Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2013-01-27 12:42:54 +0000 UTC]

Thanks man!

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2013-01-27 14:03:04 +0000 UTC]

No problem, hope it was a good day for yea Mr. Sir

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-16 12:32:26 +0000 UTC]

Forgot this to add on the reply: xD

Sure why the heck not xD since christmas break is nearing

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-16 14:24:26 +0000 UTC]

alrighty then haha

if you have time and such of course XD

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-16 12:22:08 +0000 UTC]

Sureeeeee!!! If i have time of course xD

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-16 14:23:57 +0000 UTC]

haha but of course, I know people can get busy around this time, just asking.

This is the prologue, still a WIP and such, but this is what I have right now, [link]

lemme know if it's not working or w.e haha

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-17 07:46:55 +0000 UTC]

Hmmm it seems i can't view it -_- it says try another time xD i'll try it on my laptop later if my ipad is causing the problem

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-17 15:04:13 +0000 UTC]

thats weird =/

dunno here's the link 1 one time

[link]

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-18 04:41:06 +0000 UTC]

It worked after i signed in but ima read it later and give it a feedback after practice for the Christmas party

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-18 04:42:04 +0000 UTC]

No problem haha
hope you enjoy that first part

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-18 13:09:27 +0000 UTC]

An awesome prologue i must say for a work in progress! But i must suggest something for this prologue, that it would be more awesome if you added a pony narrating the start of the story like this

"Once there was a Stable which had the numbers 167 that had a peaceful community inside it until the inevitable happened....... A pony who had somehow entered the Stable killed everypony for a mission given by a mysterious employer going by the pseudonym *The Doctor* except for one pony. Fell Iron who had witnessed the death of his Stable and thrown out in the waste all in one night of the massacre. Now he currently seeks revenge to the ponies who had murdered his entire Stable and the one who pulled the strings of it all........ "The Doctor" while meeting new companions and enemies along the long road he has to walk for revenge............"

Fallout Equestria: Painful Truths


Yeah something like that xD but i understand that your fic is a work in progress but otherwise an awesome beginning but rushed sequence. Also i spotted 1 spelling mistake during the time he wakes up "I sat in the chair and checked again, there was no SON coming up, the sun was setting" change son to sun xD and lastly how could he fall asleep while dwelling on his past? well tis a conclusion of this epic start of your fic

p.s sorry if my grammar is a bit crappy

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-18 15:14:25 +0000 UTC]

Yea believe me, still working on that prologue... rather annoying trying to get it to match up, but thanks for taking the time to read it.

ooo that sounds cool, so you're saying change the prologue to a more narrative way or write it smaller like your example? (just clarifying is all, I have 1 guy who read through for horrible first 1 which was over flowing with errors, this is the 2nd rough draft)

Well thank you and yea... WIP still, 2nd story I've ever written haha

now by rushed sequence, what do you mean.
Do you mean the events seem to be going by to fast?

Now was that annoying or more like... da fuq, how did he fall asleep?
It's apart of a greater story later, but if it seems toooo out there, I'll see what I can do to change it, don't want it to be stupid sounding haha.

here's the 1st chapter btw, if your interested
[link]

Error will be corrected, thanks for catching that haha, always the small stuff that gets past XD

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-19 12:19:38 +0000 UTC]

Hmmmm weird I can't access the doc without asking you're permission?

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-19 15:29:50 +0000 UTC]

that should be fixed now.

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-19 15:44:02 +0000 UTC]

Erm haha i accidentally deleted the message with the link xD can get another one? XD

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-19 16:23:28 +0000 UTC]

here's the link to 1st chapter XD

[link]

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-19 15:42:03 +0000 UTC]

Ah thanks! Now for some reading

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-19 16:25:11 +0000 UTC]

Hope you enjoy it XD

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-19 16:51:30 +0000 UTC]

Too late for that xD time for some snooze

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-19 17:15:56 +0000 UTC]

lol np, it'll be ready when you're ready XP

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-20 11:46:37 +0000 UTC]

Ok! Back on track xD

Chapter 1 was good, i only found 1 mistake:

The mare was almost ONE me, seconds
away, I closed my eyes, rolling my shoulders back on my fore-hooves and then, with the weapon
under one hoof, I pointed the other off into the sky, and opened my eyes to see the whole scene

Is the the sentence missing a word or is it a typo? One


Ok as for a review i can say Fell Iron from what i've seen can be a bit uhh... harsh, merciless, cold, and badass xD I can't blame him because his Stable was massacred and now seeking the revenge who pulled all the strings, and that must really mess up his mind. As for Los Pegasus but isn't that supposed to be Las? As from other fics i'm currently reading, I can say this is a first from the name Las Pegas, Las Pegasus or any other related things of it. Overall this chapter has gotten 8.5 out of 10 for me


Suggestion: Type "Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria..." with the intro of Chapter 1 and cut & paste it in the Prologue xD just a suggestion, you can do it if you want or not lol.



