Comments: 8
missdisfortune [2011-09-09 11:43:05 +0000 UTC]
I really love the idea here, there's a lot of creativity in it; the only huge thing to work on is setting, but on occasion to make it obscure and mystic, setting can be left to the imagination.
Do write more. X3
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Izzyhime [2011-09-09 04:40:52 +0000 UTC]
The concept of the potion and soul is really intrieguing, but I found it a bit confusing on the last paragraph. Maybe embellish it a bit? The story seems to go at a great start, but if you want to make the chapter a bit longer, extend on the process of how Myrion came up with this concept. It seems like a good rough draft. I really like how it builds to basically the concept of power and giving into the greater good, the ultimate goal of peace. Maybe that could also be something you can dig into as well.
I like the first chapter, the prologue is fine, but make the chapter a bit longer, to kind of explain what's going on. For instance, it's a bit confusing as to where Tryanard and Myrion is, and obviously they are bigger but exactly in comparison to what? Onlookers of the earth? Or what kind of place do they meet, and how do they discuss the matters of giving up the price of being all powerful? You mention but maybe you can put more in depth dialouge between the characters, even minor ones to show the dragon's viewpoints, goals, etc.
I hope I was helpful, I really like the beginning to this!
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