Comments: 7
LuBronyr [2019-04-22 19:15:47 +0000 UTC]
Do you have a thing for horror these past few days?
Anyway, I guess this is a crossover of Horizon Zero Dawn and Predator. The thing is, I am not at all interested in the game, I actually had to think hard to remember the name. Its world might be interesting but aside from Far Cry, I despise modern sandbox game. In fact, I would say I like Far Cry despite it becoming a monotonous grind for resources, climbing towers and clearing outposts over and over again.
I tried to chew through this but it was so confusing to me. I have no idea who Aloy (the main heroine I suppose) is, what is Carja. Then there is something about Sun King I guess and some shadows. Even when the chase got on, some of the terminology distracted me. The Focus for example. For me that's the thing you put into a game to have X-ray vision, outlines around everything and convenient information about resources you grind. And then there is the grass which makes you invisible which is something I utterly despise. The way stealth is dumbed down nowadays pisses me off so damn MUCH. I HATE IT!
Hey, if you like the game, good for you. But for me, this is just uninteresting. I was more interested where you would go with the zombies on Korean border. It might not have been scary but the setting sure made it interesting at least.
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toby4700 In reply to LuBronyr [2019-04-22 22:11:43 +0000 UTC]
That's all fair.
It did occur to me that anyone who hadn't played Horizon would probably be completely lost, but the only way to explain all these things would have been to have included lots of clunky exposition. So I just decided to try to keep references to in game lore, people, etc minimal. For what's worth, here's a few explanations.
Aloy is indeed the heroine, as you guessed. She actually a pretty cool character-determined, smart, and compassionate to those at the bottom of the barrel.
The Carja are one of four tribes featured in the game, the most technologically advanced. They worship the sun, so their ruler is called the Sun King and there's a rebel faction called the Shadow Carja, who are actually bad guys and allied to a creepy cult.
The Focus is indeed Aloy's useful little gadget. To the game's credit, it's actually an important part of her story, rather then just an incredibly convenient device she just so happens to have. (I'm looking you, Batman Arkham games).
Lastly, there is indeed grass that makes you basically invisible. It was actually really fun to have it turn out to be useless.
Like I said, I totally understand if it's not your thing. Thanks for trying to read through it and commenting in any case. Part 2 up in a day or so, but I'll totally understand if you skip it.
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LuBronyr In reply to toby4700 [2019-04-23 20:00:44 +0000 UTC]
I get you. I am sure somebody who is into the game would appreciate this but for me, it is a retelling of Arnold's encounter with Predator, set in a different world with a different character. Although credit where credit is due, Aloy is a name which does catch your attention. Even I, who is so disinterested in the game, remembers it. I gotta steal that sometime in the future.
I appreciate the information but I believe there is a way to weave some exposition into the narrative. Nothing too overbearing, even one or two words can clear things up. For instance, when Aloy founds the bodies of Carja soldiers you can carefully insert some adjectives about the Carja. For instance: "For all their strong technology, the beast, whatever it was, slayed the Carja tribesmen whilst only suffering a cut!" or "No prayers to their beloved Sun could save them!"
You are describing the situation and Aloy's thoughts. In fact, you are also increasing the suspense about the Predator by describing how helpless the Carja were against it so it is not direct exposition, but you are still giving some general information about them. This helps to create at least a basic framework of reference. From those 2 sentences alone, a lost reader like me can tell Carja are a tribe, they utilize strong technology and they worship the Sun. Mix that with the mentions of Carja Sundom and the Sun King and my imagination can run with it a bit.
Of course, I have no idea if those sentences are correct information about the Carja or fitting for the universe but that's not the point. It's the form, not the content I meant to describe. I'm sure you get it. In fact, you already used it when Aloy tried to figure out what monster or maniac could have done it. You used that opportunity to introduce the Eclipse and the fact that various clans of bandits exist in the world. That was some subtle exposition.
Anyway, I guess I will still read more when it's available. Just because I need to KNOW!
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toby4700 In reply to LuBronyr [2019-04-24 03:59:06 +0000 UTC]
Admittedly, I was literally watching Predator while writing this part of the story, so similarities were pretty much inevitable. I actually took the line about the Predator messing with Aloy from a deleted scene, you can probably find it on YouTube. (As for the stealing, I won't tell a soul )
After reading your suggestions, I went back through and added in a few lines, and an extra paragraph, which I think will help the uninitiated, as well as cleaning up various spelling and grammar errors. (I actually realized I made the soldier Aloy found say 'Over hear!' rather then 'Over here!' ). Thanks for the advice.
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LuBronyr In reply to toby4700 [2019-04-25 19:12:17 +0000 UTC]
Whoa, I did not actually thought you would go back and edit an already finished story. That's dedication. The paragraph you added is a natural addition to the story. It also sheds some light on Aloy as a character as she cutts down the hanging bodies because it would be cruel to leave them be.
I noticed no grammar errors during my reading. Minor mistakes like that are common, I'm sure. The times I wrote 'world' instead of 'word', 'lay' instead of 'lie'. Damn mistakes are impossible to avoid. On the other hand, only grammar nazis put weight on them. Still, it's annoying a bit. You always want everything to be perfect.
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toby4700 In reply to LuBronyr [2019-04-26 21:41:23 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for your kind words, I'm glad you liked the extra paragraph. Normally, I'd agree with the grammar nazi line, but I'm currently writing an original book that I'm hoping to have on Amazon by the end of the year, so I think that's got me in full perfectionist mode, even when working on fanfiction for fun.
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LuBronyr In reply to toby4700 [2019-04-28 11:47:18 +0000 UTC]
I understand it if there is a mistake in some poignant sentence or quote of some character. Those should be flawless but generally, minor mistakes like that are not a problem. Then again, I never wrote a book and I don't even plan to so what do I know about quality standards. Maybe I have a bar set much lower than you.
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