Comments: 569
voyagy [2022-07-31 02:13:19 +0000 UTC]
👍: 1 ⏩: 0
Whymate [2021-06-10 20:32:51 +0000 UTC]
Hidden by Commenter
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
0lexdelapp [2014-04-05 02:22:40 +0000 UTC]
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Hello~! I have to warn you that the only creepypasta I read besides this one was the Hetalia one, and I won't be able to compare. But I'm sure that I will be as honest as possible~! ^^
When I first started reading this, I was completely surprised. I've seen pictures of Laughing Jack, and didn't know that he was very colorful before things took a wrong turn. I actually feel quite sorry for Jack, and I was also surprised that I wasn't sad at all when Isaac died. I give vision 100% because I could see what was happening clearly, and loving every second of it! XD
Like I said before, I haven't heard the stories of any of the creepypastas, except how the bonus episode of APH. So to me, this is all you! *thumbs up*
I have to say, you are an amazing writer! This is better written then some books I've read! I'm actually really jealous~! So a perfect 10 on technique!
Impact: HOLY SHIT, I'm gonna remember this forever! This is seriously one of the most amazing pieces I've read, and I just can't find a reason to dislike it. It's filled with a few things I love! Gore, blood (same thing, I don't care), a few things I can relate to (like the being poor kind of thing), it takes place in 19th century in London (I love that combination!), friendship, and most of all. . . TORTURE!! I don't know why but I just love the idea of torture (don't judge please)
I actually wish I could go on and on about torture, but I'm already way past the limit on here! Actually, the only thing I dislike about this is how they tortured. I will just rap this up with just one or two sentences so I don't have to bore you. If I was in their shoes, I would careful with how I do it. For one thing I wouldn't break their bones. I would only give flesh-wounds, make their pain last as long as possible, and treat their bones like precious jewels. . . . I just creeped you out, didn't I? XD
Well, that's it for me! Bye~! ^^
(Total count of words for this critique is 363. Not counting this note of course.)
👍: 1 ⏩: 0
hailgenocide [2014-01-17 11:26:08 +0000 UTC]
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This story is well-written, well, it is quite gruesome, but very well-detailed. In the first part, it definitely captures the feeling of sadness, neglect and somewhat betrayal, not being able to live the luxuries of other people and unfairness that has come into Isaac's life. And when it comes to the point of Laughing Jack seeing Isaac through the box, it comes back to the neglect and betrayal of how no one had talked to Jack. With Isaac torturing the other people, it was like a watch-and-learn for the point when Jack came to torture Isaac.
If one was reading it and could picture this happening, it would surely cause a few frights, or even a lot (it doesn't scare me).
A negative, the capitals, such as the
"EVEN WITHOUT A FACE YOU'RE STILL AN UGLY LITTLE SHIT!!!", it could threaten the reader.
Overall, this is very well-written and it describes many emotions, from jealousy to revenge and vicious glory. Well done, Snuff.
👍: 1 ⏩: 0
Username353 [2014-01-08 22:46:41 +0000 UTC]
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Wow, I didn't realize Laughing Jack had an origin story~! Shows you where I've been. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/a/a… " width="19" height="19" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="417" title="Sweating a little..."/>
Alrighty, so let's begin. Overall, it's not a bad story by any means! However, in terms of the formatting and such, I fear that there might be a small "wall of text" issue. Although you do have a bit of an indent for each paragraph, there's still incredibly long paragraphs- plus, although there's the indent for the paragraphs, the lack of space between each of them still gives the "wall of text" illusion. The only reason something like that can be concerning is that it can overwhelm readers. XD Yet, at the same time, it's easily fixed~
Now, onto something that I think is more important than the paragraphs. For every new character that speaks, you should write the line of dialogue on a new line. So, an example would be-
Instead of-
"Pop goes the weasel...", but nothing happened. Isaac let out a sigh, "It's broken..."
Try something like-
"Pop goes the weasel...", but nothing happened. Isaac let out a sigh-
"It's broken..."
Even when the same character speaks, if they happen to have an especially long monologue then it helps to break up their dialogue onto a new line every now and again where it's appropriate. Again, it's all to avoid the dreaded "wall of text" and to make the story flow more smoothly. ^^
Now, to get really nit-picky!
You seem to have neglected to put in some apostrophes here and there- like "Id" instead of "I'd", "Its ok!" instead of "It's okay!"- "Ill" instead of "I'll"... but again, super small stuff that's easily fixable with a little proof reading. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/>
Now onto the incredibly nit-picky!
