stars-burn [2004-05-08 05:00:39 +0000 UTC]

It's not bad. Some lines appear to be to long, or too many words that seem to be needless. Also it seems odd that you said 'would you have stuck around' and then 'I will watch you sleep and whisper goodbye.' Was she leaving or you? It's mixed up in a few places, so the story doesn't flow as well as it could. However it's fairly original in the way you wrote it, if not the plot. Keep writing.


Holly

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

melraven [2004-05-05 09:54:54 +0000 UTC]

whoa.... that's a tear jerker right there. it's very good. great job.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

nowherejuggalette [2004-05-05 04:28:56 +0000 UTC]

luc...you are a god...*wipes away a tear*

👍: 0 ⏩: 0