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ScentOfThunder — Part I--The Fourth Sister
Published: 2005-08-20 06:35:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 200; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description
A fantasy story which began some time ago about a wicked monarch, three sisters, and one good witch.Related content
Comments: 6
Great story so far! Couple of critiques because I'm feeling nitpicky today:
Overhead, the storm took a turn for the worst, angered by the powers that controlled it, the natural force took its vengeance out on the helpless town, pouring walls of water down upon it.
Too many commas for my liking. I would take out the commas entirely and make this two sentences (splitting them after 'powers that controlled it').
The dust stuck to everything, coating everything in mud.
I think it could be a bit more powerful if one of the 'everythings' were taken out and replaced with a more specific word.
He crouched at the end of the ally
Alley?
There were a couple of other typos, but I know you can find those on your own. You have an amazing ability to create a setting and characters that immediately draw me in, which is unusual because I'm not really a fan of fantasy. I'm going to go read the other three parts of this. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you so much for your critique! ^_^ It seems like it's been a while since I got some detailed feedback. ^_^ And you're absolutely right, those two sentences really could be stronger with the changes you suggested, and *hehe* yeah, I meant alley. I'll have to go through and pick out the typos when I get a chance. ^_^ I'm so glad you liked it! It means a lot coming from you ^_^
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Very atmospheric at the beginning. 
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This is the one your "Little Moonchild" story reminded me of. And yes, there are a few more parts--but it's not totally finished. Priorities have interrupted its progress.
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Aww :/ well I hope you are able to do some more on it.
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