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Rieal-DragonsbaneOne Chance
Published: 2011-06-04 21:29:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 17142; Favourites: 526; Downloads: 361
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Description Elliot is four. He watches his grandfather breathe out cigarette smoke in his creaking armchair. The living room is small enough to be heated by the portable radiator near his grandfather's slippers. When the old man realises his grandson waits for him, he begins.

"This is a ruined world, son. Diseased with hatred and war before you were born." He takes a drag on his cigarette and Elliot breathes in the coming smoke. "This world is dead, but I know there's another. We could go to it if we only knew the way." Elliot's grandfather smiles at his thoughts. "There's another place put aside for us. I'll find the door one day."

The radiator splutters to its death and the old man curses his misfortune.



Elliot is ten. His hair is in a ponytail because that's how his brother wears it and his big brother's the best. Nick Ward and his friends from the year above don't think so.

They grab Elliot as soon as he leaves the cubicle in the little boy's room and pushes him face first into a wall, holding him there. Elliot's cheek grates against the wall as he turns to see the back of a young bystander leave.

The familiar click of a lighter is what he hears behind his head. He smells it before the curves of white smoke comes into vision.  To Nick's irritation, Elliot's hair does not light on fire. It only singes. They let him go.

He smells of burned hair for the rest of the day.

At home, he cuts it short.



Elliot is seventeen and he is invincible. The weeks melt into one beautiful summer and time now measures in the hours without her. It has been four hours since they were last together. He wonders if he'll ever see her again when she turns the corner wearing smiles and promises.

They walk together (fingers touching) with electric silence between them.

Tonight they are shy.

Under the tree, whose branches shield them from the world, he can't stop touching her (her hands, her arms, her neck). He touches her lips with his and they kiss for the first time in their make-believe forest. Her name is Sarah Wood and they are in love.

Here, where the smell of night's breeze and Sarah intertwine, he decides the world isn't quite ruined while Sarah is in it. He tells her so.

They kiss.




Elliot is twenty five when he scatters his grandfather's ashes in the community garden. He does not ask for permission, and no one complains. The ash settles in the soil.

As he watches the wind kick up the dark remains, he tastes the bitterness which grows like a tumour in his thoughts. His grandfather did not die from lung cancer, but from a fractured skull. Elliot wonders why his grandfather's home, which has so little, was broken into instead of another.

His wife takes his hand. Sarah plants a light kiss on his cheek and leads him away.

Elliot's thoughts linger on bloodied table lamps.



Elliot is thirty three. He sits at a desk in the basement while his wife yells at him from beyond a locked door. There are numerous journals stacked on the desk, and it is this that they argue about. With great care, he adds to his grandfather's notes and ignores his wife's accusations.

On his desk, sits a picture of his daughter, Eve. She is six and innocent. He tells the photo, "There's a better place put aside for us. I'll find the door one day." He does not believe Sarah when she calls him an absent father.

Sarah pounds at the door in frustration, one last time, and leaves.

The room is quiet.



Elliot is forty seven when war erupts.

He sits in the basement with his family close to him. With one arm he holds Sarah and in the other, Eve. They know their embrace will not save them from the weapons that rain from above. The desk blocks the locked door. His grandfather's journals are in the safe.

Eve cries. She tells her parents of her first kiss under a tree.

Through tears, Elliot tells his family what was unsaid during those silent years. He tells them the world is not quite ruined while they are in it.

They wait for the skies to still.



Elliot is fifty nine when the war ends.

It is Eve's wedding. The hall is filled with children chasing balloons, dancers and happy drinkers. In the centre, Eve dances with the man she kissed under the tree. They are in love. Together they spin through their own make believe world.

Sarah and Elliot do not dance. They stand in a room filled with dust and stacked chairs. Muted music and laughter bleeds through the walls. Everyone celebrates Eve's love. Everyone celebrates the end of the war. Even those who have open wounds where family members should be.

Here, Sarah kisses Elliot one last time. This is their goodbye.

He goes home to his grandfather's journals, but leaves them unread tonight.



Elliot is eighty four. He winces as his arthritis-riddled bones make their way across the damp rock. He wishes for youth again.

In the darkest depths of the cave, where even the light of his torchlight is swallowed, he finds the door. He gropes through the shadows until his hand meets the smooth metal. The door is without rust.

As his fingers take hold of the handle, his heartbeat quickens and plays off beats. Elliot pounds his chest and wills his irregular heart to quieten down. He has come too far to die.

Cries of joy tip out of his quivering lips and Elliot opens the door to the other dimension. Light and dust flood through. He throws up his hands to shield his eyes.

When he can bear to see again, he looks through the door frame and witnesses his new world. A grey land pocked with craters stretches far beyond sight. There are remnants of missiles here – broken – home to nothing – not even cockroaches. The wind kicks up old ash and obscures the red midday sun. This world is dead.

Elliot stares, not understanding.

