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ScentOfThunder β The Angry Pacifist
Published: 2005-04-26 09:27:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 175; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 8
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Description
Ok, well, this is a brief look into the world of my vastly larger story, in which Tristan, Marha, Sam, and Rawley all exist. The full story is science fiction, but this particular clip doesn't really deal with that aspect of the story. Actually, it's just me working out the details of Tristan's character when it's really late at night. SO! Feel free to comment if you like--I don't think this particular scene will actually ever go into the full story, since it's just a test-run, but I'm always open to comments--especially for improving fight scenes--I have a horrible time with them. Any suggestions and help in that area would be invaluable!Related content
Comments: 7
"Crowerβs face was tight and pale, a direct contrast to Tristanβs bright red glower, and his eyebrows were pulled down so far that his eyes were almost hidden. The pacifist, meanwhile, looked close to exploding."
I think the word 'meanwhile' could be taken out here. I got a little confused the first time I read it because the first sentence talks about both Crower and Tristan, and the next sentence makes it sound like it's referring to a third person because of that word.
"She suppressed the seed of respect forming in her stomach, and caught up with the other two."
I really like this; great ending! Tristan's definitely an interesting character. Altogether, well done!
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^_^!!! Thanks for the comment! And yes--That sentence is a little odd--I'll go back to it later this afternoon and brush it up.
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Very nice story. The combination of narrative, description and dialogue is well balanced and enjoyable to read. I like the plot/concept too. I only spotted very minor problems, such as some sentences that I think got too long and complex. I also think you introduce too many names in the first paragraph, but it's not really a problem.
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As far as the names thing, this is a piece of a far larger story in which all of these characters have already been introduced. Of them, the only person I wasn't familiar with was Crower, so it was different reading it from my perspective.
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Mmm, yes, I could see the name thing. I wrote it that way mainly because I don't want to confuse people with all the "he"s, since there are four guys present. It would get fairly confusing without a mention of their names, but it's something to consider. Maybe I can go back and describe them physically and refer to them that way. ^_^ I'll consider it if I plan to do something with it. ^_^
Which sentences did you feel were the most long and complex? That I can change easily. ^_^ And what did you think of the fight scene? Was it focused/visual enough? How was the flow, the actions, that sort of thing. I wouldn't be surprised if my most complex and confusing sentences were in that section... ><
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I think there were probably two actually problematic sentences, the ones beginning with "He was still shaking" and "It was enough to startle Crower". But in general I'd recommend you to aim for a bit shorter sentences. Of course you can have a few long sentences every once in a while, but one has to be very careful so that the structure doesn't get too complex or confusing.
The fight scene was fine, I liked your descriptions there. It was visual enough and I also like the fact that it wasn't entirely visual. The flow was rather good, though having more variation in the sentence lengths would help it further.
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^_^ ah, alrighty. Thank you very much for the advice!
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