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SSEJBAT — Lust+Pacing For Its Own Sake
Published: 2008-04-26 12:10:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 263; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description I
Like an hourglass, measuring the sands of explanation running loose.
Inwards breath, to fly away
On the wind
But these bones feel
Too heavy for the sky

My muscles twisting
Turning
Spasmodic thoughts
In the claustrophobic terror
Of an empty
Room
Where sometimes chases forever in a mobis-strip loop



II
Serene moments pass
Before it visits again
This need to write, to shape the world from a moment
From this chair
And put my mark on a feeling and say that that was mine

I put the spaces in later
And then take them out
Because they'd remain unseen by your gaze
And later by mine.

Though theres no devils or blood
For this page to take today
There isn't enough to go around
When you think about it


Just abstract concepts
Exaulted for their meaning
In science and magic, hope and pain
As if the distinctions between make any of the difference

And yet
Do the clouds feel lonely?
Is that why they join on a rainy day?
When opulent sunsets are overrun with so many
Eyes unseeing

And does animal instinct
Make us any less human?


As if grinding and moaning
And tearing a space in the fabric of the sky,
Will allow a glimpse of god before
'Sleeping with ghosts'
And realising that no matter how hard you try
You can't turn lead into gold
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Comments: 10

hidden133 [2008-08-07 02:29:19 +0000 UTC]

The stanza-
Serene moments pass
Before it visits again
This need to write, to shape the world from a moment
From this chair
And put my mark on a feeling and say that that was mine
was my favorite, beautifully written. your words convey a true feeling.
the vocabulary was perfect, I don't think you could have chosen better words,
except for one - I would have put sleeping with spirits, instead of ghosts. I don't know why, just sounds more...I don't know what it sounds more o, I just think it gets the messgae out better,
GREAT job

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SSEJBAT In reply to hidden133 [2008-08-07 13:36:24 +0000 UTC]

thanks so much for the crits and praise! i take on board what you said but the reason i used the word ghost is to do with the picture i had in my head of the album artwork to the placebo album sleeping with ghosts![link]

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hidden133 In reply to SSEJBAT [2008-08-07 23:23:14 +0000 UTC]

oh, ok that makes sense now for you to choose ghosts.
you are very welcome

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SSEJBAT In reply to hidden133 [2008-08-07 23:31:56 +0000 UTC]

thanks!

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morninghasbroken [2008-08-06 13:23:26 +0000 UTC]

My favorite sentence is: "This need to write, to shape the world from a moment ".
At first I thought it said word, but world is so much better! ^_^

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SSEJBAT In reply to morninghasbroken [2008-08-06 13:24:49 +0000 UTC]

thanks!

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Salem-rae [2008-04-26 17:51:27 +0000 UTC]

Wow, this was amazing. Fantastic work, you never cease to impress me ^~^ My favorite line would have to be "But my bones feel to heavy for the sky". Again, wow. Fantastic work ^~^ There was a couple of spelling mistakes here and there, but the flow of the poem, and the vocabulary chosen was perfection ^~^

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SSEJBAT In reply to Salem-rae [2008-04-26 18:03:58 +0000 UTC]

wow cheers and chers for the i thought it was a bit disjointed!

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Salem-rae In reply to SSEJBAT [2008-04-27 05:00:01 +0000 UTC]

lol! not at all ^~^ i loved it!!

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SSEJBAT In reply to Salem-rae [2008-04-27 12:08:29 +0000 UTC]

hehe cool well its had a few edits now

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