Cryptated In reply to FairieShadows [2018-10-29 15:43:37 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. How've you been?

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FairieShadows In reply to Cryptated [2018-11-03 19:40:46 +0000 UTC]

It's been a bloody long month. The anniversary of my husband leaving me, and the birth of his new baby, 7 weeks early (Not jelous, scared for the baby. I really like his mom, and 2 of my 3 kids didn't want to loose another sibling) And my ten year old has had lice 3 times. This last time, she let me cut her waist length hair to her shoulders. But she's not really happy about it. She DID appreciate that it took 3 hours less to go through though. 

It's also getting colder, so my knees are puddles of pain, and I've had a migraine from hell for the past few days. but my kids had a PA day, and I had a kid to treat for lice .... having said that, when I'm sick, I get very strange dreams. Last night I drempt I saved Malfoy from a Zombie using his belt as a whip, so there is that ... 

On top of it all though, it was the anniversary of Armoon's death. And although I'm in a happy committed relationship now, I still miss him every day. 

How have you been?

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Cryptated In reply to FairieShadows [2018-11-04 01:49:28 +0000 UTC]

Armoon? That name isn't familiar to me, but I'm wondering if that's another name Zypherr went by?

I haven't been great. I lost a 10 year friendship back in April, after around a month of of telling myself I was imagining things. Things were getting weirdly tense with her any time I expressed my thoughts on something, even if it's something mundane like not getting why sports fandom is so widespread compared to anything else or something I am technically right about like someone (not the friend in question) getting my character's markings wrong. I was feeling like everything I said was 'wrong' to her in one way or another, like I wasn't allowed to have thoughts/opinions/feelings about anything, like she didn't like me at all anymore but kept talking to me out of nostalgia. It being 10 years into knowing each other, though... I told myself I was being silly. Imagining it. That she didn't mean whatever she was saying that way. Towards the end of last year one of the few years ago ex-friends showed up and gave me the impression they were attached to nostalgia for isolated parts of the me they remembered, but didn't like me as I actually am. They *said* the nostalgia part, and implied the latter part with how they treated me thereafter. They then went completely MIA... again. So in my mind, there's no reason this should be the case with 10 year friend who would have been bored of me long ago if she couldn't stand the real me, right? I'm just feeling scared and insecure because the other ex-friend has spent the past few years planting those painful seeds in one way or another. I'm projecting those fears onto 10 year friend. Nothing's wrong and I might create a problem that wouldn't otherwise exist by addressing an imagined slight, so I have to just cry in the corner, keep my mouth shut, and wait for my own brokenness to pass. It's a problem that only exists inside of me, right?

Unfortunately, not right. The night finally comes where the conversation somehow turns into her writing this huge wall post about how much she can't stand me. I don't get to read it all before she deletes the entire Discord server that we shared with a mutual friend (did she instantly regret it? was she covering her ass so the mutual wouldn't see? did she just want to make sure I wouldn't say anything back? who knows), but I read roughly the first half of it and that contained her saying that I 'always have to be right', that she hasn't been able to stand me for a while, and that I'll probably accuse her of projecting... well, sweet irony that I've actually been telling myself my instincts are wrong and that I am projecting. Needless to say, at that point I knew I wasn't crazy and that the undercurrent of hurt I felt in relation to this person wasn't all in my head.

Shortly thereafter, I left another of my peer groups. I got frustrated with someone and told them 'no, not cool' because they made criminal accusations, flippantly and without evidence... group leader, who was a friend of mine, chided me for it and didn't seem to get why I wasn't going to stand for those types of accusations, so after a day of waiting while she neglected to even privately discuss the matter with me, and her cracking down on me again when the dude started saying blatantly harassing, things to me directly (threatening to block me for questioning him, saying 'yet, I do' when I pretty much told him he couldn't realistically expect to talk shit and go unchallenged, and other trademark arrogant wacko stuff), I finally said 'I've have enough of this. Bye.' and left.

I did message her a few days later to give her an explanation for why I left like that, at which point she seemed to understand where I was coming from and supposedly we were still friends, kinda? I've heard from her once since then, but I tried to ask her a follow-up question about something she said to me and she just... didn't answer. Messaged her once more a few days thereafter and she didn't reply to that either, so I'm feeling like things are awkward, broken... maybe we aren't really friends, just not wanting to say we're 'not friends' because we don't intend to be enemies. Life is hard and I can't seem to keep anyone. I feel like garbage.