On the other note, my senses tell me when he gets to Los/Las Pegasus he will met his fist companion.

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-20 16:37:43 +0000 UTC]

Alrighty thanks, might have been trying to fix it or... fell asleep... dunno lol, but thanks for catching my horrible grammar lol

And that's what I was going for... it's something that will appear a lot, but to put it simply Fell Iron doesn't understand the concept of "overkill"
I hope he's so far an enjoyable character... not sure if he's like any other FOE characters, I've read FOE, Horizons, Pinkeyes... all are good ponies from what I can see, ponies who don't taunt ponies dying on the road lol.

Los pegasus is a city on the actual map of equestria, it's los angeles, not las vegas and has a bit of hollywood tossed into it.

Alrighty yea see this is what I was hoping to learn, you've reinforced this for me, thanks.
I'll move it to prologue.

ooo who knows XD
I'm hoping the companions will be as engaging, but you'll see the 1st companion soon... just meeting him in a much different style than I think other FOE stories do haha.

thanks again for reading, glad you found it was an 8.5 XD

I'm working on 2nd chapter now, hoping to get it out within the next few days for pre-reading.

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-21 04:43:35 +0000 UTC]

Understandable for Fell Iron xD

Los Pegasus? Ok checked the wiki xD seems you're right with the mix of Hollywood....... So it's kinda Los Angeles eh? Oh this will be interesting

Hey i saw the opening in the prologue xD but re-read it and saw the SON wasn't changed

Hmmmm wonder how Fell Iron will meet his first companion?

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-21 04:50:29 +0000 UTC]

I'm hoping so haha... lots of gang activity and such XD

Yep, I believed you were right in moving it to the prologue... and the son thing wasn't fixed b.c I'm stupid and missed it haha
it's fixed now.

Good question XD

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-22 04:47:56 +0000 UTC]

Ha sorry for the late reply xD got too lazy to type it in -_- So! On to chapter 2!!!!

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-22 04:58:51 +0000 UTC]

No problem lol.
Everyone has stuff to do XD

Currently just working on chapter 3... spent the day spit balling ideas on the cover art...

took your idea... combined a bit of my buddies idea... and my 3rd pre-reader (who hasn't actually read anything yet but has been told a bunch about the story) made some suggestions.

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-18 16:20:07 +0000 UTC]

Also forgot to add this >.>


Well can't wait for the suprise why Iron dozes off.... Maybe mental trauma?

Mmk good night, afternnon or morning xD

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Msvman In reply to GeneralRex [2012-12-18 16:10:21 +0000 UTC]

Ha i know that feeling xD

Well depends on what you want to write for your prologue but i suggest you do it for more aweseomeness xD take some short examples from other fics like Project Horizons intro/prologue

From PH intro
“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria…”
War. War never changes. It had consumed our home, a war fought by foreign aggressors until great and terrible magics had been unleashed to burn all the world to ash and dust. Only our constant devotion to the Princesses had carried us through that terrible war, just as our unwavering faith in the Overmare maintained our continued survival within the earth. Trust in the Overmare; obey the Overmare.

Well prologue seems kinda rushed to the point where the mercenaries never got the chance to be made into a bit of character developement but good xD

As for Iron dozing off is fine as long as you somekind of sequence like using a memory orb or something like that xp

Chp 1 will wait tommorow xD

No prob and many chapters to come!

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GeneralRex In reply to Msvman [2012-12-18 16:53:15 +0000 UTC]

I bet most do haha, some just manage to make it look so easy.

Ooooo ok, well that part sits in the 1st chapter, that I do have XD
I dunno, when you read the 1st, maybe it'll make sense? if not then I'll rework it.


Ahh kk, yea believe me I love character development (currently in college for video game design and I take classes based around level creation, story writing, character development, also reading a book on it too, one subject is on the bad narrator who doesn't always tell you everything... seeing if I can pull that off somehow haha)
I wanted to do more with them, but I had to tell myself that they were just tools for the beginning, they have a story and such but it'd probably be a small story by itself... so not sure how to handle that.

Alrighty well believe me it does have a story behind it, just it's a later thing, trying not to overload readers with too much stuff.

oh that's np, you were johnny on the spot with reading the prologue and that's awesome, thanks. I understand theres a time difference, It's 11:50am when I'm writing this, I'm assuming it's probably super early in the morning or... your in tomorrow already lol

Well hope the surprise of why it happened is good enough XD

thanks again Mr. Sir.

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Msvman In reply to TOKYOJake [2012-09-29 14:10:14 +0000 UTC]

Np

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