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schmiale — Barstool games
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Published: 2004-08-28 11:49:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 86; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
Smudged lipstick and eye shadowMercurous smile and a baby pout
Seen from across a neon room
Spell disaster on a napkin
Spell it out in digits
Seven numbers of cold sentiment
Embroidered with an empty heart
Slip it in my pocket slowly
Avoiding attention
So much unwanted
Slide the paper in my pocket
While I slide my arm in hers
Walk out with nicknames
Wait for tomorrow
I always call
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Comments: 4
"Mercurous" seems a very odd choice of words. maybe that's what you were driving for, though.
mer·cu·rous
adj.
Relating to or containing mercury, especially with a valence of 1.
i really like the second verse. it flows quite well. however, the last line of it, "So much unwanted" doesn't go as easily as the rest of the verse. perhaps because it seems an unfinished sentiment.
all in all, a good poem, though!
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I used mercurous to mean liquid, or fluid, because that's one of mercury's more predominant properties. It could be a bit vague though.
You're right about the last line of the second verse, the last line doesn't go that great with it, it's there mostly for transition between the second and third stanzas and should probably have been left on its own. I stuck it with the second stanza to keep some form of symetry between the stanzas though.
Thanks for your comment.
Alex
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Oooh, I like. I can't really think of anything to critique on this. . . .
But, as i said, I like.
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