Aoi looked at me as if I was retarded.

"Really Ruki your on stage practically everyday you are never tired afterwards, do you think we are that stupid?" How would he know how I feel after our lives, he doesn't know anything. Reita looks at me, and I look at him, I can't take my eyes off of him.

"Ruki are you sure your okay, we're really worried about you." Oh god Reita I wish I could tell only YOU, but I'm afraid to.

"Yeah I'm good, so what do you guys want to do? We could have pizza and watch a movie or something?" Uruha ruined it.

"OR we could go to this awesome club, which would be really fun! Its in Tokyo and I heard they really cool Rock!" Parties and clubs, I don't do those I have to figure a way out of this.

"Umm, I really don't want to go anywhere like that, I'll just stay here."

"WHY? What's wrong?" My heart started to throb really hard as if it was going burst out of my chest.

"I just don't feel like it I want to stay home." Uruha was angry now, its not that hard to get him angry.

"YOU ALWAYS WANT TO STAY HOME, y'know what I DON"T CARE! STAY HOME" He left out the door, and opened it, "Uhhh! COME ON GUYS HE DOESN"T WANT TO COME!" But I wanted Reita to stay.

Bye Ruki, are you sure?"

"yeah." The rest of them left. Now I was again alone, sad and torn inside. I sat down on the couch and turned on the T.V. I laid down sad. Tears began to form in my eyes.

4 Months Ago

"Umm, maybe but I really to."

"Aww, come on don't make me beg." I think about it and I was stupid enough to say yes.

"Uhh yeah, okay." He held me close but, I thought the music was too fast to dance slowly.

"Uhh, maybe we shouldn't dance like this, everyone is dancing kinda fast." He laughed.

"Ok." So we started to dance a little faster, then I started to get dizzy but, I still tried to dance. Then the worst happened, he lifted me and kissed me on the lips. It was strong and…wet but, for some reason I liked it, it made me feel happy.

Back to reality- Next day

I have to go to an interview, I hate them. The interviewers always ask you the same questions, its annoying. I hope Kai does all the talking, he's good at that. I have no idea what I am going to wear I over slept so I NEED to find something quick. I just threw on some jeans and my Black Moral shirt and shot out the door. I'll skip breakfast it won't kill me, right. I saw Reita, I felt a little better.

"Hi Ruki, did you sleep okay? You look tired."

"I just couldn't really sleep last night. How was the party or whatever?" I hope he liked it; I want him to have fun.

"Eh, it wasn't that great I should have stayed with you or at home, especially after what Uruha did. Are you okay?" I still felt hurt at what Uruha said, only if he knew why I didn't like parties anymore, he doesn't understand.

"Yeah, is he still mad at me?"

"Not really, he just wanted all of us to do something." I understand that but, did he have to yell at me, and in front of Reita.

"Why didn't you want to come anyway, you used to love parties."

"Hey is Kai ready to go because I don't want to be at that interview forever." I walk away quickly trying to avoid the question. I hope he doesn't hate me for that; I just don't want to tell him. I don't anyone to know.

"Hi, Ruki are you ready to go?" No I'm not.

"Yeah, I'm ready." We drove over there which felt like forever. I hate driving for long periods of time. We went inside the studio and… it was a girl? A girl is interviewing us; this is going to be horrible. "Moshi moshi, how are you guys, I am excited to be interviewing you guys; I think this is going to be a show!" Oh my god! She talks too much. I am not going to have a good time. And now here we go.

"Konnichiwa, oken gi desu ka and welcome to Beat Shuffle! I'm Hitomi Muramoto, and my guests here are Ruki and Kai from the GazettE! Why don't you guys introduce yourselves." I'd rather eat my own vomit.

"I'm vocalist of the GazettE, Ruki."

"I'm the drummer and band leader of the GazettE, Kai." How come we had to introduce ourselves after she just did, I think she's stupid.

"Now, everyone is excited about your new tour coming up soon, would you like to tell us what it is called?" Alright Kai your up I'm not doing anything.

"Its called The End of Stillness, and its taking place in Yokohama." Good job Kai just keep talking and I'll just sit here, and not try too hard to get lost in my thoughts.

"That's pretty cool, and what goal do you guys want to accomplish during or after this tour?" it's the same question over and over again, what are we going to do afterwards, blah blah blah!

"Well, we want to be able to bring other type of music into people lives who don't know the GazettE."

This interview, that was only a hour felt like 10,000 years. I wanted to go home and hide under my blanket. I wanted Him, I Him to hold me and love me. I know that will never happen, he'll never love like I love Him. I hope she doesn't ask me anything, I wont have an answer.