If you can- try to avoid the excessive use of caps or exclamation points. Like for example, when someone's yelling- "EVEN WITHOUT A FACE YOURE YOU'RE STILL AN UGLY LITTLE SHIT!!!"
Try something like italics or bold face words. And one exclamation point will suffice just fine! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b… " width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/> So- re-written above, it would look like
"Even without a face you're still an ugly little shit!"
I personally thing that using those sort of things would have a lot more impact rather than all caps with a few exclamation points. ^_^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
villiantimewleeannn [2013-12-17 00:14:06 +0000 UTC]
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This is a beautifully crafted work of art. It left me hungry, and wanting to hear and see and imagine more of Jack's killings. And, "I really don't do kidneys"? magnificent. The reference to Eyeless Jack that I saw, sorry if I am wrong, but that seemed very macabre and also left me thinking of dark humor. I think that your writing was very developed and was, in fact, so detailed that I imagined the whole entire story. There is also something that I would like to point out. I found no spelling or grammatical errors. This is something that I, personally, love to find in the fan fiction universe. This is an amazing work of art, as I have said once before. The part at the beginning, the introductory, was so vivid and magnificent. It really made me feel Isaac's life in my heart and brain and mind.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
ExpectOCs [2019-11-17 22:09:00 +0000 UTC]
Soiled bed sheets? Isaac is a little pp boy. I read this out load to my friends and refused to call him Isaac and only Pp Boy
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
LadySionis [2019-08-22 20:18:36 +0000 UTC]
I really loved the part where Jack claims kidneys aren't his thing. It was like a shout out to another Jack we all know and love. XD
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Ephrom-Josine [2019-06-02 03:01:23 +0000 UTC]
You have somehow made the torturing and killing of a child and a blind woman boring, congratulations. Bad Creepypasta was right, this story is the worst kind of awful. Keep in mind, that's coming from someone who actually likes the idea of Laughing Jack. You have no understanding of poverty in the 19th century, no understanding of history in general, and no understanding of how to write anything but gore. That isn't scary, it's more gross followed by bland. I was more disgusted with you for writing such detail in regards to children being killed then I was actually scared. This is really only scary if it were a nightmare happening to you, not scary if you're reading it happening to someone fictional. While I think you do have a good chance of becoming a good author, make no mistake, this is a story you'll have to work your way up from. Basically, it's clear you can write, this just is not a good example of you doing so.
👍: 1 ⏩: 2
muffinatmidnight In reply to Ephrom-Josine [2020-02-07 08:13:23 +0000 UTC]
I haven't bothered to read the entire comment section here, but you're the only sensible person I've come across so far.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
MugiMewgi [2017-11-03 06:22:41 +0000 UTC]
While I thought the first Laughing Jack story was good on it's own, this is a alright sequel if you ask me. Although it kinda ruins my headcanon of it all being in the mother's head and she really did kill the son, but whatever.
I am not a fan of the beginning, Jack is a literal Deus Ex Machina to begin with, he could've had a better introduction or something. Though I do like how Jack changed for the worse. The part with the dead cat does a good job at foreshadowing the killer that Isaac eventually becomes, and also the part about how Laughing Jack adapts to whatever Isaac likes gives a good explanation on how Isaac's sociopathic change affects Jack as well, and why he would want to kill him after being released from the box. I also like how despair had caused Jack to lose his color and emotion, very emotional there. For all of you nay-sayers who say it's all gore, that is not true. I mean look at those moments like what I just described.
When you think about it, Laughing Jack was not initially evil. He is only what Issac actually was and changed to be, not to mention he was also put into years of solitude without Isaac. So he is actually just a poor soul forced to do what his counterpart turned out to be. It's actually kind of sad when you think about it. Plus even though Jack goes on to kill other children, he killed Isaac who had now become an insane murderer, so with Isaac's death he is not really killing a good person.
However, there were some problems that this story really had that I must address. I mean this isn't a terrible story, but then again, not a masterpiece. For starters, this takes place in the 1800s, but he uses an Adrenaline Shot on him? Adrenaline Shots weren't invented until 1901.
Overall I'd give it an 8 out of 10.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
LunalaCrevan [2017-06-02 00:21:39 +0000 UTC]
Love this!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
LeilaTree [2017-05-21 16:27:56 +0000 UTC]
Damn its such a good yet scary story
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
killerkitfangirl [2017-04-07 05:51:41 +0000 UTC]
i read this listening to pop goes the weasel ... thank god i have sleeping pills tonight
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
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