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ScentOfThunder β Third Floor
Published: 2005-05-03 04:24:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 228; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 7
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Description
Nothing to say,Just "Swing away."
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Comments: 24
Please forgive me if you don't agree with my critique; it's only my opinion.
Mainly, I love it. There are a few little things that distract the attention away from the moment though.
'I quietly bless the guy who invented pockets and slip my hands into them.' the 'I quietly bless the guy who invented pockets' is one of those little distractions. It's a cute sentence and it might fit elsewhere (I suggest you keep it saved away somewhere ^.^) but for prose like this it seems like it doesn't quite fit. Keep it simple.
'like people are waiting in their windows, just hoping Iβll trip and make a fool of myself.'
This one doesn't fit either, in my opinion. I'm not sure how you'd like to revise it, either.
All in all, I really like this piece. If you fix those things you'd have a DD, in my opinion.
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^_^ Thank you so much for your review! And I think you're right. I wrote this piece a while ago, and I think what you pointed out are definitely it's rough spots. Since I have time at the moment, I think I'll give it another once-over and see about making those changes.
And thank you for the glowing comment. ^_^ You've made my day! Haha!
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^_^ thanks a ton! I may just take you up on that! ^_^ How's this new revision?
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It's absolutely lovely. I'm suggesting it for DD ^.^
I have one edit that's still bothering me, don't know why I didn't pick it up before..
'Halfway up my driveway,'
it's the fact that they both end in 'way' I think
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^_^ haha! I see it now! Ah well, I don't know--I may just leave it since it will take infinitely more words to define that movement, and it's only important as a measurement of how far he's gotten. Who knows? Maybe that'll be one of the things I'll change at some later date.
But thank you so much for the encouragement! haha ^_^ Your advice has been invaluable!
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You are absolutely amazing... I know if I said this in person you'd laugh and turn it back on me, but truly... you're quite possibly the greatest writer I know, and that includes a published authoress. The way you can create a scene is just amazing--you phrase things perfectly, and your wording is neither obscure nor simplistic. Yours is a talent that I can't wait to see in hardcover.
And I know I'll see it there just as soon as you're ready.
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There is only one way to answer this:
I- I don't know what to say
How's NY, by the way?
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Wow this is brilliant. Very very vivid/descriptive. Love the imagery as well... really makes the writing a lot more enjoyable. You know you have an exceptional writing style... just amazing
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O_O Wow! Thank you so much!!
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tis great... you are a great writer..... the thoughts and actions are realistic, and the setting is just the same... its odd when that happens to people....
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Indeed, it is very odd indeed. (and thank you so much for the comment ^_^!!!)
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And I am apparently very repetitive when tired and running on stress... Interesting....
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Wow, your writing is amazing. This is wonderfully written and the boy's thoughts realistic. I have to say I'm envious of your ability.
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Wow! Thank you so much!
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I can't get over how great a writer you are. You come up with some of the most interesting ideas- its insane how uncommonly unique they are.
Anywho... I did notice a grand total of two mistakes. 1: I just realized this was not a mistake, but my own lack of the ability to read and comprehend. 
Now for more gushing. I love how you turn a phrase. I'm a big fan of imagery and you seem to have mastered it in this piece. "lips parted just enough to look a little like a dead fish", "Does every guy feel like theyβve eaten a brick after something like this?", and (my favorite) "It smells like heartbreak."
Oh...and I think I love this guy. Such a great character (etc and more gush). Keep up the good work.
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Ah yes--the storm door. I was curious to see if people knew what this was--but I think it may be a New England thing, I've heard it is. Basically, it's like a screen door, but instead of having a screen, it's got glass/hard plastic. I could just go back and change it to screen door, but there's a very distinctive slamming--they're usually very heavy and very springloaded, providing more of a CRASH than a metallic slap like a screen door. ^_^ I actually like this description better than the one liner I put up there, so maybe I'll just slip in a little clarification. ^_^ Hehe
^_^ I'm so glad you liked it!! Man, I'm still blushing. ^_^!!! Thank you so much!
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Yeah, it wasn't until I went back and read it again that I noticed a storm door was a real thing. I have heard of them- but yeah, not that commmon round these here parts. ^_^
Anyhow I'm glad you liked my little comments- you should be happy- you are a good writer and I am highly jealous. *Tackles SoT by the knees and begins searching for hidden talent.* ---"Where do you keep it? Hand it over!"
hehe....
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Hehehehe! ^_^!!
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This is really good, I how it's written, and the guy's thoughts seem very real.
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^_^ why thank you! I'm so glad the guy's thoughts are realistic--it's always a concern when writing the opposite gender. And thanks for the fav ^_^!!
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ooh, hey, i didn't know you could do that with Devart. Interesting.
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I *like* how it's written, that should say
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