"So, Ruki?" Just my luck, I have to look at her now.

"We haven't heard you talk, Do you think you'll start and another band if this one is done?" I don't answer, I don't want to. Why should I, I have a right to whether I want to talk or not.

"Ruki?" I get up and leave, I don't want to be bothered by anyone so I dash, and end up in a storage closet.

4 Months Ago

I can't believe he kissed me, and right there I thought I had a boyfriend. I was saved, and I don't have to worry about anything… right? We went back inside and started to talk and then he said, "Let's go for a drive." I looked at him, I just got to know you and you want me to go somewhere with you, but I guess it can't be that bad. We went out to his truck I thought it was weird that he parked in the woods. I got in and he got on the same side and he was on top of me kissing me.

"Do you want to?" What did he say, I was too drunk to make out what he was saying.

"No." I just said "no" because I didn't know what to say. He started to kiss me on the neck and on the lips I tried to push him off, but he was too heavy.

"No, stop I have to go."

"Shh, its ok." I knew what he was doing now because all of a sudden, my was shirt up, and my pants were down. He smelled like beer.

"No! please STOP!" I tried to scream but, he put his hand over my mouth. I kept hitting him, but my punches were nothing to him.

"Shh, its ok, you wanted this to happen to you anyway." I screamed under his hand, my tears streamed down. I tried to bang on the window but of course no one could here me. I kept screaming hoping someone would here me, it felt like my insides were on fire.

"It's okay, I know you like it." I was able to scream out.

"No, please!" His hand covered my mouth again. He started cursing that I was too tight. I started cry, I tried to hit him as hard as I could with all the force I had but it wasn't enough. He started thrust in me harder and I started to scream louder hitting with all the power I had, trying to kick the dash board hitting to windows making my hand red. I put all my force in pushing him off. I felt him come inside of me and I gasped louder than ever. He laid on top of me, breathing hard. I couldn't believe what just happened to me. He got off and sat on the drivers' side. I was breathing hard as well tears streaming down my eyes. I looked up and just screamed putting my hands on my head nearly pulling out every strain of hair from my head. I felt like I was hyperventilating, I kept screaming I started to hear him laugh. I cried hard.

"Now, get the fuck out of my car." He opened the car door and pushed me out, and threw my pants at me and he drove off. I could fell blood trickle down my thigh, I got up and put my pants on and went back to the house. I was in pain as I walked though the party. I tried to find the phone, then I found it. I did the most horrible thing I could do to my best friend. I called the police.

"This is 911 Emergency Service, please state your emergency." I didn't say any thing I didn't know what to say.

"Don't worry we've found your location." A second later someone grabbed the phone and yelled.

"POLICE, This idiot called the POLICE!" I saw red and blue lights outside and then Reita grabbed me and we went though the backyard. Uruha and Aoi looked pissed.

"Why did you call the police? Ruki why did you call the police!" I didn't want to say anything I was scared and hurt.

"We should have left him." I can't believe Kai said that, I looked at Reita. He looked angry too.

Back to reality- In the Storage room

I opened my eyes and I saw Him, I was happy.

"Ruki what happened, are you okay?" He helped me up from the floor. I nodded, I wanted Him to hug me.

"Reita you found him. Ruki what's wrong with you?" I looked down at my feet and at the tile floor. The pattern was weird and it didn't match anything.

"RUKI!" Uh, oh I know Uruha's voice anywhere and the tone was very familiar to me.

"You just split in the middle of a live interview, what is your problem!" I don't like looking at Uruha when he's mad, I kinda get scared.

"I don't know." I mumbled so low he got even angrier.

"Why are you mumbling?" I am going to shut Uruha up for good.

"Your not mom, you can't tell me what to do. I can take care of myself, and decide whether I want to do a stupid interview or not!" He was speechless, thank god. Now all I have to do is get out of here. I ran out the door, I went to my car but I heard Him call out for me.

"Ruki, wait!" I stopped and turned around. "Reita, what are you doing don't you have to do a photo shoot?"

"Nah, forget about it, I don't care. You were really cool for standing up to Uruha like that; someone needed to shut him up." I blushed, he noticed what I did, and that's a head start.

"So, um where you going?" I thought about that.

"I was just going home, but you and I could do something. We could see a movie that came out; or maybe we-." He put his hand on my mouth.

"You need to slow down, or you'll hurt yourself." I blushed even more.

"So, a movie, what did you have in mind?"