I normally work produce, but in July the bakery switched to a new computer system and a guy ragequit the first day it was in place because he didn't like it. I ended up working bakery for a while and taking a lot of overtime because there's just so much that needs done there day to day, and usually only two people there any given day. Pretty much right after I started working in bakery, one of my step-sisters committed suicide. I never met her, but it's still kind of sad in that now I never will and my stepmother lost a child. My mother freaked out and threatened to follow/stalk me because I asked her to let me park on the outside of the driveway so I could leave on a certain day and apparently even with me being 24 at the time she has to have full knowledge and control of where I go. When she found out it was for the viewing and funeral, she went to bug my stepmother so she could go, too... and then she tried to invite her boyfriend and my grandma without even asking my stepmother. (Spoiler Alert: Literally everyone from the church they grew up in showed up, including people who were practically strangers, so my stepmother was overwhelmed and probably would've preferred smaller, tighter knit services.) Mom tried to be all 'i told you so' and 'you're a *insert insult*' and 'you're immature' about it supposedly being her right to know about everything / my feeling it wasn't her business until/unless those nearest to the deceased chose to tell her, but after the fact my stepmother flat out told me she never even thought about telling my mom because my mom didn't even know the step-sister. My mom tried to insist my stepmom would/did want her there.

With everything that happened in July and how busy I was, I kind of fell off the creative and self-care horses. I'm trying to get back on them... I did Inktober, currently doing NaNoWriMo. I'm still not exercising like I should and my sleep's been screwy. It's a work in progress.

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FairieShadows In reply to Cryptated [2018-11-06 21:35:25 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, I knew him as Armoon (Moony) first.
I recently stumbled across our last ever conversation, I told him I'd be sleeping well, because I'd be seeing him in my dreams, and he responded with *poofs* last thing he ever said to me.

I'm sorry your friends are being unrealistic jerkwads. I once had someone tell me they loved having my friend, our daughters and I at the public playgroup, but my partner wasn't welcome because he actually interacted with the kids, and it made the other parents uncomfortable. We just stopped going because literally all he had done was prevent another kid from hurting mine, by distracting them, and getting the kids to take turns.  It ended up being a good thing I didn't call her out on her bull smurf, because later her mom ended up being my direct supervisor.

I'm also sorry for your loss. I've never lost a sibling like that, but I've lost contact with all three of my step siblings, I miss them like crazy sometimes. I DID recently loose a man I thought of as a father, like yours, my mom insisted on going to the funeral as well. I'm 32. I didn't need my mom. This was the man I ran away from home to the one time my step dad hit me. He was an island of safety, and an escape from my own house. having my mom there felt wrong.

At the moment, my creativity is limited to pancakes from scratch, and hot chocolate with milk, cinnamon sticks, and a squirt of vanilla. my oldest daughter though has the kind of talent where popular youtubers like her art, and ppl keep telling her to go to art school. www.deviantart.com/drag0nchild >

I was painting rocks and D&D mini's over the summer, but I lost the flow. I'm honestly just too bone deep weary for any kind of energy. With my brother living here, and his apartment being scattered across my entire home, no matter how clean I keep it, it looks like a disaster, and the claustrophobic organized disarray leaves me feeling like I'm losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting. 

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Cryptated In reply to FairieShadows [2018-11-06 21:45:24 +0000 UTC]

These last few years just seem to be a string of people proving to me that they are not friends. This last batch of them was especially disconcerting because I wanted this pattern to be over with by now. People suck.

In my case my mother is the abuser (not that her boyfriend isn't abusive, but he mostly just screams whereas she has actually laid a hand on me), but the in the end, yeah, it similarly feels like she just doesn't belong anywhere to me. Least of all when she's threatening to stalk me if I don't tell her everything she wants to know.

I tend to have ideas, but not the energy to execute them. That's life, I guess. I'm trying to work on that. I'm doing a little better at this particular moment, but sticking at it is the issue.

I'm confined to a bedroom so there's all kinds of mess I wish wasn't here, things of mine in the garage (that floods) that I wish weren't out there but I can't fit in here, etc. so I feel you on the organizational losing battle front. For me it's my own stuff and just not enough space, but either way it's annoying.

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Cryptated In reply to Annaivri [2017-10-28 04:02:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

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Annaivri In reply to Cryptated [2017-10-28 08:55:27 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome.

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Cryptated In reply to Jasperinity [2017-10-27 19:44:47 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

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Cryptated In reply to KimkahMakara [2017-10-27 19:33:42 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!
 

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