Eventually, his eyes chance upon the door again. There are words inscribed not on his side of the door, but on the other side – the dead side. It says:

Last Chance Here

Realisation stops his broken heart.
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Comments: 290

Disestablish [2014-04-04 14:15:37 +0000 UTC]

Got to the end and had to read it again with the ending in mind to finally understand the narrative and meaning.
With that in mind I much more enjoyed reading it.
Great read all and all.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to Disestablish [2014-04-05 00:57:14 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ViNa-Shiranui [2013-12-06 04:31:28 +0000 UTC]

Wow.  This is an amazing piece.  I especially love the way you set up the time flow.  The ending was extremely powerful. 

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to ViNa-Shiranui [2013-12-17 13:25:37 +0000 UTC]

Thanks.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

ViNa-Shiranui In reply to Rieal-Dragonsbane [2013-12-17 22:23:21 +0000 UTC]

   No problem!

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lucydragon17 [2013-07-22 09:04:10 +0000 UTC]

And this is where my brain implodes... love this piece.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to lucydragon17 [2013-07-22 09:10:16 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

SkysongMA [2013-06-28 02:19:31 +0000 UTC]

Ohhhh man, that was fantastic. I loved the style, and the pacing was perfect.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to SkysongMA [2013-06-29 16:40:28 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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Fingleschkaise [2013-04-13 17:45:04 +0000 UTC]

Read the ending once - "WHAT? O.o"
Read the ending a second time - air escaped my lungs. Still reeling from the blow, I..
.. Read the ending for the third time, and: jumped out of my chair, crouched on the floor and concentrated on not screaming.

Now, a few minutes later, still feeling prone to some light convulsing, I am able to say:

I hate you, you amazing, brilliant, cunning human being.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to Fingleschkaise [2013-04-18 22:44:13 +0000 UTC]

Excellent.

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MelCasey [2013-02-02 04:47:14 +0000 UTC]

I've been trying to get back into writing myself and found that a lot of the advice given was off-putting, making writing seem like a chore with a certain process which must to be followed in order to create something worth reading. This really inspired me to ignore a lot of that, and just write what I want to write. It was absolutely lovely. Thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to MelCasey [2013-04-18 22:46:01 +0000 UTC]

Oh, writing advice is terrible without a filter of some kind. xD

I'm glad this inspired you somehow, and I hope you've managed to write what you wanted to write.

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oviedomedina [2012-11-12 01:47:07 +0000 UTC]

That last scene with the message on the door...ooof, punch to the gut.
Weird, because I feel stupid for not getting the meaning of said message.
Nevertheless, love how vivid you made the story be, almost like a movie.
Excellent job!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to oviedomedina [2013-04-18 22:49:07 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

Ah, don't worry about the meaning or anything. It's somewhere in the region of 'The dangers of chasing "More"'. But I think people might take different things from it anyway. It doesn't matter.

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EelGirl [2012-11-04 05:39:15 +0000 UTC]

This story is magnificent. I really love how you've managed to tell an entire life story with only scenes.

The only part that trips me up is the end. Just to be clear, at the end, he realizes that life was the good thing, and that he wasted it waiting for heaven (or the good side of the door)?

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to EelGirl [2013-04-18 22:51:06 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

At the end, he realises he was on the good side of the door already. He lived his life on the good side, and he wasted it.

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vannerie In reply to EelGirl [2013-04-13 12:45:25 +0000 UTC]

Imagine that people have messed up the world and caused an apocalypse several times, but each time they found a brand new world to live in afterward. He opens the door to another dimension only to see that there is no new world, and that when the one he lives in is gone, life will stop existing permanently. That's how I understood it.

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doublethefun [2012-07-17 04:09:56 +0000 UTC]

Daaaaang....... mind bent

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to doublethefun [2012-07-20 21:55:28 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you liked it. : D

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Venry [2012-06-30 03:17:01 +0000 UTC]

Absolutely stunning, thanks for sharing.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to Venry [2012-07-08 23:53:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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snurtz [2012-06-30 02:33:15 +0000 UTC]

GAH! Making my cry again. Why do you do this to my heart!?

The scenes flow well together, and I don't think you should change anything.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to snurtz [2012-07-08 23:59:12 +0000 UTC]

I don't even know why I do it to my own! But it feels pretty alright, if that makes sense. xD

Thank you for your comments!

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Adley16 [2012-06-18 03:22:31 +0000 UTC]

Oh. my. goodness... this is just amazing! I love how you take us through all of Elliot's life, it's just great writing! I feel like I know every single character so well, and even though you passed through 84 years in like 7 min, I feel like I understand everything that happened in his life! (And congrats on the DD! You deserve it!) This is just an awesome job!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to Adley16 [2012-06-18 20:01:16 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Wow, thank you so much! And thank you again for the watch. I hope you'll like my other stories just as much.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Adley16 In reply to Rieal-Dragonsbane [2012-06-18 20:16:03 +0000 UTC]

No problem! You deserve it!

