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rober2 —
On conversations
Published: 2011-10-03 17:09:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 10493; Favourites: 158; Downloads: 43
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Description
Ihave upset the order
of things, birds
fall fast and featherflappingly from
shaken skies, and leaves
curl backwards into trees
which snap
from frost in summer, my heart
is a bell that rings until
glass shatters and frost falls
fearful on the ground and I
just do not know how
to tell you.
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Comments: 43
Oh wow, congrats on the DD. I read this a while ago, and kept meaning to comment but I am a total slacker until now. I love this, this is gorgeous. I love the abrupt end of it, and I love the middle of it, and love the start. In that order. In fact, I quite like to read the last lines, then middle then start in that order. Which is not to say that I think you should change the order, but more that I enjoy the cyclical nature of this. Wonderful work.
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Wait, like this:
I
just do not know how
to tell you
my heart
is a bell that rings until
glass shatters and frost falls
fearful on the ground and birds
fall fast and featherflappingly from
shaken skies, and leaves
curl backwards into trees
which snap
from frost in summer and I
have upset the order
of things
?
Huh, I can see the appeal, although the weight of meaning is the other way around - and the end becomes kind of redundant, since now you're telling people that things are wrong, which, err, they should have been able to figure out on their own, having just read it. I was reading lightningmonkeys poem 'Adam' yesterday, and it sort of kind of had a setup like that, although also completely different and wonderful. At any rate, I'm not sure there is a clear cut cause and effect in these things, especially once we're expressing it in poetry. Anyway, I was very surprised to see that I got another DD, especially since I haven't been active lately and I hadn't heard a word from anyone on this poem. I really appreciate your comment, though, it's worth all the +favs in the world.
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I don't necessarily mean you should reverse the order, but rather was just enjoying how it kinda works both ways.
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I know, I was just confused which way was the other way
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Nice! I love short poems that consist on one convoluted sentence.
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I honestly read that first part as "I have upset the order of the birds", and became very worried.
For you should never upset the order of the birds.
But then I read it again :3
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And I hoped you liked it better when you did
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I really like this. Simple, yet full of emotion. Subtle yet powerful.
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This was really nice. It's not only really pretty but even fun to read since it flows so well. ^_^
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Great. I know how it is, the best art is the one fed by true emotions and which are the strongest emotions, if not the ones of longing.
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Oh, I don't know - lots of good art is fed by other things than emotions.
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If that is your opinion, that is very well fine, but I find that art which has a sort of emotional substance to it usually has the stronger impact on me. But just like my first comment I don't mean this exclusively and absolutely, I'm just expressing a tendency based on my own experience and opinion.
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wow, thats so emotional and powerful, jhow the hell can u write poetry like that?! (i am asuming it is poetry)
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By having practiced a whole lot 
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This poem, oh I love it. I love how you have implemented the breaks in between. love it.
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Congratulations on your DD! This is so gorgeous. The ending is what I like - how it grows and grows. Every bit was gorgeous, and though the repetition of "frost" was surprising, I loved the alliteration. So well deserved, congratulations again.
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I love the way you ordered this. I enjoy the way a poem looks on a page and this actually feels like my mind when I can't find what I want to say, so everything I see swoops through my mind except for the right words.
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I see a friend in like minds at times. ^_^
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Chirp, congrats on the DD, it's been twittered. [link]
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Thank you, I am quite proud of the flow myself
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you certainly should be!
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Like the comment above notes, the things going backward theme is well evoked and adds another dimension to the simplicity of the imagery--and I don't mean simplicity as a negative here, the images put together form an excellent backdrop for the context of this piece. I think this is well-written, right up to the aptly abrupt stop of the conclusion
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Hmm, I wasn't really going so much for a "things going backwards" as a "things are all wrong" kind of mood - although I can definitely see why you'd read it like that.
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Well, yes, that is what I meant by "things going backwards"--that it was all going wrong, so I'd say you got what you were going for
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Ah, good, I thought you meant like in a temporal way, which wasn't really what I meant with the poem. But it's all good, then
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I do like this a lot. Building the whole piece around the one conceit of things happening backwards just works for me.
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Thanks, although I was going for a "things are wrong" conceit, rather than a "things are going backwards" conceit
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