Chaues [2010-12-04 03:51:36 +0000 UTC]
I am always a bit skeptical of a piece that uses such clipped lines, and I'm still not entirely sure about it here. But I found myself intrigued, and I think I enjoyed it. Its a good story, contrast to the nice dreary stuff we've been getting lately. I like that.
One thing, I'd drop the authorial intrusion there:
"Sort out your feelings, fix up the misunderstandings and tell the ones that matter what they mean to you before it's too late."
You basically shooed into the door of the story to say, "By the way, the moral is..." Try not to do that If the reader doesn't get it, they don't care enough about the story. I'd like to see a little more internal rhyme for something that resembles a poem as much as this does. I know you have it as fiction, but it feels more like a poem. If you want it to be more prose like, you might consider expanding it out a little.
Nice job
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Chaues In reply to xxLiLLiE [2010-12-04 16:09:00 +0000 UTC]
Sure thing. You're a good writer, and I'm sure I'd enjoy them.
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