Comments: 9
xxBloodyxWristxx [2004-07-26 16:34:31 +0000 UTC]
more of a short story then a poem people ..maybe thats what she was going for "short story" ..any how its lovely..maybe a lil too descriptive but overall lovley
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geniusspermbank [2004-07-26 14:16:03 +0000 UTC]
and squeeze [through] the gap,
what i think you need here, is to run this through word for as a spell and grammar check, to make this more read-able. many of your sentences are run-ons/are far too long.
it would be worthwhile to seperate the first paragraph into a few shorter ones, to make this easier to read.
there are some interesting ideas and images in here, that you could develop. focus on details here, as you're speaking of a short scene. the details can be very important and intersting.
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XRayeX [2004-07-26 12:57:01 +0000 UTC]
wow.. that was a twist.. thats really good.. well done!
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ContraFool [2004-07-26 11:26:54 +0000 UTC]
Nice, I like it. You need to fix a few mispellings and in some places it does seem like you are trying a bit too hard to give poetic descriptions, but I really like the end. I think you make a good point and you reveal it well. good job over all.
--Erik
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