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UiaBird [2012-02-12 22:08:44 +0000 UTC]

This is really great!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to UiaBird [2012-02-13 16:48:14 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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A-Rose-In-Misery [2011-12-23 11:53:43 +0000 UTC]

This is amazing... That's all I can say, really. Everything from the way things were described to the format of the piece was astounding.
*adds to DeviantWatch*

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to A-Rose-In-Misery [2011-12-24 18:07:20 +0000 UTC]

Aww, thank you! c:

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Wolfrug [2011-09-25 07:21:08 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful stuff. for sure. <3 (I'd have more to comment, but I'm sure everything's already been said once or twice!)

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Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to Wolfrug [2011-11-01 16:36:57 +0000 UTC]

Haha, that's fine!

Thank you. c:

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kamcalste [2011-09-25 02:16:13 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations on the DD, lovely! It's well-deserved. this is an exceptional piece.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to kamcalste [2011-11-01 16:38:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much! ;w;

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

deva143 [2011-09-23 07:41:24 +0000 UTC]

“That was great.” You’re an amazing writer and an amazing person. I hope you never stop writing, and never stop inspiring others as you do now.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to deva143 [2011-09-23 11:38:22 +0000 UTC]

Thank you. I'll definitely keep writing. c:

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ThatDeadGirl [2011-09-23 00:29:50 +0000 UTC]

I bookmarked this after I saw it in the DD queue. I didn't have the time to devote to reading it, really reading it, so I put it off until I had enough time to cogitate on it.

It's really beautiful and painful to read.

Do you have a favourite and least favourite scene?
~My favorite was the end scene. It sort of jumps out from the crevices and gnaws on your brain. I know I'll be thinking of this for a good, long time.
~My least favorite was probably Eve's wedding. I just felt it could have been a bit more elaborate. I mean, this is the stuff we're SUPPOSED to be living for, right? It was nice, but it could have been richer with imagery, like when they're huddled in the bunker exchanging stories as if their lives depended on it.

Any scene which you thought was not visual enough?
~The wedding. I got really beautiful detail from every other scene. This one lacked just a little.... Oomph.

Any scene which you thought was not emotional enough?
~Absolutely not. I started crying the moment Elliot kissed Eve under the tree and didn't stop until well after I'd read the end. It's really a visceral story and it's easy to read, right up until the end. The ending really opens a wound.

It's truly an amazing piece. Thank you for sharing it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to ThatDeadGirl [2011-09-23 11:44:00 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! And thanks for the detailed feedback too. c:

The wedding scene has already been revised a few times, so I'll believe you if you say it's still not up to the mark yet. When I come back to this story, I plan to take a closer look at Eve and her husband and make it just as nice as Elliot's kiss. Hehe, I'm quite excited about making this improvement.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

ThatDeadGirl In reply to Rieal-Dragonsbane [2011-09-23 12:45:15 +0000 UTC]

I's great that you can take feeback in stride instead of taking it personally like some artists do. I don't hate the wedding scene. I don't even dislike it really. It's a good scene, but it's not as raw as some of the rest of it. That seems like Eve's moment to sine and it should be as beautiful and as rich as the rest.

I look forward to reading it again and again as edits are made. It really would be a great episode for a TV show like Twilight Zone or something similar.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to ThatDeadGirl [2011-09-23 21:24:00 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. Learning to hear critique is a good skill for artists.

I probably won't be making edits soon since I'm working on a novel at the moment, but I'll definitely revisit this one in the future. Hopefully I'll remember to tell you if any edits are made. c:

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

JuliaMurphy [2011-09-21 23:54:13 +0000 UTC]

I think I know the answer but I have to read it for sure- did Sarah leave him after their daughter's wedding? ;_;

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Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to JuliaMurphy [2011-09-23 11:44:54 +0000 UTC]

Yes. ;;

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KavithaSukesan [2011-09-21 12:13:13 +0000 UTC]

Great story!!!!!!!!!!!!u r too gud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to KavithaSukesan [2011-09-21 19:38:34 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, Chechi! C:

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

highfunkion [2011-09-21 01:34:28 +0000 UTC]

Thats cool

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to highfunkion [2011-09-21 19:38:51 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

mirosango14 [2011-09-19 23:07:19 +0000 UTC]

very deep, I don't think I understood it entirely...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Rieal-Dragonsbane In reply to mirosango14 [2011-09-20 16:07:29 +0000 UTC]

Feel free to ask questions about the story. Pointing out which parts you don't find clear enough will help me too.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

mirosango14 In reply to Rieal-Dragonsbane [2011-09-20 17:41:16 +0000 UTC]

well, I'm not sure why Elliot obsessed over those journals by his grandpa. and in the last scene, I get that he goes back to his old house, but I don't understand the "last chance here" part.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1


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