Comments: 11
awesomeyes [2011-12-22 02:36:52 +0000 UTC]
How old is she? A lot seems to have happened for her being so young. Character seems well developed and I do like where the story is going.
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TheSpokesman In reply to awesomeyes [2011-12-22 03:06:32 +0000 UTC]
She is sixteen going on seventeen, and yes even for a sorceress her life has been eventful! Thanks so much, hope you like the rest too.
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Mousetrap2 [2011-02-22 22:50:38 +0000 UTC]
I really do like it.
You have written it very well. Wren is a good main character. I got from reading the kind of Character I expected him to be and his actions corresponded well with his voice.
I would definitely pick this book up and read it even though you hint to vampires coming up in the future.
I had some of a hard time figuring out if they were in a city or if they were in a magic school type situation.
The guy at the cafe confused me a bit as well in his entrance.
Maybe if he had been staring at him from across the room from the moment wren entered the cafe and then followed him out?
But in totality this was a great read and I highly enjoyed it.. I can't wait to see more.
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TheSpokesman In reply to Mousetrap2 [2011-02-23 03:07:45 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I really appreciate it!
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The second chapter is available (link above in the artist's comments)if you're interested.
Thanks again!
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TheMorbidHobbiest [2010-08-20 01:36:09 +0000 UTC]
Wrens not very likeable. She drinks tea, and doesn't like cars or tv, meh.
It doesn't seem bad so far. You are going for a "young adult" type story right? Its has that feel.
I think we need to see more to decide fully.
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TheSpokesman In reply to TheMorbidHobbiest [2010-08-20 02:59:20 +0000 UTC]
Well her growth as a person is half the journey!
Yeah, more young adult this time. So less vulgarity and violence...
You'll have to read it then haha!
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mochahazelnut [2010-08-19 04:44:20 +0000 UTC]
All in all I enjoyed this immensely. I only found a couple typos, but no biggie. I really enjoy the main character although I wish she were taller, too many short protagonists in my mind, but that's just me the tall person talking haha. One plot point and I don't know if you're leaving it out on purpose but you mention what happened to everyone after the move except for her mom. The only reference to her is the fact that their dad is constantly trolling around trying to replace her. Now I could have missed it and if I did, I apologize, but I thought I'd just point it out. Again, this was an extremely interesting first look and I am interested. When you mentioned Pyro getting killed by vampires at a party, I immediately thought of the mage party that you had in the Dani Black series. Unrelated? Also, I just have one request/suggestion. Could you possibly indent new paragraphs? The reason I ask is that it just makes it easier for me to read and understand because otherwise it's just giant blocks of text. Now if dA doesn't allow it, that's fine, but I just through I'd ask. thank you!
I probably should have written this as a legit critique. Oh well.
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Ratros [2010-08-19 03:18:36 +0000 UTC]
MC is is only some black eyeliner and fishnet stockings away from being emo. The character is almost a 180 from Dani, which I know you were scared of. Once again, you didn't proofread your work and I found several mistakes, but I shall be kind and forgive you for your follies. All and all, it was a pleasant read, though I can't say more than that, since it's like the first five pages of a book, and I'll need more than that to keep me interested. Though I won't mind reading more if you write it.
If you write it, they will come....and you will have to feed them...
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TheSpokesman In reply to Ratros [2010-08-19 15:47:54 +0000 UTC]
Like I said, teenager lol. I'm glad she came out like I'd hoped.
I went through it this morning and fixed it up some.
Don't worry there will be more!
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